spen71

Im no stranger to recovery. Long time members on here will remember my long threads as I went 9 years sober. March 2020 my dad died. My world collapsed in 24 hours. I drank then managed to get 3 months sober. My mum died of liver failure due to this disease. I wish I had done more to help her. Sort of washed my hands of her trying to protect my daughters. Lots of guilt there and started drinking again. Sober up for a few weeks, go to AA people just trigger me and I drink again. Is it my poor social skills or guilt causing this constant relapse? People really annoy me in AA. Say phone is always on. Then never answer or reply to texts.

sorry for the ramble. Had a couple today. Trying to taper off as the withdrawals petrify me

Anna

Spen, I'm sorry for the loss of your parents.

I think you probably drink because you're an alcoholic and we drink for all kinds of reasons. If you want to continue AA, there may be online meetings you could attend, if you like. SR is always a good place to come for support, too. Your motivation to stop drinking and to stay sober is what will help you, regardless of what program or plan you follow. You can do this!

Bobbieka

Spen, my father died in May of 2020. Right at the beginning of quarantine and a strange world. I relapsed then as well. It was hard. No face to face meetings, no support, and I just went back to my old ways. It has been difficult for me to get my feet back under me since then. I understand what you are going through.

My sponsor suggested I do what I did at the beginning. So, that's what I'm doing. Hitting meetings, posting here, I make sure I post in the 24 hour thread, praying in the morning at night, all of the things I had stopped doing. I now have 72 days sober and while that is not a ton, it feels different.

I agree with Anna, we drink because we are alcoholic. Go back and find that thing again that got you sober in the first place. You are worth it, your daughters are worth it. Recovery is a team sport, so find your team, whatever that might look like.

Dee74

I think the posts above are right - we can attach all kinds of meaning to it but we drink because we’re alcoholics in active addiction.

I drank to make the intolerable tolerable. I drank because drinking felt easier and more immediate than finding solutions to things that stymied me. I drank because I was in pain. I drank because I hated myself or things I’d done. Or not done.

You know yourself Spen at the first step is to stop drinking. That’s the only way you can get at things bothering you.

I have no personal experience of AA. Do you have a sponsor and working the steps?
If your Aa group is not helping, find another, or try a different meeting based approach?

I learned no matter what else is going on, the buck stops with us tho, Spen.
We gotta stop and stay stopped.

D

kes2

Hi

I spiralled into alcoholism after my bro died. My addiction was close to taking me as well but detox saved me. I literally couldn't kick without inpatient help. My withdrawal was, as you say, terrifying . I couldn't stand the shakes, the panic and above all the blackness that descended over me. I felt like I was just about to die. In the detox unit all this was removed with meds. It was relatively easy. If I hadn''t gone, this would have been my last Christmas - for real. Look into this Spen. If you're in England, it's free on the NHS. The journey starts with a visit to your GP. Tell him how you're feeling, your thoughts and why you drink. They'll be able to signpost you for help. Mate you can't go it alone, you need practical help by experts. Trust me, I've been there.

I wish you all the luck in the world pal and my advice is start the journey with a doc's appointment ASAP.

Take care,

Kes

Hevyn

Hi spen - It's good to see you posting again.

I used alcohol to cope with uncomfortable feelings & self-consciousness. I never intended for it to become a lifestyle, or to end up drinking every day - but I clung to it for decades. When I first got sober I nearly fell back on my old ways, but then I remembered that drinking never helped me feel better - only added to my anxiety & misery. Once we admit that, we're able to face the reality of what our drinking has done to our lives. I'm so thankful to be free of it. I hope you'll keep posting.

joe801

It only gets worse if you prolong quitting for good, and more guilt will be added.

I never thought I would tell anyone the horrors after I finally quit. I'll add a few examples. Suddenly I realized that my personal hygiene was terrible and how many at work never said one word puzzles me. I was too lazy (drunk) to wash during the week after work and most days wore dirty clothing. I damaged my teeth because I didn't regularly brush them; my house a total wreck, stains and trash, found food out of date for months. I didn't scoop the litter box just poured new litter and trashed the box once a month. I suddenly seen all of the this within a week and it was even more embarrassing. It's the "What have I done?" moment.

And then the relationships that were lost and damaged. I don't want to get off-topic, just a few examples that usually catches up to everyone that has issues with alcohol. I never did AA and have no issues with it, I did spend weeks online reading everything related to alcoholism for weeks after work and everything finally connected. You can do it, you can stop drinking.

Dee74

Thanks for sharing that Joe.
D

TiredCarpenter

Was sober in AA for more than 20 years, relapsed on and off for about 7 years.

I read Annie Grace, This Naked Mind (front to back but skipped the testimonials) I kept an open mind, this book totally changed my view on alcohol and how I relate to it.
Was very freeing.

I no longer call myself an AA member for more than a couple of reasons.

While I was there, in AA, and ‘drinking the koolaid’ it worked very well. AA understands the alcoholic very, very well. I can always relate to any text I read in their book.
They are the 80 year old thing, however.

There is much newer information, psychology, and newer approaches to my affliction. I, personally, can’t blindly subscribe to the antiquated thing without looking at the many, many, current, newer treatments, technologies, sharing sites, approaches and, yes, medications that are available.

Wishing you the best on your sober journey.





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Zencat

Hi Spe If that is true, the only way to improve your social skill is being sober. I have many underlying causes of my addiction. Drinking is a symptom (of many) of my mental health disorder. Treating all the symptoms help me maintain some sober balance. Sobriety first, mental/emotional work with sobriety is the only way out of the jam we can all get into. Wellness efforts have been paying off for me big time. Just do the work and get the positive results. good to have you back

Dee74

How's it going spen?

D

brighterday1234

It is that one is an alcoholic that an alcoholic drinks again in my experience. There will always be reasons which can justify another drink for an alcoholic. AA may not be for everyone but in my experience developing a spiritual connection to a power greater than oneself is a beautiful thing on both a human level and as a mechanism to negate any want or desire to use alcohol or indeed any other drug 🙏

Mizz

The program of AA works for many people. The structure and steps give guidance for those people who want guidance and structure from the program.

I do think we can create our own structure and guidance for our own lives. If Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob did it then we can surely do that for ourselves as well.

For me, I created my own program to live a sober life. It has worked for two plus years. There are many people who have done the same on this forum. We have choices. Lots of them.

So, if AA is not working for you....Then its not working for you. Choose your own adventure.

DriGuy

People have varied backgrounds and experiences. Like any other self help book out there, the Big Book does address some of the common elements of successful recovery, so it can be included in the list of helpful literature. But it is not the last word. I could not have gotten sober following Bill Wilson's format, but I did lean heavily on the less structured dynamics of it's open meeting discussions. Every book on a person's journey of recovery offers some experiences that resonate, but none so far have been a perfect fit. They don't need to be, I don't feel I've wasted my time reading any of them.

D122y

For us addicts everything will always be a trigger. Name it and it triggers me.

AA, SR, my wife, my boss, my dog, football, my car......everything is a trigger.

The damage is permanent and I will always crave.

I just suffer and do all the other stuff we have learned when the crave wells up.

This is a tough time for me because I am fairly retired and the holidays were always a drunken blurr.

Booze is a drug. Just like crack or pot. It alters our mind and causes dependency. Makes the world go away for a very short time.

I face timed my Dad last night and I could tell they were all drinking. I was not jealous, I was glad I am free from the chemical active addiction.

I just make up words and phrases.

Bottom line: Never ever ever touch booze again.

Thanks.

Steely

Well said, D122y.