Beginnings and endings
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2022
Posts: 5
Beginnings and endings
This won't be a long post but one to begin. I've struggled with heavy alcohol use for about a decade. This year has been a very stressful one for me and my intake jumped from about 45 units a week which it had been stable at over that decade with a few times it even being less, to about 60 a week.
Over the past couple of months I have noticed some changed subtly coming in to my behaviour and actions which weren't there before but I know are a sign things have gone too far.
I feel at a crossroads, one way I can see a cliche story of an alcoholic, the other a way to freedom and happiness. I know which I want but I struggle to believe I will walk that way. It's a terrifying thing to see the path of your own destruction and not have the confidence in your sense of self that you won't walk that way despite everything.
So this will be a beginning or and ending. Let's hope it's the former.
A
Over the past couple of months I have noticed some changed subtly coming in to my behaviour and actions which weren't there before but I know are a sign things have gone too far.
I feel at a crossroads, one way I can see a cliche story of an alcoholic, the other a way to freedom and happiness. I know which I want but I struggle to believe I will walk that way. It's a terrifying thing to see the path of your own destruction and not have the confidence in your sense of self that you won't walk that way despite everything.
So this will be a beginning or and ending. Let's hope it's the former.
A
Member
Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
I had given in to the fact that I would die a drunk. I knew no other way of life. I knew no way out.
Until I came here to SR. These great folks showed me the way. In fact they should me more than one way. I picked the way that felt right and took the leap.
Looking back I am amazed at the way I used to think. The things I used to do.
I don't miss it one bit.
Your rational brain is telling you to jam on the brakes but your AV is telling you to hit the gas.
Well you are headed for a cliff so who ya gonna listen to?
You can do it
It's a Much Better Life
Until I came here to SR. These great folks showed me the way. In fact they should me more than one way. I picked the way that felt right and took the leap.
Looking back I am amazed at the way I used to think. The things I used to do.
I don't miss it one bit.
Your rational brain is telling you to jam on the brakes but your AV is telling you to hit the gas.
Well you are headed for a cliff so who ya gonna listen to?
You can do it
It's a Much Better Life
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 782
Hi Joe,
The constant fear when I was in active alcoholism was something I'll never forget. This level of fear and anxiety was magnified tenfold whenever I went without a drink, leading me back time and time again to relapse. Yet I could see I was on the path to ruin and an early and painful death. Unfortunately it is the case that you will feel worse physically and mentally for the first few weeks of sobriety as your body and mind try to adjust and heal but must do everything in your power to do so. Therein lies the challenge - it requires a real leap of faith.
AA have their 'promises' that you might like to search for, and indeed they came true for me in recovery so far (I'm approaching four years sober). They also warn however that 'half measures brought us nothing'. If you can take that leap of faith and commit to not drinking, no matter what, then you will more than likely enjoy a recovery beyond anything you thought possible.
We are all here to help, so stick around. Very best of luck on your journey.
Forwards.
Originally Posted by Joe811126 
It's a terrifying thing to see the path of your own destruction and not have the confidence in your sense of self that you won't walk that way despite everything.
AA have their 'promises' that you might like to search for, and indeed they came true for me in recovery so far (I'm approaching four years sober). They also warn however that 'half measures brought us nothing'. If you can take that leap of faith and commit to not drinking, no matter what, then you will more than likely enjoy a recovery beyond anything you thought possible.
We are all here to help, so stick around. Very best of luck on your journey.
Forwards.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 12,486
I have found the most amazing support here that I am beyond grateful. The people here are offer great insight, support, empathy, honesty, etc. I have been where you are and I do understand the feelings. Ignore that av that is pushing you to drink, run that tape forward, come here to sr , do whatever it takes. I wish you the very best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
As you continue on your journey, please try to keep an open mind about the following proposition: There is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous.
I am that type of alcoholic, though it took me years of relapsing and working through various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of belligerent defiance/denial in myself to finally accept this proposition and its implications for my life and recovery.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
I am that type of alcoholic, though it took me years of relapsing and working through various subtle and not-so-subtle forms of belligerent defiance/denial in myself to finally accept this proposition and its implications for my life and recovery.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,420
Bet on the freedom and happiness- it can happen. Like so many others, I felt condemned to a sad demise as the result of my drinking- but I came here and finally got straight. You can, too.
Welcome, Joe- hope to see you around a lot!
Welcome, Joe- hope to see you around a lot!
Yield beautiful changes
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: A home filled with love
Posts: 1,699
I didn't personally, see recovery as life or death (for myself) until very recently. I could grasp the life/death struggle for others, but I didn't internalize the message until recent days.
You sound like a very intelligent and self-aware person, Joe. What a gift!
Still, many intelligent, aware people succumb to addiction. I think that is because you can't consistently think your way out of how you feel, and you will feel craptastic when you stop drinking. Your whole body will DEMAND it. Even very intelligent people are inclined to give in to such fantastic demands.
The good news is that the acute terribleness of the feelings is quite short-lived (relatively speaking) - only about 3-5 days for most people. After that subsides, attention must turn to the chronic, low-level terribleness of anxiety, fear, depression, and general dissatisfaction that years of addiction will generally leave in its wake. This is the WORK.
But it is soul-affirming, live-giving work. It is a joy. And it is the path OUT of darkness, away from death, and into light. That's where you belong, Joe. Come work with us!
You sound like a very intelligent and self-aware person, Joe. What a gift!
Still, many intelligent, aware people succumb to addiction. I think that is because you can't consistently think your way out of how you feel, and you will feel craptastic when you stop drinking. Your whole body will DEMAND it. Even very intelligent people are inclined to give in to such fantastic demands.
The good news is that the acute terribleness of the feelings is quite short-lived (relatively speaking) - only about 3-5 days for most people. After that subsides, attention must turn to the chronic, low-level terribleness of anxiety, fear, depression, and general dissatisfaction that years of addiction will generally leave in its wake. This is the WORK.
But it is soul-affirming, live-giving work. It is a joy. And it is the path OUT of darkness, away from death, and into light. That's where you belong, Joe. Come work with us!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 120,877
Welcome to SR, Joe
So many of us here (through support, encouragement and understanding) have found the joy of a sober life. Recovery takes time and daily attention but every moment spent and all expended energy is returned threefold in blessings.
Again, welcome.
So many of us here (through support, encouragement and understanding) have found the joy of a sober life. Recovery takes time and daily attention but every moment spent and all expended energy is returned threefold in blessings.
Again, welcome.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Joe - You are not alone in this. When I first came here I was so relieved to find encouragement without judgment. I was in good company - everyone could relate to what I was going through. That meant everything.
I hope you'll stay with us. Welcome!
I hope you'll stay with us. Welcome!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
Welcome Joe. There are all types of successful soberinos here - some follow AA, others follow different paths, but we're all in it together here. Post as much as you need to, about anything you need to. You might want to join the thread called Class of December 2022 for support with others who are getting sober this month.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 2,842
Welcome Joe.
You've made a great choice coming to SR, keep posting and sharing with everyone here. It was a great help for me in the beginning. Being here with those who understand helps no end and great advice will be given to you.
Good luck Joe.
You've made a great choice coming to SR, keep posting and sharing with everyone here. It was a great help for me in the beginning. Being here with those who understand helps no end and great advice will be given to you.
Good luck Joe.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family Joe! 
. Like Hevyn, I too was very relieved to find that the members here were so supportive and non judgmental. . Come here often to read and post. I wish you the best in your recovery, You've got a lot of support here. 
. Like Hevyn, I too was very relieved to find that the members here were so supportive and non judgmental. . Come here often to read and post. I wish you the best in your recovery, You've got a lot of support here. 
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