Batgirl273

Hello, hope this is allowed here. I am trying to get some insight into recovery and how to handle a situation as a loved one.

I recently reconnect with my ex partner after 3 years, who is now 11 months into sobriety. He came back wanting to reconcile and make amends. He is not in AA and only doing this with a private counsellor.

Where I am concerned is that its been 3 weeks since we reconnected, and he is trying to fill his downtime with things to do to avoid relapse. He's asking me about the holidays coming up already, where he is off work. Of course I want to see him but when he phrases it in a way of "i need to stay busy so i maintain my mental health and avoid drinking", it doesn't make me feel like he wants to see me for me.

How can I know if he's using me as a distraction? I don't want to enable him or be codependent again. I want to see him for the right reasons, but I do not want to be a distraction and I know some people in recovery use dating for that.

doggonecarl

I don't know how to help you know if he's using you for a distraction. I'm not sure he knows. But I would like to speak about his "recovery" as you phrased it.

Keeping busy is one of the key bits of advice a newcomer will receive when first joining Sober Recovery with the intention of quitting drinking. Keeping busy, having plans...sometimes to the minute, just to keep one from drinking. But that's an early recovery tip. Your BF is saying he's 11 months sober. At some point you have to learn--through the recovery process--to be able to sit with yourself, no distractions, to accept boredom and all the other ups and downs of not just recovery, but of life.

Sounds like he's not there yet.

You've posted before I haven't gone back to look at your history and if it regards your prior relationship. Not sure I could advise you on much. But I will ask you something.

You know him as a drinker. Do you really want to go through that again with him?

DriGuy

A friend in recovery meant much the same when he said, "I had to learn to be quiet." It was just in passing, but it resonated so much that I'll never forget it.

I just had to relay that, although it has little to do with Batgirl's question.

Batgirl273

You're right about him sitting with himself. I do see he still struggles with that. Boredom is his worst enemy and he has a hard time staying focused. He just went on a solo vacation for a week, but he text me almost non-stop. He also had a 'slip' one night, 4 beers. He was honest and admitted it right away and stopped there so thats progress but again... that self company is an issue. He likely drank out if boredom and being alone.

I do not want to go through his binging again which is why I'm trying to navigate this. I want to observe for now and see how his recovery goes before I make any decisions, and I am trying to maintain and put up boundaries. I am wondering if time spent together needs to be one of them.

fishkiller

If you don't want to go through his binges again I think you know the answer.
11 months in sobriety and drank recently.
Seems he may not be ready to stay sober.

I may be wrong of course but 4 beers means he left that door open and it found its way in.
Is it shut permanently now? Who knows?

Do You want to hang around hoping he gets it?
If so then by all means.

I wish you luck in whatever your choice but its noones job to fix Us but ourselves.
If you decide to not be his keep busy do not feel guilty. You have a life to live. Not your job to straighten anyone else out.

TheAten

Hi Batgirl, just my two cents but addict or not, I wouldn’t want to be anybody’s keep busy. I’d want someone to be around me because they wanted to be around me, not as a distraction. Of course it’s up to you entirely what you do but I think it’s a situation where you very much should put your feelings and needs first.

trailmix

^^^^ What fishkiller said is spot on I think.

How romantic!

Seriously though, he means exactly what he told you. Nothing more, nothing less. While he might enjoy your company (he wouldn't have chosen you if he didn't) he is looking for ways to fill his time and you got chosen for the xmas season! At least he was honest about that.

Doesn't mean he wants a relationship, or a good friend or anything else. He wants to hang out with you for his own reasons. You've been in a relationship with him. This type of set up could really hurt you.

Sounds like he has a long way to go in recovery. Which is fine, but whether you want to be his support (and it will cost you mentally), that's up to you.

Batgirl273

Thanks, you commented on my post a couple weeks ago when we first reconnected. I'm observing but so far seems its going to play out how we suspected.

Batgirl273

I don't either, which is why I'm at a crossroads. I can't tell if I'm a keep busy/comfort or if he feels about me the way he says he does. It timing seems coincidental and the holidays don't help.

sugarbear1

I'd suggest that he needs to focus on his sobriety, which he is not doing by drinking.

You're asking for heartbreak if you hang out with him.

Move forward, not backwards!

Anna

Batgirl, I agree with DriGuy's comment. Let's face it, we can't be busy all the time. It's just not possible. Sitting with yourself and being able to feel peaceful is something I consider very important for recovery.

nez

Over thinking is dangerous for me. So is under thinking. I try to get quiet and centered so that I can listen to my instincts/gut/soul whatever you call it. You will never know for sure what is going on inside of him, but your insides have the pertinent information that you need to help you read what is going with the relationship and whether it is working for you or not. In my experience when two people have simpatico goals for a relationship, neither person questions the relationship, they just both indiividually know. I have no questions about my relationship with my wife, I just know, the quiet voice tells me.

Batgirl273

I have a very hard time doing this in any intimate relationship. But i need to. I have to trust my gut when i ignored it last time with him. I am a chronic overthinker and try to apply logic when there is none, or control a situation I can't.
I guess this is a therapy question because I need to find a way to let things go and just sit with myself so I can trust my gut, instead of always being in a state of anxiety. Seems I still have alot of work to do on myself too.

venuscat

I think Carl and Sugar are spot on, as always—my best advice is to listen to them, dear BG. s ❤️

nez

Welcome to the club. The good news is that the work makes the journey worth it.

ToughChoices

I used to post questions about why my alcoholic ex was doing certain things, or what he might be thinking when he said "such and such" because I honestly didn't even realize that I had a still, quiet voice inside myself. A voice of reason and hope and KNOWING.

In general now (and I am MOST certainly still a work in progress), I realize that if I'm polling family/friends/strangers about someone else's behaviors, its because I know that those behaviors are unacceptable to me, and I am trying to rationalize accepting them.

advbike

This is really hard for me to do also. Some of us struggle more than others with relationships, especially if the role models were dysfunctional when we were young..

But you're getting good advice.

VikingGF

Don't make his sobriety your responsibility. We all have our own water to carry- your ex is very focused on the me, me, me if that is how he poses a request to spend time with you. Hard pass. It's not up to you to fill his time- it's up to him. If spending time with him will entail even ONE second worrying that he will drink- steer clear. That's a babysitter role- not one for someone who has worked hard to get him out of your head, and your heart.

Don't put yourself in a place to be hurt, your ex seems to still have work to do, and you seem like a soft place to land if maybe things go sideways, which I hope they don't, but...

Batgirl273

Thanks. I've mulled all this advice over for a few daya and I've observed his behavior. I agree that I am being used as a time filler and familiar comfort. He's treating me well, better than he ever has including honesty but something still feels off and I don't think he's seeing me for the right reasons. I will be removing myself once i figure out how lol.

novips

I have come to conclude that I ultimately have only one solution to offer an alcoholic: the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. Similarly, I believe I ultimately have only one solution to offer those who are in a relationship with an alcoholic: Al-Anon. If you have not checked out some Al-Anon meetings, I suggest you do so.