ToughChoices

Awful, drunken, shame-filled dream last night. Woke up shaking and scared. Grateful to be breathing sober air, but I AM SHOOK by the intensity of the emotions!

NEVER going back to that. So strange that part of my brain longs for a substance that causes me so much pain. 🤔

Coming up on 9 months sober next week. Perhaps I needed a reminder of the starkness of my choices.

Today I’m cleaning house, watching Christmas movies (don’t judge), and baking cookies with my boys. Tonight I’m helping setup and organize our AA speaker meeting with my sweet sponsor. My kids are playing with our dogs. My husband returns home tonight from a work trip, and I’m excited to see him!

Life can feel mundane from time to time, but my dream last night was death.

My choice is life. I am grateful for the reminder of what addiction has to offer.

Much love to the folks here!
-TC

zenithboy88

Hi TC,
. Did you ever have a dream where you won the lottery.
But then wake up in the morning...reality sets in....crap! I have to get ready for work!
We'll...in your drinking dream you lost everything as unpleasant as the dream is.
Then you woke up and realized that you won! You're getting a great life back!

D122y

I relate. I have bad dreams too. Drinking and other bad ones. They cause me stress. I wonder what is wrong with me that I have odd dreams.

I have a therapist and she tells me everything is ok. It is way better hearing that from her, than from google.

No advice, just relating.

Stay clean. It rocks!

Thanks.

Hevyn

TC - That happened to me a few times the first year. It made me even more thankful & determined. You have a great attitude.

(Christmas movies - I'm waiting until next week. I must have 20 DVR'd & more to come. )

ToughChoices

Thanks, all. I’m glad to hear I’m not alone.

It is lovely to prefer your actual life to your dream life…but I’m not sure terror and shame are necessary to help me make that determination/preference. Who knows??? I AM kind of thick-headed.

I’m not in control of dreams, so I’ll need to accept that and use the dreams to help move me closer to my goals.

Last night was a visceral reminder of the pain that addiction causes. I will NOT go back there.

Hodd

I still get the occasional dream (after nearly 4 years) where I’m midway through a glass of beer. However, even in my dreamy state, I know it’s wrong and I wonder if I’ll crave like mad in the following days.

I’m sure you’re mighty relieved when you wake up, TC?

And your weekend sounds like bliss. You’ve earned that. Nice work.

Dee74

I think drinking dreams are a part of nearly everyone's journey.
I don't ascribe any hidden meaning to them - I've never found any supressed urge to drink or anything like that TC

D

DriGuy

Mine were like that too, intensely emotional. I'd like to think a drinking dream with that intensity is a hopeful sign. It might be an indicator of how serious you are about sobriety, and an indication of how well you understand the serious consequences of relapse. Although I can't say that with precise certainty, but that's one way I have interpreted my own drinking dreams. I haven't decided how helpful it actually was to wake up in terror. Maybe I could have done without it. But they are what they are, and we know what we have to do with alcohol regardless of our fears and emotions.

slipnslide

I can relate! It has been 4 years and nearly 5 months since I stopped drinking.. I still have drunken dreams. And almost everytime I do I wake up feeling tired and sluggish. And even more convinced that I do not miss alcohol!

Climber122

The emotional parts of our brain that are how we crave alcohol stay active in the altered state of consciousness of sleep when our more rational functions are offline. That's why the recall of it is so intense and emotional. It's totally normal to have drunk dreams for years as some have pointed out. You may also find they surface at specific times, when you are facing adversity and stress, major change or when trauma flashbacks/symptoms are coming up in your life. These are great times to step up your self care and supports. Be encouraged that "feelings aren't facts" and that your waking self is still working a daily recovery

ToughChoices

I slept very little last night. The combo of my drinking dream from the night before, general fatigue, and some (fairly normal) body and backaches sent my brain right back into “acute withdrawal land.” Pain heightens my emotions, causes anxiety, and makes me feel so separate and alone. Insomnia was the worst of my withdrawal. It was a lonely, terrifying week of sleeplessness, fear, and pain. I never want to go through it again, but, lucky me, I got another taste of the past last night. Ugh.


At my meeting last night, the speaker talked of alcohol as “the solution,” to a problem that lived inside her mind. Alcohol caused her problems , and must be avoided, but her true problem, her “hole” lie within. It caused her to behave promiscuously in search of attention, to look for meaning by insisting that others give it to her, and by drinking to feel thinner, prettier, and smarter.

So I spent my sleepless night thinking, “Where’s my hole?”

I’ve definitely spent a lot of time looking for approval. I’ve definitely wanted sex to soothe over insecurities. Pain meds made me a whiz at work - calm, focused, flexible, inexhaustible. Alcohol made me fun, funny, and well-spoken.

Speaking to my husband about this, he said, “All humans want affection, attention, appreciative. We all want the dopamine fix that comes from winning the game, getting the girl, achieving the praise. It’s just that some people (addicts) feel that dopamine fix more strongly than others. That doesn’t mean there is a terrible hole inside everyone. We all want these things! It’s how God made us! There’s just a subset of the population who’s brains reward them INTENSELY when alcohol or sex or drugs are involved. And those are hard rewards to walk away from.

The “hole” comes when you give up career, friends, family, and/or health in order to access your dopamine. You dig yourself a hole, climb in it, then keep right on digging.”

What a helpful way to look at it!

I cried a bunch last night/this morning. Took an epsom salt/menthol soak, herbal tea, and 3 ibuprofen. There are ups and downs to this recovery life, but even the downs are SO far above the misery and self-hatred of addiction.

Hold your loved ones tightly!! Stop digging holes and start building a beautiful sober life

Tailai

Nine months for me was a very emotional time. You will get through this and your thoughtful analysis is a great tool. It’s such a wild ride but I found the intensity of emotion does diminish. You’re doing great!

Farrier

I had my very first drinking dream little over a month ago. Dream seemed like it lasted longer than a typical dream for me. Woke up with great anxiety and sweating. I could live without those in my life.

least

I haven't had a drinking dream in years, but the last one I had, I remember feeling so good to wake up and realize it was just a dream.

mns1

I feel you TC.

I'm also hitting 9 months this week and still have vivid drinking dreams here and there. They scare the living crap out of me. As relieved as I feel when I wake up and realize it was a dream, it will cast a shadow on my entire day.

It just reinforces my gratitude for every single day I wake up sober and healthy.