Alcoholicrobert

Hi, I am new to this forum. My AH has been sober for 11 years. In March of 2021 I discovered over the past four years he had inappropriate relationships with five different women. He was calling, texting, emailing, PM, and one of them he was taking to lunch and one to dinner. I did not know these women, and of course he never told me about them. When I asked him about who these women were, four of them he had met at AA meetings. The women from AA all had many years of sobriety as well, and all close to my AH age.

His denial was insulting: "We are just friends", "I was only trying to help a fellow alcoholic", "I did nothing wrong and the women did nothing wrong", "In AA this is part of the fellowship." After 29 years of marriage I thought I knew my AH, but I do not. It has been 11 months since I discovered his Emotional Affairs, and he still refuses to acknowledge what he did was wrong.

Has anyone else on this forum gone through their spouse getting sober and replacing one addiction for another? From Alcohol addiction to Infidelity?

Hawkeye13

I think cheating is more about an individual’s moral makeup, and not something that “all” alcoholics do. That implies that all non-alcoholics are faithful, which is certainly not true either.

That said, it does seem that many recovering alcoholics seem to seek the rush they got from drinking in other ways, whether that be food, gambling, and also emotional involvement or sex outside their partnerships or in excess.

In AA, I think they call seeking out other relationships with other AA members while in one “13th stepping”, so I understand your concern that he is not being honest and upfront about these interactions. I’m not an AA person, but I don’t think that is encouraged—transparency and honestly are critical.

Have you considered couples counseling to get through this? You could work with someone to process what has happened and to lay clear mutual boundaries about issues like this with a neutral party to help keep it from turning into an argument or blame-session.

Resentment untreated is deadly poison to both sobriety and a healthy relationship—be mindful and take care of yourself.

Surrendered19

I don't know the data, but I'd wager recovering alcoholics do not have unfaithful emotional or physical relationships at higher rates than the general population. But that is of no comfort to you AlcoholicRobert. I'm sorry that happened to you.

Whether your husband is in recovery or not, you deserve honesty and commitment from him both emotionally and physically.

Anna

I don't believe recovering alcoholics are more unfaithful than the general population. Cheating in a marriage is obviously a moral issue. Couples counselling might help you and your husband work through things. I hope you can find some peace.

Mysteryman

The two things are mutually exclusive. I wouldnt cheat on anyone. You're AH is a cheater irrespective of whether hes an alcoholic.

anxiousrock

Kind of a rude judgement, right there. Just because your husband cheated doesn't mean all alcoholics, recovering or not, do.
People in the AA group i went to had been married 50+ years in some cases, still very happily.

Steely

With long term sobriety he knows this sort of stuff is frowned upon within AA, and not "part of the fellowship." Don't believe the 'just friends' line. He's full of shite.

Maybe check out 'Friends and Family' forum here. And let him know your're doing it as you need friends too.

Agree with others. Cheating is not overly represented in alcoholics. You're angry, and rightly so.

Steely

I meant alcoholics are not overly represented when it comes to cheating. Arse up again, Steely.

Dee74

Hi AlcoholicRobert

I'm sorry for your pain and I understand your feelings.
Its very understandable for you as a non alcoholic spouse to think that this might somehow be due to alcoholism.

I'm not sure it is tho - while some alcoholics do cheat, many did/do not.

Some do replace an addiction for alcohol with another addiction - sometimes that's an addiction for love, sex or another person, but again, not across the board, in my opinion.

I assume you have good reason for thinking your husbands relationships with these women go beyond simple AA fellowship.
I'm sorry for your pain.

Our Friends and Family forums might be another good place to ask if anyone else has gone through their spouse getting sober and replacing one addiction for another?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

As a brand new member here, you will find support here - and understanding.

welcome aboard

D


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Dee74

Guys
Lets remember Newcomers forum is for all newcomers - we may be the first forum a person posts in at SR.

If anyone's triggered by this post, its ok not to post in this thread.

If anyone wants to argue the point, PM me.
Dee
Administrator
SR

dustyfox

Hi Alcoholicrobert how awful for you to discover after all that time these other women - he has hurt you and I expect he knows it. That he wont acknowledge it is probably a sign of his own shame. I don't think alcoholics are more likely to cheat but I do think people who are alcoholics often have had issues with lying and covering up shame especially from their loved ones. ( I know I have in the past)

It is up to you how you decide to deal with this, but from your post I think he has behaved badly and treated you horribly. He needs to own it and apologise.
I hope you have a good friend you can vent to.

silentrun

You got married the same year I did. I can't imagine a blow like that. I'm very sorry.

DriGuy

AA, both the Big Book and membership, speak out against sexual dalliance explicitly.... but it may be the most often ignored principle of the program, because individuals' "sexcapades" are matters of individual and varying opinions on morality and ethics, while alcoholism is not a moral or ethical issue. It might possibly be for some, but I believe that is an aberration. I see alcoholism as unrelated to sex, but maybe I'm missing something. I think your husband may be an alcoholic, but also has other unrelated issues as well.

biminiblue

Yeah, I agree that in AA these kinds of things are definitely discouraged. In the meetings I attended it was often repeated, "Women with women, men with men," when it comes to AA "relationships." This is not part of AA accepted culture and these women know it too.

People being people they are going to find others attractive. Your husband - does he have a sponsor? The sponsor would certainly not encourage these dates he's going on. AA is about growing in spirituality, responsibility, honesty, integrity. He has completely missed the point and made it into a social club/bar replacement.

I'm really sorry this has happened. Have you told him you want it to stop? I think this would be a deal-breaker for me.

Mizz

I'm really sorry you are dealing with this situation. This issue is about your husband and not about alcoholism.
It may be hard to separate the two considering he is taking women out from AA. His behavior is not appropriate.
Never will be appropriate. Don't let him tell you otherwise.

Alcoholicrobert

Thank you for your kindness!

Alcoholicrobert

I apologize for saying all alcoholics cheat. I know they don't. I was so hurt and angry when I did the original post. I will say I am amazed at the compassion I have been shown. Thank you all. I will check out the Family & Friends posts.

DriGuy

I was not offended. People often generalize in that way, especially when they are upset. I didn't interpret your comment literally, anyway.

Northernsong

Had to pop by and say howdy as the thread caught my eye. I am day 2 sober ...and for today... that's all the sobriety I can promise myself or anyone here. I have been in and out of this forum as well as "the rooms" as they are called. AA that is. Your question is a curious one as I am uncertain as to his level of infidelity. Sounds like he has a lot of sobriety under his belt. You mention his female AA Colleagues do as well. As others have noted, I am not sure this is an AA specific problem but rather perhaps a regular ole real life one. I have male friends both married and single. I am actually very close to a male work colleague who is in a long term committed relationship but he does have a lot of female friends. He has a lot of friends period and I think most of us are on his text joke list. For me what is at issue is your distrust and insecurity about his connections with people of the opposite text. Now I am not saying they are unjustified because I really don't know but I do know people (myself included) who enjoy platonic friendships with members of the opposite sex and perhaps he is one of them. What is the problem that needs resolve is your feelings about his spending time with females other than yourself. He is your husband and partner and friend so that should be important to him too. This is obviously painful and worrisome for you so why is that not important to him? Seems to me he is minimizing and discounting your feelings and upset.... that to me is the problem that needs to be addressed rather than where or how he met these women. Both people need to worry about the health of their relationship. You cannot do all that work yourself. Are you able to get some counseling for yourself? If he doesn't care about your feelings and upset...well.... you better!