connop1

Hi. I haven’t posted on here for maybe 8+ years. I stopped drinking in 2014 and went 14 months dry. I started drinking again but I’d changed my relationship with alcohol to the point that it felt under control. The covid lockdowns really set me back though and I’ve not fully worked out dealing with it. I went 6 days without a drink and then last night I drank and I don’t know why. I did it without thinking. I now feel atrocious. Sick, panicked, anxious. I want alcohol out of my life and 99% of the time I’m happy with that decision, but what do I do about moments like last night? I’m hoping that how dreadful I feel right now might spur me on to never repeat it, but I’m not going to lie, I don’t know how much I trust myself right now. I’m only just coming to terms with the fact that my drinking is becoming a problem again.

Radix

It may be the case that you need to recalibrate towards a mindset of total permanent abstinence. Don't entertain the possibility that you can drink safely, even for short amounts of time and in small quantities. After all, look where it gets you.

You past experiences show you can obtain sobriety. Build on that strength; just tell yourself that sobriety is your new, permanent, unchangeable reality.

connop1

Thanks Radix. I think you are right, and deep down I know that is what I need to do. I have to break the cycle. I want to live without alcohol in my life. My year of abstinence was one of the best years of my life and I thought I had made the decision to stop last week, but I let it slip and it feels bad right now, really bad.

Dee74

Welcome back Connop

yes, for me, it needs to be permanent abstinence - I can be who I want to be, or I can drink, but not both.

D

january161992

For myself, the learned bad habit of drinking was replaced by a new learned good habit of AA Meetings.

suki44883

Maybe stay close to SR and use the awesome support here. Check in every day, read and post often. Everyone here would love to help you.

Anna

Yes, make the decision to be abstinent and things will get better. We're here for you if you wobble.

nez

Why do feel the need to even have a relationship with alcohol? Figure that out and then you will know what to work on. When you work on what you identified in the previous assessment, you will find out that you no longer need a relationship with alcohol. The reason for that being because you are addressing the situation on your own without the help (?) of alcohol.

fishkiller

I'll add another give it up for good.
When the time comes you "think" you Really need a drink just don't drink. No matter what.
You will get stronger every time you do that.
It can be hard at first but it's worth it.

VikingGF

Until I understood that I could not drink at all, the push and pull had me, too. Once I decided I was done drinking, it got a lot easier. Don't drink, no matter what- and eventually, that becomes your baseline behavior. You can do it.

Hevyn

Hi connop - I'm so glad you posted about what's going on.

I tried for too many years to pretend I could be a social drinker. I kept thinking it was all about willpower - surely if I tried hard enough I could have one or two now & then. That way of thinking caused me to develop total dependency on it. In the end, I was drinking all day with a huge mess to untangle.
As the others have said, kicking it out of your life all together is the only way. Attempts at controlling it were futile. It was no longer fun or relaxing. Having 'a few' led to reckless & dangerous behavior - every single time. You don't need it. Hope you'll stick with us.

connop1

Thanks everyone. It’s clear now what I have to do. Never drink again. Just had a horrible night of cold sweats and panic. This can’t be a part of my life any more. I feel utterly dreadful. The only thing positive about it is I’m going to remember this feeling and use it to keep me focused on why I need to stop.

CaptainHaddock

Welcome back connop. The support and camaraderie that I get on this site help to make me want to stay sober. As you have said, your year of abstinence was one of the best years of your life. There is no reason why you can’t get there again. Stick around and join a few threads and you’ll soon start racking up the sober days once more.

connop1

Thanks Captain Haddock. I hope that taking the step to come back here is going to give me the strength I need to adjust my behaviour and get alcohol out of my life. And once I have started on my own path, I’m hoping I will be in a position to help others too.

RAL

welcome back Connop . I can relate to your story

connop1

@Hevyn Thank you. I can really relate to the reckless and dangerous behaviour, that has become a hallmark of my drinking and at 40 years of age I just don’t want that in my life. I’m generally sensible when I’m not drinking, I have a good home life and I love my family and friends. But once the drink flows into me I turn into someone I don’t like in the slightest. And the damage it must be doing to my body can’t be good. I couldn’t eat a thing yesterday!

Oglsby

It was extremely hard for me to come to terms that I could not ever drink in moderation again. I first found SR in 2010, and had periods of sobriety over the years, but even when I would go up to a year of sobriety and then would try to moderate I would find myself worse off than ever. I remember distinctly Dee telling me one day that, "This is not your first rodeo and you have to take drinking completely off the table as an option." It really sunk in. When COVID hit, I decided it was a unique time that I could take advantage of and get sober for good. Moderation never works. Complete abstinence is the only way. You can do it!!!!! You have only wonderful things to gain.

mns1

You got this connop.

Mags1

Stay close to SR connop. You can do this!

Delilah1

I think most of us turn into someone we don’t like when drinking. I am getting close to seven years, but prior to that time I alternated between periods of sobriety and failed attempts at moderation. I have found life is much better sober, even the most difficult days.