Am I creating a cycle
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Join Date: Sep 2022
Posts: 1
Am I creating a cycle
My boyfriend and I have been together for roughly a year. He has a couple years of sobriety under his belt and it is something that really drew me to him, having come from a line of addicts myself. His commitment to his sobriety has always been one of my favorite things about him. He works an intense job, sometimes waking up at 4 or 5am and not returning from a day on the road until dinnertime. At this point in the day he will have to go straight to AA meetings/commitments from ~5-10 pm every night. I work late at a restaurant so our dates usually consist of us meeting after our days are wrapped up and almost immediately falling asleep. Usually he is gone for work again when I wake up in the morning.
He broke up with me for a few months a while back, citing the lack of time as the reasoning. After time apart he reached back out and was adamant about having made a huge mistake, informing me that he wanted to take whatever measures necessary to prove that he wanted to spend his life with me. Now that we have been back together, I see things returning to how they used to be. I feel like our relationship is stagnant and even complacent at times. I know that he has a lot on his plate being newly sober. I love that he prioritizes AA; my frustration comes from him also prioritizing work, football, and golf before me. He is an amazing man but I can’t help resenting him when he only is able to offer me 3-4 hours a week of face time and is confused when I don’t feel like its enough.
He broke up with me for a few months a while back, citing the lack of time as the reasoning. After time apart he reached back out and was adamant about having made a huge mistake, informing me that he wanted to take whatever measures necessary to prove that he wanted to spend his life with me. Now that we have been back together, I see things returning to how they used to be. I feel like our relationship is stagnant and even complacent at times. I know that he has a lot on his plate being newly sober. I love that he prioritizes AA; my frustration comes from him also prioritizing work, football, and golf before me. He is an amazing man but I can’t help resenting him when he only is able to offer me 3-4 hours a week of face time and is confused when I don’t feel like its enough.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,644
Hi puzzler, glad you found SR!
I hope you will also visit our Friends and Family forum, I'm sure there are a lot of threads there you might relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You know alcoholics, addicts in general, are very self centered. Addiction just kind of leads them there. When everything is centered around a drug and you having that drug - well you get the idea.
Being sober and being in recovery are two very, very different things. It almost sounds like he has the sober part in place for now, but hasn't really gotten in to much of the recovery aspect.
He broke up with you due to lack of time together and then makes zero effort to increase that time. What can you do!?
The question actually is, do YOU want a relationship that consists of 3-4 hours a week? It doesn't sound like it and it looks like that is all you are going to get.
Just words. Maybe even well intentioned words, but with absolutely no actions or effort. So, they are still just words.
You could well be in a cycle ( that no one wants to be in! ), do you want to stick around to find out? Otherwise, if you deem it important, you could ask him for specifics on what he is going to do to change the fact that you two don't have enough time together.
Or you can just accept this is the way it is and go from there. You do deserve better than this shoddy treatment you know.
I hope you will also visit our Friends and Family forum, I'm sure there are a lot of threads there you might relate to:
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You know alcoholics, addicts in general, are very self centered. Addiction just kind of leads them there. When everything is centered around a drug and you having that drug - well you get the idea.
Being sober and being in recovery are two very, very different things. It almost sounds like he has the sober part in place for now, but hasn't really gotten in to much of the recovery aspect.
He broke up with you due to lack of time together and then makes zero effort to increase that time. What can you do!?
The question actually is, do YOU want a relationship that consists of 3-4 hours a week? It doesn't sound like it and it looks like that is all you are going to get.
informing me that he wanted to take whatever measures necessary to prove that he wanted to spend his life with me
You could well be in a cycle ( that no one wants to be in! ), do you want to stick around to find out? Otherwise, if you deem it important, you could ask him for specifics on what he is going to do to change the fact that you two don't have enough time together.
Or you can just accept this is the way it is and go from there. You do deserve better than this shoddy treatment you know.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 274
Hi
jJust a different take to trailmix, although I agree with a lot of trailmix's points.
My late brother and his wife had a woderful marriage and a great relationship. Their interests tho' were poles apart. He was a sportsman playing cricket and football for various teams. His wife hated sport. He loved gardening, she hated it. He loved the great outdoors and walking. The only time my suster-in-law walked was when she went shopping and boy did he hate shopping! The point I'm making is they spent a great dead of time apart doing what they enjoyed., As my brother once said, we don't get the time to be under each others feet, the time we spend together is quality and really special. They had a great 24 year marriage and only rowed once in the whole 24 years, that was over somrthing trivial.
It all depends on what you want. If you were with each other 24/7 it could prove stifling.
just a thought and hope it works out. I can imagine my bro' saying cut the guy some slack!
jJust a different take to trailmix, although I agree with a lot of trailmix's points.
My late brother and his wife had a woderful marriage and a great relationship. Their interests tho' were poles apart. He was a sportsman playing cricket and football for various teams. His wife hated sport. He loved gardening, she hated it. He loved the great outdoors and walking. The only time my suster-in-law walked was when she went shopping and boy did he hate shopping! The point I'm making is they spent a great dead of time apart doing what they enjoyed., As my brother once said, we don't get the time to be under each others feet, the time we spend together is quality and really special. They had a great 24 year marriage and only rowed once in the whole 24 years, that was over somrthing trivial.
It all depends on what you want. If you were with each other 24/7 it could prove stifling.
just a thought and hope it works out. I can imagine my bro' saying cut the guy some slack!
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 349
Hello!
Reading between the lines, it sounds like it isn’t just the lack of time, but that you feel that you are not a priority. It also sounds like this is less than what you want.
As far as his promises, those are words. Actions matter. He can be a great guy, but that doesn’t mean a relationship with him will fulfill your needs. What you want and need in your life is just as important what he wants and needs in his.
-bora
Reading between the lines, it sounds like it isn’t just the lack of time, but that you feel that you are not a priority. It also sounds like this is less than what you want.
As far as his promises, those are words. Actions matter. He can be a great guy, but that doesn’t mean a relationship with him will fulfill your needs. What you want and need in your life is just as important what he wants and needs in his.
-bora
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