Burlcfii

Quick background. Married to my wife for 16 years we have 3 kids under 12. We have had a happy marriage in my opinion. My wife began to really struggle with alcohol addiction over the last 2yrs. We had always drank together a couple drinks a night. The difference became she could not quit, where I could go with out drinking no problem. Also she would drink to the point of passing out and I did not. I would have a couple she would have alot. Now we got in a routine of this being our thing we did to relax and enjoy time together. It was fun we had a ton of intimate time, life was great. The big problem was always the next day. She suffers from anxiety however would not medicate her self only self medicate with alcohol. IT got to the point over the last couple months she would drink when she got up enough to get her through the day and then drink to pass out at night. The cycle continued. It was hard for me to leave to go to work (I work a random schedule as a pilot so not normal 8-5). She would get mad or get anxious when I left. She was very codependent. Long story short her sister and I called different numbers and offered her rehab. She said she wanted to go so we sent her. The facility was very bad at communicating with me. I had a couple calls with her when in detox wanting to leave and helped her understand why she should stay. I missed a call from her where she left me an awesome voicemail that she was doing great. tried to call the facility and her therapist for 2 days straight just a message or 2. never heard back, until she called when she moved from detox to rehab. she had a list of things for me to send her and we talked, but I could tell she was medicated so there wasn't much emotion. She told me she had to have meds bc she about had a panic attack. Had one 1 minute call with her and her therapist it was good she sounded good but emotional. that was mid way through the second week. After 3 weeks she began to get phone time 15 min 3 days a week. She was cold toward me and only wanted to talk to our daughters. I questioned her own it Wednesday and she said we would have time with a family counselor. I knew what was happening. It should be noted when she would stop drinking for times she was never affectionate to me and seemed downed. I thought it was anxiety and the fact that she was trying to get over not drinking. The call with the family counselor was not good. She said she was unhappy for years with our marriage and thats why she was drinking so much. She was codependent on me needed to be independent. She wasn't physically attracted to me. (wow thats a blow to your self confidence). She wanted to separate. I told her I thought this is to quick of a decision and she needed to come home and we could go to marriage counseling. I am also seeking counseling to deal with this but my first appt is the day she is coming home. She does not want to come to our house because I'm a trigger, the house is a trigger, our neighborhood is a trigger, and our friends are triggers. She hasn't told me she wont go to counseling or what her plans are for the return yet. We should get to that this week in further phone calls with the family counselor.

I want to try to work through this for us and our kids, however I don't want to be with someone who isn't attracted to me or is with me more a pity party. I don't know if things will be different when she gets back and away from the group at the recovery and back to real world.

Has anyone dealt with this, what is the likely hood that she is wrong about this or is it true? Is there hope that she will want to get back to come home? Unfortunately I can not afford to get her a place of her own and she doesnt work at the moment. I work 3 jobs to support the family and we are in debt and maxed out on CC's so there really is no way she can live anywhere else unless she stays with her mother who is not on board with this because she feels she is very wrong in this decision. (My wife's dad left her mom after 33 years so shes in the same boat as me). I do believe her mom would let her stay with her for a short period, and if I could afford to supply her a place for a month or 2 I would because like I said as much as a Freakin Love that women I will never force her to be with me or want her to be with me out of convenience and or pity. Sorry for the long message.

sugarbear1

Have you considered Al Anon for your recovery? Work those steps!

Burlcfii

I did go to my first meeting last week. However it was 3 older people who were all siblings who's parents were alcoholics and died many years ago. I just didnt feel relatable to them. I am going to find another meeting to attend this week. But also looking for advise on here if anyone can help.

Farrier

So I'm fresh out of rehab myself and this is my first time getting sober after drinking daily for years. I didn't have access to my cellphone, laptop etc for 30 days straight. That was un-nerving to me but now that I'm at 96 days sober, I think it's a vital process of detox/rehab experience.

I will be married 19 years next month. Since May, 9 2022 (first day of rehab) I have divorced my wife 1000 times, told myself I don't need my family at all, and have said that our successful business together, could fall off in the ocean at least as many times as I have figuratively divorced my wife.

She's still healing, her brain and body are still healing from the alcohol. And you more than likely haven't even begun to start healing mentally.

I fully support detox/rehab but 30, 60 and 90 day rehabs just aren't enough. Getting sober is the easy part, getting through the wreckage left over from long term drinking is were the real hard work begins

Give her space, and give yourself space. Don't make any rash decisions or try to have those deep conversations right now. It will do neither of you any good.

Farrier

Burlcfic, I sent you a direct message

trailmix

Hi Burl, glad you found the forum, sorry for what brings you here of course.

We do have a friends and family of alcoholics forum here:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

I hope you will go there and read the other threads - and post there as well too, if you would like to.

This isn't that unusual. New sobriety is a rollercoaster. Does your wife mean what she is saying? Impossible to tell, she has been sober for such a short period of time. However, you do need to take her at her word, of course, so don't be surprised if she does go to live with her Mother now. Another option she might be considering is a sober house.

She perhaps needs time and space to sort out what she wants to do.

Her world has just been put on it's head and it will take time, perhaps even a year or so, before she can start to be on a somewhat secure foundation of recovery (sobriety and recovery being two completely different things).

I don't know how much you know about alcoholism, but being in recovery means she can never drink again, not even one drink. One will send her down that slippery slope, there is no "moderate" drinking for an alcoholic.

It's a tough situation to be in, but as I said I hope you will read around the friends and family forum, which may even bring up more questions. Post as often as you like.

Mizz

This is all so hard to deal with and I commend you for reaching out. Support is essential. How are the children doing?

Your health and the children's health are the most important right now. She is being taken care of at the facility. I think focusing on stability for the children, and your own stability is the priority. There has been a giant upheaval in everyone's life. I know that everything seems really uncertain right now. She is saying a lot of things that may be coming from left field. For now, you have the job of you and the children. All the rest will be sorted in time. Hugs all around.

biminiblue

Well, at rehab I'm sure she's hearing all kinds of stuff. Some of it may even be true. Not all rehabs have stellar "treatment" plans and addicts will be talking to each other - blaming the world for their addictions.

I would try not to react. That "therapist" had no business telling you all that stuff. I am with Farrier, I felt a lot of different angry things in early sobriety and none of them were true and I would have never shared them with family. Blaming you (in confidence!) for everything is typical.

One day at a time, ya know? Since you don't have the financial means for her to have her own place right now, she's going to have to find a way to make her own way. I know many times the rehabs can set people up in sober group homes if indeed she's serious about being away from you and the kids; the Oxford houses for women might be a good idea for her. It's going to take her a good year to stabilize emotionally.

I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation. You and the kids will find your way. Protect them and yourself.

DriGuy

This is such a sad story, but I have no personal experience with the likes of it, but I know that it does happen. I don't know if it was drinking or something else that is wrecking your marriage. It could be either one, but even sober we can't control all these things. I think you both will have a better understanding with more time. I can understand that you, the house, the family may be triggers, but triggers are something the alcoholic needs to deal with, and they can be difficult.

Don't throw in the towel yet. Maybe the best thing you can do is give her space. It may or may not save your marriage, but it may be all you can do. Wish her well. We all deserve that. How are the kids with all of this? Be there for them.

Pekelover2

I wish that I had some advice for you. I just want to say that you are incredibly smart for coming here and seeking advice.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. My gosh, with your work and with the kids.
I agree with what driguy said. Your wife is going to have to deal with triggers. Her world is always going to be full of them.

How are *you* doing? Are you sleeping ok? You must be very stressed right now.

Burlcfii

Thank you everyone. Yes this is super sad, super stressful, but got to keep up the fight for me and the Kids. The kids are doing fine with her in rehab they or really I am not aware what her after plans are. I believe I will know more this week in additional family therapy calls. Tonight is a call night for her. I believe I will let the kids answer and talk to her and give her space. If she wants to talk to me I will listen. For any of the prayer warriors out there please pray for her continued recovery, a softened heart, and restoration.

Burlcfii

The call tonight went somewhat as I had expected. She called I had my middle daughter answer bc she had been away at church camp last week and shes the talker lol. She told her all about what happened. Typically after a minute or 2 my wife will switch to FaceTime. She didnt do that until my daughter asked about it. about 7 minutes in. I walked around in the back ground im sure I was acting weird but I tried not to. I just wanted to talk to her and have her show me love like before this all. Gosh it was so dang hard. At the end the tech came and told her the time was up. She said well I got to go. I think she said something else to the girls and saw me in the background. She said "Hey my name". I said hey babe and blow her a kiss. That was all there was. Im glad she unsolicitedly said hey to me. its more then I expect but as always I wanted to so much more. This is so hard my kids have no idea what she is thinking and I just have to act like all is alright with them and of course with all our friends and family. To be honest it is so exhausting to be the one who everyone text or call to ask how shes doing. Im not going to tell them "well shes serious about sobriety but she wants to leave me bc she figured out her drinking was bc she was unhappy with our marriage. At what point do I get a break. Im taking care of everything from my 3 daughter and back to school purchases, to keeping the house straight (by the way it was so out of order it took me 2 weeks to get it presentable) to working 3 jobs. And now im dealing with the fact that my wife doesnt love me anymore. Sorry for the pity party but I have to vent somewhere. my friends won't understand, her mom and sister know she wants to separate but I have to keep it positive for them. And my family well damn they think she hung the moon. My mom would be devastated. She knows she is in rehab but I have to lie to her about how its going. This is so tough. Continued advise is always accepted. Thank yall (yeah I'm from the south)

Wastinglife

Well, she would get half the debt in a divorce. Sounds like she may be thinking irrationally. Takes a while for emotions to level out after alcohol abuse over a long period of time.

Burlcfii

Quick Question for everyone. My wife and I have one bank account where everything comes from and everything goes into. Bills and spending money, and all my paychecks (she isn't working by her choice and prob addiction). I'm thinking with my current situation that it may be a good idea to start another account and try to switch all the bills etc to that. I'm not trying to keep money from her, but I want to make sure our bills get paid and make sure she doesn't take to much money out of that account. The other option is to ask her to set up her own bank account and tell her I will give her what I can, and ask her for the card. I'm still fighting for our marriage and seeking counseling and following what I believe Is Gods will, a restoration of our marriage. I have to protect my kids and myself for sure.

Burlcfii

Hey Dirguy I appreciate your response. I think what wrecked our marriage was she stopped loving me. I obviously have a part in that. I thought doing everything (working multiple jobs, supporting her multiple job changes, cleaning the house, taking care of our 3 kids, driving them to school while she sleep it off, bringing her water on her night stand every morning, fixing her something she could stomach, etc was what I was suppose to do.). man was I wrong about that I was enabling her, I was taking all the responsibility from her. I know yall dont know me but God as my witness I never touched her, her forced her to do anything. Now I did enable her tremendously, made excuses for her, lied for her, quit multiple jobs for her, all bc I loved her. to be honest I did on occasion toot my horn to her on what I was doing for her and out girls when we had fights. 100% guilty. I'm sad that at this point she seems totally unwilling to even consider attempting to save our marriage. Ugh all I can do is hope its addiction talking but she just seems to think her mind is made up. But as a christian (sorry for those who aren't) I am just going to pray for a miracle.

Kristoff

If it were me....and it has been......I would take steps to protect yours and the kids needs, financially........financial propriety is not high up on many addicts skillset.....something, as recovery deepens, is nearly always acknowledged

Mizz

I do think its in your best interest to protect yourself and your children. If you are the one who pays the bills, and you want to make sure the money is in the account, then set up a different account.

At this point in time, with her actions and wanting to leave the marriage, you are not responsible for her financially. I am of the mindset that both adults should contribute financially to a marriage and contribute equally in raising children.

Your priority is to ensure the children still have a home with food, lights, water, love, and stability. Taking care of yourself is also the priority. Her leaving does not mean that everything stays the same and she gets the same perks while she figures out her problems. Its not rude. Its not being unfair. Its allowing her to make her own decisions and she cant continue to rely on you financially while she "decides" her future. She is an adult.

RunningScared

Definitely a good idea. Don't put it off.

Anna

Burl, I'm sorry for your situation. I agree with your thoughts about your bank accounts. It's important for you to protect the money you use for living expenses. It's also important to protect your children.

Hawkeye13

The first thing she might do getting out is to clear out that account. Protect your kid’s finances and your own. Your own account, with information about how to access not in the home if she returns is best.

Very very tough situation, but you are doing a great job looking after kids and keeping things afloat. Remember to take care of yourself and eat healthy, drink water, and try and get some rest when you can.

It might be best for her to go stay with her folks when she gets out at least initially—is that possible? You could take kids to see her and both of you still have space to breathe and maybe sort things out without trying to con-habitate.

With the kids in your home, the discussions / arguments could be pretty hard on them to witness.