Guilt
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Join Date: Jul 2020
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Guilt
My sons worked with me this summer. It was fun for some of the time. But being 17 and 19 they fought some.
I would separate them but the 17 year old still wanted to argue with me and his brother.
I was sober about half the time but the other half would drink beer. He said it was hard to be around it. They both feel that way. They notice the changes in personality mood, etc.
The 17 year old quit for awhile then wanted to come back but I was out of town.
The other one is leaving for college in a month. The 17 YO basically avoids me now all though I did spend his birthday with him a couple weeks ago. I told him I would not drink and did not.
So I have ruined at least half of what should of been a fun summer.
Feel horrible about this. My wife feels the same way they do. I tried AA and it was hard to stay with it. It’s so repetitive in nature. I guess I need to go back there or rehab.
Sick of relapsing. Both mentally and physically. They are sick of it. I need to fix this and a way to deal with stress of everyday life without it.
I feel the guilt of it all should help me quit. But nothing seems to change. Most of my life has been ruled by this. I feel helpless, hopeless. The cycle of anxiety etc. Getting better then starting all over. Making excuses.
The only thing that will help it to fix this somehow.
I would separate them but the 17 year old still wanted to argue with me and his brother.
I was sober about half the time but the other half would drink beer. He said it was hard to be around it. They both feel that way. They notice the changes in personality mood, etc.
The 17 year old quit for awhile then wanted to come back but I was out of town.
The other one is leaving for college in a month. The 17 YO basically avoids me now all though I did spend his birthday with him a couple weeks ago. I told him I would not drink and did not.
So I have ruined at least half of what should of been a fun summer.
Feel horrible about this. My wife feels the same way they do. I tried AA and it was hard to stay with it. It’s so repetitive in nature. I guess I need to go back there or rehab.
Sick of relapsing. Both mentally and physically. They are sick of it. I need to fix this and a way to deal with stress of everyday life without it.
I feel the guilt of it all should help me quit. But nothing seems to change. Most of my life has been ruled by this. I feel helpless, hopeless. The cycle of anxiety etc. Getting better then starting all over. Making excuses.
The only thing that will help it to fix this somehow.
Last edited by Khorhey; 08-07-2022 at 02:04 AM. Reason: add
Yield beautiful changes
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Originally Posted by Khorhey 
I feel the guilt of it all should help me quit. But nothing seems to change.
I just stay stuck.
Which is tragic, because I am, in fact, capable of making the jump.
Guilt is not a helpful motivation for me. It is a burden that I have to consciously lay down every day so that I have the courage to change.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
Why can you not stay stopped?
What makes you drink after being sober for a while?
I know the technical reasons but what are Your reasons?
You CAN do this. It is A Lot of Work.
It is more than worth the effort though.
Sounds like you have a family that really cares about you. That may not be enough to quit and stay quit but it should be used during recovery when we are feeling low and the AV is saying "efit noone cares anyway"!
In your case people Do Care.
You Are worth it.
You Can do this
What makes you drink after being sober for a while?
I know the technical reasons but what are Your reasons?
You CAN do this. It is A Lot of Work.
It is more than worth the effort though.
Sounds like you have a family that really cares about you. That may not be enough to quit and stay quit but it should be used during recovery when we are feeling low and the AV is saying "efit noone cares anyway"!
In your case people Do Care.
You Are worth it.
You Can do this
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
Originally Posted by ToughChoices
Sometimes the chasm between who I WANT to be and who I AM appears so glaringly wide that I lose the courage to leap at all.
I just stay stuck.
Which is tragic, because I am, in fact, capable of making the jump.
Guilt is not a helpful motivation for me. It is a burden that I have to consciously lay down every day so that I have the courage to change.
I just stay stuck.
Which is tragic, because I am, in fact, capable of making the jump.
Guilt is not a helpful motivation for me. It is a burden that I have to consciously lay down every day so that I have the courage to change.
I get this a lot.
There are days I all I can do is just think of the million things there are to do and pick the one that seems interesting that day. That can be recovery related or projects around the house.
Letting go of the guilt is tricky for me.
My trick is even though I do have guilt for the decades of addiction I put my loved ones through I have already felt all of that. Many, many times.
Why relive it? It helps nothing. Been there for decades and nothing has changed.
To punish myself? I did that for decades and it didn't help either.
Nope, All that guilt is useless. Fact
I am looking for help and guilt does not help.
I replaced that guilt with pride.
I am Proud to be able to say I won't put my family through addiction related hell again. I am Proud to be recovering. For myself and my family.
Whenever that guilt creeps back in, just like with my AV, I hit the ignore button. Refocus to the positive.
Let it go.
Sometimes this is easier than others but in the end I have no other choice besides unhappiness and that is what I am here to lose.
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 243
I can’t stop because I enjoy it and have been doing it for 40 years? But 2 turns into 10. And you know the rest. Relationship issues. Progressive, deadly, anxiety, sleep problems, nerves, liver, etc etc.
AA helped me stop for 2 months last year. I guess I need to do it again and stick with it.
Despite all the dozens of reasons to quit. Seems so easy and simple to most people.
Health and family most important. But there is a ton of guilt on what time I missed out on and the time we had that I was intoxicated. It is weird being sober and a week seems like forever. And drinking it seems like it’s no time at all.
AA helped me stop for 2 months last year. I guess I need to do it again and stick with it.
Despite all the dozens of reasons to quit. Seems so easy and simple to most people.
Health and family most important. But there is a ton of guilt on what time I missed out on and the time we had that I was intoxicated. It is weird being sober and a week seems like forever. And drinking it seems like it’s no time at all.
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Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 527
I could not stay sober till I fully committed to the recovery program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You say A.A. is hard, but it's easier than being an active drunk. As the Big Book says: "Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid. It meant destruction of self-centeredness."
The fact that your guilt is insufficient to keep you sober is simply par for the course. If you're an alcoholic like me, then nothing short of a spiritual experience sufficient to create an entire psychic change will suffice. That sounds dramatic, but at least in my case it simply means: (1) go to meetings, (2) get a sponsor, and (3) work the Steps.
And know this, countless people have been where you are now -- feeling overwhelmed by guilt. But countless of those have recovered and live now -- as promised in the Big Book -- in a place where they do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
The fact that your guilt is insufficient to keep you sober is simply par for the course. If you're an alcoholic like me, then nothing short of a spiritual experience sufficient to create an entire psychic change will suffice. That sounds dramatic, but at least in my case it simply means: (1) go to meetings, (2) get a sponsor, and (3) work the Steps.
And know this, countless people have been where you are now -- feeling overwhelmed by guilt. But countless of those have recovered and live now -- as promised in the Big Book -- in a place where they do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about any of that.
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Join Date: May 2018
Location: Where I’ve longed to be all my life…..here, now.
Posts: 7,340
The book Alcohol Explained helped and still helps.
The mindset must be set. NEVER NOW. It’s always now, right? NO MATTER WHAT.
Lose the one thing before you lose your family and your life. All of those things are gifts.
For some, inpatient help is the answer.
The hard answer is you must never drink ever no matter what even if a family member dies or tragedy happens or gas prices goes up or the sunset is beautiful…… I know the list for reasons for me to drink could go on forever including doing the dishes believe it or not. The other hard answer is that every recipe is different for every single one of us because our lives are so complicated and our drinking histories are so diverse. My heart goes out to you and I truly believe you can do this.
We are always here for you. Come here FIRST, Before you go to the store. Before you invite those urges to stay for tea and they become uncontrollable. We control our arms, legs, hands, feet, mouth… And believe it or not also our thoughts.
The mindset must be set. NEVER NOW. It’s always now, right? NO MATTER WHAT.
Lose the one thing before you lose your family and your life. All of those things are gifts.
For some, inpatient help is the answer.
The hard answer is you must never drink ever no matter what even if a family member dies or tragedy happens or gas prices goes up or the sunset is beautiful…… I know the list for reasons for me to drink could go on forever including doing the dishes believe it or not. The other hard answer is that every recipe is different for every single one of us because our lives are so complicated and our drinking histories are so diverse. My heart goes out to you and I truly believe you can do this.
We are always here for you. Come here FIRST, Before you go to the store. Before you invite those urges to stay for tea and they become uncontrollable. We control our arms, legs, hands, feet, mouth… And believe it or not also our thoughts.
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Join Date: Jan 2020
Location: NC
Posts: 5,161
It gets better
We can't choose life with alcohol.
We must choose one or the other.
First we must begin to recover.
By Any Means Necessary
If AA worked give it another shot.
If it doesn't feel right there are many other methods or you can take something from multiple methods and do what works for you. That's what I do.
Stick with it. I drank nearly as long as you and the last 2.5 alcohol free years have been a blessing.
That initial taste, buzz, relief whatever is no comparison to " being here"
We can't choose life with alcohol.
We must choose one or the other.
First we must begin to recover.
By Any Means Necessary
If AA worked give it another shot.
If it doesn't feel right there are many other methods or you can take something from multiple methods and do what works for you. That's what I do.
Stick with it. I drank nearly as long as you and the last 2.5 alcohol free years have been a blessing.
That initial taste, buzz, relief whatever is no comparison to " being here"
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I would just add that not all AA meetings are the same.
One of the first meeting groups I attended was basically a 1st Step meeting. The same people, same time, some of the same stories and yeah, it can get repetitive but if I hadn't "gotten" it, then I needed to keep hearing it, yeah?
As I got a little further in to sober Time I branched out to other meetings. There are Big Book meetings, Step meetings, Speaker meetings, men-only and women-only meetings, meetings that include some activity such as at the beach (with BarBQue!) meetings during a hike, meetings over dinner or breakfast at a restaurant, camping meetings, bowling meetings, party meetings, Sunday (more religious) meetings. I enjoyed some of them and some of them were either too somber or too repetitious like you said. They do have the Solution, though, and the more times I heard it in various ways the better.
I hope you'll find your way.
One of the first meeting groups I attended was basically a 1st Step meeting. The same people, same time, some of the same stories and yeah, it can get repetitive but if I hadn't "gotten" it, then I needed to keep hearing it, yeah?
As I got a little further in to sober Time I branched out to other meetings. There are Big Book meetings, Step meetings, Speaker meetings, men-only and women-only meetings, meetings that include some activity such as at the beach (with BarBQue!) meetings during a hike, meetings over dinner or breakfast at a restaurant, camping meetings, bowling meetings, party meetings, Sunday (more religious) meetings. I enjoyed some of them and some of them were either too somber or too repetitious like you said. They do have the Solution, though, and the more times I heard it in various ways the better.
I hope you'll find your way.
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Join Date: May 2022
Location: California
Posts: 354
The guilt and shame is normal for most of us. I made promise after promise after promise. The love of my wife and daughter was not enough to make me stop. The guilt and shame was not enough to make me stop. I didn't stop and get help until I lost it all and was sleeping in a horse trailer. That was my rock bottom. How much are you willing to lose?
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Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 743
The bird or insect that stumbles into the room and cannot find the window. Because they know no "windows " (Jim Morrison)
When I was 14 years old I was done with religion and I did not know how to live inside my head. Teachers and therapist just didn't understand how to handle kids like me in the 80s. Their ideas might be even worse today but thats another story.
What I knew was alcohol made life livable. Alcohol made it possible to function as a teenager. I did what I had to control my drinking as an adult to get through college and the real world. From the given information and the way I was processing it, drinking seemed like the only decision.
My alcoholism is not my fault but it is my responsibility. I am liable for crimes I commit drunk. I lose money that I spend drunk. I lose relationships that I destroy drunk.
Alcohol worked for a time but it no longer does. Right now the idea to pick up a drink is insanity. Plain and simple. In the past I did what I thought I had to do.
Even after some time dry we battle this things called the obsession. So some of us know its a bad idea to drink and do it anyway. Its in the past, we have knowingly made bad decisions. We can't change them we just have to try and do the next right thing.
I understand some people need rehab and there is nothing wrong with that. Me personally though, Im just not real big on doctors, therapist, insurance companies, drug companies etc. Anything they are involved with. I know doctors are necessary sometimes but I'd rather save them for the emergency room.
If it comes down to rehab vs AA i would go with AA. If just the fellowship of AA isn't enough I would get a sponsor and work the steps.
Im kind of AA light right now. Things are different for me today. I'm not the standard AA anymore but I do what works for me. Not everyone needs to work the program to get sober. Maybe I needed to and maybe I didn't. I think for sure I needed some elements of the program, just which ones, who knows. It's probably better to work the steps and not need them then need them and not work them. Even today I try and use them in everyday life.
When I first got to AA it took a couple of weeks to pick out the perfect sponsor. From then I was in contact everyday for the first 90. In those first couple of years I was pretty involved with the program. Even now I go to some meetings and I try and stay connected with other alcoholics. For me personally, for the long run I'm not sure that I need meetings but I'm pretty sure I need other alcoholics (in person or online). I do enjoy the fellowship of face to face meetings and I usually feel better after a meeting.
When I was 14 years old I was done with religion and I did not know how to live inside my head. Teachers and therapist just didn't understand how to handle kids like me in the 80s. Their ideas might be even worse today but thats another story.
What I knew was alcohol made life livable. Alcohol made it possible to function as a teenager. I did what I had to control my drinking as an adult to get through college and the real world. From the given information and the way I was processing it, drinking seemed like the only decision.
My alcoholism is not my fault but it is my responsibility. I am liable for crimes I commit drunk. I lose money that I spend drunk. I lose relationships that I destroy drunk.
Alcohol worked for a time but it no longer does. Right now the idea to pick up a drink is insanity. Plain and simple. In the past I did what I thought I had to do.
Even after some time dry we battle this things called the obsession. So some of us know its a bad idea to drink and do it anyway. Its in the past, we have knowingly made bad decisions. We can't change them we just have to try and do the next right thing.
I understand some people need rehab and there is nothing wrong with that. Me personally though, Im just not real big on doctors, therapist, insurance companies, drug companies etc. Anything they are involved with. I know doctors are necessary sometimes but I'd rather save them for the emergency room.
If it comes down to rehab vs AA i would go with AA. If just the fellowship of AA isn't enough I would get a sponsor and work the steps.
Im kind of AA light right now. Things are different for me today. I'm not the standard AA anymore but I do what works for me. Not everyone needs to work the program to get sober. Maybe I needed to and maybe I didn't. I think for sure I needed some elements of the program, just which ones, who knows. It's probably better to work the steps and not need them then need them and not work them. Even today I try and use them in everyday life.
When I first got to AA it took a couple of weeks to pick out the perfect sponsor. From then I was in contact everyday for the first 90. In those first couple of years I was pretty involved with the program. Even now I go to some meetings and I try and stay connected with other alcoholics. For me personally, for the long run I'm not sure that I need meetings but I'm pretty sure I need other alcoholics (in person or online). I do enjoy the fellowship of face to face meetings and I usually feel better after a meeting.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
it was hard to stay with it. It’s so repetitive in nature
When I played basketball, I repetitively practised free throws, by the thousands. But you know what?...I got better at free throws. They got easier. They became a piece of cake. My free throw skills made me a better player, which meant more and more success every time I took to the court. Along the way, practice lost the repetitive nature and it became second nature, like breathing.
Wax on. Wax off.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 274
The way I see it is yo've got tto do it for yourself noone else. Once you've been able to see that, it will all click into place. How can you address your emotions and put things right with family when you can't cosolidate within you. I'm 55 days sober and struggling like hell but know I owe it to myself to do this, then I can start putting things right with those I've wronged. Guilt is a negative emotion, a futile state of mind that leads to relapse in my experience. Actions do speak louder than words. Woe is me and self pity have never solved a single one of my addiction issues. Sitting down and saying I'm better than this is the way forward. Self worth is a beautiful thing.
I'm Catholic and an alcoholic so know all about guilt. It's a waste of time.
please take this in the spirit in which it's meant, it's only my opinion.You and others out there may disagree, that;s fine. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect anyone else to, even immediate family.
Hope everything works out bud. ATB
I'm Catholic and an alcoholic so know all about guilt. It's a waste of time.
please take this in the spirit in which it's meant, it's only my opinion.You and others out there may disagree, that;s fine. If you don't respect yourself how can you expect anyone else to, even immediate family.
Hope everything works out bud. ATB
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Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: North Carolina
Posts: 243
Yeah that’s what my doctor said do it for yourself. Guess need to work out why I can’t do that. I can go back and look at pictures and dates and know when I had tried to stop or was sober. And say wow I should be at 5 years or 2 years etc. And see other pictures and know I was drinking then. I guess it’s hard to see so many failures of trying to quit and then it not lasting. Recently it was just 3 days. My wife is sick of hearing about it. The only reason she has sympathy is her grandfather was a terrible alcoholic and was able to quit. And she can’t quit smoking/vaping but wants to.
Need to not sit and dwell on all the mistakes. And stay busy. Sitting around thinking about all the relapses is torture.
The kids are old enough now they don’t have to put up with anymore. If they know I am drinking they avoid me. Use to be they would just put up with it.
Thanks for all the responses. Will be better in a few more days when my head gets cleared out.
Need to not sit and dwell on all the mistakes. And stay busy. Sitting around thinking about all the relapses is torture.
The kids are old enough now they don’t have to put up with anymore. If they know I am drinking they avoid me. Use to be they would just put up with it.
Thanks for all the responses. Will be better in a few more days when my head gets cleared out.
Last edited by Khorhey; 08-07-2022 at 01:42 PM. Reason: add
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Getting sober and staying sober is not easy. It's very hard and it takes a lot of commitment. You must decide that alcohol is never an option, ever, no matter what happens. You can work through the guilt and shame. Many of us here have felt overwhelmed with those feelings. But, in time, things improve. You said you were sober for two months with AA last year. That was a great accomplishment, but two months is not enough time for your mind, body and spirit to reset. Be patient. And neither rehab nor AA will keep you sober unless you do the hard work involved. But, you know that it would be worth it.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Alcohol makes people feel good temporarily, that's the reason it's addictive! But that good feeling comes at a tremendous cost: lost time, wrecked relationships, depression, guilt, loss, health problems, you know the drill.
If you haven't been able to stop by connecting to your feelings of guilt, then try to stop by making this dispassionate and blame-free observation: alcohol simply makes you feel worse. Choose to not put yourself through all that unnecessary hardship anymore.
If you haven't been able to stop by connecting to your feelings of guilt, then try to stop by making this dispassionate and blame-free observation: alcohol simply makes you feel worse. Choose to not put yourself through all that unnecessary hardship anymore.
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Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,909
I can’t stop because I enjoy it
I can relate though because at one time, for me and I am sure many others on here, drinking was fun and I enjoyed it. But the fun and enjoyment were long gone, never to return. I kept going back to drinking because I thought it would be fun and enjoyable again, but I could no more return to the fun and enjoyment, than I could return to being 5 years old again. Just wasn't going to happen. What happened instead of fun and enjoyment was miserable self loathing hell.
If you are at all like me, the sooner you quit, the sooner the misery and hell will start to fade...and be replace by fun and enjoyment. I am not going to blow smoke here... it won't happen overnight, but then we drank for decades, what could be expected? But it will come to pass and it won't take decades. It will happen much quicker than the descent into hell.
Quit. What have you got to lose? In my case, nothing but misery.
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Join Date: Aug 2022
Posts: 274
Liste to Nez's wise, wise words buddy. they're spot on
I used to love getting p*****d up and it was great fun. Many years further down the line (before going into re-hab), I despised the stuff but had no say whatsoever in whether I drank. I started at 8am in the morning, vomiting into a plastic bag, dry wretching bringing up bile, this was an every day occurance. Then I'd walk to the shop standing outsid often soaked in the rain (I live in England), Shaking, I couldn'teven tie my own shoe laces. I'd get back home sometimes in tears and start all over againg until I passed out or ran out. I'd often go 3 days with no food at all. I had food but couldn't eat. I just wanted drink. I saw food as an inconvenience that stopped me drinking.
Please,please tell me where the fun and enjoyment is in that??!! It was hell. I didn't live, I merely existed.
Sorry to be graphic, I guess you haven't hit rock bottom mate to say you still enjoy it.
I hope it works out for you, but if you don't tackle it head on now, your story will mirror mine and I wouldn't wish that on my worst eneny
I used to love getting p*****d up and it was great fun. Many years further down the line (before going into re-hab), I despised the stuff but had no say whatsoever in whether I drank. I started at 8am in the morning, vomiting into a plastic bag, dry wretching bringing up bile, this was an every day occurance. Then I'd walk to the shop standing outsid often soaked in the rain (I live in England), Shaking, I couldn'teven tie my own shoe laces. I'd get back home sometimes in tears and start all over againg until I passed out or ran out. I'd often go 3 days with no food at all. I had food but couldn't eat. I just wanted drink. I saw food as an inconvenience that stopped me drinking.
Please,please tell me where the fun and enjoyment is in that??!! It was hell. I didn't live, I merely existed.
Sorry to be graphic, I guess you haven't hit rock bottom mate to say you still enjoy it.
I hope it works out for you, but if you don't tackle it head on now, your story will mirror mine and I wouldn't wish that on my worst eneny
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