ToughChoices

Finished my 5th step today with my counselor. I feel simultaneously free and nauseous.

Admitting shortcomings is like asking to be found unworthy, and, it turns out, there’s pretty much nothing I’m more afraid of than being unworthy.

So here I am afraid. Unworthy. And I’ve never wanted to use/drink as much as I do right now. That’s just the TRUTH.

I know that this is the path to freedom, but it is REALLY hard to climb. It’s so hard to look at yourself honestly when you’ve been maintaining a persona for years.

The truth is:

1: I am a judgmental b***h. And I judge myself more harshly than anyone else.
2. I’m terrified of being unlovable.
3. I lie to myself to explain/justify my use. “It’s not that bad. The kids don’t know. I always paid the bills so I’ve earned some leisure/ recreation experiences.
4. I work hard so that others will find me indispensable. I’m trying to earn love by appearing giving. This transaction is selfish, but I make it look selfless. ‘Cause that feeds my ego.
5. I am self-centered and fear-centered. It’s going to take a lot of work to get through these issues.

I will not use. I will not drink. I will get braver, over time.

Thanks for the therapy!

Dee74

Hi TC

I'm not in AA but I think the point of any sort of self inventory is - you let go of all of that, consign it to 'before' and you promise to try to be a better you in future.

Fear and insecurity can run deep - but not so deep we can't dig at the roots

I think you're doing great

​​​​​​​D

Tetrax

The truth is:

6. I write really well

Hawkeye13

I feel like you are describing me in your inventory, and just need to add a healthy dose of perfectionism to mix with the low self-esteem to spice things up even more

It is pretty normal to feel ungrounded and frightened when we begin to grok what we assumed about our personality isn’t quite what we thought. I found I was hyper-focused on what was “wrong” about me in early sobriety instead of the many good things I had done and was doing right—including seeking an honest recovery and accounting.

For me, it seemed connected to trying to find a place to pin the usual self-loathing I used to generate while using. I just made it automatically and need somewhere to put it, as it were.
Make any sense?

Anna

It's really hard to look honestly at ourselves in sobriety. I found things about myself that made me feel very disappointed in myself. Maybe it's time to write down some positive things about yourself and to know that you can move forward.

Maya Angelou's quote is so simple, but it helped me: "I did then what I knew how to do. Now I know better, I do better".

nez

You will also get better over time. You just completed your road map for the journey out (the truth 1 - 5). Now you just need to get in motion and follow the map to arrive at your desired destination. How cool is that!!!

ToughChoices

Thank you for identifying with me, Hawkeye!
And, yes, this makes sense. I’m used to feeling inferior while looking superior. Right now I look inferior but feel better. And my brain doesn’t know what to do with this!!! Maybe cognitive dissonance is a driver in my using cycle?

ToughChoices

Thanks, Tetrax.

That means a lot to me as I’ve always thought the same of you!

ToughChoices

It’s REALLY cool, Nez, I guess this recovery stuff is a lot like physical exercise.
It hurts and it’s hard to get started, but once you get rolling it feels AWESOME .

Thanks for giving me the image of a person “on her way” to a desired destination. I just have to follow instructions!

ToughChoices

Thanks, Anna. I knew better (consciously), but my inner subconscious is a demanding, selfish monster. And I gave into it 🤦‍♀️

Perhaps it will get easier as I own that selfishness as a part of me, rather than denying and attempting to conceal it. Denial just made me feel like a fraud! And spurred me on to additional drug use.

Hawkeye13

I agree with the “owning instead of denying” model—I have had far more success and comfort in my own skin since I accepted the AV as part of me and not as an alien enemy. It’s the part of me that hurts, has bad memories, has an inferno of anger it cannot always process in a healthy way (which has improved greatly).

It is the wound-of-self I tried to heal with numbness and poison, thinking if I drowned it in alcohol it would detach from the “real” me and be gone. But no, in my case it is part and parcel of the me that was, is, is becoming and needs to be seen so it can transform from toxic to growth.

Same way you put s#%* in the garden to make plants healthy

DriGuy

Sometimes it's hard to bring up uncomfortable topics, even with a counselor. I went to free counseling as a graduate student for a year and a half at the University Counseling Center (free to all students) and found that telling a counselor about this stuff always worked out well. We hide from a lot of things, and counseling is about being honest with yourself. That's where the growth comes in. And that's what brought surprise insights up from my subconscious. Each of these insights were positive for me and would put me on a cloud. BUT each one was preceded by a bout of scary anxiety that was nerve wracking, but once it became conscious, it was always, with never an exception, something that would make me float on air for a day or two.

Much of this depends on the counselor. Mine was wonderful. I will never forget that woman, and I hope she has not forgotten me. I'd like to think she hasn't. It was a very fulfilling relationship. I seldom dig that deep anymore or strive to grow so quickly, so the anxiety isn't there now, as things come to the surface quietly and slowly. I haven't seen a counselor for years, but what a learning experience that was.

Steely

It's not always about 'unworthiness'. It's also about deservedness.

ToughChoices

I am not a bad person. I’m just a person. I’ve made mistakes. I’ve also been kind and giving. I’m a good friend, a caring parent, and a loving spouse.

I loved and lost my first husband to addiction. Though I have much greater empathy for his struggle now, it is, frankly, incredibly damaging to feel that a substance is more important to your spouse than you are. Interesting that I internalized that “less than a substance” feeling and sabotaged my own life…..

I guess it’s hard for me to get a grip on the message that I AM deserving of love, even if I make mistakes. Admitting those imperfections is a step on the road away from them.

MrPL

Hey ToughChoices,

I’m really happy for you!

In order to make anything that is not working work, we first need to know what needs to be fixed.

With our own selves it’s no different, it’s just harder because we somehow are capable of being someone we are not meant be (comes with the being human package unfortunately).

Now it’s time to get fixing! Not sure if this will help, but when I went through this self discovery process I also wrote down all the things that were wrong me, just like your list.

However, right next to it, I wrote what would “right”look like. And then next to it a plan to get there.

In other words, I project managed Mr P, one step at a time.

It’s been a long road, which I’m still travelling on and will probably never stop, but the list now looks much, much better than 6 years ago, when I wrote the first one!

ToughChoices

This is a helpful concept for me!

Instead of “fighting” the addict voice, perhaps I can just listen to its cries and slowly, firmly shake my head “no”?

Pity it as I would pity a small child having a tantrum? “Poor thing! She just doesn’t know how to deal with this right now!”

But I can learn! I’m learning.

BackandScared

I recently said in a post about marking my 3 years of sobriety that I like myself a lot now. Which is probably incredibly ironic, because never, when I was drinking I thought of all my flaws seriously. Instead, alcohol gave me the excuse. The only thing that was really wrong was my little vice of drinking a bit too much. When I finally admitted I drank a lot, then alcohol became the only and obvious issue to resolve.

Now it is resolved, there are many many traits about me that I am discovering and not liking at all. But I am working on them with and without progress, but mainly (and this is something that has been coming only in the past 6 months) not judging myself as much. From all your list (and I totally agree with Tetrax on point 6) I woud use all the energy possible to takle the judgmetnal mind.

Look at all your toxic thoughts and try not to judge yourself. Sometimes I leave the house promising myself not to 'judge' any situation i come across and most of the time now I also start the day with the intention of not trying to convince anyone about my own view on anything. It is doing wonders with my mind and my mental health.

i have neve been so aware of all my imperfections but also never been so patient with myself. I did not quit alcohol to continue the ill-treatment and self-loathing as Haweke says.

look at your list again and try to own these traits with another narrative or without any judgment. There are no perfect good or bad personality traits. Everything comes with its own lights and shadows. it is nice to have the clarity of mind to see these things and look after yourself.

RAL

Although not in aa I can relate to those feelings.

I read 'quit like a woman' and it helped immensely with improving feelings of self worth.

Ladysadie

Your post resonates with me, TC. I'm sure if you listed your positive attributes your list would definitely fill the whole page!

sugarbear1

If you are working the steps, do not stop between steps.....meaning, you need to get through step 7 now......do not stop on 5, it's not where you want to leave your head....is your person a member of AA? Like a sponsor?