ToughChoices

I took step 5 with my private counselor. Oddly, my sponsor indicated that she would rather me use my pastor or therapist for this step. I say oddly, because I would have had no problem confessing to my sponsor....I think perhaps she was afraid to hear the confession from me? Maybe afraid of her response or afraid that she would break confidentiality (our husbands know each other socially and work together, though I did not know her at all before joining my home group.)

I'll admit that, in retrospect, it would have been better for me to work this directly with my sponsor instead of my counselor. I spent my entire hour session pouring over my resentments and flaws and the harms I had done to others. It was good to get that out, but there was no time left over for reassurances or deeper explorations. That means I sat with a JUNK emotional state all day and night.

Everyone has their own personal triggers. Guilt and shame are my biggest offenders. Standing before someone and saying, "Check out my nonsense!" made me feel desperate to escape that nonsense. I was restless and anxious and fearful. I wanted relief SO BADLY.

How messed up is this? I was making home-made ice cream with my little boys Monday afternoon, measured out 2 teaspoons of vanilla to pour into the base, and found myself wanting to drink a straight 10ml measuring spoon of vanilla!!! What?!?! I could smell the alcohol, and I WANTED IT.

Alcohol is something I must avoid because of my addiction to prescription pain medication (tramadol), but I don't have a personal history of alcoholic drinking. We don't keep alcohol in our home, and I have ZERO access to drugs. Still, emotional nonsense put me in a terrible spot. If "You're so miserable you should drink some disgusting flavoring extract this afternoon" is not an alcoholic's thought, I don't know what is!

Character defects, if not dealt with promptly and thoroughly, enhance the addict voice. So much so, that I heard it SCREAM at me. I poured the vanilla into the base, and we made the ice cream. My boys and I ate it with brownies. Buying imitation vanilla from here on out, I guess. 🤦‍♀️

Steps 6 and 7 came yesterday with my sponsor at my Big Book Meeting. Now I feel FREE, but, man oh man, am I am FAR FROM PERFECT. Interestingly, admitting my faults to another person lead me to a renewal of my own, personal conviction that I am a mess in all sorts of ways.

I appreciate your insight about moving right through 5 into 6 and 7. When I sponsor others in the future, I will proceed with that schedule, sugarbear.

Thanks for listening, guys!
-TC

sugarbear1

I saw my patterns of behavior and how I respond/react instead of listening, thinking and acting! Glad you are moving forward!!

nez

Oh yeah, I can relate. I still say it was the most liberating thing I have ever done!!! And I may have been a mess...but I was a mess I could now work on!! Such a great thing! FREE!!!

fini

TC, you talk about step five being an asking to be found unworthy.
you know, that is your perspective, and you could could reframe it to a different one. i understand how it can feel like that, the unworthiness (though it was more step 4 where that hit me).
my view of is that this step is asking to be found human and imperfect. and you were. and are.
and accepted nonetheless, amongst the rest of us imperfect and human ones.
you are likely the only one expecting perfection from you.