VikingGF

I'm getting so much better at spotting my own dangerous behaviors- and I certainly know where they can lead. Today, I had at least a half a bag of Doritos for breakfast. This is significant because 1. I don't eat breakfast and B, I don't eat Doritos. It was completely mindless and weird and a total throwback to when I would do things that were bad for me thinking they had no consequences. What is different is that when I stopped myself from polishing off the whole bag and threw it in the trash, I asked "What the HELL was that?" and I made myself sit down and think about it. I'm acting out. I'm being an angry, petulant child who is annoyed that I can't just do whatever I want and still have my way (eat junk and still meet my health/wellness goals) just like I didn't curb my drinking and thought I was living the best life I could. Fortunately, I also know what to do about it- make a plan, rethink my stance on why I'm focused on improving my health and the LIES I tell myself before eating a bag of trash and get real. Change it up, play it forward, just like I did with alcohol. Because I feel like crap right now, and it's all on me. Now I get off my butt, go for a long, sweaty walk and then plan my meals/eating schedule for the next week until I have my focus back. The lizard brain isn't just for alcohol, and neither are the strategies for controlling other undesirable behaviors.

Onward.

ClearPath64

Onward indeed. Good for you for catching yourself and changing course. The work never ends, does it? Not if we're going to evolve and grow.

Zura

Awesome work viking. Your so right that alcohol wasn't the only thing we likely had a dysfunctional relationship with, or behaviour that didn't serve. Great post, inspiring that your focused on your health and wellness 😊

fishkiller

Clarity
A great gift of sobriety
I understand and relate to what you wrote. I had my binging junk period and yes it makes you feel like crap. Not as bad as alcohol but we are here to live our Best Life and gorging on crap does not fit into that plan.

Good Work!

DriGuy

I do stupid things like that too, and I know it's stupid while I'm doing it. And then I ask myself why, and I come up short. But you might be onto something here. I do feel like I'm acting out. I sense it as an act of defiance, but there's no one else here to defy. It's just me, petulant me. But there is momentary pleasure in it too, even though I eat so much ice cream that I go to bed feeling physically uncomfortable and out of sorts. I know this will happen too and that I will hate myself the next day, but somehow I seem to pull the shade down on my adult as if that part of me is not there. And actually, it is not there while I'm being defiant. I compartmentalize the petulant me from the adult me so they don't interfere with each other, but only long enough to do some damage.

I tell myself it's like recovery. I didn't begin recovery until I changed my behavior, and stopped asking why, but here I am trying to analyze why, rather than just stopping the behavior. OK, I'm going to stop talking right now, and let this gel for awhile.

DriGuy

I can go for long periods, months and months, without being the petulant child, but he seems to be there hiding and whining and then he comes out. I need to grow up. I'm only part adult. LOL

VikingGF

Exactly! I have been thinking on this since I posted yesterday. It’s the same switch I flipped when I drank- the I don’t give a **** switch that I have been working so hard to deactivate. It feels like I’m almost afraid to be all I can be, I have to have an “out” so I don’t have to be in charge and choosing the next right thing all the time. But since I disapprove of this, part of me disappears and that defiant child comes out. I am not resentful that I cannot drink. But I do seem resentful of other limitations, is this just an under evolved ego that was stunted by years of drinking rather than dealing with life?

Zura

This is such a good topic!! Love people's responses. Viking something you said reminded me of the Nelson Mandela quote:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us."

Thanks for the great thread viking 😊

dustyfox

Great work Viking on thinking this through. And I love the fact you are journeying through this amazing landscape called sobriety - given it's a new place there are a lot of things to explore - thank you for a little bit of map reading - it really helps us all to read your post.

D122y

My world goes from feeling happy to feeling sad every day. I have a therapist and talking with them has made my issues more real.

The therapist has given me strategies to help me get through the day without getting bogged down in an obsession.

I am so against any drugs or electro treatments to feel more calm. I self medicated for decades (booze) so now I am dealing with my mental issues clean as a whistle.

One strategy is saying it is ok to get frustrated. I don't have to always give way. Even though I still do almost always, afterwards I know that it is ok to feel frustration.

Pressing the reset button after a dramatic event also helps.

So many strategies I learned about here and on the www have been reinforced by my pro help. That is awesome.

I relate to this thread because I feel like I could relapse in the future. Staying sober requires active work. Just saying I don't drink anymore is for the masses, the truth is I deal with relapse routinely.

Coming here and reading about folks dealing with their own demons helps me.

Thanks for the therapy.

VikingGF

D122y- Do you fear relapse or actually have to deal with feeling like you could relapse on a given day? Your post was very insightful- I never, ever kid myself that I'm "cured" but I do not think or feel concerned about relapsing. I mean, I know I could, but I never think about it. I do work on staying sober every day- maybe that's the same, I don't know.

Well, this DORITOS thing really spun me all around and I spent a lot of time over this past weekend trying to come to terms with it, reading all the responses, synthesizing that info and then this morning I turned off all the noise and got down to it. I came to the realization that I have a real issue with feeling controlled by an outside source- and by snarfing down a junky snack that I have not consumed since my teenaged years I was demonstrating this. But who was controlling me? No one was standing here waggling a finger at me or shaking their head in disappointment, who was I giving what's what to? It was all those judgmental, disapproving voices from my growing up years- and I know this is not a unique-to-me revelation; those voices evolved into my OWN inner voice. And I hated it. But I thought it was really ME. It wasn't. I had to reconcile that I no longer have to act out to show that I can do whatever I dang well please. No one is watching anymore. No one is keeping count or making me do anything- it's all me. That contrary behavior is no longer necessary- I can stop it all now. I win. I don't have to do things that hurt me to prove I can do what I want- I can choose the good things now and I'm not doing it because someone told me to. I'm able to make those choices now because I want a BEST LIFE and it is my privilege and responsibility to do this for myself. I don't have to become uptight or threatened if someone is trying to teach me or help me, these are good things, not controlling things. I don't have to say F U to anyone anymore at the expense of myself. I stopped doing that with alcohol, and I was starting to do it with food- I'm allowed to NOT have a poison anymore. It's ok. I can be OK. There is no junk in my house now, it is back to normal. I feel like I opened yet another door that was locked up tight while I was actively drinking for so many years.

Grateful.

ClearPath64

I love your perspective Viking. You have taken the reins of your life and are guiding it to a place of peace and self-love. Your personal lessons are helping me to learn and evolve as well and I thank you.