I already know the answer......
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
I already know the answer......
Hi all,
Looking for some advice. I've been getting to know someone I just very recently met and he's just dropped a bombshell (lol) that he could never date anyone with a mental health issue. Now I have yet to inform him of my illness (alcoholism - I'm sober nearly 2 years, work a programme, have a sponsor etc) but this is something I've not faced before. He's entitled to his opinion on that of course and I respect that but do I tell him or just walk away at this point. I'm seeing my sponsor later today and I'll speak about it then but I would really just like your thoughts on this. I don't hide the fact I'm an alcoholic but I don't feel I owe everyone an explanation to who I am today.
Feel a bit stuck on this.
Any help would be appreciated.
Peace x
Looking for some advice. I've been getting to know someone I just very recently met and he's just dropped a bombshell (lol) that he could never date anyone with a mental health issue. Now I have yet to inform him of my illness (alcoholism - I'm sober nearly 2 years, work a programme, have a sponsor etc) but this is something I've not faced before. He's entitled to his opinion on that of course and I respect that but do I tell him or just walk away at this point. I'm seeing my sponsor later today and I'll speak about it then but I would really just like your thoughts on this. I don't hide the fact I'm an alcoholic but I don't feel I owe everyone an explanation to who I am today.
Feel a bit stuck on this.
Any help would be appreciated.
Peace x
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Join Date: Oct 2015
Location: west falls, ny
Posts: 602
Hi Peace,
. You said that you've been sober for 2 yrs.
Do you feel otherwise mentally stable now?
If you do, I wouldn't let it trouble me.
Also you said that you just met this person.
Although I believe in being honest, I don't think you need to tell all your business at this point.
I'm sure that as you get to know this person, when the time is right, you will say something.
. You said that you've been sober for 2 yrs.
Do you feel otherwise mentally stable now?
If you do, I wouldn't let it trouble me.
Also you said that you just met this person.
Although I believe in being honest, I don't think you need to tell all your business at this point.
I'm sure that as you get to know this person, when the time is right, you will say something.
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Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 1,025
Hi Peace,
I’m always pro opening up. If he doesn’t understand it then he is not right for you and you deserve better.
It’s one thing when someone lived through our dark alcoholic days, I get when they can’t cope even after we stop, but someone new has to trust you, without trust sooner or later things get sour.
I’m always pro opening up. If he doesn’t understand it then he is not right for you and you deserve better.
It’s one thing when someone lived through our dark alcoholic days, I get when they can’t cope even after we stop, but someone new has to trust you, without trust sooner or later things get sour.
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Yes, you don't own anyone an explanation. There really is not a reason to open up and be vulnerable if his mind is closed to dating anyone with mental health issues. I wish him the best of luck on that. People suffer from all sorts of different things....Anxiety, depression, obsessive behavior, alcoholism, addictions to various things like gaming, gambling, working out.... ..... It would be hard to find someone who doesnt have some "challenge" or "issue." We all have our stuff. Even he has something that he struggles with. I dont know what it is but I am for positive it is there....
Im not saying that everyone has a mental health issue, but I am saying that every adult has a thing they struggle with. This is just part of the human experience. It sounds like his issue might be one that could be diagnosed as "Closed Mind" and this is the trickiest of them all!
Stay in your truth. You dont owe him your truth. Keep on walking forward.
Im not saying that everyone has a mental health issue, but I am saying that every adult has a thing they struggle with. This is just part of the human experience. It sounds like his issue might be one that could be diagnosed as "Closed Mind" and this is the trickiest of them all!
Stay in your truth. You dont owe him your truth. Keep on walking forward.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think he's just narrowed his prospect of finding love to less than a needle in a haystack.
In my not professional opinion, we all have our mental health battles. For some it's anxiety, depression, addiction. For others it's grandiosity, narcissism, controlling, histrionics, lying, cheating, gambling, etc. Sounds like this guy has a bit of his own black and white thinking going on. I'm sure if you got to know him that he has some darkness. We all do.
I just tell people right up front with whom I'm starting any kind of relationship. I don't usually use the word, "alcoholic," unless they are also in recovery. I guess if I was going to meetings I'd have to reveal that. I don't really see alcoholism as (only) a mental illness, though. To me it was/is about biology. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not blaming society, but it is a ubiquitous problem - one that everyone can see in their own families and acquaintances. Most people just never choose to change and would never acknowledge that they had a problem.
The right person is out there for you. If it's not this guy, that's probably one of those strangely wrapped gifts.
In my not professional opinion, we all have our mental health battles. For some it's anxiety, depression, addiction. For others it's grandiosity, narcissism, controlling, histrionics, lying, cheating, gambling, etc. Sounds like this guy has a bit of his own black and white thinking going on. I'm sure if you got to know him that he has some darkness. We all do.
I just tell people right up front with whom I'm starting any kind of relationship. I don't usually use the word, "alcoholic," unless they are also in recovery. I guess if I was going to meetings I'd have to reveal that. I don't really see alcoholism as (only) a mental illness, though. To me it was/is about biology. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm not blaming society, but it is a ubiquitous problem - one that everyone can see in their own families and acquaintances. Most people just never choose to change and would never acknowledge that they had a problem.
The right person is out there for you. If it's not this guy, that's probably one of those strangely wrapped gifts.
Mizz, we cross posted the same thoughts. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2018
Posts: 60
Wow thank you so much guys. I'm good with his opinion purely because my opinion on myself isn't the same as it used to be (before something like this would have stung!) today I know it's his stuff and not mine. I just wasn't sure if being honest in this instance was the right thing to do - and at this point I don't feel I need to offer an explanation - to thine own self be true!
Peace x
Peace x
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
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I agree with you PeaceInSilence. You don't owe him an explanation. As others have said, many/most adults struggle with something and the words we use as labels aren't always meaningful. Time will tell if he is the right person for you.
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Join Date: Jun 2018
Posts: 278
Also, just keep in mind, that "refusing to date someone with mental health issues" is a pretty controlling stance, if you think about it. That may be his way of saying that he doesn't have any patience for someone else's feelings.
It's like he's saying upfront that you don't have permission to be sad, or anxious, or even angry around him. Or that you don't have permission to express those feelings if you had them.
Not saying that's truly what he means, of course, but I'd be suspicious.
It's like he's saying upfront that you don't have permission to be sad, or anxious, or even angry around him. Or that you don't have permission to express those feelings if you had them.
Not saying that's truly what he means, of course, but I'd be suspicious.
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Posts: 154
I think your question should be "should I go out with a guy who said such a thing " .
personally I'd view what he said as a red flag. It's like that "all my exes were psychos" thing . There's always a common demonimator as we all find out 12 months on.
Listen to him !! . He didn't say "I'd never go out with an overweight, underweight, black, white person. If he did You'd know he was shallow or racist and walk away.
There's a reason he's saying this and I don't think you should wait to find out why .
personally I'd view what he said as a red flag. It's like that "all my exes were psychos" thing . There's always a common demonimator as we all find out 12 months on.
Listen to him !! . He didn't say "I'd never go out with an overweight, underweight, black, white person. If he did You'd know he was shallow or racist and walk away.
There's a reason he's saying this and I don't think you should wait to find out why .
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
I have to wonder if he considers alcoholism a mental health issue. It kind of is, and I think it's listed in the psychiatry desk reference. I'm an alcoholic and I don't consider myself as having a mental health issue, and with 26 years of sobriety under my belt, I don't even think it's relevant. Having said that, everyone has mental health issues, including your boyfriend. It's a matter of degree whether they are problematic or not.
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