Worried14

Well, I'd got a year under my belt a couple of years ago then relapsed, then a couple of episodes of several months sobriety between drinking bouts.
So I've been thinking about what caused the relapse in the first place. I've said it was celebrating 1 year but of course there was more to it than that. For several months I'd been "plunged" (thats how it felt) into a sudden full time experience of baby sitting and family support, leaving the house at 7:30am every morning and getting back in the evening. It was still early sobriety for me and I still hadn't learnt to take care of that sobriety. Or at least I was taking care of it but then started to neglect it and gradually got more down as I experienced more stress. Didn't spend enough time on myself and my spiritual growth.
I didn't feel I could "not" help out at the time when the family was going through difficult times. That feeling of not so much going the extra mile but for close family you go five hundred miles then 500 more can be quite overwhelming and took me by surprise.
So, from that I've learnt that to stay sober I need to spend time on me. I'm not strong enough to not spend time on me. There is always a feeling inside, when it comes to offspring and offspring of offspring that I'll do anything for them, I'll give my life for them literally, even though that's illogical because then I wouldn't be there for them at all.
Well, thats something I'll have to work on. Things aren't quite as demanding as they were but are still demanding to varying degrees. So vigilance is needed.
I know for one thing, I need to stay with this lovely SR family while working on me
Love and peace to all x

Dee74

I found it hard to say no too Worried - but it does get easier
I often speak about resigning as General Manager of the Universe in order to stay sober.

The thing is tho you will always have stress - everyone does.

It's very important to think about that and think about other ways to deal with stress other than drinking.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...44-stress.html (Stress)

Worried14

Lol 😆 Yes Dee you're funny
Looks like you didn't read all my post because learning about ways to deal with stress was precisely what i was talking about.
I wonder why you missed that bit... perhaps thats something you should think about Dee

Dee74

Your double negative bamboozled me here Worried
I read that as 'not strong enough to spend time on me'.

One of the ways I let GM of the Universe go was to accept I will sometimes make a mistake, apologise and not endlessly obsess over it.

I'm glad you're already on the ball...in any case, if you read it the link I posted it has some good ideas, I think

D

Worried14

of course the link will be useful - you're right there.
I'm glad you've learnt not to obsess over mistakes.... thats something else I need to work on
Perhaps I'm not so disappointed in you after all

MrPL

Hi worried,

I totally agree that working on your well-being, spiritual growth, yourself, will help with sobriety.

I managed to stay almost 2 yrs sober by doing that. Working on myself. Ended up relapsing.

I then realised that addiction finds a way in, so I’m now learning how to convince myself that I just don’t drink, regardless of what life throws at me.

Inner growth helps A LOT with this, but it’s second to it. The thought at the forefront is “I don’t drink”. I see that as the necessary part for the growth now, not the other way around.

Not trying to say you are wrong, just giving a different perspective. In the end we are all very different to each other, so whatever works! Thinking about why you relapsed last time is a great exercise!

You got this!

Worried14

Thanks MrPL, I think I agree with you and will think on what you've said.
Many years ago I went to AA. I remember a young woman of about 35 who'd been sober for 7 years started drinking again. She choked on her own vomit and died and was found by her young son.
its a life long thing isn't it. When you've got this "thing" that we've got, it never goes away. There are loads of stories like that, any amount of sobriety is no guarantee, its not like you get to 10 years sober then you're cured is it.
Vigilance and a daily support group to help with that.
Thanks for your support

Colin1

This has been critical for me in recovery also Worried and it has really helped me get through the first few months. Changing how I think and getting it to stick has always been hard. Figuring out what to change is even harder. But it is a very rewarding process when it works.

FWIW, I think you're on the right track. Never give up. We can do this

Colin1

Kudos Dee. There is a very good sobriety quote in there

Worried14

Thanks so much for your post Colin

Lol I thought it was really funny too - about gm of the universe 😂

Worried14

Oh dear, when I see someones quoted me I cringe and think "oh no, what have I said now ahhhhh, and they've commented, I daren't read it but I im compelled to "lol

aasharon90

We try not to place folks on a pedestal because anything
can happen. It's not the amount of sober time we have but
rather the quality of it that helps use achieve continuous
sobriety. A few words that I learned early on in recovery
and is a constant reminder of others trying to build a strong
recovery foundation to live upon .

We learn from our mistakes, brush ourselves off, relearn
lessons no matter how long it takes. Progress, moving
forward not expecting perfection.

Support, care, understanding, appreciation, consideration,
each going at their own pace with slow and steady to win
the race. To beat our addiction.

fishkiller

Sobriety has to be #1.
We cannot take care of others if we don't take care of ourselves first.

I have a similar situation going on now and have set firm boundaries. I help as much as I reasonably can.
I also say no when I feel my help may not be as needed as claimed and will only drag me down further.

I learned this the hard way also. I did not drink over it but I was MISERABLE trying to save the world.

Like Mr. P, when all else seems to be failing me I retreat to the one unbreakable rule I have for myself.
I Do Not Drink No Matter What

The only rule in the universe I blindly obey for I know it is a life or death proposition.

DriGuy

I spent 24/7 focused on me and me not drinking. It is a big commitment, and full time job. Of course, I did other things, because sobriety deals with things outside yourself. Working from dawn to dusk, may have been overreaching. It can be done, but you can't lose sight of yourself if you do.

novips

If I want to stay sober, then there are certain actions I have to take on a daily/weekly basis. Broadly speaking, these break down into (1) A.A. meetings, (2) A.A. step work, and (3) A.A. service work. These recovery actions have be at the center of my life, with everything else being spokes emanating from that center. I will get drunk if I put anything else in the center and try to convince myself that I'll be fine with A.A. and my recovery simply being a spoke. Then, as you say, I'll lose both my sobriety and the thing I thought I was marginalizing my sobriety for. As it says on page 14 of the Big Book: "Simple, but not easy; a price had to be paid."

Worried14

Thanks so much for all your support. I've just had a sleep so feeling a bit better now. Still feeling rough and post binge I think.
its funny really, I've never felt so useful and needed in my life. Before that I felt like an invisible useless person that no one would ask for help and no one would have noticed if i disappeared.
The situation at the time was complex. If I hadn't helped out my son and his family may well have been in trouble. He had to carry on earning a living so that the family could continue to survive and prosper. To be honest, I did put that before my sobriety because I felt I needed to help them through that time. They're younger than me and have potentially more life ahead of them so place there well being above mine.
My son and his wife are living separately now and waiting for their decree absolute. They share the care of the kids.
My son is well aware of my situation and does all he can to protect me from the demands of his nearly ex wife. He knows I worry. She will unload her kids whenever she can so she can get on with something less boring. Usually lying in bed watching TV. She had her own mother run ragged helping her out doing washing for her etc in fact a lot more than I ever did. I remember the last evening I saw her mother. She was loading the car with washing. It was 4pm and I was taking over babysitting. She was walking very slowly and I remember how shattered she looked. She died that evening.
Now, if I die I'm sure my son will survive but I'm glad I helped them through that time.
If I die my husband will be fine and probably won't notice much so no worries there lol.

Anyway, you've given me a lot of advice and guidance to think on and its lovely to have so much support.
I love SR.
I'm still going through the physical and mental effects of my last binge 🤯