stephcori

My boyfriend came back from a combat deployment 9 months ago. We started dating shortly afterwards. I had no idea what he was struggling with. Neither did he. We fell in love hard and fast. As time went on, he started developing PTSD from deployment and turned to alcohol. Of course he didn't tell me he was struggling. I started to notice what was going on and confronted him about his drinking. He told me the gist of what was going on and he had trouble coming back from deployment. He started to drink more and more. Things got bad really fast. He totaled my car.... I don't know if it's because he was drinking, he did smell of beer.... He told his mom that he crashed my car on purpose because he wanted to kill himself. (luckily, no one was hurt) Since the car accident, I started distancing myself. I focused on myself and making sure i was mentally ok. Things were still going bad that his parents had to call me. He has a grandfather who was an alcoholic and his dad struggled with alcohol when he was younger so they know he has *some* issues. His mom came down to help and offer her support. He got really drunk one day, didn't go to work, and just went to the park to drink ( another story in itself). His mom happened to be driving by and found him. Long story short... he told his mom, dad, and me that he was going to kill himself and was saying his goodbyes. He went MIA for 4 hours and we had to get the cops and the military involved. Eventually they found him and took him to the hospital for observation for a couple days. He came out of the hospital feeling better and was back to his normal self, but not even 4 hours laters he buys a bottle of wine and starts drinking in front of his mom and got drunk. Since the military got involved, he is now forced to follow a recovery program. But of course doesn't mean he will follow through with it, but his job does depend on it.

So that leaves me in a weird position. the past 2 months have been empty promises and empty bottles and nothing but lies. I know that's not him and all coming from the alcohol and the problems he's dealing with. I have no one in my life who has gone through this and dealt with alcoholism. I know nothing about it besides what I've learned from the tv. Which is all just a hopeless disease and I shouldn't bother holding out hope. I know if I stay with him im in for a long road of recovery. but are there success stories? has anyone had a spouse actually get better? it seems like there's no hope whatsoever, i feel that sticking with him is worth it, at least for now. But am i just being dumb and naive?? im so lost.

Anna

Welcome, and yes, of course there are success stories. Many of us here have long-term recovery. But, you're right, that you are likely to go through some big ups and downs if you stay in the relationship. It will be up to your boyfriend to help himself and to stick with his recovery program.

It might be a good idea for you to look into AlAnon in your community as a support for yourself. Whether you stay in the relationship or not, you are likely to need support.

You might also check out our forum for Friends & Families:

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/

Steely

Yes, people do recover stephcori, it happens all of the time, but your boyfriend is going to have to want it to happen. And you are going to have to consider your own needs, and your own future if he doesn't appear to be putting in the work required to make it happen.

Does the programme with the military also include support for partners?

Wishing you all the very best stephcori, but do know this could be a very long and difficult path. You are entitled to a good life without this if you so choose,

Mizz

Lets see.....
Well, I am in recovery and will have 20 months sober in a few days. I was diagnosed with PTSD, GAD, and Depression when I was in therapy years ago. PTSD takes on various forms and affects people in various ways. It is not an easy diagnosis to understand. At times, I understand my triggers, and then at times I am completely blindsided with worry, panic attacks, and an overall sense of doom that I cannot pin point. The only way for your boyfriend to get a better understanding of himself, his triggers, and to acquire healthy coping skills, is to get into recovery and stay in recovery.

Comorbid substance use. There may be some info there that could give you a bit more information.

Recovery from substance abuse is not linear for most people. It makes sense to me as to why, within a few hours, he was drinking again. It does not make sense to the person who does not suffer from substance abuse disorder or PTSD. Whatever you want to call it, it doesn't make sense to the person who is not afflicted. It takes many starts and stops, and more starts and stops, until the person decides they are really ready to tackle the problems and learn.

I struggled, on and off, mostly on, with active substance abuse for over a decade. That is 10+ years of trying to get level and balanced. Working towards being healthy. It is absolutely 100% possible for your boyfriend to be in recovery and to have a happy life. It just takes A MOUNTAIN of work. Non stop work. Work that never stops but work that gets easier as time moves on.

Take care of yourself. Be gentle with you. You are not responsible for this man. Your happiness and your health are the number 1 priority. If you need to step away then do it. You cannot help what happened to him. You can support him. You can say "This group, or that book, or this community of support is there for you" but his determination to recover, and his commitment to recover is his to own. He can absolutely do it.

We are here for you!

vxper

Well in my case, I'm the spouse that got better and my wife is the one who stuck by me so yes, it does happen and I'm living with about 3.5 years of sobriety now. However, as others have stated, your BF's recovery is 100% dependent on his willingness and perseverance to live 1 day at a time in sobriety and face his own circumstances. I've talked about dual diagnoses therapists before and how they approach psychologic conditions and addiction as co-conditions that feed on each other is a cyclical manner. You feel bad, which makes you take your chosen substance, which makes you feel worse, which makes you take more and so on and so on. As for your part, perhaps the only thing you can do if you want to, is tell him that you want to support him, but in the end it is conditional on his sobriety. You are not a bad person for stepping away if he can't do that and it isn't your fault if he chooses his addiction. I think the worst thing for you and him would be to allow your relationship to be an enabling one.

Dee74

This is a place of great support Steph - I’m glad you found us

D

Hevyn

Hi Steph. I'm so sorry for all you've been through.

I drank many years, & finally faced the fact that I had no control once it was in my system. As the others said, he has to want to get free of it. In order to have lasting sobriety we must reach the conclusion that it's not something we can ever do again. I tried to moderate but it was never possible.

Hoping you'll stay with us & let us know how you're doing.