dustyfox

Sasha4 - yes it's shame that I don't want to tell them....or indeed anyone. Total raw shame.
Yet..like you I am happy to tell anyone that I smoked for a very long time and have now quit over ten years ago...I feel sort of proud of that.
Alcoholism does not run in my family. It's just me. This makes me feel even less likely to talk to anyone about it.

Bonnefond87

I am watching a series called 'en therapie' here in France. It's well made, intelligent and thought provoking. Each season has a child and parents character. I have found it hard to watch as it demonstrates so many of the mistakes I made with my own children. My take on it would be to really examine why you think you should talk about a subject. Is it for you or them? I know I should have really listened more and talked less.

dustyfox

I see my daughter heading in a direction that may well lead to her making some mistakes, probably alcohol will play its' part. Of course I wish to protect her from harm but I am not sure telling an emotionally chaotic thirteen year old about my own experience with alcohol will help her, but I do tell her how many people have had their lives ruined by it, I hope it sinks in. Problem is any advice I give at the moment is the kiss of death for that advice. Perhaps just keeping silent may be a better course of action for the moment. Also I would quite like to have a little more distance between me and alcohol before I start offering sage wisdom. It's just shy of a year so far...no time really and yet it's been the most precious time for me.

BackandScared

What @Bonnefond87 says makes a lot of sense with children. Sometimes we are too worried about what we must tell them, how we must guide them and we make the terrible mistake of not listening. Children tend to tell you what they need if you make the effor to listen without articulating an opinion every time they dare to open to us.

Bonnefond87

You are doing great - and i think your instincts are right. I wish you all the luck in the world

Lila12

Scary that this is even a question from a parent.

Don't know if this is going to get me banned, but sometimes I feel like blowing sunshine up people's rears is just that.

If you don't know what to say to your own children I suggest counseling not an internet forum.

I feel like it's irresponsible for people to give you advice here..

No one is a family therapist..

Anna

Lila, the reason we are all here is to give and receive advice. That's what a message board is about. We share our personal experiences and hope to help one another as we journey through life.

Please use the Ignore Function if you don't want to see someone's posts.

Anna

Dusty, thirteen year old girls are very tricky to deal with. It might be a question of waiting a bit longer, as you said, or maybe finding the right timing to have such a conversation.

dustyfox

You're right Lila - there probably aren't many qualified therapists on this site, family therapists, grief counsellors or addiction councillors - but what there are many of are people with a vast array of experience, insight, empathy and kindness. Recovering alcoholics are often negotiating very complex emotions, insecurities and pain, the wonderful thing about this forum is it provides a non judgmental space in which to explore those complexities. So thank you people of SR for your wonderful insights and advice.

Lila12

Thank you Anna, will do.

I identify as an ACoA, so I am obviously not healed.

Very painful growing up with addics

And op, I'm working with a therapist because at age 50 my parents using is still affecting me.

dustyfox

It is very sad that children have to grown up seeing parents struggling with addiction and all that it entails, beyond sad. Once I had children, (late in life), I manged to squeeze drinking into the last few hours of the night when they were asleep and wake when they woke , I had no hangover, I don't know why , but as the day went on though I felt worse and worse .

I felt a massive duty not to screw up being a parent to these children and so tried again and again to quit. I was waking every night with anxiety and panic. I was terrified I would die and that an autopsy would reveal I had died of a cirrhosis and my whole family would despise me and my children would hate me. How I could have lived with that day after day I do not know. I still hate myself now for the risks I took with my own life, and not even because of me, but because of risking leaving the children with such scars.

My original post was born out of the shame I still feel , the horrible loneliness that descends when I think about it for too long. I am pleased I have quit or course I am, I feel some vague pride that I have done it, but more than that I still feel shame, shame, shame at the selfish, weak person I was, not so much when I had no children, but once I did have them I should have stopped. I am not beating myself up about it, ( much) but I am exploring these feelings and working through them, (slowly)

I am sure that after two years of sobriety that shame may go away, I hope so and THEN I might be able to talk to my children about it without feeling like a worm.
So these feelings I have are powerful, scary and private, I don't even talk to my husband about them. Not because we have a terrible relationship, not because I need marriage guidance, but because it's just too raw to talk to him about....yet.
Here on this forum it's still feels painful, but here at least I am just a picture of a fox.

Lila12

Hi Dusty,

I'm sorry I was so triggered. I'm barely managing myself and I have no right to judge anyone, I just spoke from the pain I went through and am going through.
Im drinking now to get through the emotional pain caused by my family..
​​​​​I'm so sorry and shame is a terrible terrible thing.

I'm glad you are strong enough to be honest. Shame tries to separate people.

I wish there was an ACOA forum here.
Seems like I'm a double winner.

Steely

Many of us here have parents who were/are addicts Lila. I lived in fear of my father's drinking throughout my entire childhood. I get the weird sense sometimes that I carry his shame, becoming a drinker myself to cope with the shame, and the fear.

I come here because I know that others here understand. And we understand you too, Lila.

I hope you continue to share Lila.

dustyfox

Dear Lila, I am so pleased we broke through being triggered , you by my post and me by your reaction, I agree with you that honesty is helpful but hard to find the strength sometimes, but it feels good when we do.

Steely

It sure does Dusty.

Dee74

we do have this forum lila
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ters-siblings/

D

Anna

Dusty, I have had many of the feelings you posted about. As you said, I must prevent myself from going down the rabbit hole with the shame I felt. At times, I feel like my brain is wired to go to the dark place and it takes effort to get past that. Of course, I can never go back and change those few years of my children's lives. Talking about with my kids has been very difficult. For a long time the feelings were simply too raw for me to get the words out. Then, I began to wonder if I was just going to talk to them in order to ease my feelings of guilt. And, yes, I really did want to ease my guilt but there was no way I would put my children in that position. They are adults now and I have talked to my son a bit. My daughter has let me know (implied) that she doesn't want to talk about it.

So, take the time you need before you talk to your kids. You know them and whether or not they will want a discussion.

BackandScared

Thank you dusty for opening this thread (and to everyone sharing). Lots of wisdom and also relief in knowing many of us have faced this and decided to wait before providing full disclosure that may not even be in the best interest of the listener.

Hawkeye13

Hi Lila;
I’m a triple winner—alcoholic parents, spouse, and self, and I often read and post on Friends and Family Forum on this List. Scroll down a little farther past Alcoholism forum to find it. Lots of wise people and shared experiences on all the forums, and F & Family has been especially useful in me seeing where my early triggers came from growing up, which eventually led to my own Alcohol Use Disorder.

Like you, have had much trauma from early childhood and through adulthood (nearly 58 now) and the forum has really helped me get varied perspectives, and to share my own experience which has helped me process and heal quite a bit.

Glad you are here

Obladi

Hi again, dusty. When I read your initial post, I assumed that the kids didn't know you had a problem because of their ages. I figured if they didn't know, then they must have been quite young when you stopped drinking.

Now that I know more about your story, I would absolutely reverse my earlier advice to talk with them about your own battle with addiction - yet. I agree, maybe when you've got two or more years beyond you, that might be a better time to talk this all over. For now, the most important thing to focus on is to keep on not drinking. And I also agree that it's crucial to know your motivation - the only reason to disclose this information is if you think it might have a chance to help them to avoid the same pitfalls we encountered. I happen to think that might be worth the risk of self-disclosure, but of course it's up to you to make that call.

I'm glad you asked. This has been a really useful discussion.

O