Camiecm

I am not completely sure how to use this, but, was really feeling like going to my first AlAnon meeting tonight. The closest ones for today had either already started, or tonight wasn't their newcomer night, and.....to be completely honest, I didn't want to travel too far away from home in case my son needed something. Hello, my name is Carrie and I am an enabler. And I am tired. So tired. I could type on here for hours, and hours. but, will try to keep it short. My son was top of his class in high school. Lettered in football. All of the teachers and kids loved him. He was in the gifted program as well. Scholarships to college....By his junior year in college, I was dragging him home as he was addicted to everything under the sun. He has now been 3 years clean of meth. The stories I could tell, the places I have been. Anyway, Im pretty sure his only crutch anymore is alcohol. And, man, does it have a hold on him. My thing is, after almost 5 years of giving up my own life to help him with his.......Im tired....Im getting into the selfish phase. Im getting to where I almost don't care if he ruins his life, because I just CANT. And what kind of mother does that make me? Literally if I had gone to an in-person meeting tonight, I would have cried and talked the entire time, and that isn't fair. My son drinks daily, it doesn't matter what time....if he is awake...he is drinking. He has gotten so many good jobs and messed them up. He is currently a black jack dealer at a casino, and makes much more money than I do. He has called in a few times in the few months he has been there. Today, he cut his hair, washed his clothes, and of course had some drinks. He was in good spirits about going to work an said he felt good. But, kept drinking. I spent my entire day worrying. Is he going to stop drinking in time to be sober for work? Is he going to just pretend to go to work, and end up at a bar in some bad part of town, buying every stranger in the bar a drink? Then calling me to pick him up in the middle of the night? Just for me to spend the rest of the night listening to him drunkenly cry about how bad his life is, and how he doesn't want to live? And, I can't understand or follow his words but, I can't fall asleep because Im worried he might hurt himself. So I stay up until he passes out. Is it going to be one of those nights? Yep, he called into work. Felt bad about it, called my sister because he was disappointed in himself and didn't want to come home because "Mom will just blame it on my drinking". My sister confirmed that, "yes, she probably would, and she would not be wrong". So, that is what I am doing. Sitting here feeling sorry for myself, wondering what kind of night alcoholism and addiction has in store for me. Rambling on here, and probably not making much sense. Rambling on here to strangers because, I have no life. What friends I have left Im sure don't want to hear it anymore. Especially when I should just let him fall and I should live my own life, but, I can't. It really is me that is part of the problem. It is getting to where I just want to run away, and maybe that would be best for him. He could learn to grow up and become accountable for his actions, pay his own bills, or he could end up dead, and I can't live with that. How do we do this. I don't see a way out. I think this Is my life from here on out. I think my life is just to sit here and deal with this. I am so sorry for rambling, and I hope this makes some kind of sense. I am actually normally quite a happy "glass full" kind of person. Not that you could tell from this. Thank you for reading.

Dee74

Hi and welcome camiecm

I don't think its selfish for you to want a less stressful life or for you to put yourself first. Having an addicted loved one is tough and it definitely will wear you down, tire you out and drive you to mental and physical exhaustion.

As hard as it is some time we need to make boundaries for ourselves.

I presume your son lives with you.
Maybe you set some ground rules....your house your rules, right?

If he rejects that, then maybe its time to give everything a rethink - if hes making more money than you he can move out.

I understand how worried you might be if that happened but you're worried now.
At least then you might get some respite from all this.

We may be strangers but we really do care - a lot of the people here have been through this exact scenario

I think AlAnon would be good for you. Feel free to visit our Friends and Family forums too.https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
You are not alone Camie
D

Hevyn

Hi Camiecm. You found a great place for understanding. It really helps to share these things - you never have to feel alone.

I was an enabler too (although I developed a drinking addiction myself). My first husband was a wonderful man who never faced the fact that alcohol was slowly taking his life. I know how frustrated you feel & how exhausting it is to keep trying to pick up the pieces. It never works, though. They will do what they do, regardless of all our pleading & trying to save them. I do think AlAnon would be a helpful thing. As Dee said, do try our Friends & Family Forum too.

At this point you really need to save your own life. I gave my heart & soul to my husband - and I know he loved me too - but nothing I did or said made a difference. He needed to admit what alcohol was doing to his life & to take action to save it. We can't do it for them.

Glad you are here.