Hodd

This might not go down well, but here goes.

The French Foreign Legion is meant to have one of the toughest new recruit programmes on Earth. Apparently, new recruits are broken down and then rebuilt into the mean fighting machines you see on TV. I was on a (drinking) holiday on the French island of Corsica ten years ago and saw some of those guys. You wouldn’t be picking fights in a hurry

What’s this got to do with anything? Well, I used to think I was some big shot, but I was just some overweight drunk with an ego and an attitude. Something clicked in the summer of 2017, and I started to realise I was an absolute nobody. I wasn’t happy with life at all and felt frankly useless. That was my being broken down moment. I don’t mean nervous breakdown, but I had a long hard think about what I’d become and what to do next. The rest is history, and I’ve bored everyone enough on here with the next part

That 2017 summer was when I let go of my ego. I don’t do AA, but I fully get the “submit to a higher power” ideology. In my case, this was throwing my ego in the trash. It doesn’t mean a thing if someone’s still drinking uncontrollably. Whilst I (or rather my ego) would’ve scoffed at the idea of quitting 100%, that summer my mind suddenly opened to the idea. I stopped arguing with myself and others, and for the first time in my life admitted I wasn’t all that great.

I think our egos are at times our worst enemy.

calmself

Excellent post and a great story, Hodd. Agree, ego is our worst enemy and alcohol for some reason stokes it. For example, all my headstrong conversations/behaviour happened when I was chugging beer.Used to feel so bad about them the next day - it was almost as if I want to pick up an argument to bring my ego out. No more, humility gives great success and sobriety keeps us humble.
You rock, Hodd!

Hodd

Careful, I don’t want my ego coming back I’m still not particularly great, but I’m way happier and even a bit nicer. You’re not doing too bad yourself, Calm 👍

I can imagine what GPs and counsellors must face when they’re trying to convince people to quit drinking. Some people seem to take it as an affront. Until that mindset changes, things will stay the same.

dustyfox

Thanks Hodd, it's true until the mindset changes nothing does.
What was it that 'clicked ' for you back in 2017 - Do you remember what it was that 'changed your mind, or opened your mind?
What is it I wonder that finally does change our mindset and why does it take so many years for some of us?

Hodd

Good question, dusty. I bang on enough about myself so I didn’t mention the catalyst above, but it’s relevant so …

I was supposed to meet an ex-girlfriend from overseas, but I always made excuses because I was frankly ashamed of the obese drunk I’d become. She’s done well in life, at least financially but more about that in a minute, and my perception of the differences between her life and mine led me to get all reflective that summer. She’ll never know it, but she was the one that unintentionally highlighted that I needed big changes. As an aside, we finally met when I’d slimmed right down, but by then I was happier with the new me, and interestingly whilst I saw her life was OK, I’d rather have mine.

But it took that gloomy spell in 2017, my broken down moment, to make me look at myself.

For a couple of years after, I felt guilty that an ex-girlfriend led me to change my ways. After all, I am married. But someone I spoke to put this in perspective. Loads of people slim down for school reunions, etc., so I was basically doing similar. I just kept that lifestyle going, and touch wood it continues. Not perfect, but I much prefer the 2022 me to the pre-2017 ego version.

lastorder

I remember in 80s one friend dieting to hell before going on their summer holidays, otherwise a fat bastard for the rest of the year.

Cantonian

Maybe we can post here about our own addictions without degrading others that have different addictions.

Hodd

I missed this gem first time, Calm. It’s brilliant.

If someone gets cancer, they fight and hopefully beat it. They’ve won.

If another person starts the couch to 5K programme and can only run 1km at first, they’ll try and try again and eventually get there.

If someone’s an alcoholic, they’ve lost. They need to swallow pride, ditch the ego and get some of that humility that Calm mentioned. Admitting that I wasn’t much of a person (I’m happier now) and that’d I’d lost the battle with alcohol was my Eureka moment.

Free2bme888

Cantonian, you missed the point of what lastorder and Hodd were saying, which is being motivated by something or someone other than ourselves. It lasted for Hodd, and apparently didn’t for the person lastorder was referring to.

Most everyone on here means well, only a few are outright mean.

And for those individuals I use the IGNORE feature on here. It works well.

You don’t see their posts at all, but you see their ‘thanks’.

Hodd

🙂 I got lastorder’s point too. We live in interesting times when I’ve found out I’m labelled as offensive when I say I used to be fat. Kids in school ask me how to describe overweight people without being told off, and I say I don’t really know.

Again, this is often a case of someone’s ego dragging them down. With a few medical exceptions, people are overweight because they eat too much, eat badly or do no exercise. Yet they’ll say they’ve tried to diet, they’re too busy to cook, etc., instead of stopping to really think what the problem is.

DriGuy

Some words carry more negativity and are more emotionally devastating than others. But fat is fat, no matter what you call it. If you don't want to offend an overweight person, it's probably best not to call attention to it. On the other hand, even if we trained society to believe that fat is beautiful (opinion), there still exists the problem that fat is unhealthy (fact).

I was the proverbial fat kid most of my school years. With the help of my mother, I went on a strict diet my junior year in high school. My motivation was mostly for cosmetic reasons. I lost 50 lbs, and there was an odd pay off. Girls started making efforts to win my attention, a situation that I was totally unprepared for due to lack of experience. I simply didn't know how to respond. I froze, and stayed frozen, even on repeated dates with the same girls. I got over it in college, but there was still a residual awkwardness involved.

Cosmetics aside, the most dramatic changes were in health and fitness, which was not my goal at all. I got good at basketball, and unlike relationships with girls, I handled this well. Rather than feeling awkward, I experienced surprise. Then I moved out west and took up skiing, and got good at that too. My longest life passion was hiking in the mountains.

I started drinking when I was 20, began to gain weight again, but I maintained my athletic activities for years, because the onset of my alcoholism and weight gain were slow processes, and the deterioration of my fitness was slow enough not to notice. But slow weight gain over many years, results in a big change. I dieted here and there, would lose 20 lbs and gain 25 a year later. I managed into my 70s, but never at peak performance. Last year at 77 years of age, and 25 years of sobriety, I was losing more fitness than I could accept. Before then, I just accepted it as just growing old, but something clicked, and that state of affairs became unacceptable.

Ten months ago, I got serious about my health, not so much cosmetics, although one cannot deny that the two are indeed closely related going hand in hand with each other. I lost 50 lbs and then hit that inevitable weight loss plateau. I did some reading on this and was told these usually last for 9 to12 weeks. This turned out to be 18 weeks for me, and just last week, I got my first indication that I was breaking through that floor, or the "set point" as the literature described it. I still have 15 lbs to lose to get to my ideal weight, but this is just from a table. I'll know my ideal weight for sure when I get there.

But just like quitting drinking, or that high school weight loss I went through, the outcome has been wildly dramatic and surprising. I took up weight lifting three months ago, and the increase in strength has made a big difference in my hiking. I told my doctor that everything about my life is better, and that I feel 15 years younger. He told me that many of his patients who have lost a lot of weight, experienced the same thing.

Whether over-weight is beautiful or not, it is not good for our health. This of course is not "news" to anyone paying attention to the experts in the medical community, yet I still experience surprise in how dramatic the effects of good health can be. Some of the things I learned in recovery about getting sober, I put to good use in weight loss. There is a carry-over and a similarity, but are not exactly the same. Like recovery, I wish I would have done this sooner.

Once again life keeps getting better, even at 78. I never expected that before. At on time, I never expected to even live that long.

Hodd

Wow, you’re certainly a fighter, DriGuy. That weight loss is impressive and then not being disheartened by such a lengthy plateau is above and beyond.

Maybe you’ve noticed this, Dri, but it’s something that society doesn’t allow me to talk about. The change in people’s attitude towards me now is on a different level from when I was my previous body shape. Because, like you, I lost the weight relatively quickly, the effect was even more noticeable. Whereas I’d be ignored or not taken seriously in certain situations, now I get treated way better. It’s not right, but it’s the way people act. It’s not good to be overweight as you know. It’s bad for your health. I never ever felt good in a t-shirt before - and forget about swimming.

It’s obviously not my business, but I refuse to accept overweight people are OK with it. They all want to be slim/slimmer but lack the confidence (or dare I use the ego argument again) to go for it. I get annoyed when people now say it’s OK for me as I’m slim. Yes, because I had that low spell in 2017 and threw my ego in the trash.

DriGuy

Yes, I've noticed this. People, not all, but probably a majority react differently to people who are overweight. I don't think it's out of meanness, but it is a sort of unconscious prejudice. I think your observation about "not taken seriously" is an outstanding perception, and you correctly qualified that by "in certain situations." I would agree that it's not right, but it is what it is.

Weight issues in society are a complicated dynamic, maybe more so than alcoholism. And dealing with weight issues personally is probably harder than dealing with alcoholism. It was for me. For one thing, the universal application of the golden cure of cold turkey and permanent abstinence don't work in diet. You have to eat from time to time, and on a daily basis, that in addition to the vast array of head games we play in both diet and alcoholism.

I don't know how big a role ego and confidence played in my dieting. I never gave it much thought. Similar to my alcoholism, I just seemed to come to a place where I got serious about the issue. I'm still not sure how that came about. Where did that commitment come from? I'm not sure. It was like one day I just recognized it when it showed up.

Pekelover2

Hodd, thank you for sharing your story. It’s interesting how to learn ego plays a part in our alcoholism as well as our recovery.
driguy, thanks for explaining your story to us. I’ve had issues with an eating disorder as well as alcohol. Both are tough to deal with.

Hodd

Thanks, Peke. You’re showing that you’re stronger than any of us.

It’s just my theory. My idea of ego isn’t so much the stereotypical loud or boastful, but to not admit weaknesses. I used to say I needed to drink to relax, and that’s clearly poppycock. People who don’t drink manage to relax OK. In my case, a few gloomy weeks in 2017 taught me humble is best.

Hope your bad spell ends soon, but you’ve done amazingly not to drink. Give it your best, and keep it up

Free2bme888

Wow, good posts here. I’ve always been a slender lady, and I weight the same as I did in high school. Turning 60 soon.

I didn’t realize how some heavier people were mean or jealous of me, and when I brought it up to a therapist, she said, ‘of course they are’.

My husband is a big man, and I like him that way. What matters is if HE likes it that way. I bet he doesn’t. He also has mentioned that he doesn’t want to ‘diet’. Sometimes he eats a whole pint of ice cream, but I do t say anything. He needs that ‘aha’ moment on his own, and like those of us who WANT to make lifestyle changes, that’s the key.

WANT it more then NEED to or HAVE to.

Thanks Dri, for the wonderful post response

dustyfox

Very interesting discussion about weight. I too am fairly slender and have a husband , who is, well, overweight.

He can moderate drinking but struggles with food - of course he wants to be slimmer, or course he does. But he can't do it. I
don't know he hasn't that moment of 'aha' , the lightbulb moment,
I have given him all the facts about obesity, diabetes, heart disease,....you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink...

In my case what made me stop drinking was the thought one morning, at 3am as my heart pounded, that my children might find me dead, and that every good or thoughtful thing I had ever done would be over shadowed by the scandal of my family and friends knowing about my drinking and that would be all my children ever thought about me. I could not do that to them.

Hodd

^ Interesting, dusty. It helps show that drinking and overeating aren’t necessarily connected. In your husband’s case, as well as the health benefits, the difference in confidence and happiness once the weight comes off is difficult to convey. I reckon I’m still a compulsive eater, but the urge to eat is minuscule compared to that of an drinker’s crave for alcohol. I can manage it fairly OK by not having snacks/desserts in the house and having a knowledge of the calories I’m eating. If I had any more than 2500 calories a day for a few weeks or so, I’d start putting the weight back on. Portion control is also a good tool. Ice cream’s fine, but a couple of scoops savoured sounds much nicer than a pint, which would be around 1000 calories

MrPL

Great insight Hood.

As easy as it sounds it is very rare that people get to have a truly honest look at themselves, don’t like what they see, decide to do something about it and have the perseverance to stick to it.

It’s a no brainier if you think about it, why wouldn’t we always go for the best version of ourselves? It’s not however, so well done for doing it, I had a similar experience and It has been truly life changing.

I think from this perspective alcohol and weight issues are similar, it does scare me that society seems to encourage both.

Hodd

Hi PL, I was speaking to a friend today who doesn’t drink thankfully, but they have lifestyle diabetes 2 from weight gain (they gained 50% of their body weight over the years I’ve known them!) and consuming fizzy drinks. I’ve told them to do a food diary and I’ll help. I’m not even remotely trained in medical dietary matters or similar, but I do know about dieting from experience. Again, this person comes up with excuses when they need to admit they have a sugar addiction (which I’m now seeing is a genuine problem). They actually agreed their ego is hampering them. I’ll do my best to help as this is a very old friend who now has to inject insulin as a result of diabetes. I’ve no idea if this is reversible, but it’s worth a try. But can I help with the ego?