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Join Date: Feb 2022
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Hey I’m new on here. My partner of 6 years has issues with alcohol. I have dealt with it up until last week. We had a frank discussion and I am sleeping in a different room. He wants me to promise that I will be there for him at the end.. he is due to start cutting down this week. I really don’t know how I feel right now. I have just started a new job and I feel that if I don’t promise then he won’t do it.
I have encouraged him to get help from the gp but he insists that he can do it just by using an app.
i can’t stop thinking about all the issues that we have had in the past including the fact that last September, he preferred to get home from work to drink whilst I was looking after my mum in her home in her end of life care. There was no support from him and he had the chance to be there with me at times and the alcohol won. I’ve explained all of this to him and he says that he is sorry. I really don’t know what to do.!I want him to get better but I can not invest myself.
Any comments/advice will be truly appreciated.
I have encouraged him to get help from the gp but he insists that he can do it just by using an app.
i can’t stop thinking about all the issues that we have had in the past including the fact that last September, he preferred to get home from work to drink whilst I was looking after my mum in her home in her end of life care. There was no support from him and he had the chance to be there with me at times and the alcohol won. I’ve explained all of this to him and he says that he is sorry. I really don’t know what to do.!I want him to get better but I can not invest myself.
Any comments/advice will be truly appreciated.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Hi and Welcome KP 
Alcoholics make a lot of promises but in the end its action that counts. I really hope you see real permanent signs of change once this 'cutting down' process starts.
If you do not, then you have a difficult decision to make - but you will find support here, and in our Family and Friends forums too
D
Alcoholics make a lot of promises but in the end its action that counts. I really hope you see real permanent signs of change once this 'cutting down' process starts.
If you do not, then you have a difficult decision to make - but you will find support here, and in our Family and Friends forums too
D
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Sorry for what brings you here.
I will continue to take day by day. With no expectations. 😞 Continuing day by day doesn't seem like much of a plan. Say he fails to stop and continues to drink. Will you continue to bargain with him? As hard as it is to think about, perhaps you should be planning on the eventuality of leaving him. You are the only person you have control over. So, you should be looking after your own well being.
Originally Posted by Kp28 
I will continue to take day by day. With no expectations. 😞
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Your husband is a newbie too. He has not yet committed to quitting. Cutting down is a pre-recovery strategy that most alcoholics try. I have known none where this has helped, but I sense that pointing this out to him would fall on deaf ears at best, and cause deep resentments and be counter productive at worst.
This is a sad story. I wish I could tell you what to do, but this is up to your husband. Your desires, needs to help, and encouragements are understandable, but until HE wants to quit, prospects for a happy resolve are quite dim.
This is a sad story. I wish I could tell you what to do, but this is up to your husband. Your desires, needs to help, and encouragements are understandable, but until HE wants to quit, prospects for a happy resolve are quite dim.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Kp28. I'm sorry you are in that tough spot.
My only advice is to achieve and maintain some sort of separation from him. You moving into another room doesn't really do it. Sort of like switching bunks on the Titanic as it sinks.
I hope you can get to a place where you can keep backing away if things get worse. But I really do hope things get better for him. He is the only one that can get on top of this thing and as much as it pains me to say it, promises from you won't make a damn bit of difference.
You deserve peace and quiet and a calm life.
My only advice is to achieve and maintain some sort of separation from him. You moving into another room doesn't really do it. Sort of like switching bunks on the Titanic as it sinks.
I hope you can get to a place where you can keep backing away if things get worse. But I really do hope things get better for him. He is the only one that can get on top of this thing and as much as it pains me to say it, promises from you won't make a damn bit of difference.
You deserve peace and quiet and a calm life.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
There is nothing that you can do to change the alcoholism. You can decide what is acceptable and unacceptable for your life and then move forward in that direction. People with substance abuse issues have a real hard time seeing, knowing, and embracing that they have an issue. We try every single way imaginable to continue on with using even though it is destructive. Your partner will need to come to his/ her own conclusion and change for themselves.
I am sorry for your struggle and I do empathize completely. I hope you stick around and gather as much information for yourself as possible.
I am sorry for your struggle and I do empathize completely. I hope you stick around and gather as much information for yourself as possible.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,514
I'm sorry for your situation. Unfortunately, cutting back on drinking almost never works for alcoholics. I'm not sure your partner is ready to stop drinking for good. I hope you can find some peace.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by Surrendered19
You moving into another room doesn't really do it. Sort of like switching bunks on the Titanic as it sinks.
Edit: KP, just to make sure you don't take this the wrong way, you are welcome here.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome! Alcoholics don't generally quit drinking until there are serious consequences. Why would they? They like to drink and avoid responsibilities.Your staying there with your BF, while scolding him will do nothing to change his behavior. Not to mention that even when he does quit he will likely remain a selfish *****unless he truly gets into a program of recovery, which is a long-term process, that is not found in a phone app. And making his recovery dependent on you is ridiculous. Tell him to man up and solve his own problem and you look out for your own best interests.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,574
Hi, KP - I'm so glad you found us . This is a wonderful place for encouragement & support as you decide how to deal with the situation.
As an alcoholic, there was no cutting down for me - except in the end when I was getting ready to quit for good. Every attempt at moderating how much I drank failed. I'd have the best of intentiions, but once that first drink hit me my resolve flew away. The idea of stopping all together is frightening when it's been part of our lives for so long. It's the only way, though. After an adjustment period it's a wonderful feeling to be free.
Glad you are here - welcome!
As an alcoholic, there was no cutting down for me - except in the end when I was getting ready to quit for good. Every attempt at moderating how much I drank failed. I'd have the best of intentiions, but once that first drink hit me my resolve flew away. The idea of stopping all together is frightening when it's been part of our lives for so long. It's the only way, though. After an adjustment period it's a wonderful feeling to be free.
Glad you are here - welcome!
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
No matter what you say or do or 'promise', his chances of getting sober are entirely up to him. You have nothing to do with it. If he wants to get sober, he will, whether you're there or not.
I was the alcoholic in my family and no matter what my kids said or did, I kept on drinking until I wanted to quit for myself.
To save yourself, and your sanity, it might be best to leave him. The only person you can change is yourself.
I was the alcoholic in my family and no matter what my kids said or did, I kept on drinking until I wanted to quit for myself.
To save yourself, and your sanity, it might be best to leave him. The only person you can change is yourself.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2021
Posts: 11
Hello KP-
Drinking is a little different than recreational drugs in that it is legal to buy and consume so people seem to justify their actions for too long and then its too late. I didn't struggle with alcohol but someone mentioned earlier in the thread that he hasn't yet committed through action, only with words. And although that may be true, his actions going forward will determine what happens with your relationship. You have stated to him what your stance is and now its his turn to do the right thing. I must say that it is much easier said than done but it definitely can be done. The first thing he will need to do is want to quit, if he doesn't then this is going to be fruitless. If he does, then he will need you to be there when it gets rough and it sounds like you will be and that it is important. This is too common a struggle these days in relationships and unfortunately many times Satan will get the best of the situation, but there is a God and he is greater than all of our problems. He is willing to help if we just ask! Im guilty of not asking at times too thinking that i can figure it out on my own....but humility is a much greater virtue than pride ever will be and that is the thing that gets in our way. Just tell him that you love him and that you will be there for him, but your not a fool and wont be treated like one. Let him show you that he is serious and then show him that you are as well. Together you both can become stronger than you ever were before and much happier in the end. Best of luck and God bless.
Drinking is a little different than recreational drugs in that it is legal to buy and consume so people seem to justify their actions for too long and then its too late. I didn't struggle with alcohol but someone mentioned earlier in the thread that he hasn't yet committed through action, only with words. And although that may be true, his actions going forward will determine what happens with your relationship. You have stated to him what your stance is and now its his turn to do the right thing. I must say that it is much easier said than done but it definitely can be done. The first thing he will need to do is want to quit, if he doesn't then this is going to be fruitless. If he does, then he will need you to be there when it gets rough and it sounds like you will be and that it is important. This is too common a struggle these days in relationships and unfortunately many times Satan will get the best of the situation, but there is a God and he is greater than all of our problems. He is willing to help if we just ask! Im guilty of not asking at times too thinking that i can figure it out on my own....but humility is a much greater virtue than pride ever will be and that is the thing that gets in our way. Just tell him that you love him and that you will be there for him, but your not a fool and wont be treated like one. Let him show you that he is serious and then show him that you are as well. Together you both can become stronger than you ever were before and much happier in the end. Best of luck and God bless.
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
KP, I suggest you post your original post in the Friends and Family of Alcoholics forum. The people there have gone thru similar situations and can advise you of their experiences.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I see you've posted there. They can help and advise you.
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...ly-alcoholics/
I see you've posted there. They can help and advise you.
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