CheeseLover

Hi everyone,

I’m new here and was really hoping you could help. I have separate friends dotted all over my town and when I meet each of them we always drink together. Whenever I’ve tried to stop before, they’ll always say, ‘oh just have one. One won’t hurt’ and I stupidly always have one. Does anyone have any advice of what to do or say in this situation. I love my friends to bits and don’t want to not see them, but I find it really hard to constantly say I just don’t want a bloody drink!

Thank you so much guys. 🥰

tornrealization

Avoid drinking situations with your friends. In early recovery I had to decline invites. That’s is the advice I got on the boards years before I did get sober. It took me awhile to follow it. You can see if your friends would do non drinking activities. I went to lunches instead of dinners or bars. Suggest hiking.

Mizz

Getting sober and remaining sober means we make sobriety the number one goal in our lives. Initially it is saying "No, I can't have one" and moving forward with that resolve. It is coming up with other solutions. It may mean staying away from our friends if the pressure to drink is there. We can't cave and say "tomorrow" or even entertain the idea that having "one" is okay. Tomorrow never comes. We have today to get things right.

I do not hang out and drink with people. I do not go places if I think there will be pressure. I do not have to explain myself to anyone. "No" is a complete sentence. Stay strong in your resolve. You can change your life one day at a time.

Surrendered19

Hi CheeseLover. If you want to stay sober, some of those relationships will inevitably change, some will fade away, and the ones that were real two-way relationships all along will thrive and become stronger. I had to take a really hard look at all of my relationships when I quit a few years back and the ones that were built on drinking together and nothing else quickly disappeared. I was dreading that part of sobriety, but it was a surprising relief.

Regardless of the situation, the occasion, or who is involved, it is really key to a sober healthy life to not put yourself in situations that are built around drinking. I had to stay away from all of those situations for a solid year. Now, I can attend things that include drinking but I always have a plan to stay sober. And straight up drinking occasions - I just don't go. Boring anyway.

You'll find your way through all of that. If a nag-headed bumbler like me can do it, so can you.

One thing you will be surprised about is how the vast majority of people you are around simply won't know or care what you are drinking or not drinking. I was also pleasantly surprised by that too.

CheeseLover

Thank you so much. I’m going to have to seriously make myself a priority. I need to come first.

Thank you for responding 🥰

novips

One of the things I was told is that I'd gain clarity in recovery. I define clarity as being able to distinguish what's my business from what's your business and what's God's business. When someone asks me to have a drink with them, it's my business to politely decline -- keeping in mind that I don't owe anyone an explanation for why. As they say, "No, thank you" is a complete sentence. If they keep badgering me, that's their problem -- not mine. If their badgering makes me uncomfortable, that's my problem and I'll promptly excuse myself from the situation if I'm starting to get squirrelly. My sobriety has to be my top priority because without it all else is lost. I'd like to keep all my friends. But if it comes down to a choice between them and my sobriety -- then I'll look forward to making new friends who respect my decision not to drink.

nez

If your friends love you to bits, they will be fine with a simple "No thanks" answer to an offer of a drink.

People who say things like "Oh just have one" or "One won’t hurt" fall into the category of acquaintances, not friends, because they don't have your best interest at heart. Friends wouldn't insist on pushing you into destructive behavior.

People that say things like "Oh just have one" or "One won’t hurt" are looking for justification for their own behavior. I absolute love bacon. Bacon makes everything better. It gets no better than bacon. I am comfortable with my decisions about eating bacon and never feel the need to push other people into eating bacon.

Do you love yourself enough to say "No thanks"?

CheeseLover

Thank you so much. This is brilliant. ☺️

D122y

I do me. They can do them. We reap what we sow.

So called normies and active addicts, they are the same to me with varying degrees of addiction, either have no idea what they/you are dealing with or are still in denial. I can relate.

Some never make it out and mess up, hurt themselves, or worse sooner or later. Some make it to a ripe old age, but booze will take a toll. My boss lost his mind a work Friday. I saw his addiction shining through. Booze makes folks insane.

I have friends and so called friends. All of them are capable of accepting me as a non drinker.

I say stuff like...I quit drinking and have never felt so good. I love being stone sober. Folks can think what they want, I can't control it. If they make the mistake of saying something offensive in my presence, I get to decide to let it go or kick them in the jimmy. Up to me.

Some folks think of me as non confrontational. I prefer taking the high road and acting like a mature adult. Just because I don't tell someone what I really think doesn't make me a coward. It makes me clever. I am happier letting folks get away with stuff than arguing with them. I don't obsess as much about it afterwards.

Love always.

Thanks.

ScottFromWI

Welcome to SR and congrats on making the decision to quit, you will never regret it.

I notice you used quotes around "friends" in your subject line. I think that's quite appropriate, and for me personally there were many who I considered as my friends that were really just drinking buddies. Once alcohol was removed from the situation we really had nothing in common anymore. I certainly still keep in touch with many of the people I used to drink with, but only ones that I had other common interests with ( work, school, church, hobbies, etc ).

As alcoholics, most of us also live in a very narrowly focused tunnel where the only things worth doing are those that involve alcohol. And when you remove the booze, our minds still stay stuck in that tunnel. There are literally millions of things "to do" with our lives, we just need to seek them out. And when we do we find that there was a whole lot that we were missing out on. Our addiction would have us think that we are missing out by not drinking, but in reality the exact opposite is true.

MrPL

Hi cheeselover,

I think it s possible to still maintain your friends. I found that the best answer to give is “I don’t want one”. This is hard to argue against and different to saying “I can’t” or “I’m not drinking today”.

if they ask why just say you haven’t had one in a while and you feel good about it, also hard to argue against.

Of course, if you think you could be convinced to drink then by all means stay home, this are just tips if you do decide you are in the right mind frame to go.

CheeseLover

Thank you so so much for all of your replies. It’s been just the boost I needed. You’re all wonderful 🥰

Anna

Yeah, don't think that you must give an explanation beyond ' No thanks'. Can you make a suggestion to meet up for coffee?

And, early recovery is a time of tough decisions. I had to stay away from people drinking alcohol for many months before I felt comfortable.

Evoo

In my experience, when someone pushes others to drink more, it's because sobriety shines an uncomfortable light on their own problem drinking. These days - I just see a walking, talking addiction voice in physical form. People who can drink without issue don't seem to care whether I drink or not.

I'm sure there are some exceptions, but often where I see pressure to drink, I see an alcoholic active in their addiction. You've got your own AV to worry about - don't let yourself get drawn into someone else's!

nez

In early recovery I remember a guy telling me (smiling and laughing while doing so) "The good news: we are your new best friends. The bad news: we are your new best friends."

FreddyGeorge

I think you’ll find out who your friends are if you suggest alternative non drinking events. A lot of my ‘friends’ if I really look closely at it the only common interest is drink.

Smegasaur

Hi 🧀❤️
I asked this question a couple days ago, everyone one said the same really, just a avoid the pub environment altogether and just tell your friends the truth about your drinking and if their any kind of real friends they will understand.

Smegasaur

Hi 🧀❤️
I asked this question a couple days ago, everyone one said the same really, just a avoid the pub environment altogether and just tell your friends the truth about your drinking and if their any kind of real friends they will understand.

Hodd

I’m no oil painting 😆 but when I meet my drinking friends now, I can see how tired and unhealthy they’re looking. No schadenfreude on my part. I wish they’d cut down (they’re not dependent on alcohol like I was) and get some healthy habits.

We’ll all be healthier with sobriety, and although we might not notice, we’ll look better too. Our drinking friends will certainly notice.