Leominster32907

I found this chatroom a while ago and have been reading a lot. I did not want to post, but feel I really need some support right now. My best friend runs a local bar, where I play pool weekly and have for a few years. We planned a New Years Eve party back in July, having a 20's themed celebration.

I started dating a guy in November 2016, who had addiction issues, that were far worse than I knew. In February of 2017, 3 months later, his 17 year old son committed suicide, after being on 4 days of withdrawal from Meth. His death destroyed my boyfriend. He went into a deep, dark place, to the point that I kicked him out in November 2018, although we went back and forth for almost a year afterward. Finally, August 2019, we were completely done.

We stayed in touch over the past two years during his addiction. We talked on the phone and text constantly during that time. August 30, 2021, he basically fell off the face of the earth, which scared me really bad. I reached out to his sister, and his close friend, and we worked together to find him and try to get him help. He disappeared for a few days after being in detox a couple times, before entering himself, on his own, into rehab.

October 1, 2021 was day one. Today, he reached the milestone of 90 days. He has left the rehab that he was in, is currently staying with a friend from AA, currently #2 on the waitlist for a new rehab. We have been in touch since mid October, constantly, other than a few weeks in November where I didn't speak to him, because I am scared to repeat history.

Yesterday, he asked me if I have plans for New Years, in which I do, the NYE party that we planned back in July. He lost his mind, stating I am wrong for wanting to go to the party, in which I spent money on. He actually ended the conversation by stating he would never speak to me again, blocking me on all social media, phone, email, everything.

Tonight, he called me, out of the blue. He actually said he called me without thinking, to tell me about something positive that had happened. First phone call, first person he wanted to tell, was me. The conversation led into NYE and yesterday's conversation. He got angry again, telling me how wrong I am for wanting to go to a party, that is insignificant compared to his recovery. He stated I should be there with him, and is in shock that I would even consider going to the party, because he is in recovery.

I set my boundaries about my needs, my wants, putting myself first instead of last. I never imagined that this would be this major of an issue. Am I wrong? Is standing my ground on my boundaries too strict? I really feel so lost, so confused right now. I am so afraid to fall back into the same situation as before. I read a lot last night of my sesh book, trying to find answers, and I just cannot see his point of view.

decchemist

My gut reaction after reading you message is that this man is trying to control you. You should go to your party and have no reason to feel guilty about that.

Obladi

You are even remotely wrong, and it is concerning that his perspective seems to be more important than yours, even to you.

Your instinct to avoid getting sucked back in is a good one - listen to that one.

Khorhey

He needs to control his own addiction and recovery. You need to live your life, not be a slave to his addiction.

Triggered

It seems to me that for every healthy, self preserving boundary that those in relationships with addicts have, the addict (or their AV) will have a strategy to take it down if it interferes with their mindset. If this guy was even remotely on the right path he would respect your boundaries (ie. not being told what to do with your time). It seems he has a lot of work to do until he gets to that place.

DriGuy

What is "too strict" is a personal judgement, BUT IT'S YOUR PERSONAL JUDGEMENT. This was my choice too. Whether it was too strict or not, this kind of selfish self-centeredness worked for me, and I'd to it again in a heartbeat. I could tell you a personal story similar to yours, but I won't. We can negotiate on a lot of things, but some things are non-starters.

advbike

He is in early days and needs to stay sober and avoid triggering situations, but that is HIS priority, not yours. You are not a couple anymore, despite your trying to be a friend and support him. Do not get sucked into his drama and issues. Stick to your boundaries. Enjoy your party.

KAD65

The fact that you are questioning yourself indicates that this guy's manipulations are affecting you. Please don't let them. It sounds like he is still pretty new to recovery and apparently has quite a long way to go in terms of respecting other people's boundaries. It also sounds like he's given to emotional outbursts, which is a giant, waving red flag.

Free2bme888

Go to your party, and your part in this is that you are still in contact with him.

Bad things happen to good people, and I’m sorry about his son, That could very well have been me losing my daughter to meth (she’s still alive tho).

Its like your co dependence, and maybe what’s best for you is no contact. Enjoy the party and live on. You deserve a partner.

Surrendered19

His behavior is one big, huge, red flag Leominster. Run the other way. Do your NYE as planned and don't give him the time of day until he apologizes for being so insecure, controlling, manipulative, etc. Frankly, he's acting like he is still using. The impulsivity, the meanness, the flip-flopping. All telltale signs of a person whose judgment is highly compromised.

DriGuy

Yes, ^this. In early recovery people need support, but making demands on others to basically hold your hand or be at your beckoned call is not healthy. It almost sounds like co-dependence, and that's seldom in the best interests of either party.

Steely

Go to the party you had planned and have a great time, Leominster. He's being a prat.

CelticZebra

I agree with the other posters, he is waving big red flags at you.
i hope you go to the party you have been planning and enjoy New Years Eve on your terms

Mizz

You can remind him that its not his business what you choose to do with your life. He just needs a slight redirection onto his own lane. Remind him of that as well.

Cityboy

Leominster, I think that I would ask myself two things. Do I really want another five years of this type of energy in my life. What is the realistic chance of this person turning his life around and being the kind of person that I need in my life.