MaxVano

Hello all,

I have been so busy with my life and craziness going on, I forgot how many days it has been since I drank the poison. I had my last drink on May 31, 2021. I have not really felt great since I quit, as I have cirrhosis of the liver from all the years of abuse. My liver is mostly unchanged for over a year, however, I had been feeling really badly the last few months, mostly lethargy, headaches from HELL, muscle cramps and spasms like charlie-horses in my legs, hips, arms hands, feet, etc., that hurt so bad that one night I almost passed out from the pain. The recurring edema (swelling) in my feet, ankles, and calves is quite painful some days. I'm on two diuretics, furosemide and spironolactone -don't care if I spelled them correctly. My sleep is still pretty bad and I have nocturia (lots of urination at night) pretty much every hour on the hour, sometimes every two hours. It's zombieland some days due to lack of sleep.

So, the cancer test came back negative, the Doc will check it yearly unless I have sudden health changes for the worse. I am not going to lie, I was really scared, liver cancer would be a death sentence, and a painful one at that. Thank God the test was negative, a weight off of my soul. I do have a new job which is mostly good, I earned a new credential, if you will, for my work that is very marketable, which is also good, but the job is turning out to be a J.O.B. -just over broke, lots of names to insert here. I took a huge pay cut from doing what I do as a contractor to take a full time position, so the trade-offs are to be expected. My marriage is in the Sh*tter, has been for a long time, pretty much figure that it will end in a divorce sooner or later. My relationship with my wonderful children is the best it has ever been which I the thing about my life that I appreciate the most. They give me some kind of strength that I didn't know I had.

I had hoped that that I would feel a lot better by now, but I have to face the facts that I drank for 30 years, the last 20 were heavy and the last 10 were more and the last 5 are a hung-over blur. Quite frankly, I don't know how I worked and was successful at what I do when I was sloshed all the time. One thing I really appreciate is not waking up and going to work hung over every single day after day after day... Although, I still wake up feeling like I've been hit by a truck most days. With that said, I know that my body is still trying to heal and the body can be amazing that way. One of my friends who is a Hepatologist told me that a few of his patients were in really bad shape, worse than me, but after two years of no alcohol and living and eating healthier, he looks at them today and could never tell they have cirrhosis. I am still hoping that could be me. It's not quite 6 months yet, so I keep hoping. I really need to get the weight off, 100 pounds, preferably 120, but I am really enjoying food as my comfort. I know it's not good to palliate oneself with food, but I still do.

Sorry guys, I have a ton to be grateful for and I wasn't really sure I could go this long with out alcohol, but I have and I think just will keep going. Truth is, in spite of the being closer to my kids, the new job, I'm pretty depressed more often than not. I feel that it's my marriage that making me so sick inside, or more accurately, I am allowing my situation to dictate my happiness.

I did want to post and update the group about the cancer scare and also to check in. I sincerely believe that I could not have made it without this forum and discovering the book: Alcohol Explained, by William Porter. That book really helped me turn the corner and truly understand what I was doing to myself.

I hope that in spite of my down mood, that at least someone here could be inspired to quit drinking. Please believe me, you really don't want cirrhosis of the liver, you really don't. It sucks and I did it to myself, which sucks even more. Read that book if you can. I do know that my body is working better than it was, and my life is worth living, I believe that I need to take more steps to get even more control of my life to be happier, like I once was, before alcohol controlled me.

I wish that I could connect with the member who keeps messaging me but his email is blanked out in parts like this: john******doe@*****.*** not matter how many times he sends it. Maybe that's a forum security measure, who knows. I wish I had someone like me who understands this mess that I can talk to. Heck, I didn't even tell my wife that I had been tested for cancer, I really sweated that one out alone, except of course for the long-distance support of my brothers and sisters here.

Thanks guys, I do love you all. As strange as that may sound or seem.

Be well,
Max

BullDog777

I have to get checked every year for liver cancer too. I just had mine done along with the metric F-ton of labs that come with my recovery. I've got cirrhosis too. And esophageal varacies.

There is some good news though....Almost 6 years into recovery, my liver tests remain normal. My varacies are improving and you only run about a 3% chance of getting liver cancer. So there's a 97% chance you won't get it.

I've lost 100 pounds in recovery. You sound so much like I did when I started this journey, I had to respond. These days will get easier. These worries subside the longer you do the right things and we're always here for you.

I'm a grinder. Every good thing I've gotten in recovery is because I put in the work. I refused to quit. Inch by inch, I turn everything into a challenge and there's no quit in me. This world is gonna have to kill me to take my sobriety. The first few weeks, I really didn't know if I could do this. Now....I'm strong because of the people here, and the work I've put in.

I feel so incredibly blessed. I have peace now like I've never had. Ever.
Hang in there bud. It WILL get easier.
Hit me up if you ever want to talk. I'm a night owl. Or a vampire-What's sleep again??? LOL

Be well my friend-
J

Dee74

I'm glad the news was good Max - that's a great bit of news

Its an anti spam measure.

You can converse via Private Message - they really are private.

I also see you have email messages set up on your profile.

'John Doe' can go to your profile page, select the 'social profiles' tab - and send you an email that way.

You'll see his email address. He won't know what your email address is...until of course you email back.

D

Khorhey

Thank you for sharing that. I hope things get better for you. Always thought once it got to that stage it was pretty much over. But sharing will help people like me stop before it gets to that point. My liver is in bad shape fatty with some fibrosis but I’m trying to turn the corner before it gets too bad.

Thanks again for posting.

Robbie64

Thanks for your post MaxVano. It's good to read that you got a negative cancer test result. I'm sorry to read that you still have a lot of ongoing health problems though and frequently needing to urinate during the night sounds exhausting. I hope some things can improve for you in time. Take care.

fishkiller

Good news and Good Work max!

I hope your health improves. I'm sure it will soon enough.

Hawkeye13

Thank you for the update and I am very glad the William Porter book has been so helpful.

Six months is fantastic progress, and yet still early days in body recovery. I think it is very possible that you will recover physically so much more as time goes on. As you said, the body is remarkable in self-healing with support.

When we quit drinking, lots of emotional baggage we have stuffed tends to surface for processing and release. Sounds like your marriage dynamic may be part of this? Some targeted therapy for yourself might be really helpful in all areas (physical, mental, emotional) and give you some new, healthy tools to manage difficult situations.

Best to you Max

izzy1962

Great News!

Zebra1275

Good News!

least

Glad to hear the good news.

advbike

Max, I am thrilled to hear of your sobriety and good test results. Try to let go of the anxiety and worry, as the stress of it can eat us up. I have found that I often am carrying a lot of low-level anxiety that wears on me over time. I am codependent, so it is often based in worry for others, but I also get health concerns too. Exercise is what saves me - it reduces my anxiety and helps me to sleep better, which in turn reduces anxiety further. Lack of sleep is a huge cause of anxiety.

Wishing you the best, Max - with your health and your marriage. You have a great attitude and I believe if you stick with your sobriety these other issues will sort themselves out. You are an inspiration!

MaxVano

Thanks everyone! Thanks so much. I know that there many people here and out there in the world that have things much worse than I do. I try to remember that. Appreciation has gotten me through a lot these days. One thing that is so very nice that I mentioned before, is on the days when I don't feel bad when I wake up, when I'm up and getting ready for work and then the commute and then I'm there and at my desk, I sometimes realize and say to myself, "hey! I'm not hung over." It's somewhat of an epiphany. That in and of itself is pretty nice. It gives me pause to think that for so many years, that everything I did, from work, to going to school at night, to first dates, to going out and meeting friends, attending family events, I was hung over! I reached a point where I was sad about being hung over all the time and knew that I was doing it to myself, but I had accepted that it is the way it would be, and in quiet desperation, I continued on.

In spite of the maladies I do have, I still feel better overall, and I never really imagined I could this long without an alcohol hang over; it's a different life for sure.

Thanks again everyone.
Max

MaxVano

I am so sorry to hear about your liver. I have steatosis (fatty liver), the highest grade that the docs can measure. I had a fibrogram back in 2019 and my friend who's the liver Doc said that I needed to lose weight asap. I am not sure what to tell you. Please read the book: Alcohol Explained, I have the Audible edition and listened to it every night while lying in bed waiting to pass out before I finally made the decision to quit. I used to say to myself that quitting is a decision away, so it is, but it's the commitment to the decision that makes the difference. I probably quit over a hundred times, but it wasn't until I was ready to commit that made it happen. I suppose fear of dying a long miserable death, and cirrhotics do that, I've seen it up close in personal, working in the medical field. Cirrhotics are some of the sickest people you can see when they are in the end stages. They are unripened banana colored, their eyes are an awful yellow and red. Their lower extremities swell up and look alien. They have ascites, fluild building up in the peritoneum, so much so that their bellies swell up to be huge. They are in terrible pain, their blood doesn't clot, the liver quits making the protein that the body needs. They have transfusions of blood that can be very painful. The list goes on and on and on. They live out their last days either completely doped up with the good stuff, like dilaudid (hydromorphone, a synthetic opiod) and more, or they are in intolerable pain until enough of their systems shut down and they die. That sort of reality had to sink it with me, even though I had seen it, I still drank. What an idiot I was! I'm not saying you are or anyone else is, just talking me here. When I finally reached month or so out, my hepatologist told me that I had used up 8 of my 9 lives and I had better stick with it or go down that path.

Sorry for the tortuous ramble, but may it would help you turn the corner as they say. Maybe you know all this and are like me, where you just haven't committed yet. I hope you will.

My Grandfather use to say: "The difficult is easy. The impossible takes a little longer."

Yours in struggle, yours in victory,
Max

Anna

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