1stepup

Hi all, I'm struggling so much, every day I wake up and think that's it I need to stay sober, by 2pm I'm desperate for a drink as I know it's the only way to take the fear, anxiety and edginess away and then I'm back in the vicious circle. I started a university degree last year and did well after staying sober for the majority of it, since early September though- after 2 months sobriety I relapsed through fear of failure etc. I'm a mature student and felt so self conscious of being older and different there that I turned back to booze for confidence, it's got a grip since and drinking every day to escape my fear of failure- even though I know the drinking is destroying my chances of achievement. It's my 41st birthday tomorrow, and I desperately need to and want to stop- managed to limit myself today but I can already feel the fear of withdrawal awaiting me. I start back in uni on Monday and want to be sober for that. I aim to go to an AA meeting tomorrow night but I know its going to be hell trying to stay dry for that... I'm scared.

dustyfox

Wow. Amazing or going back to study. Now just believe in yourself. Or if you cant - believe people here, who will tell you it's possible to stop - it is possible and you can do it. Only 41. I wish I had stopped at 41!

1stepup

Thank you, it's such a horrible place mentally to be in- knowing deep down that the very thing that is easing my worry and anxiety is destroying me physically, mentally and my university course. I'm gona eat tonight, determined not to buy anymore booze and hope that I can get through tomorrow sober, its sooo frustrating!

Hawkeye13

The anxiety and insomnia will improve quite a bit by Monday if you can just not drink. Most acute cravings last less than 20 minutes, so distract yourself by having a walk or shower, eating something, doing a puzzle or binge watching some series you’ve always wanted to see, or already seen and like. I did lots of jigsaw puzzles and wrote in journal to help get through the tough first few days.

By a week you will feel so much better—I also suggest joining the November class here and posting as much as you need as everyone on the thread is also in early stages of quitting so you can relate and support each other. It is hard, but does get easier and your uni experience will be so much better sober.

You can do it!

Hodd

I did teacher training at 51 alongside 21 year olds 🙂 Yes, it’s tricky being a mature student, but you’re already one step ahead of most 41 year olds to have the confidence to go into uni. Sounds like you did OK in year 1. Let’s be honest here, though. Year 2 will be a lot more manageable if you’re 100% sober. OK, that’ll mean withdrawals in your first week back, but you were tough enough to get through year 1.

I wouldn’t wish anxiety on anyone, but I’m willing to guess in your case a lot of that anxiety is due to not having a drink, that vicious circle. If you really are still anxious, see your GP.

But really get into the mentality that you’re not going to drink this academic year. I’d go one further and say never again. Alcohol’s won the battle. Now avoid it forevermore.

Oh and have a lot more confidence about being a mature student. It’s the coolest thing I’ve read on here today 👍🙂

venuscat

With love, you know the drill dear 1step.
Withdrawal is going to hit and you are going to drink unless you do something about it today. s
Why wait to go to a meeting?

I know that there is no better place than an AA meeting on day 1 when you feel completely awful.

lessgravity

1 - welcome back.

You've been a member of SR for a good while now - I can say that because I joined the same year you did - 2013. We are also close to the same age. I went back and read some of your posts through the years. It's clear you are tearing your life up, over and over, with your decisions to drink over and over. I know the pain you are in because I have been there. The anxiety, fear, panic, shame - all of the horrors that come with drinking - it is all resolvable. The question is only if you are willing to do the work.

You are at an age where deciding to drink, in the way you drink, will probably soon result in damage that can't be undone. I am only 3.5 years sober, all from my work done here on SR, and I was very close to the edge where you are walking. Are you ready to put it down for good? What's the plan?

anxiousrock

Now is always a good time to quit!! You can do this

Hodd

I didn’t see the join date, LG, but it put things in perspective. That’s eight years which could’ve been so much better.

And I should’ve mentioned my health issues from drinking - obesity, high blood pressure and fatty liver. I was heading for diabetes and probably cirrhosis. Even when 8 months sober, a liver fibroscan was normal but at the absolute maximum of normal (7kPa), and some sections of my liver were above normal. Maybe I have some scarring there already, but it shows how near I was to irreversibly damaging my liver. I reckon liver disease is the worst illness there is. It’s game over for the sufferer and their loved ones. I’m still shocked how close I was.

Contella09

Hi, first of all congratulations on taking the big step to go into further education! You are brave! It is hard for everyone to do that, including the younger generation leaving school. I can vouch for this as 2 friends have 16 year olds who are riddled with so much anxiety they have refused to go because they had panic attacks. It is scary but you are doing it. What course have you taken?

You can see a vicious cycle already maybe? Fear of failure, drink to numb it out and then you face even more anxiety the next day because of the drinking. My friend calls that "beer fear". He only drinks occasionally.

You are here on this forum for a reason. This forum and the people here that help have been an absolute eye opener and God send for me. I don't know where I would be right now without all the support and care I have recieved. Not only that...the knowledge and experiences people share are really informative and personal and you will learn so much.

I will be thinking of you and hope you keep coming back. I have had a few slips ups since joining but I am still here because I want to stop and I want to keep learning. This forum is a safe haven and you are never alone!

Contella09

Happy birthday for tomorrow too! Make it a sober one and really surprise yourself. Those are usually the days we celebrate with a drink. Try something different and see how you feel from it x

1stepup

Thank you all for your messages of support, I got through the night without buying any more alcohol and managed to eat and sleep a bit. My birthday today and whereas non problem drinkers drink to celebrate- I drink to torture myself and numb my feelings. The best birthday gift I can give myself today is to stay sober...

Hodd

Make it a birthday to remember 🙂👍 Doing great.

1stepup

Thank you, I know it's not going to be easy and that urge to buy 'just 4 beers' will hit me by the afternoon but I plan to stay close on here and eat plenty to take away that craving.

Hodd

Eat a bucket of ice cream if you like 😃 That’s a real reward,

For any of us reading on here, it’s never “just 4 beers”.

You need something to occupy your mind to distract from the cravings.

abcowboy

I did that very same thing almost 7 years ago. And it was definitely the best birthday present ever! It was my 58th birthday though, so wish I had done it on my 41st like you. Happy Birthday and enjoy your sobriety, one day at a time!

Contella09

I am so pleased you didnt drink yesterday and managed to eat and sleep. Even if it's only a little bit, it helps and it only gets better.

If you are anything like me it won't just stop at 4. I buy 4 then go and get another 4 and then another bucket load and 2 days later I am feeling like death. I am a nervous wreck and full of regret and shame. Always starts with the intention of stopping after 4, so please get through the justification of it being your birthday choose not to drink at all. Treat yourself to some good ice cream like someone else said. Or get yourself something arts and crafty to keep you busy that you know you will enjoy. I love a good jigsaw puzzle and that can keep me entertained for quite a while! I have tried and tested eating a large meal too if I get a craving. It works for me. Once I have a full belly the thought of drinking does diminish because I then feel a bit bloated and tired. But I have put nutrition into my body, not poison.

We are all here for you today. I wish you the best birthday ever and I know you will stay sober today. I will stay sober with you too 😊

venuscat

Dear 1Stepup ~

Free2bme888

Happy birthday 1step. You got this! Say goodby to what is destroying you. We have!

Live the rest of your life long and spiritual self intact.

Much love your way.❤️🎊🪅🎉🎏

Free2bme888

I’m with Hodd. Do you know the ice cream Jamoca Almond Fudge? It’s from. Dying ice cream chain called Baskin Robbins. Lovely indulgence. No liver damage, maybe a little thigh damage, but wonderful.🍦🍦🍦🍦