Trying to crawl back out
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Trying to crawl back out
I'm back on here after a long while. Been pretty poorly with drinking and mental health. (Heavy drinker for 25 years and traumatic events in early years.)
Have recently been diagnosed with complex PTSD amongst other stuff which made me reach even more for drink.
I know full well that it will make me even more poorly but knowing that I'm now pigeon holed into a MH box(es), I'm almost giving myself the excuse that I'm messed up and just drink away to block it out.
Had 5 weeks sober this year but sank back down the well and cannot get a grip on the slippery side to get back out.
Have recently been diagnosed with complex PTSD amongst other stuff which made me reach even more for drink.
I know full well that it will make me even more poorly but knowing that I'm now pigeon holed into a MH box(es), I'm almost giving myself the excuse that I'm messed up and just drink away to block it out.
Had 5 weeks sober this year but sank back down the well and cannot get a grip on the slippery side to get back out.
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,518
Welcome back!
It seems that having your mental health issues diagnosed, and hopefully treated, that you will begin to feel better. You will be more able to work on your sobriety.
It seems that having your mental health issues diagnosed, and hopefully treated, that you will begin to feel better. You will be more able to work on your sobriety.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Well, you don’t HAVE to get sober. Sobriety is almost never something one attains because they have to. Having to is simply not enough. It is only when we want to. You can give yourself permission to fall as far as you want. No one here will tell you you can’t. But is that what you want or are you just scared you don’t have what it takes to quit? Be honest.
Haven’t we woken a thousand times from a bad drunk and decided once and for all we never want to drink again? Haven’t we already decided we want to quit? So when someone says, “you have to want to”, isn’t it perplexing and infuriating?
Well, the change comes when we stop saying “we have to”, and start saying “we want to.”
We start to frame our choices as voluntary instead of mandatory. We say no because we want to feel good in the morning. We go to meetings because we want to grow. We go to therapy because we want to be healthy. We choose recovery because we want to have self esteem.
Having to isn’t enough in my experience. Cirrhosis didn’t stop me. My own desire to be better did. I don’t drink as a favor to myself. I’m tired of being the person I was. I want to be the person I can be.
Haven’t we woken a thousand times from a bad drunk and decided once and for all we never want to drink again? Haven’t we already decided we want to quit? So when someone says, “you have to want to”, isn’t it perplexing and infuriating?
Well, the change comes when we stop saying “we have to”, and start saying “we want to.”
We start to frame our choices as voluntary instead of mandatory. We say no because we want to feel good in the morning. We go to meetings because we want to grow. We go to therapy because we want to be healthy. We choose recovery because we want to have self esteem.
Having to isn’t enough in my experience. Cirrhosis didn’t stop me. My own desire to be better did. I don’t drink as a favor to myself. I’m tired of being the person I was. I want to be the person I can be.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,434
What BBM said—you drink until you want something else, something more, and to get your life back. I also endured pretty serious childhood trauma and drank about that for decades.
I think all I can offer here is to tell you that sobriety offers a kind of peace that drinking never ever did. I like the person I am sober, but the drunk me—not so much. I hurt others in trying to numb my own feelings. Life is so much more livable sober—don’t know how to explain better, but it is. Give it three months and see for yourself. You can always go back to drinking, but I doubt you will after an honest three months sober.
I think all I can offer here is to tell you that sobriety offers a kind of peace that drinking never ever did. I like the person I am sober, but the drunk me—not so much. I hurt others in trying to numb my own feelings. Life is so much more livable sober—don’t know how to explain better, but it is. Give it three months and see for yourself. You can always go back to drinking, but I doubt you will after an honest three months sober.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,456
I’m glad you made it back carpetcleaner.
If my experience is any guide, drinking is not the best response to a mental health issue.
At best drinking pushes things aside for a while…at worst it does nothing at all.
Either way it doesn’t help the underlying issue.
Drinking is probably keeping those wounds red and raw.
Like Anna said your best bet is to get professional help and treatment for your C-PTSD, as well as seeking help for your alcoholism.
It may look like a long road but there is support here, and other places - you are not alone
D
If my experience is any guide, drinking is not the best response to a mental health issue.
At best drinking pushes things aside for a while…at worst it does nothing at all.
Either way it doesn’t help the underlying issue.
Drinking is probably keeping those wounds red and raw.
Like Anna said your best bet is to get professional help and treatment for your C-PTSD, as well as seeking help for your alcoholism.
It may look like a long road but there is support here, and other places - you are not alone
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
Thank you all, to those who have offered wise words here.
I feel so poorly.
I don't want another day of waking at 7am, planning my first drink.
Feeling a lot better that I have reached out to everyone here.
Thank you.
CC
I feel so poorly.
I don't want another day of waking at 7am, planning my first drink.
Feeling a lot better that I have reached out to everyone here.
Thank you.
CC
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,576
Yes, that's what made all the difference for me - knowing others understood & didn't judge. No one else in my life came close to realizing what I was going through. It's so hard to explain why we continue to sabotage ourselves.
You can do this, cc.
You can do this, cc.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner 
Thank you all, to those who have offered wise words here.
I feel so poorly.
I don't want another day of waking at 7am, planning my first drink.
Feeling a lot better that I have reached out to everyone here.
Thank you.
CC
I feel so poorly.
I don't want another day of waking at 7am, planning my first drink.
Feeling a lot better that I have reached out to everyone here.
Thank you.
CC
PTSD is quite the situation and having healthy tools to get through is essential. You CAN DO THIS. You do not have to wake up at 7 am planning your first drink ever again. The plan can be that you wake up in sobriety and plan to get through the day sober. One day at a time. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: New England
Posts: 4,422
Welcome back, carpetcleaner.
I know drinking never made even one thing better for me.
I know you can stop and then be able to work on your other issues/diagnoses with the help that is available. You don't deserve to be miserable, just get through one day and then another.... we are ALL here for you and happy to listen and help as we can. You can do it!
I know drinking never made even one thing better for me.
I know you can stop and then be able to work on your other issues/diagnoses with the help that is available. You don't deserve to be miserable, just get through one day and then another.... we are ALL here for you and happy to listen and help as we can. You can do it!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 105
You are all so kind.
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner
You are all so kind.
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
Its not easy. Its not pretty. It doesnt have to be easy or pretty. Your head will tell you all kinds of things. Our response is what will make or break this situation. Stay close. Use this forum as a tool and a means to stay sober today. Think about tomorrow when it comes. You can do this!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Arizona, USA
Posts: 1,598
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner
You are all so kind.
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
Something like, “ok, I’m having a craving. This is totally natural. I’m trying to quit something that my body and myself me have grown dependent upon. It will take a while for me to learn to live without them. I will have to live through some very uncomfortable thoughts and emotions while I break away from their grip. It is natural and it will pass.”
Make sure you keep a full tummy today. Have some sweets on hand. Try to call someone or go and sit and talk with a sober friend or someone that you can share your journey with. Have some physical activity planned. Maybe attend an online or in person AA meeting. You can join by zoom and you don’t even have to turn your camera on or share. You can just listen. Or maybe look up some AA speakers on YouTube.
You’re going to have some challenges, that’s ok, gave them, acknowledge them a s ride them
out. Like Di22y from these board says, “the only way out is through time and suffering.”
sober style
Join Date: May 2016
Location: San Antonio
Posts: 2,388
Originally Posted by carpetcleaner
You are all so kind.
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
I have a good chunk of time today alone and I'm terrified of what will happen.
Wine isn't going to make me feel happy, I know this, I want the strength to be able to refuse it.
I've done this before so many times...
I'll read on here today to stay strong.
CC
Member
Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
If I depended on pure strength to recover, I honestly don't think I could have done it. Strength is something we need to muster for a short period of time to get us through the cravings, and even then there are tips to help with cravings you can read here. But as Snazzy pointed out, there is something beyond strength where recovery lies. I don't believe it is a power outside myself, and God forbid it is a power issue at all, because power isn't enough to lick this problem, and I certainly don't want to fight alcoholism for the rest of my life. That would be exhausting. Thankfully, there are things we learn about changing our behavior (not always easy at first) that make recovery (basically living a normal life) rewarding and easy beyond what you imagine right now.
Recovery isn't hard once you get to it, and you don't need strength to fight it. Recovery is not about fighting, it's more like you allowing recovery to take you in its arms and cradle you. Sure it involves work, but work is usually satisfying for people, especially when it leads to a better life for ourselves.
Recovery isn't hard once you get to it, and you don't need strength to fight it. Recovery is not about fighting, it's more like you allowing recovery to take you in its arms and cradle you. Sure it involves work, but work is usually satisfying for people, especially when it leads to a better life for ourselves.
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