No one is coming to save you
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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No one is coming to save you
Today is the one thousandth, two hundredth and sixty-fifth day in a row for me where I protected that which matters in my life from that which undermines, deletes, confuses, destroys, withholds, tarnishes, injures and poisons. The further I go down this sober path, the less I can relate to the person I was who had wandered and stumbled and rushed into a way of life that sacrificed all that mattered on the altar of my addiction. I cannot believe the lengths I went to, the constant steady stream of lies, intertwining lies, big and small, to my self, to my loved ones, to the very air I breathed, in order to feed the beast who only wanted more cheap wine, more bottom-shelf vodka, who wanted to gorge himself in the face of certain failure, certain loss, in the face of constant shame, nauseous terror, and the dull panic that spread throughout my days like a net.
As I have said here many times, the habits and obstacles and demons that birthed and then aided and then fed my beast didn't just vanish in sobriety. In fact, in some ways I feel that sobriety has lifted the veil on many of the self-destructive beliefs and attendant behaviors that led to my drinking. There is some kind of deep-seated disbelief in my goodness, a fly in the ointment of my self belief, that remains. And the cycle of avoidance that leads to possible failure and probably disappointment - that cycle that I came to think of as being who I am - it is still with me. I find myself addicted to it. And I work, daily, to recognize it and I work to remedy its roots and its ways of manifesting.
Yet even with these difficulties, my life is buoyed and driven to a place far above the brutal wastes of where I lurched and slept and ruined when I was drinking and drinking and drinking. It is a clean, safe place. There is self-trust and burgeoning self-belief. There is just the simple chance that each day might bring something sweet and meaningful and worthy - as mundane as a beautiful rain, or a conversation with a colleague, or even an accomplishment, maybe just good, well-earned sleep.
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did.
Some thoughts during a busy Tuesday. Thankful for SR. Chopping wood, carrying water and treating myself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.
As I have said here many times, the habits and obstacles and demons that birthed and then aided and then fed my beast didn't just vanish in sobriety. In fact, in some ways I feel that sobriety has lifted the veil on many of the self-destructive beliefs and attendant behaviors that led to my drinking. There is some kind of deep-seated disbelief in my goodness, a fly in the ointment of my self belief, that remains. And the cycle of avoidance that leads to possible failure and probably disappointment - that cycle that I came to think of as being who I am - it is still with me. I find myself addicted to it. And I work, daily, to recognize it and I work to remedy its roots and its ways of manifesting.
Yet even with these difficulties, my life is buoyed and driven to a place far above the brutal wastes of where I lurched and slept and ruined when I was drinking and drinking and drinking. It is a clean, safe place. There is self-trust and burgeoning self-belief. There is just the simple chance that each day might bring something sweet and meaningful and worthy - as mundane as a beautiful rain, or a conversation with a colleague, or even an accomplishment, maybe just good, well-earned sleep.
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did.
Some thoughts during a busy Tuesday. Thankful for SR. Chopping wood, carrying water and treating myself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.
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Join Date: Sep 2016
Location: Kansas City, MO
Posts: 1,121
LG, your journey has been an inspiration to me, and I just can't thank you enough for your generosity. You should be proud of that person looking back at you in the mirror. Congratulations, my friend.
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Join Date: Sep 2021
Posts: 611
Originally Posted by lessgravity 
Today is the one thousandth, two hundredth and sixty-fifth day in a row for me where I protected that which matters in my life from that which undermines, deletes, confuses, destroys, withholds, tarnishes, injures and poisons. The further I go down this sober path, the less I can relate to the person I was who had wandered and stumbled and rushed into a way of life that sacrificed all that mattered on the altar of my addiction. I cannot believe the lengths I went to, the constant steady stream of lies, intertwining lies, big and small, to my self, to my loved ones, to the very air I breathed, in order to feed the beast who only wanted more cheap wine, more bottom-shelf vodka, who wanted to gorge himself in the face of certain failure, certain loss, in the face of constant shame, nauseous terror, and the dull panic that spread throughout my days like a net.
As I have said here many times, the habits and obstacles and demons that birthed and then aided and then fed my beast didn't just vanish in sobriety. In fact, in some ways I feel that sobriety has lifted the veil on many of the self-destructive beliefs and attendant behaviors that led to my drinking. There is some kind of deep-seated disbelief in my goodness, a fly in the ointment of my self belief, that remains. And the cycle of avoidance that leads to possible failure and probably disappointment - that cycle that I came to think of as being who I am - it is still with me. I find myself addicted to it. And I work, daily, to recognize it and I work to remedy its roots and its ways of manifesting.
Yet even with these difficulties, my life is buoyed and driven to a place far above the brutal wastes of where I lurched and slept and ruined when I was drinking and drinking and drinking. It is a clean, safe place. There is self-trust and burgeoning self-belief. There is just the simple chance that each day might bring something sweet and meaningful and worthy - as mundane as a beautiful rain, or a conversation with a colleague, or even an accomplishment, maybe just good, well-earned sleep.
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did.
Some thoughts during a busy Tuesday. Thankful for SR. Chopping wood, carrying water and treating myself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.
As I have said here many times, the habits and obstacles and demons that birthed and then aided and then fed my beast didn't just vanish in sobriety. In fact, in some ways I feel that sobriety has lifted the veil on many of the self-destructive beliefs and attendant behaviors that led to my drinking. There is some kind of deep-seated disbelief in my goodness, a fly in the ointment of my self belief, that remains. And the cycle of avoidance that leads to possible failure and probably disappointment - that cycle that I came to think of as being who I am - it is still with me. I find myself addicted to it. And I work, daily, to recognize it and I work to remedy its roots and its ways of manifesting.
Yet even with these difficulties, my life is buoyed and driven to a place far above the brutal wastes of where I lurched and slept and ruined when I was drinking and drinking and drinking. It is a clean, safe place. There is self-trust and burgeoning self-belief. There is just the simple chance that each day might bring something sweet and meaningful and worthy - as mundane as a beautiful rain, or a conversation with a colleague, or even an accomplishment, maybe just good, well-earned sleep.
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did.
Some thoughts during a busy Tuesday. Thankful for SR. Chopping wood, carrying water and treating myself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Originally Posted by lessgravity
As I have said here many times, the habits and obstacles and demons that birthed and then aided and then fed my beast didn't just vanish in sobriety. In fact, in some ways I feel that sobriety has lifted the veil on many of the self-destructive beliefs and attendant behaviors that led to my drinking. There is some kind of deep-seated disbelief in my goodness, a fly in the ointment of my self belief, that remains. And the cycle of avoidance that leads to possible failure and probably disappointment - that cycle that I came to think of as being who I am - it is still with me. I find myself addicted to it. And I work, daily, to recognize it and I work to remedy its roots and its ways of manifesting.
All of this becomes so clear once I stop having those few drinks in the evening "to relax".
Originally Posted by lessgravity
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did. Some thoughts during a busy Tuesday. Thankful for SR. Chopping wood, carrying water and treating myself like someone who deserves to be taken care of.
Thanks for this great post!
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Join Date: Nov 2015
Location: East Coast USA
Posts: 1,068
Another amazing post by LG. Hope your ego does not get too big here but this one is almost as epic as My Guide to Moderation.
My guide to moderation - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (My guide to moderation)
Thanks for sharing this.
My guide to moderation - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (My guide to moderation)
Thanks for sharing this.
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Join Date: Nov 2018
Posts: 5,171
Originally Posted by lessgravity
The further I go down this sober path, the less I can relate to the person I was who had wandered and stumbled and rushed into a way of life that sacrificed all that mattered on the altar of my addiction..
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Join Date: Feb 2016
Posts: 2,654
Originally Posted by lessgravity
It is a clean, safe place There is self-trust and burgeoning self-belief. There is just the simple chance that each day might bring something sweet and meaningful and worthy - as mundane as a beautiful rain, or a conversation with a colleague, or even an accomplishment, maybe just good, well-earned sleep.
And the person who I see in the mirror is the person who saved me. I can picture myself wracked in the horrors of yet another hangover, cursing the sunlight, waiting waiting waiting for my life to change, tomorrow tomorrow tomorrow, waiting for someone to come save me. And no one showed up. Until I did. .
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