LeadHatter

Several people here and elsewhere have kindly told me that what others think of me is not my business.

The issue I have with that advice is that I then think, “well if someone doesn’t like me or doubts me or whatever then they may express those sorts of feelings”.

I guess then serine way would be to assume there is no problem until someone expresses one? Is that the way you go about your day?

Many thanks LH

DriGuy

I wouldn't assume someone dislikes me until I know they dislike me. Of course, I'd rather they didn't dislike me, but I can't always control that. It's generally best not to make unwarranted assumptions, but we all do, some less than others.

Mizz

If people are showing you that they dont like you and giving you energy in that manner that is on them. Whatever "they" are expressing is theirs to own. We don't have control over others and we surely cant bend and sway to fit others ideas of us. Those individuals have their own issues and passive aggressive ways of handling situations. Its not on you. Not on you at all. If they cant talk about what is bothering them then what does that say about them?

Passive aggressive behavior is the worst.

biminiblue

People are acting on all kinds of internalized information that has nothing whatsoever to do with me. Upbringing, past relationship issues, the dog died, they owe money, I remind them of their mother or their ex-BFF who stole from them, the dishwasher broke, their boss yelled at them, they just don't want to talk.

Rarely is it about me.

When it is? Oh, well. "God grant me the Serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the Courage to change the things I can, and the Wisdom to know the difference."

It gets easier. I kept that prayer on a mental loop for weeks in early sobriety. It works really well with other peoples' issues.

kittencat

Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.
Bernard M. Baruch

I do my best when I only worry about my own behavior and liking myself, and those that I love. Maybe I’m selfish but I’m fine with that as long as I don’t harm others. 🤷🏼‍♀️

Anna

LeadHatter, if you believe someone doesn't like you, then they are not the person for you. You need people in your life who support you, care about you and help to lift you up.

KAD65

Whatever people think of you, good or bad, whether or not they voice it to others, it's still out of your control. Can it possibly cause damage to your reputation or negatively affect your life? Sometimes, unfortunately, it can. If it is something you can correct, then by all means you should defend yourself, but if people are just going to believe what they believe regardless of what you say or do, you have no real choice but to walk away, otherwise it could make things even worse. Above all, protect yourself and your sobriety. Without that, nothing will work.

ScottFromWI

I would agree with the advice that it's never safe to assume anything about what other people "think". Many times we aren't even sure what we think ourselves - so to make any decision based on something we can never know is always a recipe for disaster.

I used to ( and still do sometimes ) spend a great deal of effort worrying about whether I was meeting other people's standards, and tried to please everyone. Work is still an issue for me in that respect as I many times get performance/results confused with whether or not people "like" what have done. And there is a distinct difference.

The biggest tools that have helped me in this respect are the practice of mindfulness and meditation. It has helped lead me to be much more self-aware of what I can control ( which isn't much ) and to let go or just not even bother with the stuff that doesn't ( which is most things ). I have also very severely curtailed/removed social media from my life in general as I feel it really compounds the issue even more.

For me the bottom line now is that whether someone "likes" me or not is their issue, not mine. I focus on doing things the best I can for me, my family and my community and if that's not good enough for someone then it's their problem, not mine.

Erratic

hope ur ok hun xx

brighterday1234

I found that when I became at peace with who I am and happy with it then what others thought of me ceased to be of much importance 🙏

Obladi

Oh, I know this! This wary thinking I might be causing people to dislike me simply by existing. I suffered from that for a long time. It took a lot of internal work (with and without a therapist) to get beyond my basic "not good enough" feelings. Honestly, I'm still working on it, but it's getting better and better the further away I am from the last drink.

In the meantime, I found that the most serene way to go about my day is to do my level best to be a decent person. If I'm doing a good job of being considerate, polite, and non-bossy (one of my failings), then I assume I'm in good stead with others. If I have the general sense that someone just flat out doesn't like me, I try to stay out of their way and be decent if we happen to cross paths.

If I feel like I messed up and might have caused offense to someone else (just recently, not in the past), I first ask them if they have a few minutes to check in on something that is troubling me, then proceed based on their availability. Even something as simple as, "Hey, I'd like to just chat with you a bit about what happened at the meeting this morning" is a good way to ask permission and give that other person an idea what this is about. It also gives them the opportunity to say, "Sure - does 4pm work for you?" People like some advance notice.

When I speak with the person, I try to stick with the facts and my feelings. "When I said xyz this morning, I saw that you turned away - I am a bit worried I may have offended you. Did I?" This then gives the person to tell you if they were bothered and if so, why. It also gives them the opportunity to say, "No, not at all!"

It's important to be sparing about these check-ins. You don't want to ask the same person time and again if everything is ok (right?), but a good therapist can help you to work through those feelings. A good sponsor might be able to do the same, but that all depends on them, your relationship with them, and whether they are equipped to work with you through your feelings.

O

2muchpain

I used to go crazy when I felt someone didn't like me. I would work hard to change their minds. I would think there must be something wrong with me. But I eventually realized that, many times, why a person dislikes me has more to do to what is going on with them, not me and there was nothing I could do to change that. It took me many years to get to this point and it isn't easy.
Now, if their attitude towards me affects my life someway, then I need to do something about it if I can. Otherwise, I just stay away from them. I try to surround myself with positive people. As long as you are ok being you, that is all that matters. You sound like a nice person to me. John

Evoo

Try and brush it off. Just hit em' with kindness the next day. Don't give it a second thought. Here's a frame that has helped me with this form of anxiety:

For the most part, people are self-interested. You aren't occupying the space in their heads you think you are. If they are cold or unfriendly, they could be dealing with any number of person things at home, in health, grief or otherwise. 99.9 percent of the time, it isn't about you at all.

I used to spend much of my evenings obsessing over things I had done or said, or that they said - trying to get to the true meaning of it. Then I'd just drink to "calm my nerves" and ward off whatever other anxieties were making me miserable.

But realizing that, for the most part, what a person says/does isn't about you -- is very freeing.

Now I am 100 percent a face-value person. I value directness. If someone is passive aggressive in any way, I just respond kindly and ignore the offense. If they're really upset, they can be direct about it. If someone doesn't like me, that ain't my concern, and it's not going to change the kind and honest way that I respond to them.

I think you'll find if you take this approach, you'll eventually find even the coldest person warm up over time -- and discover that they were dealing with something personal that wasn't about you at all .

Good luck! This one takes a little time, but it's really freeing when you successfully reframe.

LeadHatter

Yesterday sucked. Saturday sucked for me also. And Sunday sucked too. I did manage to get some activities done on those days. they just weren’t too cheerful, and last night I was just plain sad.

Please hp give me a good day today!!haha

Well I’m laughing so you can probably all tell I had a good sleep and today I think (unless I’m mistaken I just got up. Much earlier than if I was drinking I will add) I’m largely over my feelings of anxiety and depression. Until the next time I guess.

You know I’d heard of “passive aggressive” before but I never knew what it meant. Well I googled it now and I now know what it means so thankyou for bringing that up. A little win.

There is so much advice on this thread Thankyou so much. I guess when I get the feeling something is “off” with an interaction I find it hard to know if that feeling of being off means I did something wrong, that other person did something wrong or just that I’m being paranoid.

As some have said the longer I’m sober and live my best life, the better my self esteem will be. So I hope you are right, in that idk, I will get, I’m thinking, “stronger?”, less sensitive, more self aware.

Im wondering if a direct approach would be helpful with my mental health carer. I could simply tell her she upset me by doubting my sobriety. I don’t think it would do harm and she may handle me more carefully in future and understand my personality and character a little bit better.

Going forward I will resist thinking people dislike me until I have evidence to prove that assumption.

Just for the purposes of an update I will say I bought a copy of the AA Big book yesterday online, so that will arrive today at some point.

Many thanks to all who have replied to me thankyou LH

Dee74

Hi LH

Great advice on this this thread. I just wanted to add that I was a real people pleaser in my younger days. I wanted to be friends with everyone and have them like me and not have conflict in my life, ever.

That wasn't possible cos not everyone got the memo

My vallidation as a person was almost entirely dependent on how others treated me.

I would tie myself in knots over things I'd said or done or things other people had said or done or what I feared they really meant by this or that...

I'd get mad at myself and sometimes at other those people as well.

The remedy for that, for me, was always to drink.

After a few decades of this I was in a locked pattern of always looking for validation from other people.
I couldn't feel good about myself unless other people responded well to me.

When I quit drinking, things changed.

I found out I was neither weak or incapable.
My points of view were often valid and I began to trust in myself again.

That doesn't mean I became arrogant and thought I was always right
I knew I was wrong sometimes - but I did allow for the possibility that other people might be wrong too

My validation became much more of an internal one, and its stayed that way.
Thats made for a way more serene life for me, LH.

D

LeadHatter

Hi D, yep that post makes complete sense to me. I think I noticed I was a people pleaser maybe a year ago.

I thought that it was a trauma response from my childhood (maybe it was) but I’d never considered the fact that maybe my validation was coming from other people. That’s real interesting for me to think on, so thankyou very much!!

I don’t like conflict either (another trauma response?) and think as you once did. I’d rather avoid the drama and fear of it all. All of it. I’d rather avoid it forever too.

Do you think there is some benefit to conflict?

My therapist is doing good work presently and I think what she is doing will make me much more self aware. I think this will lead to more self appreciation and yes a lot more self validation going forward. It’s very early days though.

Best wishes LH

Dee74

I’m still not a fan of conflict, but I think sometimes working through conflict with someone can lead to lasting understanding on both sides

D