Lunacy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Lunacy
anyone intend really not to drink and then impulsively bought alcohol?
Trying to figure out what was going on in my thought process so I can combat it when it comes up again. No intention of drinking on Sunday....got up early did some chores went on my first walk (my cardio) since major f up in August put an end to everything.....Probably over did it. Walked 13 km thinking "ok the first one back has to be a killer one get back into it" in the heat. Actually when i think about I felt unstable mentally on the walk and should have saw it coming. The "relapse" (hate using that word: made a really bad decision to drink after six months and with all the negative emotions found it hard to go more than a few days and bang again into it buying impulsively to "feel better" only the feel better was temporarily and the vicious cycle just went on) alcohol has brought out fierce hard memories of last years breakup with ex and the regret and pain. Never felt this knocked for six and confused about a break up before. Is that because of age? When you're younger you recuperate more quickly (like she has done I guess at 10 years younger but also with family support and no addictions) but at 44 I feel stranded like a shipwreck in the middle of the atlantic and find myself saying "again this has happened. what sort of imbecile am I". Feeling washed up.
I digress. Searching for a why to the behavior (oh I haven't got to the wee problem I have now) so I can counter it from tomorrow.....but reading some posts here and I suppose it makes sense what people are saying ....I bought alcohol to feed an addiction to alcohol. So should I just label everything manifestations of the AV? granted I started reading RATIONAL RECOVERY and did start thinking "oh I don't need this" (that was AV right? picked up another book that I have HOW TO CHANGE YOUR DRINKING (talks of reducing the risk, learning to moderate or going abstinence as three choices). I thought "maybe this would be better learn how to reduce harm IN CASE I WERE TO DRINK AGAIN, you know, avoid the binge avoid drink driving etc" (that was AV right?)
I walk past this cash and carry supermarket all the time. A little further away from my street and near the river where I do my cardio (just commenting on this to my sister: damn this is lovely, it is free, in nature, fresh air.....makes me happy. whereas alcohol makes me sad) never went into the cash and carry before neither did I notice it was open for half the day, the morning, on Sundays) if I am honest I took note of that (that was AV taking note right?) later I would go to the cash and carry type supermarket to "buy fanta and some food" and came out with lots of wine whisky and soda water, I think I threw a pizza and yogurt in the basket as the food cover up.
So how to combat that impulsivity? Using AVRT? Posting? (the thing is when I seem to need help the most, I seem to act on impulse instead but it happens quickly.
Ok so now I have the alcohol I will not do anything negative (AV convincing me?) Right so I came to the conclusion the other day that "moderating" wasn't the issue. This was a red herring. I came to the conclusion that alcohol changes me and a different persona emerges. This persona is nasty, vengeful, resentful, full of self pity, cruel, dangerous. I came to the conclusion that NOBODY including me should ever have to deal with that persona again. That conclusion made me want to apologize to everyone who had the misfortune of crossing paths with that sociopath persona.
Why did I let that persona out again after arriving at such a conclusion? Two ex's commented that the could see a change coming over my face after only 1-2 glasses of wine. The JOKER started to emerge. Batman left the building.
Now pain and hurt take time to get over and heal. Goals take a while to accomplish. Desires need to be managed and controlled. There is right and wrong. There are boundaries. I believe the JOKER wants to "fix" things for me and wants things "fixed" now. But the result is like when your cat goes out and comes back carrying a dead rat or dead bird and drops it in the hallway and perhaps (I'm adding stuff now) thinks with good intentions "there is a meal for my owners". That's my JOKER (persona).
I sat on the roof listening to a classical music podcast and a novel and HOW TO CHANGE YOUR DRINKING. Sitting in the shade on a relentlessly hot day. the 13 km was too much on a banana and coffee filled stomach. I started on the whisky and soda as you know "the white is not chilled and it's too early for red" (AV?) I DRINK FAST. It wasn't long before 4 were down me and my blood alcohol level had spiked (4 in an hour, stupid) the JOKER emerged. **** this classical music let's listen to something depressing to remind you of your ex and your breakup. Hey let's send the song to half your whatsapp contacts so they know you are in pain right? ( the JOKER trying to "help" like the cat bringing home the dead rat) LET THEM KNOW LET THEM KNOW!! Hey you lost your girl and your damn dog. The JOKER actually twisted this "they left you and have already replaced you!! replace them back!!!"
So I initially started looking for dogs that were being given away but one thing led to another and apparently I agreed to buy another BULL TERRIER . The JOKER saw my pain from that lost and decided the best course of action was not to wait until I AM READY AND WELL (what my plan was ) but instead to solve the problem YA (now) dead cats, dead rats. SO OFF DRINK DRIVING WE WENT. (I know I know I am anti drink driving and I think the limit should be ZERO and I am aware that I could have killed someone) but the JOKER DOES NOT GIVE ONE **** Boundaries? no? ethics? no. right and wrong? no. just blind I WILL GET YOU WHAT I THINK YOU NEED RIGHT NOW NO MATTER THE COST. (dead rats). It was an hours drive away. I NEARLY CRASHED TWICE IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES. But now here's the thing. When alcohol blood level goes down a little, the JOKER drives quite well. (ha) Ok I hit 200kph on the motorway as the guy had a time limit. My mother called and I sort of embelished the truth saying I was getting my old dog back (am I insane at this point?)
OK SO THE JOKER BOUGHT ME A ******* BULL TERRIER PUP WITH MONEY THAT I DON'T HAVE. Here is the cat bringing you home a rat to eat.
So now I have a new dog. A little baby BULL TERRIER. my bro pleaded with me too late "DO NOT GET A ****** DOG. SORT YOURSELF OUT, YOU CAN'T LOOK AFTER A ******* DOG YOU *****" He was right and I would have listened. The JOKER listens to nobody but my pain.
Now I WOKE UP WITH A ******* HANGOVER AND A ******* BULL TERRIER PUPPY CRYING HIS LITTLE EYES OUT!!!! WTF?
Of course I panicked contacted the breeder but he did his sale and doesn't want to know. So I put an ad up to sell the little guy BUT THE LONGER IT GOES ON THE MORE THE LITTLE GUY IS GROWING ON ME!! I planned on getting another BT but not NOW. The JOKER just heard "plan getting another BULL TERRIER"
Got a few days to decide what to do..
one one hand I don't need the responsibility
on the other hand maybe the responsibility and to love this little blither is what I need...
either way, drinking and waking up the next day with a NEW BULL TERRIER was not right (I know he is a ******* life and I will make sure he is well looked after)
Trying to figure out what was going on in my thought process so I can combat it when it comes up again. No intention of drinking on Sunday....got up early did some chores went on my first walk (my cardio) since major f up in August put an end to everything.....Probably over did it. Walked 13 km thinking "ok the first one back has to be a killer one get back into it" in the heat. Actually when i think about I felt unstable mentally on the walk and should have saw it coming. The "relapse" (hate using that word: made a really bad decision to drink after six months and with all the negative emotions found it hard to go more than a few days and bang again into it buying impulsively to "feel better" only the feel better was temporarily and the vicious cycle just went on) alcohol has brought out fierce hard memories of last years breakup with ex and the regret and pain. Never felt this knocked for six and confused about a break up before. Is that because of age? When you're younger you recuperate more quickly (like she has done I guess at 10 years younger but also with family support and no addictions) but at 44 I feel stranded like a shipwreck in the middle of the atlantic and find myself saying "again this has happened. what sort of imbecile am I". Feeling washed up.
I digress. Searching for a why to the behavior (oh I haven't got to the wee problem I have now) so I can counter it from tomorrow.....but reading some posts here and I suppose it makes sense what people are saying ....I bought alcohol to feed an addiction to alcohol. So should I just label everything manifestations of the AV? granted I started reading RATIONAL RECOVERY and did start thinking "oh I don't need this" (that was AV right? picked up another book that I have HOW TO CHANGE YOUR DRINKING (talks of reducing the risk, learning to moderate or going abstinence as three choices). I thought "maybe this would be better learn how to reduce harm IN CASE I WERE TO DRINK AGAIN, you know, avoid the binge avoid drink driving etc" (that was AV right?)
I walk past this cash and carry supermarket all the time. A little further away from my street and near the river where I do my cardio (just commenting on this to my sister: damn this is lovely, it is free, in nature, fresh air.....makes me happy. whereas alcohol makes me sad) never went into the cash and carry before neither did I notice it was open for half the day, the morning, on Sundays) if I am honest I took note of that (that was AV taking note right?) later I would go to the cash and carry type supermarket to "buy fanta and some food" and came out with lots of wine whisky and soda water, I think I threw a pizza and yogurt in the basket as the food cover up.
So how to combat that impulsivity? Using AVRT? Posting? (the thing is when I seem to need help the most, I seem to act on impulse instead but it happens quickly.
Ok so now I have the alcohol I will not do anything negative (AV convincing me?) Right so I came to the conclusion the other day that "moderating" wasn't the issue. This was a red herring. I came to the conclusion that alcohol changes me and a different persona emerges. This persona is nasty, vengeful, resentful, full of self pity, cruel, dangerous. I came to the conclusion that NOBODY including me should ever have to deal with that persona again. That conclusion made me want to apologize to everyone who had the misfortune of crossing paths with that sociopath persona.
Why did I let that persona out again after arriving at such a conclusion? Two ex's commented that the could see a change coming over my face after only 1-2 glasses of wine. The JOKER started to emerge. Batman left the building.
Now pain and hurt take time to get over and heal. Goals take a while to accomplish. Desires need to be managed and controlled. There is right and wrong. There are boundaries. I believe the JOKER wants to "fix" things for me and wants things "fixed" now. But the result is like when your cat goes out and comes back carrying a dead rat or dead bird and drops it in the hallway and perhaps (I'm adding stuff now) thinks with good intentions "there is a meal for my owners". That's my JOKER (persona).
I sat on the roof listening to a classical music podcast and a novel and HOW TO CHANGE YOUR DRINKING. Sitting in the shade on a relentlessly hot day. the 13 km was too much on a banana and coffee filled stomach. I started on the whisky and soda as you know "the white is not chilled and it's too early for red" (AV?) I DRINK FAST. It wasn't long before 4 were down me and my blood alcohol level had spiked (4 in an hour, stupid) the JOKER emerged. **** this classical music let's listen to something depressing to remind you of your ex and your breakup. Hey let's send the song to half your whatsapp contacts so they know you are in pain right? ( the JOKER trying to "help" like the cat bringing home the dead rat) LET THEM KNOW LET THEM KNOW!! Hey you lost your girl and your damn dog. The JOKER actually twisted this "they left you and have already replaced you!! replace them back!!!"
So I initially started looking for dogs that were being given away but one thing led to another and apparently I agreed to buy another BULL TERRIER . The JOKER saw my pain from that lost and decided the best course of action was not to wait until I AM READY AND WELL (what my plan was ) but instead to solve the problem YA (now) dead cats, dead rats. SO OFF DRINK DRIVING WE WENT. (I know I know I am anti drink driving and I think the limit should be ZERO and I am aware that I could have killed someone) but the JOKER DOES NOT GIVE ONE **** Boundaries? no? ethics? no. right and wrong? no. just blind I WILL GET YOU WHAT I THINK YOU NEED RIGHT NOW NO MATTER THE COST. (dead rats). It was an hours drive away. I NEARLY CRASHED TWICE IN THE FIRST TEN MINUTES. But now here's the thing. When alcohol blood level goes down a little, the JOKER drives quite well. (ha) Ok I hit 200kph on the motorway as the guy had a time limit. My mother called and I sort of embelished the truth saying I was getting my old dog back (am I insane at this point?)
OK SO THE JOKER BOUGHT ME A ******* BULL TERRIER PUP WITH MONEY THAT I DON'T HAVE. Here is the cat bringing you home a rat to eat.
So now I have a new dog. A little baby BULL TERRIER. my bro pleaded with me too late "DO NOT GET A ****** DOG. SORT YOURSELF OUT, YOU CAN'T LOOK AFTER A ******* DOG YOU *****" He was right and I would have listened. The JOKER listens to nobody but my pain.
Now I WOKE UP WITH A ******* HANGOVER AND A ******* BULL TERRIER PUPPY CRYING HIS LITTLE EYES OUT!!!! WTF?
Of course I panicked contacted the breeder but he did his sale and doesn't want to know. So I put an ad up to sell the little guy BUT THE LONGER IT GOES ON THE MORE THE LITTLE GUY IS GROWING ON ME!! I planned on getting another BT but not NOW. The JOKER just heard "plan getting another BULL TERRIER"
Got a few days to decide what to do..
one one hand I don't need the responsibility
on the other hand maybe the responsibility and to love this little blither is what I need...
either way, drinking and waking up the next day with a NEW BULL TERRIER was not right (I know he is a ******* life and I will make sure he is well looked after)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
One thing is certain: if this dog stays, alcohol cannot stay.
I thought this was OCD : I seem to have to start every new venture or project or back to the gym "on a Monday" or "at the start of month" more AV?
tomorrow is the 1st anyway.
I thought this was OCD : I seem to have to start every new venture or project or back to the gym "on a Monday" or "at the start of month" more AV?
tomorrow is the 1st anyway.
Canine Welfare Advocate
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,962
Originally Posted by Thesaviour 
anyone intend really not to drink and then impulsively bought alcohol?
Forum Leader
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
Originally Posted by Thesaviour
So how to combat that impulsivity? Using AVRT? Posting? (the thing is when I seem to need help the most, I seem to act on impulse instead but it happens quickly.
I personally believe that a lot of the impulsivity/compulsivity surrounding addiction is learned behavior - and thus something that can be re-learned in a different fashion. That's why you see a lot of CBT based techniques around it I think. My journey to sobriety involved counseling as I had other intertwined issues ( anxiety mostly ) that were also solved in part by re-learning how to go about things, and CBT was a part of it.
We are all constantly bombarded with choices - and even though some of them happen quickly and seem like the "just happened", we still make a choice. So yes - AVRT and posting on SR are a couple of ways that you could start re-learning how to make better/healthier choices. There are likely others too, but just any other behavioral changes the key is to practice and be purposeful, and to do it over and over and over until you get the result you want.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
I definitively should make a doc app this week. When you find yourself listening to Phil Collins something in your mind has snapped.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuvtoyVi7vY
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wuvtoyVi7vY
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by Mizz
WOW! Sounds like you went for it. A hangover and a puppy.
Its the perfect start to getting sober and getting on with it. The perfect start.
Its the perfect start to getting sober and getting on with it. The perfect start.
I cannot fall over the same stone twice.
A huge, huge error or a chance at redemption. I cannot decide.
The jury is out.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
anybody else listen to horrendous depressing crap while drinking?
Sending that horrendous depressing crap to people on whatsapp is a cry for help or attention seeking?
like this. the flavor of the moment:
Snuff live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmQI2AaTNgQ
Snuff acoustic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBK6xymmKHM
my poor suffering younger brother finally snapped and asked me to stop sending him crap.
the following day this type of crap haunts me
Sending that horrendous depressing crap to people on whatsapp is a cry for help or attention seeking?
like this. the flavor of the moment:
Snuff live
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hmQI2AaTNgQ
Snuff acoustic
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBK6xymmKHM
my poor suffering younger brother finally snapped and asked me to stop sending him crap.
the following day this type of crap haunts me
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,360
I'm like that with the sugar and I haven't figured out why so I got nothing besides "that's what addicts do." I know for a fact that it is possible to get free. Why? How?
I listened to an interesting Ted talk about self awareness. The woman said that self aware people (10% of the population) dont ask why they ask what. As in what can we do to move past this?
I listened to an interesting Ted talk about self awareness. The woman said that self aware people (10% of the population) dont ask why they ask what. As in what can we do to move past this?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Cancel out the negatives with positives:
No longer slaves
Fear to Faith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDnA_coA168
No longer slaves
Fear to Faith
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bDnA_coA168
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Though you slay me
from the book of Job. Finding resiliance in suffering
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
NOTE: JOHN PIPER SERMON AT THE END. very powerful and insperational
from the book of Job. Finding resiliance in suffering
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qyUPz6_TciY
NOTE: JOHN PIPER SERMON AT THE END. very powerful and insperational
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
This one tells me I am not worthless I just need to fill my heart up with His love
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
I believe
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sIaT8Jl2zpI
I believe
Member
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: Toronto
Posts: 3,195
I am also a "Jekyll and Hyde" type of drinker. Sober, I'm quite introverted and laid-back. After a few pints, I become an extrovert and you can't shut me up. Problems occur when I get to a blackout level of intoxication where my impulsive behavior gets me arrested or injured.
I'm the same age as you, also feel washed up. I would love a dog but I know that it would be irresponsible of me to put the poor dog's well-being in the hands of a chronically relapsing alcoholic.
I'm the same age as you, also feel washed up. I would love a dog but I know that it would be irresponsible of me to put the poor dog's well-being in the hands of a chronically relapsing alcoholic.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I think most of us have pledged not to drink and then bought alcohol. For me it was a sign I needed to do more to stay in the not drinking lane.
It’s not easy to make what changes are necessary for each of us to quit, but I really believe it’s easier than our drinking life.
Whatever method you choose is up to you but it sounds like your life could use some uncomplicating, man.
I had to follow up with action. I did everything but drink again. What you call The Joker is not some
external manipulating force - it’s you TS - a corrupted you sure but still you.
You have the power to say no and not cooperate.
Without you, your arms and legs, your inner addict can’t do a thing - it has no arms, no legs, no brain of its own.
Will you feel uncomfortable denying your inner addicts desires? Almost certainly - but it will pass…and is discomfort such a bad thing anyway?
You have the power to not get in the car when you’ve been drinking… you have the power not to go and buy puppies if you’re not sure that is a good idea.
Addiction left me very self indulgent.
Recovery gave me a sense of real purpose back again.
D
It’s not easy to make what changes are necessary for each of us to quit, but I really believe it’s easier than our drinking life.
Whatever method you choose is up to you but it sounds like your life could use some uncomplicating, man.
I had to follow up with action. I did everything but drink again. What you call The Joker is not some
external manipulating force - it’s you TS - a corrupted you sure but still you.
You have the power to say no and not cooperate.
Without you, your arms and legs, your inner addict can’t do a thing - it has no arms, no legs, no brain of its own.
Will you feel uncomfortable denying your inner addicts desires? Almost certainly - but it will pass…and is discomfort such a bad thing anyway?
You have the power to not get in the car when you’ve been drinking… you have the power not to go and buy puppies if you’re not sure that is a good idea.
Addiction left me very self indulgent.
Recovery gave me a sense of real purpose back again.
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by Wastinglife
I am also a "Jekyll and Hyde" type of drinker. Sober, I'm quite introverted and laid-back. After a few pints, I become an extrovert and you can't shut me up. Problems occur when I get to a blackout level of intoxication where my impulsive behavior gets me arrested or injured.
I'm the same age as you, also feel washed up. I would love a dog but I know that it would be irresponsible of me to put the poor dog's well-being in the hands of a chronically relapsing alcoholic.
I'm the same age as you, also feel washed up. I would love a dog but I know that it would be irresponsible of me to put the poor dog's well-being in the hands of a chronically relapsing alcoholic.
I hate no moving beyond all this.
shadow shite.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6mpZUPPTyjo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Member
Join Date: May 2021
Location: England
Posts: 1,850
Thesaviour I enjoyed your post - maybe enjoyed is the wrong word - but it described so vividly, so viscerally, so brilliantly just how insane drinking alcohol can make us. It reminded me of all the crazy stuff I have done, the stuff that leaves you shocked and mortified the next day. Pain is never erased or even eased with alcohol, it is instead distorted into some kind of meaningless indulgent brain farts that are both a cry for help and attention seeking.
Better by far is NOT to drink the alcohol and ask someone to help you, listen to you and talk about the hurt.
Better by far is NOT to drink the alcohol and ask someone to help you, listen to you and talk about the hurt.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2012
Posts: 5,937
The best time to get sober was yesterday. The next best is today. You will always have the "impulse" to drink so long as you let your AV speak. Quitting is kind of like crossing a wide chasm; you can't do it in three short jumps, you gotta just go for it.
I would totally have a puppy if I could! I'm not allowed to have pets in my lease but if I owned my own house it's one of the first things I'd do. If you keep the little fella then take good care of it! If you're not up to the task find someone who is so the little guy doesn't suffer.
I would totally have a puppy if I could! I'm not allowed to have pets in my lease but if I owned my own house it's one of the first things I'd do. If you keep the little fella then take good care of it! If you're not up to the task find someone who is so the little guy doesn't suffer.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
woke up feeling like death.
after sorting dog out to do whatever and eat. Poured a beer in an ice cold glass. Hair of the dog? Put it into the drinks calculator thing. Thought about, it's September, new month, new day. Work tomorrow. Poured it down sink. Deleted from drinks calculator.
Question:
Today no drinks.
Yesterday a lot and so I still have alcohol in my system but didn't put any fresh in system today.
is that still onto day 1 as I haven't drank any or does a day 1 begin when the residue from yesterday leave your system. Which according to the calculator will be somewhere around midday. Well I guess that's still today.
Very trivial question. It won't really matter in a years time.
I need to sell this puppy.
after sorting dog out to do whatever and eat. Poured a beer in an ice cold glass. Hair of the dog? Put it into the drinks calculator thing. Thought about, it's September, new month, new day. Work tomorrow. Poured it down sink. Deleted from drinks calculator.
Question:
Today no drinks.
Yesterday a lot and so I still have alcohol in my system but didn't put any fresh in system today.
is that still onto day 1 as I haven't drank any or does a day 1 begin when the residue from yesterday leave your system. Which according to the calculator will be somewhere around midday. Well I guess that's still today.
Very trivial question. It won't really matter in a years time.
I need to sell this puppy.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
