Jupiter11

Does it really matter? In all my other million failed attempts I was very pedantic. But now I'm deadly serious about this, nothing really matters to me apart from the fact that I will not drink and I am trying to keep a plan in place to make sure I don't. Everything else is fluff and a distraction from the main aimGood for you, pouring it away, you would still have had to face the feeling rough, just a few more hours down the line instead.

Dee74

Some people count from the last calendar day they drank, others from the first full sober day.
I'm really glad you poured it out TS

D

Thesaviour

No it doesn't really matter. That kind of ocd thinking can lead to restarts.

time has run out. I can't afford anymore stupid.

I can't trust me with alcohol inside me. Who knows what will happen. No more bad surprises.

I suppose that's what a hangover is, getting the alcohol from the previous day out.

Then keep it out.

hangover today means no hangover tomorrow.

No drugs no alcohol no cigarettes.

Main word being NO. got to get used to saying that now.

Stop it.

No.

Boundary with self.

Eshgham

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve walked out, then walked back into my house, then walked out again. Or driven past a bottle shop with intent, but then doubled back. Once you’re in the rhythm, sometimes even being mindful of what you’re doing isn’t enough. It is lunacy. Journaling is the only thing that’s worked for me.

Jupiter11

Yeah I have OCD too and dig little holes for myself concentrating on little details while not being able to stand back and see the whole picture
I am starting to get it through my thick head that once I start drinking, I was a days long binge drinker, that the only way out is through the pain of withdrawal. Avoiding this at times and having just a little, that turns into a lot, to stave off the withdrawal just makes everything worse. Simple enough, but it's taken a long time to start to sink in. And I find the cravings coming off a binge are a thousand times worse than the craving that started it. But I never learnt. Hopefully now I have enough for it to stick. And hopefully you have too

Thesaviour

Well I guess that's what I've been doing since the start of this screw up at the end of July. I wish I had of just nipped it in the bud there and then at the start. let it go on for too long. Granted self loathing, disappointment etc I didn't deal with those feelings too well and allowed them to drag me into the pit again and again.

In fact when I think about it now, a little bit rationally, it makes NO SENSE AT ALL. Going back to the very substance that cause self loathing, disappointment, destruction.....to run from those feelings? or maybe it was punishment. Silly really. I was in the kitchen today looking around at empties etc and thought "how could you have bought alcohol again after the problems and pain this stuff has caused you"

I suppose what he says in rational recovery "drinking in spite of the negative consequences is addiction"

Addiction is stupid. It's no win as there is never enough. the belly is never full. Big mouths and small stomachs the Buddhists mentioned before with their hungry ghosts or something.

Just like smoking. If I don't put nicotine in my body there is no nicotine itch longing to be satisfied.

Keep this alcohol crap out of my system and I climb out of the pit free from addiction.

Just need to get it into my head that I no longer drink and say NO should those impulsive thoughts to buy come up.

Thesaviour

Yeah I'm letting it leave my system......

AF life is so much better.

Last stretch didn't even have cravings. There was just sadness because of negative circumstances and a desire to quietly move forward.

I was caught out in a moment with a glass of wine. How the turned into a living nightmare. My problem is I get into the swing of AF life and things are getting better and instead of getting cravings I start glamorising wine.

a matter of reprogramming the mind as I move forward. Perhaps I will read some of those books or whatever keep reading here. There has being nothing of glamour about any of this. A lot of stupid. Sunday was stupid and dangerous. Will I be able to laugh about it one day? I don't know but I know that it is stressing me out right now thinking about it and I have the consequence on my couch right now. Enough stupid.

I've got to sell this puppy. 1) I need to take care of me and get stable before anything 2) I could do without the extra responsibility and stress 3) How I went about getting him was just plain wrong how could I keep him after getting him in those circumstances.

no more delays. hangover today, no hangover tomorrow.

Walk away from the craps table

Mizz

I think you are finding solutions and moving forward. That is really all you can do. One step at a time.
Live in the solution. You can do this.

Nonsensical

Only thousands of times.
My therapist says I have impulse control issues.
I have come a long way in dealing with those.
Best of Luck with Your Puppy!

novips

I have come to conclude that there is a type of alcoholic who can only stay sober by fully committing to the recovery program of Alcoholic Anonymous. For this type to try to stay away from drinking by dissecting their triggers is useless. There is always some new compelling narrative, but the bottom line is that if you are that type of alcoholic then (1) you are simply powerless over alcohol, (2) you need to gain access to a Power greater than yourself that will do for you what you can't do for yourself, and (3) the only place you will find that power is in A.A. Some folks get downright apoplectic when this proposition is put forth -- but that doesn't change the fact that based on all my experience it is true for me and countless others like me whom I've met. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat more about that.

Zebra1275

anyone intend really not to drink and then impulsively bought alcohol?

just one or two

thousand times

Thesaviour

When I am very very intoxicated the bad and crazy decisions are taken. Way too often I have taken my car out and damaged it. In that moment of dangerous intoxication I do believe my JOKER (sorry if you don't like it it seems to be working for me as I know put a face on the BEAST and to be honest detaching myself from the equation and trying to look at the matter objectively, from above if you will, is scary. i mean did you ever not be able to see the forest for the trees but can easily see the mistakes of another person? I think when I cam too caught up in this I am a little blind to my own behavior. Seeing alcohol change me and "another" appearing / emerging is maybe allowing me to see the behavior more clearly)

Drink driving could end up with blood on my hands, my own death, wrote off car (Hi we have met before) money problems, police charges. The arrogance of the JOKER when he is highly intoxicate is he thinks his driving is spot on. The arrogance and self delusion is highly dangerous. When the drinking has stopped due to the JOKER going off but the blood alcohol percentage is still way over the legal limit , I somehow start to resurface and I have to drive back home. Sometimes walking around for hours just to try get the levels down FEARING GETTING INTO THE CAR (rightly so) and having to ask for Divine help to "get me back in one piece" and "get me out of this situation". The JOKER feels no fear (drunk over confidence ) but I do

There's been way to many "oh get me out of this and I am done" moments without it being done for good.

The stress of having to wake up and deal with the consequences of the JOKER'S exploits is horrible and just not worth it. Stressed about this puppy now and trying to sell him. Who goes on a bender and comes back with a bull terrier puppy.

Anyway, there is ZERO alcohol in my system. So in theory "I'm out" right? To go back in with just be a bad decision.

Got to view alcohol differently, like an evil magic potion that creates witchcraft inside me and opens up a portal to HELL.

Thesaviour

ooof how do you recognize cravings from sheer agitation? is it one in the same or two different things?

I thought it might be quitting everything cold turkey (worked for me before) and thought to myself am I putting my body through withdrawals of alcohol and nicotine at the same time too much.

I caved and smoked a cigarette came down the stairs and started watery heaving. feeling agitated and over tired.

reminded me of the woody allen joke when he apologized for being snappy and said he had being irritable since quitting smoking....

when asked oh yeah how long has it been?

he replied....about 11 years.

this is where I get confused as not even sure it's alcohol craving or just being irritable and nervous has me thinking I need to reach for something....

ScottFromWI

My personal view on this is that they are 2 different things. Agitation/irritability/pain/anxiety are real feelings that happen as a result of our reaction to real life stimulus - taking care of a puppy, getting laid off from a job, breaking up with an SO, death in the family, crashing your car, etc- all these things happen in our lives whether we want them to or not, and they don't feel good. It is natural for us to feel pain/loss/anxiety/depression.

Craving on the other hand is is a feeling specific to our addiction - and while it's a real feeling, it is illogical. Basically it comes after the natural reaction and tries to make us think that getting drunk or high will somehow make it all better, which is a complete lie of course. And while we can't always stop the feelings from coming on, we can learn to choose our reaction.

dustyfox

I have found irritability is absolute hell to deal with when giving up, previously cigarettes, and more recently alcohol. Irritability is an odd emotion, or is it a feeling, I am not sure. But it's often over looked and not talked about, being a sort of poor relation to all other emotions, but in the past feeling irritable has led me back to cigarettes and alcohol - Now, I still feel irritable and recognise it as a sensory need not an emotional one - that helps - e.g. running my hands under cold water, putting on comfy clothes, having a bath, lying on a bed in silence - all help.

Nonsensical

No.
Persistent alcohol use cause changes in brain chemistry. Turns out sitting around lethargically all the time is bad for survival. You'd get eaten by saber-toothed tigers and stuff. To compensate your brain produces stimulants to keep you alive.
Then you quit drinking.
But your brain keeps over-producing the stimulants. The result - anxiety.
Next up - Anhedonia. (Google anhedonia and alcohol for some info on what comes next.)
It varies, but 90 days seems to be about the average to get the brain chemistry close to normal. You may need more or less time.
Hang on, Friend. The ride is bumpy, but you can do it.

Obladi

The two were nearly indistinguishable for me for quite a long time, TS. That's because my go-to for feeling irritated, uncomfortable, embarrassed, or otherwise plain old unbearable on the inside was to drink. It's sort of like... did you ever mistake hunger for an alcohol craving? I didn't even know I did that until I stopped drinking.

While I was drinking, the word 'craving' meant nothing to me. Even a year and change past my last drink, I don't think that I truly can connect with what other people mean by that word. When I stopped drinking, I learned that there were feelings that some part of me literally believed I could not tolerate. I ain't gonna lie - that was ridiculously hard to live through. For me, it was easier to live through the physical and mental anguish of withdrawal than it was to live through those feelings. But I did it. And I learned a lot about myself - what's important and what's not such a big deal. And I haven't had a bout of anything near that intense for quite a long time. Thank God. It was so worth it.

The way I approached early sobriety (still do, to some extent) is to keep the 'self-denial focus' squarely on alcohol. If I gain some weight (I did) or eat too much crap (I did, in a big way) or if I smoke (I still do), I'm not going to worry about it or beat myself up over it. Those unhealthy habits are waning on their own, which is kind of how I figured it would happen. The Single Most Important thing in my life is to never drink now. That's it. I mean, it's no longer the focus of every waking minute (or even hour) of my life any more, but I think you know what I mean. Nothing matters if I drink. So I don't do that any more. And if all I ever do for the rest of my life is Not Drink, I and the people around me will be much better off than we were when I was drinking.

O

DriGuy

At the risk of sounding cavalier, the answer is "Yes." For me cravings were sheer agitation. But I could also experience sheer agitation without cravings, so the answer could be "No." But the cure for craving alcohol is to quit drinking alcohol. The cure for sheer agitation is to stop being agitated, which may or may not require other strategies. If it's craving based, stop drinking.

But if I would have said, "Sheer agitation has nothing to do with drinking," what would you decide to do? Just keep on drinking? That would be a bad choice. Having two flawed life skills doesn't cancel out both flawed skills so that you need take no action at all. You may need to work on both. I do know from my own experience, that much of seemingly unrelated agitation seemed to dissipate when I quit drinking.

It comes down to this (for me). It's very hard to make wise adjustments to my brain, when I'm drunk, and I think that's true for most of us.

Thesaviour

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=03o0CUZTm7E

Thesaviour

I'm out. thanks to those who offered support.

Bye bye badman.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4ELIXlBV6kw