I get where the drug use is coming from...
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I get where the drug use is coming from...
My situation is difficult to pinpoint.
But I now get (I think) where the drugs are coming from.
I am a savage binger. When I drink I drink obscene amounts like deadly dangerous obscene amounts (think of two bottles of vodka and one rum with copious beers in one short session) then I go looking for drugs. I then do not drink with drugs (a slight lie I may when my mouth gets dry drink one beer) but the alcohol binge is over.
I used to think it was because alcohol depressed me so much that I looked for a) coke to pick me up or b) H to punish me down even further.
Due to my ever present faliour to go to bed and my difficulty with getting alcohol out of my system I realize the drugs are just that: I take them while my system takes the long time to rid me of alcohol (i use an app to see where the blood alcohol level is) then I get clear and......
I seek alcohol on a clear system as I feel so horrible of a person and want to escape my past behorior.
What a trap.
Luck I don't make it back home I suppose.
But I now get (I think) where the drugs are coming from.
I am a savage binger. When I drink I drink obscene amounts like deadly dangerous obscene amounts (think of two bottles of vodka and one rum with copious beers in one short session) then I go looking for drugs. I then do not drink with drugs (a slight lie I may when my mouth gets dry drink one beer) but the alcohol binge is over.
I used to think it was because alcohol depressed me so much that I looked for a) coke to pick me up or b) H to punish me down even further.
Due to my ever present faliour to go to bed and my difficulty with getting alcohol out of my system I realize the drugs are just that: I take them while my system takes the long time to rid me of alcohol (i use an app to see where the blood alcohol level is) then I get clear and......
I seek alcohol on a clear system as I feel so horrible of a person and want to escape my past behorior.
What a trap.
Luck I don't make it back home I suppose.
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I do think it's important to investigate the issues surrounding our addiction, but I personally don't feel that knowing why we use/drink is a prerequisite for quitting. For many years I also tried to figure out why I drank, but looking back I was really trying to fix whatever was wrong so I could go back to drinking normally again.
You are correct that it's a trap of sorts - no matter what your DOC is or the situation surrounding it, but all traps have a solution or an exit strategy. And in most cases we set the trap by our actions - which means we can also choose a different path.
You are correct that it's a trap of sorts - no matter what your DOC is or the situation surrounding it, but all traps have a solution or an exit strategy. And in most cases we set the trap by our actions - which means we can also choose a different path.
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It's important to know why you drink and you seem to have identified that in seeking an escape from you and your past behaviour. If you felt great about yourself and had led a solid, honest life with great behaviour would you drink? Of course you would not no matter what people would have you believe about addiction. So you will need to address why you drink. I go to AA and the steeps are pretty cool for giving you a blank sheet with no past, sounds odd but it's true. Alternatively you can work through it with a counsellor but if you could do it by yourself, you would have done it already. Be safe and treat yourself well, you came out of the womb with a blank sheet, now you need to get another one. Sucks and i wish you didn't have to!
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Originally Posted by Scd619x 
It's important to know why you drink and you seem to have identified that in seeking an escape from you and your past behaviour. If you felt great about yourself and had led a solid, honest life with great behaviour would you drink? Of course you would not no matter what people would have you believe about addiction. So you will need to address why you drink. I go to AA and the steeps are pretty cool for giving you a blank sheet with no past, sounds odd but it's true. Alternatively you can work through it with a counsellor but if you could do it by yourself, you would have done it already. Be safe and treat yourself well, you came out of the womb with a blank sheet, now you need to get another one. Sucks and i wish you didn't have to!
I believe your intentions are good so please don't take my feedback to your response as anything personal as it's not. I'm responding to the content of the message. To work things out right? I simply must respond to the content of your message as I believe the content contains a lot of logical fallacies. So for the sake of coherency allow me quickly address some of the content. I think it's fundamental to attempt to be coherent. do you agree on this point?
"If you felt great about yourself and had led a solid, honest life with great behaviour would you drink? Of course you would not no matter what people would have you believe about addiction." From an objective point of view :This is a logical fallacy and simply an untrue statement. The logical fallacy here is a sweeping generalization. Trying to understand where you are coming from with such a sweeping generalization, and trying to understand you, I would guess this is coming from "the character defect" philosophy. Basically you are claiming everyone here on this forum and anyone else who may have an addiction or two, developed their (our ) addictions because they have led a dishonest life with poor behavior which led them (us ) to developing an addiction. This is just plain WRONG and must be pointed out for the sake of coherency.
From a subjective point of view: You know nothing about the life I have lived our my levels of integrity (which you seem to claim I have no integrity and this has been the cause of me developing addictions. Addictions can and do bring out the worst in people. It's the addiction which leads to a loss of integrity, not the lack of integrity that leads to addiction. (a turning point for many will be when you can no longer look at the man in the mirror as you have compromised your own integrity)
"but if you could do it by yourself, you would have done it already" Now if you are referring to quitting an addiction by oneself then this is another logical fallacy. Off the top of my head this is the false dilemma (pretty common one used by politicians and "oppressed groups".
There is only one person who can end an addiction permanently: the man in the mirror. There is nobody coming. nobody is going to run to take the bottle from my lips or stop the H or the C from going up my nose. Nobody. That's up to me.
If you are referring to not being able to do the AA steps on my own, ok well that's a lot of assumption. Assuming I would have any interest in doing them. (I have / am considering AA so this is in no way a knock on AA or anything. But AA won't stop me from drinking or drugging. That's up to me. Again I am not knocking AA as I think it could be good for me to meet people in the same boat and maybe even more importantly to find a place where I can work on giving and helping others, but the decision to quite an addiction permanently resides in me. I started this, I maintained this and I will end it.
"Sucks and i wish you didn't have to!"
The mindset I a will face this with will akin to starting a new adventure an opportunity for growth.
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Originally Posted by ScottFromWI
I do think it's important to investigate the issues surrounding our addiction, but I personally don't feel that knowing why we use/drink is a prerequisite for quitting. For many years I also tried to figure out why I drank, but looking back I was really trying to fix whatever was wrong so I could go back to drinking normally again.
You are correct that it's a trap of sorts - no matter what your DOC is or the situation surrounding it, but all traps have a solution or an exit strategy. And in most cases we set the trap by our actions - which means we can also choose a different path.
You are correct that it's a trap of sorts - no matter what your DOC is or the situation surrounding it, but all traps have a solution or an exit strategy. And in most cases we set the trap by our actions - which means we can also choose a different path.
I think you are correct in saying it's not necessary to know why you started a bad habit (to put it mildly) in order to put an end to it. I can point blank refuse to drink alcohol anymore (the gateway drug) simply because I'm tired of the problems it's bringing (and there is just zero pleasure anymore, which I deluded myself into thinking . This was a false belief. i think this time around there are another half dozen reasons to add to the list, one being that it is absolutely boring.
And I admit to being guilty of what you stated there too at end of first paragraph: looking for ways to "fix the why's" and return to drinking in a few years. I could never understand that future drinking record playing around my mind when I was perfectly happy on my teetotal streaks. Rational recovery was the first time I heard that addressed.
however, I've a few "dragons" that have developed and was baffled by some of my behavior as it really was a beast that came out. "you're a lovely fella when you are not drinking" was a statement from my ex. Which was nice in one way but hurt in another as the beast behavior really did wreck a lot of opportunities.
She knew me. Unfortunately I let the toxic words of a family member who I am not close with enter my head insisting (uninvited insisting) that I was bipolar (she is, so she thought she would helpfully give a diagnose. That has been proven to be incorrect and I wasted a lot of time and energy letting that person enter my head (that's down on me and that was a boundary issue which needed shoring up)
journalling and working somethings out has been helpful in helping me to devise a plan of action and set up some correct goals . Aiming for the correct target.
And yes the traps can be avoided.
“Know the enemy and know yourself; in a hundred battles you will never be in peril. When you are ignorant of the enemy, but know yourself, your chances of winning or losing are equal. If ignorant both of your enemy and yourself, you are certain in every battle to be in peril.”
― Sun Tzu, The Art of War
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Many nights I could've sworn on a lie detector that I was only going to drink. No way, no how will I do drugs tonight. Friends would joke and we would refer to me by a different first name once I start drinking. Once I start drinking its like handing my license, my bank card, and my car over to a complete stranger.
How many times I tried to solve this riddle of how I can drink and be sure I won't do drugs. I didn't do drugs every time I drank the thing was I never knew what would happen. My drug of choice once drinking was crack cocaine. At a young age I figured out that powder was a pain in the neck. Not that I wouldn't do powder. To some it was socially acceptable. Only low lives smoke crack. I use to laugh about people wasting money on powder like they are doing coke and somehow superior. Once I smoke crack alcohol was on the back burner. Then it becomes how to come down. I guess optimally I would do a line of heroin with a little bit of crack left. Drift into it sort of and then do a little more heroin once the crack was gone. A couple of times I injected. I did enjoy it but my main goal was to escape the misery of coming off crack. Many times I took perc, oxy, or whatever. Anything to make it stop.
It was actually long before the opiate crisis I quit crack for years. Came down hard too many times. Once I got drunk and discovered vicodin it went from this is kind of fun to oh look a license to smoke crack and not have to feel like that. Once I got the taste of crack again that was it. I use to think it would be impossible for me to end up like Morrison, Joplin, Farley etc.
We all have character defects, even church going people that don't drink or drug. Humans have so many built in desires and behaviors that are necessary for our survival. With us these things get out of balance. This is step 4 stuff, don't worry about it yet. One day at a time.
I was a functioning alcoholic for decades. Honest and hard working. By the end of drinking my career was in serious jeopardy. I was facing felony drug, dwi, other charges. Besides that a few months earlier a life long friend, one of the best friends i ever had died from an OD. I was surrendered. My way wasn't working. I just threw away everything I thought I knew and took in AA. Spirituality, that too. Just started over with how I think the World could have been created and what kind of God just might be in charge. I felt so much stress and pressure come off my shoulders. Just like the ease and comfort of the first several drinks I no longer cared. Not that I didn't care about life, I no longer cared about my stupid expectations of what I thought life should be. I was ready to roll with whatever this higher power had in store and make the best of it.
The thing with AA, those of us with high intelliintelligence, a career, good health, supporting ourselves can be some of the most difficult. Its good that we are independent but our trouble is we run on self will. Like we try and rest satisfaction out of this World instead of going with the flow and sometimes it kills us.
Once I opened my mind to AA things started to look up.
How many times I tried to solve this riddle of how I can drink and be sure I won't do drugs. I didn't do drugs every time I drank the thing was I never knew what would happen. My drug of choice once drinking was crack cocaine. At a young age I figured out that powder was a pain in the neck. Not that I wouldn't do powder. To some it was socially acceptable. Only low lives smoke crack. I use to laugh about people wasting money on powder like they are doing coke and somehow superior. Once I smoke crack alcohol was on the back burner. Then it becomes how to come down. I guess optimally I would do a line of heroin with a little bit of crack left. Drift into it sort of and then do a little more heroin once the crack was gone. A couple of times I injected. I did enjoy it but my main goal was to escape the misery of coming off crack. Many times I took perc, oxy, or whatever. Anything to make it stop.
It was actually long before the opiate crisis I quit crack for years. Came down hard too many times. Once I got drunk and discovered vicodin it went from this is kind of fun to oh look a license to smoke crack and not have to feel like that. Once I got the taste of crack again that was it. I use to think it would be impossible for me to end up like Morrison, Joplin, Farley etc.
We all have character defects, even church going people that don't drink or drug. Humans have so many built in desires and behaviors that are necessary for our survival. With us these things get out of balance. This is step 4 stuff, don't worry about it yet. One day at a time.
I was a functioning alcoholic for decades. Honest and hard working. By the end of drinking my career was in serious jeopardy. I was facing felony drug, dwi, other charges. Besides that a few months earlier a life long friend, one of the best friends i ever had died from an OD. I was surrendered. My way wasn't working. I just threw away everything I thought I knew and took in AA. Spirituality, that too. Just started over with how I think the World could have been created and what kind of God just might be in charge. I felt so much stress and pressure come off my shoulders. Just like the ease and comfort of the first several drinks I no longer cared. Not that I didn't care about life, I no longer cared about my stupid expectations of what I thought life should be. I was ready to roll with whatever this higher power had in store and make the best of it.
The thing with AA, those of us with high intelliintelligence, a career, good health, supporting ourselves can be some of the most difficult. Its good that we are independent but our trouble is we run on self will. Like we try and rest satisfaction out of this World instead of going with the flow and sometimes it kills us.
Once I opened my mind to AA things started to look up.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
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The thing is that nobody knows all the little intricacies, peculiarities and patterns of my individual addiction history better than me, the individual who is playing the staring role in this story of personal self destruction and demise and hopefully redemption, renewal and the rebuilding recovery. It's etched inside of me, in the very fabric of my being like it was carved into my skull. But there's catch. My physical eyes perched on their stalks can only look outward by their very nature. Thus the issue is and always will be how to access this MAP. One could say it needs to be accessed by a third eye. The one that can see inside. Insight. Insight reveals the inner map and thus could permit me to take control of the writing of the rest of the story.To steer the story towards a more favorable or least redeeming outcome. At least that's what appears to be at play here which could be put to the test brutally or favorably as soon as today.
This is not an easy task and is one which is usually thrust upon a third party such as a therapist who attempts to elicit the map from the individual's inner workings. Like as if by using a drone. Or sometimes why bother just give the individual what apparently worked for someone else.
I have tried to develop insight by journalling events . A lot of writing but sometimes the findings were not so accurate. Hits and misses, trials and errors.
Sometimes they have been (or it least appeared to be as I was able to get a desired result.) Like the break up my ex from over a year ago. From being stuck in confusion and painfully and bitterly not being able to move on to now arriving not only at acceptance but a place of good will and an authentic desire for healing and happiness for both parties. A huge degree of trial and error. Nonetheless, something has shifted for the better. I'm moving on. A shift in energy.
So here we are. Do I think that I will be able to steer myself out of this rabbit's warren and to a safety point and liberation from slavery.
Let's see it's just about to be put the test as I have no choice but to return to the drugs underworld and "that neighborhood" as the girl that I picked up from there and brought home with me is sleeping it off as I write. I "know" her she is a heroin and cocaine user (smoker of both) and earns her drug money on the streets. She was happy to share with what I had got and stashed away to bring back to mine. She was the only one I was making an exception for to deviate from the plan of returning home with a quantity alone. And she just happened to pop into the narco flat. I have to drive her back and I don't plan on having alcohol in my system when I go back there NOR do I plan on buying any drugs. I plan on dropping her off, turning the car around and driving home and waving adios to that neighborhood and goodbye to the rabbit warren and this whole episode.
Can I do it and walk away for good or will my "insight" blow up in my face.
During this relapse (choice to foolishly restart drinking again after nearly six months of freedom) I was drinking dangerously high levels all through the night and then fearing going to bed because the torture of not going into a deep sleep and having to deal with a devastating hangover /withdraws. When I knew the end of the session was approaching I was polluted, falling into a drunken depression and feeling suicidal. Listening to the worst depressing music mostly from singers who had done away with themselves either by suicide or OD Ian Curtis,Lane Stanely wishing to follow suite. At that point I didn't care and made the decision to go out and get drugs and perhaps take a very big dose of heroin as it seemed the easiest way to sail away.
I didn't realize that I didn't want to die I just felt that way from being polluted and not being able to deal with the negative carnival spinning around in my head.
A so that's why I was doing it? Can i do it and transition out smoothly from alcohol depression to almost self medicating LIBRIUM style (by the time the drugs run out.....the alcohol has left the system and I can walk away..........stratgically planned I am transitioning now with very small doses of he smoothing the ride and the alcohol leaving the system (alcohol was 6 hours gone when I had a beer. That will be out of the system by the time we are driving into that neighborhood . Can I drop her off and walk away from the craps table? steering myself out of the rabbit's den and onto permanent abstinence?
let's ee
This is not an easy task and is one which is usually thrust upon a third party such as a therapist who attempts to elicit the map from the individual's inner workings. Like as if by using a drone. Or sometimes why bother just give the individual what apparently worked for someone else.
I have tried to develop insight by journalling events . A lot of writing but sometimes the findings were not so accurate. Hits and misses, trials and errors.
Sometimes they have been (or it least appeared to be as I was able to get a desired result.) Like the break up my ex from over a year ago. From being stuck in confusion and painfully and bitterly not being able to move on to now arriving not only at acceptance but a place of good will and an authentic desire for healing and happiness for both parties. A huge degree of trial and error. Nonetheless, something has shifted for the better. I'm moving on. A shift in energy.
So here we are. Do I think that I will be able to steer myself out of this rabbit's warren and to a safety point and liberation from slavery.
Let's see it's just about to be put the test as I have no choice but to return to the drugs underworld and "that neighborhood" as the girl that I picked up from there and brought home with me is sleeping it off as I write. I "know" her she is a heroin and cocaine user (smoker of both) and earns her drug money on the streets. She was happy to share with what I had got and stashed away to bring back to mine. She was the only one I was making an exception for to deviate from the plan of returning home with a quantity alone. And she just happened to pop into the narco flat. I have to drive her back and I don't plan on having alcohol in my system when I go back there NOR do I plan on buying any drugs. I plan on dropping her off, turning the car around and driving home and waving adios to that neighborhood and goodbye to the rabbit warren and this whole episode.
Can I do it and walk away for good or will my "insight" blow up in my face.
During this relapse (choice to foolishly restart drinking again after nearly six months of freedom) I was drinking dangerously high levels all through the night and then fearing going to bed because the torture of not going into a deep sleep and having to deal with a devastating hangover /withdraws. When I knew the end of the session was approaching I was polluted, falling into a drunken depression and feeling suicidal. Listening to the worst depressing music mostly from singers who had done away with themselves either by suicide or OD Ian Curtis,Lane Stanely wishing to follow suite. At that point I didn't care and made the decision to go out and get drugs and perhaps take a very big dose of heroin as it seemed the easiest way to sail away.
I didn't realize that I didn't want to die I just felt that way from being polluted and not being able to deal with the negative carnival spinning around in my head.
A so that's why I was doing it? Can i do it and transition out smoothly from alcohol depression to almost self medicating LIBRIUM style (by the time the drugs run out.....the alcohol has left the system and I can walk away..........stratgically planned I am transitioning now with very small doses of he smoothing the ride and the alcohol leaving the system (alcohol was 6 hours gone when I had a beer. That will be out of the system by the time we are driving into that neighborhood . Can I drop her off and walk away from the craps table? steering myself out of the rabbit's den and onto permanent abstinence?
let's ee
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Originally Posted by RecklessDrunk
Many nights I could've sworn on a lie detector that I was only going to drink. No way, no how will I do drugs tonight. Friends would joke and we would refer to me by a different first name once I start drinking. Once I start drinking its like handing my license, my bank card, and my car over to a complete stranger.
How many times I tried to solve this riddle of how I can drink and be sure I won't do drugs. I didn't do drugs every time I drank the thing was I never knew what would happen. My drug of choice once drinking was crack cocaine. At a young age I figured out that powder was a pain in the neck. Not that I wouldn't do powder. To some it was socially acceptable. Only low lives smoke crack. I use to laugh about people wasting money on powder like they are doing coke and somehow superior. Once I smoke crack alcohol was on the back burner. Then it becomes how to come down. I guess optimally I would do a line of heroin with a little bit of crack left. Drift into it sort of and then do a little more heroin once the crack was gone. A couple of times I injected. I did enjoy it but my main goal was to escape the misery of coming off crack. Many times I took perc, oxy, or whatever. Anything to make it stop.
It was actually long before the opiate crisis I quit crack for years. Came down hard too many times. Once I got drunk and discovered vicodin it went from this is kind of fun to oh look a license to smoke crack and not have to feel like that. Once I got the taste of crack again that was it. I use to think it would be impossible for me to end up like Morrison, Joplin, Farley etc.
We all have character defects, even church going people that don't drink or drug. Humans have so many built in desires and behaviors that are necessary for our survival. With us these things get out of balance. This is step 4 stuff, don't worry about it yet. One day at a time.
I was a functioning alcoholic for decades. Honest and hard working. By the end of drinking my career was in serious jeopardy. I was facing felony drug, dwi, other charges. Besides that a few months earlier a life long friend, one of the best friends i ever had died from an OD. I was surrendered. My way wasn't working. I just threw away everything I thought I knew and took in AA. Spirituality, that too. Just started over with how I think the World could have been created and what kind of God just might be in charge. I felt so much stress and pressure come off my shoulders. Just like the ease and comfort of the first several drinks I no longer cared. Not that I didn't care about life, I no longer cared about my stupid expectations of what I thought life should be. I was ready to roll with whatever this higher power had in store and make the best of it.
The thing with AA, those of us with high intelliintelligence, a career, good health, supporting ourselves can be some of the most difficult. Its good that we are independent but our trouble is we run on self will. Like we try and rest satisfaction out of this World instead of going with the flow and sometimes it kills us.
Once I opened my mind to AA things started to look up.
How many times I tried to solve this riddle of how I can drink and be sure I won't do drugs. I didn't do drugs every time I drank the thing was I never knew what would happen. My drug of choice once drinking was crack cocaine. At a young age I figured out that powder was a pain in the neck. Not that I wouldn't do powder. To some it was socially acceptable. Only low lives smoke crack. I use to laugh about people wasting money on powder like they are doing coke and somehow superior. Once I smoke crack alcohol was on the back burner. Then it becomes how to come down. I guess optimally I would do a line of heroin with a little bit of crack left. Drift into it sort of and then do a little more heroin once the crack was gone. A couple of times I injected. I did enjoy it but my main goal was to escape the misery of coming off crack. Many times I took perc, oxy, or whatever. Anything to make it stop.
It was actually long before the opiate crisis I quit crack for years. Came down hard too many times. Once I got drunk and discovered vicodin it went from this is kind of fun to oh look a license to smoke crack and not have to feel like that. Once I got the taste of crack again that was it. I use to think it would be impossible for me to end up like Morrison, Joplin, Farley etc.
We all have character defects, even church going people that don't drink or drug. Humans have so many built in desires and behaviors that are necessary for our survival. With us these things get out of balance. This is step 4 stuff, don't worry about it yet. One day at a time.
I was a functioning alcoholic for decades. Honest and hard working. By the end of drinking my career was in serious jeopardy. I was facing felony drug, dwi, other charges. Besides that a few months earlier a life long friend, one of the best friends i ever had died from an OD. I was surrendered. My way wasn't working. I just threw away everything I thought I knew and took in AA. Spirituality, that too. Just started over with how I think the World could have been created and what kind of God just might be in charge. I felt so much stress and pressure come off my shoulders. Just like the ease and comfort of the first several drinks I no longer cared. Not that I didn't care about life, I no longer cared about my stupid expectations of what I thought life should be. I was ready to roll with whatever this higher power had in store and make the best of it.
The thing with AA, those of us with high intelliintelligence, a career, good health, supporting ourselves can be some of the most difficult. Its good that we are independent but our trouble is we run on self will. Like we try and rest satisfaction out of this World instead of going with the flow and sometimes it kills us.
Once I opened my mind to AA things started to look up.
Again I have to decipher the sideways manner the AA people talk to others but from what I can translate from this the poster is basically telling me yada yada yada stop trusting in your own intelligence yada yada yada your own intelligence will kill you yada yada yada hand your will over to AA yada yada yada
Let me state something : I WAS CONSIDERING AA AS A SUPPORT SYSTEM BUT THE AA POSTERS WHO HAVE SIDEWAYS RESPONDED HAVE PUT ME OFF.
wtf has the rest of the pontification have to do with me?
Everybody has defects even church going people? no way really? I didn't know that I thought people who went to church were perfect that's why I start going myself! I thought their perfectionism would rub off on me!! how wrong I was luck I have this poster to point out the bleeding obvious.
Quitting a substance has nothing to do with getting rid of character defects or not. You become addicted to something by doing it enough times or by consuming it enough times. Becoming a saint won't stop that.
Step 4 stuff? I don't care about any of that. if I did go to AA it would be 1) for entertainment purposes 2) to meet people in same boat 3) maybe as a reminder 4) maybe even eventually help others
I don't believe in their philosophy neither do I care about their steps. I forgot about their way of communicating which I don't care too much for either so thanks for reminding me.
don't worry about it now? I'm not. nor will I in the future
One day at a time? Nah we are animals that make sacrifices today for a better future. as far as quitting a substance goes, the one day at a time approach doesn't work for me. Quit it leave it in the past and get on with life.
It's what's happening now.
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Join Date: Feb 2021
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Originally Posted by Thesaviour
The thing is that nobody knows all the little intricacies, peculiarities and patterns of my individual addiction history better than me, the individual who is playing the staring role in this story of personal self destruction and demise and hopefully redemption, renewal and the rebuilding recovery. It's etched inside of me, in the very fabric of my being like it was carved into my skull. But there's catch. My physical eyes perched on their stalks can only look outward by their very nature. Thus the issue is and always will be how to access this MAP. One could say it needs to be accessed by a third eye. The one that can see inside. Insight. Insight reveals the inner map and thus could permit me to take control of the writing of the rest of the story.To steer the story towards a more favorable or least redeeming outcome. At least that's what appears to be at play here which could be put to the test brutally or favorably as soon as today.
This is not an easy task and is one which is usually thrust upon a third party such as a therapist who attempts to elicit the map from the individual's inner workings. Like as if by using a drone. Or sometimes why bother just give the individual what apparently worked for someone else.
I have tried to develop insight by journalling events . A lot of writing but sometimes the findings were not so accurate. Hits and misses, trials and errors.
Sometimes they have been (or it least appeared to be as I was able to get a desired result.) Like the break up my ex from over a year ago. From being stuck in confusion and painfully and bitterly not being able to move on to now arriving not only at acceptance but a place of good will and an authentic desire for healing and happiness for both parties. A huge degree of trial and error. Nonetheless, something has shifted for the better. I'm moving on. A shift in energy.
So here we are. Do I think that I will be able to steer myself out of this rabbit's warren and to a safety point and liberation from slavery.
Let's see it's just about to be put the test as I have no choice but to return to the drugs underworld and "that neighborhood" as the girl that I picked up from there and brought home with me is sleeping it off as I write. I "know" her she is a heroin and cocaine user (smoker of both) and earns her drug money on the streets. She was happy to share with what I had got and stashed away to bring back to mine. She was the only one I was making an exception for to deviate from the plan of returning home with a quantity alone. And she just happened to pop into the narco flat. I have to drive her back and I don't plan on having alcohol in my system when I go back there NOR do I plan on buying any drugs. I plan on dropping her off, turning the car around and driving home and waving adios to that neighborhood and goodbye to the rabbit warren and this whole episode.
Can I do it and walk away for good or will my "insight" blow up in my face.
During this relapse (choice to foolishly restart drinking again after nearly six months of freedom) I was drinking dangerously high levels all through the night and then fearing going to bed because the torture of not going into a deep sleep and having to deal with a devastating hangover /withdraws. When I knew the end of the session was approaching I was polluted, falling into a drunken depression and feeling suicidal. Listening to the worst depressing music mostly from singers who had done away with themselves either by suicide or OD Ian Curtis,Lane Stanely wishing to follow suite. At that point I didn't care and made the decision to go out and get drugs and perhaps take a very big dose of heroin as it seemed the easiest way to sail away.
I didn't realize that I didn't want to die I just felt that way from being polluted and not being able to deal with the negative carnival spinning around in my head.
A so that's why I was doing it? Can i do it and transition out smoothly from alcohol depression to almost self medicating LIBRIUM style (by the time the drugs run out.....the alcohol has left the system and I can walk away..........stratgically planned I am transitioning now with very small doses of he smoothing the ride and the alcohol leaving the system (alcohol was 6 hours gone when I had a beer. That will be out of the system by the time we are driving into that neighborhood . Can I drop her off and walk away from the craps table? steering myself out of the rabbit's den and onto permanent abstinence?
let's ee
This is not an easy task and is one which is usually thrust upon a third party such as a therapist who attempts to elicit the map from the individual's inner workings. Like as if by using a drone. Or sometimes why bother just give the individual what apparently worked for someone else.
I have tried to develop insight by journalling events . A lot of writing but sometimes the findings were not so accurate. Hits and misses, trials and errors.
Sometimes they have been (or it least appeared to be as I was able to get a desired result.) Like the break up my ex from over a year ago. From being stuck in confusion and painfully and bitterly not being able to move on to now arriving not only at acceptance but a place of good will and an authentic desire for healing and happiness for both parties. A huge degree of trial and error. Nonetheless, something has shifted for the better. I'm moving on. A shift in energy.
So here we are. Do I think that I will be able to steer myself out of this rabbit's warren and to a safety point and liberation from slavery.
Let's see it's just about to be put the test as I have no choice but to return to the drugs underworld and "that neighborhood" as the girl that I picked up from there and brought home with me is sleeping it off as I write. I "know" her she is a heroin and cocaine user (smoker of both) and earns her drug money on the streets. She was happy to share with what I had got and stashed away to bring back to mine. She was the only one I was making an exception for to deviate from the plan of returning home with a quantity alone. And she just happened to pop into the narco flat. I have to drive her back and I don't plan on having alcohol in my system when I go back there NOR do I plan on buying any drugs. I plan on dropping her off, turning the car around and driving home and waving adios to that neighborhood and goodbye to the rabbit warren and this whole episode.
Can I do it and walk away for good or will my "insight" blow up in my face.
During this relapse (choice to foolishly restart drinking again after nearly six months of freedom) I was drinking dangerously high levels all through the night and then fearing going to bed because the torture of not going into a deep sleep and having to deal with a devastating hangover /withdraws. When I knew the end of the session was approaching I was polluted, falling into a drunken depression and feeling suicidal. Listening to the worst depressing music mostly from singers who had done away with themselves either by suicide or OD Ian Curtis,Lane Stanely wishing to follow suite. At that point I didn't care and made the decision to go out and get drugs and perhaps take a very big dose of heroin as it seemed the easiest way to sail away.
I didn't realize that I didn't want to die I just felt that way from being polluted and not being able to deal with the negative carnival spinning around in my head.
A so that's why I was doing it? Can i do it and transition out smoothly from alcohol depression to almost self medicating LIBRIUM style (by the time the drugs run out.....the alcohol has left the system and I can walk away..........stratgically planned I am transitioning now with very small doses of he smoothing the ride and the alcohol leaving the system (alcohol was 6 hours gone when I had a beer. That will be out of the system by the time we are driving into that neighborhood . Can I drop her off and walk away from the craps table? steering myself out of the rabbit's den and onto permanent abstinence?
let's ee
IT'S DONE FOR GOOD.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
Originally Posted by least
I saw no 'attacks' in RestlessDrunk's post. I think it was meant to be helpful and supportive.
Are you looking for a fight?
Are you looking for a fight?
I am not surprised you didn't see any. That's ok, that just means your cannot spot ad hominem attacks. Especially passive aggressive ones.
Am I looking for a fight?
Am I not allowed to respond?
Are you looking for a fight?
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
Everyone tries to help in their own way sharing their own experience.
I'm not sure what you saw here either TS but you can always use the ignore function if you feel some posters are not helpful.
Peace out...y'know?
Dee
Administrator
SR
I'm not sure what you saw here either TS but you can always use the ignore function if you feel some posters are not helpful.
Peace out...y'know?
Dee
Administrator
SR
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Posts: 134
ok DEE no worries mate. Go ahead and delete my account.
It was a mistake to respond to this thread.
Ironically I came to start a new one (about my planned phases plan) writing them in a teetotal state (I am on what I call phase zero: clear out and clean and move) I started this thread not in a teetotal place.
I'm getting more negativety from this board in a teetotal state now.
y'all taking side and asking the side you don't agree with "are you looking for a fight" tells me y'all are looking for a fight as your paradigm or your friend is being (in your mind) attacked.
No worries. I see how this ends
It was a mistake to respond to this thread.
Ironically I came to start a new one (about my planned phases plan) writing them in a teetotal state (I am on what I call phase zero: clear out and clean and move) I started this thread not in a teetotal place.
I'm getting more negativety from this board in a teetotal state now.
y'all taking side and asking the side you don't agree with "are you looking for a fight" tells me y'all are looking for a fight as your paradigm or your friend is being (in your mind) attacked.
No worries. I see how this ends
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
I have no desire to ban you TS.
I do recognise ad hominem attacks and passive aggressiveness - but I also know to an extent those things can be subjective.
Even if I or others can't see them, I understand you feel you're seeing those things.
I was very fragile and just out of a binge when I first came to SR and some peoples approach rubbed me up the wrong way (no one on this thread btw)
.
I realised later that I was beating myself up so much I expected other people to do the same.
I'm just sharing that in an empathic way - I don't know if its helpful to you or whether you feel it applies to you or not.
If you want me to close the thread just let me know..
D
I do recognise ad hominem attacks and passive aggressiveness - but I also know to an extent those things can be subjective.
Even if I or others can't see them, I understand you feel you're seeing those things.
I was very fragile and just out of a binge when I first came to SR and some peoples approach rubbed me up the wrong way (no one on this thread btw)
.
I realised later that I was beating myself up so much I expected other people to do the same.
I'm just sharing that in an empathic way - I don't know if its helpful to you or whether you feel it applies to you or not.
If you want me to close the thread just let me know..
D
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