Tonotel

Hi. I’ve been drinking for 30 years and in those 30 years I stopped once for several months. Those several months helped me a lot with eliminating certain negative things like depression and Gerd and especially cravings. In my 50s I can’t drink like I was in my 20s but I still do occasionally drink but reduced it drastically to maybe once a month. It’s great not to have cravings so drinking is not a priority for me. However, when it’s Friday night and your friend is calling you to the bar it’s hard to resist because staying at home watching TV is not something you can do forever. So the desire to go out and drink is about being social and the only way I know how to be social and meet people is to go to the bar. So my question to you is: what can you do in place of going to a bar on a Friday or Saturday night? I do not want to hear “read a book“ Or “ride a bike” type responses because who rides a bike or reads a book on a Friday night when you want to go out and socialize? What are some of your suggestions? I wish drinking wasn’t such a socially acceptable phenomenon. Thanks.

Dee74

I often read books on a Friday night but that's neither here nor there, lol

When I quit most of my friends were the same kind of drinkers I was.
Now I'm sober my friends circle are either like me and don't drink at all, or drink one or two - those mythical normal drinkers.

I drank to the point I was ready to do anything, change anything not to drink.
So my life changed.

I thought giving up drinking would be an ordeal or a deprivation but it fact it opened me up to a new life I enjoy immensely way more than my old drinking life

I avoided going out for a while and personally I was glad to do so.
I needed to put clear distance between who I had been and who I wanted to be.

I'm male and a musician so I'm sometimes around drinkers but that's ok - now I can go anywhere and do anything. I prefer not drinking

I don't go out every Friday night - I don't want to - but when I do I know I'll have a good time, the night won't be about how wasted I or my friends get and I'll come home sober.

Haris2014

It’s quite hard at first but you can still go out, you just need to break the association between socialising and drinking...it’s quite unfathomable for a drinker but most folks don’t need alcohol or expect it when socialising. I go out to bars, pubs and restaurants with friends still, I just don’t drink alcohol. These days it’s perfectly acceptable to have a N/A beer or a soft drink.

Scd619x

That is a very difficult question to answer! By the time i was ready to stop drinking i was not drinking in a social setting anymore, and i had no friends left to go to the bar with! I go to AA and have met a tonne of people all at different stages and with different patterns of drinking. If someone is avoiding going to the bar at the weekend to socialise then they usually throw themselves into the relationship they have, accept they can't go and fairly miserably sit at home doing something to occupy their time, go to AA meetings to keep occupied, take up a new hobby, or go for very long drives!

There isn't really a plan B that will give you what you get from Plan A. You have to be very sick of drinking indeed and it to be badly affecting your life to head towards Plan B imo.

I'm assuming that your friends aren't going to let you sit with them all night drinking coffee or coke? New friends might but established drinking friends, not so much.

Surrendered19

You can drink on one Friday per month with no consequences, and you want to drink the other Fridays and Saturdays of the month too, but you are concerned about that. So in an effort to avoid that road, you want suggestions on what to do those nights, but no suggestions allowed about non-drinking alternatives like reading or riding bikes?

DriGuy

I don't think about what to do an Friday night anymore. I just do what I want, but whatever I decide doesn't include alcohol. I've been dry for years, so it really doesn't apply to what you are asking. But let me put it in your context when I finally quit, but with a spoiler - You are not going to like this because it violates your requirement about what you don't want to hear:

I went to AA meetings. I did the same thing on New Years Eve. I'm not making this up. I replaced my drunk social life with a sober social life, and I did that 7 nights a week. But unlike you at this particular moment, I wanted desperately to have a sober social life, and that simply was not available in the bars. If you get sober, and I'm not saying you should, you may find something as similar will work for you. Total sobriety requires big changes in your life, probably your social life more than anything if you are a social person.

Aellyce

I've also had the occasional binge drinking pattern in the last 10 years or so. Before that, when I got into drinking heavily, I was a daily drinking for a couple years, but that never "worked" for me, so I had managed to reduce the frequency a lot and stay with that more or less, but never the quantity (once I started drinking). My drinking during this past decade has not been social though in terms of going out, but almost exclusively solo indulgence at home - while most often I would "socialize" online. You post has reminded me of how difficult has been for me as well to break the drinking for good, while I still maintain a similar kind of virtual social life... for example, this year, it was almost 100% some kind of old, ingrained virtual trigger that got me. While I definitely believe specific triggers exist, perhaps especially for those of us who drink more rarely (vs. everyday maintenance), but it's still us making the decision to engage in the triggering situations, and then to follow the resulting urge to get and swallow alcohol. I know how hard it is though, because it's become almost a sort of co-addiction for me, the drinking and virtual interactions. Still do the latter and just keep procrastinating putting a clean end to it because it's so tempting, a huge habit, and often still pleasant in the moment even without alcohol... but the urges do come with it.

I agree with the others' suggestions that the simplest (and probably even easiest) solution would be changing dramatically those lifestyle habits associated with drinking, including how we socialize. I'm personally doing well right now as I'm on vacation in an environment that is radically different from everything I have done before, and am also doing it 3D with a few other people - this socializing has become very unusual for me in the last 10 years, and even before I would do almost all of my vacations either solo or with one person only - I believe it's part of the reason I don't even think about drinking beyond some very weak, quickly passing thoughts right now. The real challenge will come when I return to my normal environment in a few weeks, but I know I'll have to change my lifestyle also there dramatically, and it will be better (probably essential) not to procrastinate cutting the critical virtual habits any longer.

For me, finding real life non-drinkers, and people who don't care much about drinking, won't be hard as those have already been my standard social circles - I usually find friends via work or shared interests, and my interests/favorite hobbies have never been tied to drinking/drugging much, not the real life ones. Maybe try a form of that? Do you have hobbies? Maybe some sports? I usually love to learn and master new things and have met plenty of cool people that way. We talk about and do things focused on those activities, and while some of them might like to drink, it just never really enters the specific interactions. There are so many engaging things one can do that involve going out with other people, without alcohol involved. Again, I know how hard it is to break these associations though, I feel it takes just as much effort as not drinking itself, including mustering up and keeping the initial motivation.

I wish the best to both of us to overcome these challenges stably, but it'll take much more than merely wishing! So, my response to the "void" issue (if it's just boredom and not some more serious psychological problems) is to find and fill it with new things that you find interesting, rewarding and stimulating. I like the program of SMART Recovery and it has a whole section designated to this, to changing our lifestyle. Maybe check it out, there are some cool tools for planning it and experimenting. You don't even necessarily need to attend meetings to learn about it, just read the relevant section in their Handbook, although discussing how others do this at meetings can be useful, if you follow up and do the work yourself.

Tonotel

I tried before to hang out at bars with buddies and drink non-alcoholic drinks. That was difficult. The other issue is that even my own buddy would tease me saying that I wasn’t spending money in the bar. I suppose I could have certain nonalcoholic drinks and then just reduce the time in the bar since not spending money in a bar is frowned upon.

Tonotel

Now that you mention it, maybe I should ride my bike on a Friday night sometime. Who knows. It might turn into an adventure. As long as I don’t get run over by a drunk driver lol.

I guess my question deals with how I would spend weekend nights if I practiced total abstinence (my ultimate goal). I apologize for not making that clear in my original post. Thanks for the clarification.

Mizz

I'm not sure what suggestions will be applicable?

I'm exhausted by Friday evening (work) so going out is not really something I want to do. On Saturdays I walk with my friends sometimes. We walk to the local coffee shop and catch up on life. With COVID taking over the world I really try to keep my distance from gatherings of people during my personal time. There really is too much going on. We are in very different times.

That being said:
Coffee shops
Golfing
Walking
A painting class
dancing class
Pottery class
Play cards
Play board games
take up tennis

There are so many things to do in life where the bar is not the focus. I know you can find something that is enjoyable and worthy of your time while you maintain your sobriety. Maybe finding some non drinking friends?

Tonotel

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I will take into account what you said.

doggonecarl

Then maybe it is about the drinking and not about the socialization.

Take it from an old bar hound, there is life after sobriety. If there was a void in my life, it was all the time I spent with my arse parked on a bar stool.

Anna

There are lots of ways to socialize on weekends that don't involve drinking. You might have to make some changes to your life to support your recovery, but it would be worth it.

Hodd

This won’t be my most helpful response ever. Sorry, Tonotel, you’ve asked a very valid question, and you should be applauded for realising you need to do something about your drinking. I drank every day for 30 or so years, and to quit was amongst the hardest things I ever did.

On the plus side, it sounds like you’ve cut right down and don’t drink much plus you mentioned the goal of abstinence.

Here goes. You can’t have your cake and eat it. Either you change your lifestyle or nothing will change. Are bars that interesting any more? As for being told you’re not spending enough in a bar, I wouldn’t care less about that. My mates think it’s great I don’t drink (they’re dead jealous of my new slimness), and I do use the tactic you mentioned of arriving later and leaving earlier. A good compromise. With the money you save, you can buy a great bike 😂

It’s not a trivial matter to quit. It’s big. You need to change a few others things too, but you’ve done amazingly already to cut right down.

It’s just gone 7pm in the UK. It’s time for ... not a bike ride but a run 🙂

Tonotel

True. There are so many diet cokes or cranberries with water you can drink without it getting old fast -for you or for them.

Tonotel

Hello UK! Thanks for your response. Yes that one quit enabled me to get rid of cravings and cut back drastically. I realize I’m not in my 20s anymore. When a drinking buddy doesn’t support your quitting is not really a friend as I experience. I was once in that state of mind where I started looking at drinkers as people from another planet and alcohol as a poison. I slowly went back in and it became normalized for me again but with some reserve. As someone said here I just need to separate socialization from drinking.

I wish I could run again. I don’t think my knees would support it. I do see night runners. Not a bad thing. With the money I socked away from those weekends I didn’t drink I can surely buy a nice bicycle.

least

I live alone, and am happy that way, and I spend a lot of time with my little beagirl and my two cats. They are my company and my mission in life is to make them happy and healthy. I walk my dog as often as I can cause I love watching her just being a dog and doing doggie things like checking her peemail.

I don't ride a bike anymore but I do read a lot and watch a lot of movies and videos. I am active here on SR and like reading and posting. I like helping others and, in doing that, I help myself too.

I've been sober now for well over 11 yrs and never once have I woken up sober and wished I had drank the night before.

Hodd

A lot of bicycle talk 😆 My bike is a second-hand Trek which cost the equivalent of $200. I wish I’d kept a diary of money saved, but people who stop drinking do more interesting things and probably end up spending even more money! I paid a lot for a personal trainer at first and am still having a swimming lesson every week. These activities aren’t cheap, but I’m investing in me. Never money wasted.

You must be around the same age (I’m 52). I only started this sporty stuff two years ago and never dreamed I’d be doing such things. I’m not winning any medals, but I’m having a great time. We never know what’s possible until we ditch the alcohol and try something new.

Tonotel

53. Starting to feel my age but deep down I know that a good diet will put me on a better road with my health. There’s still life in us yet even though I squandered my younger years with bad health habits.

Yes I agree with what you say about spending on healthy endeavors. It’s like travel. Money well spent. Forward on!

nez

Not drinking is also a socially acceptable phenomenon. Much more so than I thought it was when I was an active alcoholic.

Going to church, a synagogue, a mosque, a temple, etc are also socially acceptable phenomenon and are generally not drinking events. I don’t go to any those and yet I don’t feel deprived, left out, or like I am missing out. Organized religion has no pull or power over me and doesn’t continually crop up in my thoughts. They are neither bad nor good in my point of view. As a matter fact, they are pretty much a non-thing, as I never think about them.

I could make the same statements about shopping malls, soccer games, new car dealers, chamber of commerce meetings…the list goes on and on.

I go to street fairs and festivals, which at times occur in the evening. I go to movies. I go bowling. Poker night with the boys. Motorcycle rides. Comedy club open mic nights. “Chopped” cooking parties at a friend house…the list goes on and on.

All of the above are all socially acceptable phenomenon. Some people drink at them. Some do not. I used to drink at all of them. Now I do not.

Alcohol had me believing it’s version of how the world operates. It’s version doesn’t reflect the fact that socialization can and does occur separate from drinking. Drinking and socialization are not mutually connected at the hip, only between the ears.