keeppushing

So Saturday I had my first day 1 in over a year and after nearly a week of trying. Day 2 was marvelous! And then I found myself with a drink in my hand with no seemingly conscious thought involved. There was no internal argument that I always remember having. I guess it's become autopilot. Very scary. I woke up this morning in a fog of shame. After some time anger starting rising. I rarely feel angry, it was beaten out of me in my childhood. But this time, for some reason, I didn't (couldn't?) squash it. It burned the shame away, got me up out of bed and brought me straight to the SR forum. I will not crawl back into anonymity.

Item 1 on my sobriety plan was making scheduling an appointment with an addiction therapist (earliest I could get was next week).

Now I have decided on Item 2: Read and post multiple times a day to SR.

I can feel the shame pushing back: Do you really think anyone cares? Why are you bothering these good people with your personal stuff?

Sorry shame, I'm not falling for it.

KP

BeABetterMan

I care. And we all start somewhere. Shame, anger, guilt, bewilderment, defeat. I remember all of those emotions well. Alcohol is a depressant. It’s no wonder we are depressed. Take away our “medicine” and everything feels wrong. But then, even when we have our medicine it feels wrong. So what then?

Well, you are in a precarious spot. And no matter which road you choose you have some very hard days and nights ahead.

You can keep drinking, but you know where that leads. And no one wants that.

Or you can commit to sobriety. Commit to feeling all of the feelings of life without your protection. That’s the hard part for me anyway, feeling. Living in the moment. Dealing with all sorts of emotions (especially shame for what I’ve become and all the time wasted).

Talking to an addiction counselor is a great start. Have you tried AA?

keeppushing

Reminder to my future self: After 1 day of not drinking I woke up after only 4 hours sleep with much more energy than I usually have, I was optimistic rather than feeling hopeless, shame and anxiety were not there, I did more for my personal and professional life in a few hours than I usually do in days. Then I drank. I woke up with shame and anxiety. I dread doing any work. I dread interacting with anyone.

KP

keeppushing

Thanks BABM. Thanks for caring and thanks for the thoughtful post. I am committed to sobriety and committed to learn to identify and accept my feelings. My path lies a different way than AA (no judgments, just personal preferences based on experience with different approaches).

Gratefully,

KP

DriGuy

Keep posting all you want. For many, it works. I had thoughts of drinking early on, but no drink ever mysteriously appeared in my hand. However, I do understand such automatic responses. I have experienced it while shopping for groceries, when I find myself wondering at the checkout, "Whatever possessed me to buy that bag of cookies?" But if you get serious about quitting, you can end that automatic response. Subconsciously controlled behaviors are just one of the tools your AV will use to keep you drinking.

keeppushing

Thanks DriGuy. Yeah, that AV sure is cunning, but I will persevere.

Dee74

I really recommend thinking about a plan. Take what happened on the weekend and work out ways to stop that happening again. That's the basics of a plan right there

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...very-plan.html (What exactly is a recovery plan?)

keeppushing

Thanks Dee. Working on the plan. As for your specific advice, I replayed it in my head and I think that this is what happened: Sunday is a work day for me, but Saturday (weekend) I was concentrating all day on triggers and I got through it. Because I didn't have a plan for what happens when work finished on Sunday I went into auto-pilot. So Item 3 of my plan is born: Schedule the whole day. For today, after work I'm going for a walk to clear my head and review and commit to my priorities (#1 is sobriety). Then I have family time, movie, and then bed.

I always thought of triggers as action / information linked. Never thought about it as lack of action. Not saying I was bored, just nothing scheduled = start drinking is programmed in my head.

Dee74

yeah reverting to default is dangerous if the default is drinking. Been there myself Kp

D

keeppushing

Dusted off some of my toolkit built from previous plans, and did a rational self-analysis looking at what triggered me to drink yesterday. Kept pushing deeper and deeper, going back further and further in time (in my journal) looking at patterns. Lead me to an entry from years ago that I had forgotten about where I realised that I didn't start drinking to hide, I was hiding long before, alcohol was just a new tool. The journal entry had a poem that I clipped. Made me cry. Made me heal a little bit. Thought I'd share.

TO

I remember you from long ago,
When I was living in a hell built especially for children.
The walls of your home were my only salvation.
I'm sure you were never aware of this though
- because I never really knew you.
This is why I've always known you, but you never did me.
I was a lonely, horrified child
- with nowhere to go and no one to turn to…
So many years later.
You don't remember knowing me, but I do you.
I needed to be where you stood
- a place so unlike my own.

Janet G. Woititz. Adult Children of Alcoholics (Kindle Locations 286-290). Kindle Edition.