Infidelity in rehab
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2021
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1
Infidelity in rehab
Hello everyone, this is my first post. I am hoping to connect with others as a source of support and to learn from everyone here.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who has a very severe drinking problem. He is drinking a liter of vodka a day and cannot "function", meaning he is unable to carry out most tasks including unable to hold down a job. Over the past 18 months, I have been on a roller coaster from hell dealing with his addiction that has spiraled out of control. We bought a home together shortly before COVID hit, and we felt fortunate to find our house when we did because it is in a fabulous location and we got a good price on it. He was working and seemed to be doing well. He was what I considered to be a "functional alcoholic", meaning he went to work but had a few drinks when he was done. I didn't like it, but I accepted it. Once COVID hit and he was furloughed from his job, he fell apart. He started drinking in the morning and it lasted all day. During this time, I was finishing my 4th year of my PhD so I had field research and data analysis (not to mention being a single Mom), and I taught classes. I was on a very tight deadline because I had a job offer that started for fall, so I knew that I had to be finished and defend by August. It was a living hell. He blew through his savings and drank if up. I watched him vomit almost everyday and he had seizures sometimes. I ended up finishing my degree and started my new job. He wasn't there for any of it. He slept through most of it. I tried very hard to get him treatment, and he always found fault with a program. He would start and leave AMA. He also said that he didn't want to quit. I felt trapped because we just bought our home and I invested money from the sale of my old house into my new house. I was a student and couldn't afford to move out. This continued on through the winter and into the spring of this year. He ended up deciding to go to treatment. He would go for 21 days and then relapse. This happened a few times. I finally gave him an ultimatum. I knew that I was enabling him. He burned through all of his money and he was demanding that I buy him his vodka and cigarettes and I refused. I became the enemy. He went to treatment a final time in May and he stayed for 6 weeks. We didn't talk much this time around. Our relationship had deteriorated but I still had hopes that he would get better and want to make amends. Little did I know, that he had developed a "relationship" in rehab with another alcohol addict. I didn't know about her at the time. He moved to another state after rehab and I was actually very happy for him for making positive changes. I am upset that I'm now responsible for the entire mortgage, but I'm managing (but I'm house poor). I didn't know that he was financing the move on his Mom's credit card. He rented an apartment and bought a bed and other necessities and maxed the card out after two weeks. He also relapsed (the same day that he left treatment). He of course reached out to me once the credit card was expired wanting to come home and "figure things out from me". He wants me to buy out his part of the equity of the house. I found out about the rehab romance while he was sleeping and his phone was buzzing all of the table with texts from her about how she's "missing him" and other things that made me want to vomit. I confronted him and he tried to lie about it. I ended up asking him to leave and I tool him to his Mom's house because I was so upset. He referred to me as the "crazy person" to her. Typical triangulation. I then find out from his Mom that he's crying about her saying he loves her and upset that she's not calling him back. It literally made me SICK to my stomach to hear. How could he fall in love with someone he hardly knows, in a matter of weeks? From what I understand, it's pretty common in treatment for this to happen. I then find out that while in the PHP program, they had weekends off so they were at the beach together all weekend, going out for dinners (on his Mom's credit card) watching movies, eating desert, all while I'm home busting my a*s trying to keep up with all of the bills and yard work, etc. I feel so blindsided by all of this. It's just so much to process. Apparently they were planning their relapse together and she talked him out of getting Vivitrol injection because it "inhibits sensations". It made me so angry! That is someone who obviously doesn't care about his wellbeing and health. I guess that I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else has experienced this, and any words of wisdom or encouragement. To make it clear, I will never forgive him for this. There's no hope for a future with him. He's obviously not to be trusted. I just want to move on and find peace but feeling stuck in my thought patters of feeling betrayed and blindsided.
I just got out of a 4 year relationship with a man who has a very severe drinking problem. He is drinking a liter of vodka a day and cannot "function", meaning he is unable to carry out most tasks including unable to hold down a job. Over the past 18 months, I have been on a roller coaster from hell dealing with his addiction that has spiraled out of control. We bought a home together shortly before COVID hit, and we felt fortunate to find our house when we did because it is in a fabulous location and we got a good price on it. He was working and seemed to be doing well. He was what I considered to be a "functional alcoholic", meaning he went to work but had a few drinks when he was done. I didn't like it, but I accepted it. Once COVID hit and he was furloughed from his job, he fell apart. He started drinking in the morning and it lasted all day. During this time, I was finishing my 4th year of my PhD so I had field research and data analysis (not to mention being a single Mom), and I taught classes. I was on a very tight deadline because I had a job offer that started for fall, so I knew that I had to be finished and defend by August. It was a living hell. He blew through his savings and drank if up. I watched him vomit almost everyday and he had seizures sometimes. I ended up finishing my degree and started my new job. He wasn't there for any of it. He slept through most of it. I tried very hard to get him treatment, and he always found fault with a program. He would start and leave AMA. He also said that he didn't want to quit. I felt trapped because we just bought our home and I invested money from the sale of my old house into my new house. I was a student and couldn't afford to move out. This continued on through the winter and into the spring of this year. He ended up deciding to go to treatment. He would go for 21 days and then relapse. This happened a few times. I finally gave him an ultimatum. I knew that I was enabling him. He burned through all of his money and he was demanding that I buy him his vodka and cigarettes and I refused. I became the enemy. He went to treatment a final time in May and he stayed for 6 weeks. We didn't talk much this time around. Our relationship had deteriorated but I still had hopes that he would get better and want to make amends. Little did I know, that he had developed a "relationship" in rehab with another alcohol addict. I didn't know about her at the time. He moved to another state after rehab and I was actually very happy for him for making positive changes. I am upset that I'm now responsible for the entire mortgage, but I'm managing (but I'm house poor). I didn't know that he was financing the move on his Mom's credit card. He rented an apartment and bought a bed and other necessities and maxed the card out after two weeks. He also relapsed (the same day that he left treatment). He of course reached out to me once the credit card was expired wanting to come home and "figure things out from me". He wants me to buy out his part of the equity of the house. I found out about the rehab romance while he was sleeping and his phone was buzzing all of the table with texts from her about how she's "missing him" and other things that made me want to vomit. I confronted him and he tried to lie about it. I ended up asking him to leave and I tool him to his Mom's house because I was so upset. He referred to me as the "crazy person" to her. Typical triangulation. I then find out from his Mom that he's crying about her saying he loves her and upset that she's not calling him back. It literally made me SICK to my stomach to hear. How could he fall in love with someone he hardly knows, in a matter of weeks? From what I understand, it's pretty common in treatment for this to happen. I then find out that while in the PHP program, they had weekends off so they were at the beach together all weekend, going out for dinners (on his Mom's credit card) watching movies, eating desert, all while I'm home busting my a*s trying to keep up with all of the bills and yard work, etc. I feel so blindsided by all of this. It's just so much to process. Apparently they were planning their relapse together and she talked him out of getting Vivitrol injection because it "inhibits sensations". It made me so angry! That is someone who obviously doesn't care about his wellbeing and health. I guess that I'm just reaching out to see if anyone else has experienced this, and any words of wisdom or encouragement. To make it clear, I will never forgive him for this. There's no hope for a future with him. He's obviously not to be trusted. I just want to move on and find peace but feeling stuck in my thought patters of feeling betrayed and blindsided.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I'm sorry for all the pain you are currently suffering.
I've been through a couple really horrible betrayals from alcoholics myself. Unfortunately the only thing that helps is accepting that people can be cruel, especially addicts, and then - (sorry but) Time. It's going to take time to get past the circular thinking and grief.
I did a lot of journalling. That helped.
And maybe a lawsuit to gain legal possession of the home...or selling it if that is the way to end all entanglements. I'd probably go that route, you say you got a good deal on it - so maybe you could make a little money on the sale and be done with him and look forward to building your own life.
I've been through a couple really horrible betrayals from alcoholics myself. Unfortunately the only thing that helps is accepting that people can be cruel, especially addicts, and then - (sorry but) Time. It's going to take time to get past the circular thinking and grief.
I did a lot of journalling. That helped.
And maybe a lawsuit to gain legal possession of the home...or selling it if that is the way to end all entanglements. I'd probably go that route, you say you got a good deal on it - so maybe you could make a little money on the sale and be done with him and look forward to building your own life.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2014
Location: Georgia
Posts: 1,366
I don’t have any advice on him or the relationship but as far as the house, sounds like the best route is to either refinance in solely your name if possible, or sell and relocate.
I know you are hurt but there’s not much you can do from here except separate yourself completely. It will keep you from getting hurt again.
I know you are hurt but there’s not much you can do from here except separate yourself completely. It will keep you from getting hurt again.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
GAWD....I am so sorry for all of what you wrote. What a pile of **** you have been through.
Thankfully you need not go through it anymore. I just wanted to say to you that we hear you. You will make the best healthy decisions you can for yourself. Keep on moving forward realizing your dreams and knowing your worth. For reals. You are powerful.
Thankfully you need not go through it anymore. I just wanted to say to you that we hear you. You will make the best healthy decisions you can for yourself. Keep on moving forward realizing your dreams and knowing your worth. For reals. You are powerful.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,599
What an awful situatuion. I'm so sorry. Congratulations on your PhD! Just imagine what you'll be able to do once you're not dragging a dead weight around with you. Definitely get some legal advice about how to separate from him financially. On the upside "house hacking" is the in thing right now and you're well placed to take advantage of it!
Member
Join Date: May 2016
Location: US
Posts: 264
As much as it hurts now, move on! If you stay with him the hurt will continue over and over. If you move on the possibilities are endless. Let him have his fun and don't talk to him unless he has been sober for 5 years.
Good Luck to you.
Good Luck to you.
Blue Belt
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,174
Hi Mz,
How are things?
I made it through most of your post.
I have trouble with the block style, one big paragraph, posts/styles of writing.
It is like getting hit with a storm of words.
Congrats on your successes!
A Phd is a ton of work and I imagine opens doors. I have an MBA and it has definitely helped me.
I vote sell the house. I like eating out and vacationing periodically. I hardly even go in my back yard, so a big ole house is to much. My vote.
I would classify your man a mistake and move on. Basically, he sounds like a nightmare.
Hope this helps you.
Thanks.
Thanks.
How are things?
I made it through most of your post.
I have trouble with the block style, one big paragraph, posts/styles of writing.
It is like getting hit with a storm of words.
Congrats on your successes!
A Phd is a ton of work and I imagine opens doors. I have an MBA and it has definitely helped me.
I vote sell the house. I like eating out and vacationing periodically. I hardly even go in my back yard, so a big ole house is to much. My vote.
I would classify your man a mistake and move on. Basically, he sounds like a nightmare.
Hope this helps you.
Thanks.
Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 148
Firstly, congrats. What a talented and resilient person you are to have achieved all that you have. You are worth so much more but I really understand and share your anger and disbelief. I managed to escape from a similar situation 30 years ago and that partner is still a loser living hand to mouth . You have a happy life ahead.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 649
I’m sorry you’ve had to go through this.
I also don’t think your ex’s problems are solely alcohol related. This is a broken and very selfish/bad person, full stop. Glad you are escaping from it. You don’t need or deserve that kind of toxicity and manipulation in your life.
I also don’t think your ex’s problems are solely alcohol related. This is a broken and very selfish/bad person, full stop. Glad you are escaping from it. You don’t need or deserve that kind of toxicity and manipulation in your life.
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