Blogs


Notices

Lately all I want to do is relapse

Old 07-19-2021, 06:41 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Jan 2019
Posts: 35
Lately all I want to do is relapse

I have 2.5 year sober, I know that alcohol is a dangerous and destructive path for me, and yet I am romanticizing it. I want to be drunk just for a couple of hours, to turn my brain off, to stop being responsible, to let go, to stop caring. I have a wonderful sober life, and yet, all I want to do is get drunk off wine.
SkyBird is offline  
The Following 16 Users Say Thank You to SkyBird For This Useful Post:
aasharon90 (07-20-2021), advbike (07-19-2021), Anna (07-20-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Feliz88 (07-19-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), GiftsOfSobriety (07-19-2021), Hevyn (07-19-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021), Scd619x (07-20-2021), someday147 (07-20-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 06:48 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Canine Welfare Advocate
 
doggonecarl's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Norfolk, VA
Posts: 10,950
Blog Entries: 22
Good of you to post of your struggle before you drink rather than after. Read around. You won't find a post that says, "Yeah, a couple of hours of drunk was worth it." No, the day one posts after a relapse are misery and suffering and guilt and regret.

Stay strong.
doggonecarl is offline  
The Following 14 Users Say Thank You to doggonecarl For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), Anna (07-20-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), biminiblue (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Feliz88 (07-19-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-19-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021), Scott2295 (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 06:54 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Administrator
 
Dee74's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 203,950
Blog Entries: 1
I think often we reimagine booze fondly as this great escape when it's really not.
Whatever our problems are, we have to find other ways to deal with them.

what do you think is contributing to you wanting to escape right now?

D
Dee74 is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to Dee74 For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-19-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 06:54 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Member
 
advbike's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: US and Southeast Asia
Posts: 5,443
I relapsed at 3+ years. I didn't post first, in fact I had gotten away from SR and become complacent.

Stressful events will always come. Or thoughts from the AV. So best to keep at a program of some sort.

Reading and posting helps - we feel good in helping others, and it serves as a reminder and reinforces our sobriety.

Exercise is my number 2 tool - I bike 6- 8 hours a week and it dumps all the stress.



advbike is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to advbike For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-19-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 06:57 PM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Learning to live again
 
Hevyn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 48,242
It would end badly, SkyBird. If I tried that it would never be a couple hours. I'd be off on a binge - maybe weeks, possibly months or years.
Last time I tried an experiment of that sort it was 7 yrs. of hell to get back to sobriety. I wish I was kidding.
It couldn't possibly be worth it. Glad you posted.
Hevyn is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to Hevyn For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), biminiblue (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 07:03 PM
  # 6 (permalink)  
bona fido dog-lover
 
least's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 96,291
Blog Entries: 32
I see it this way, I've been sober now for over 11 and a half years and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before. Don't drink. It's not worth it and it'll make you feel bad.
least is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to least For This Useful Post:
AAPJ (08-10-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Outonthetiles (07-21-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 07:07 PM
  # 7 (permalink)  
nez
Member
 
nez's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2017
Posts: 2,719
Originally Posted by SkyBird View Post
to turn my brain off, to stop being responsible, to let go, to stop caring
You can do all of that and more by getting drunk off wine... but why? What is so horrible about the brain working, being responsible, and caring that makes you want to escape them?

I worked damn hard to become all of those things (as I well imagine you did also). Those things are rewards, not something to escape.

Real life can be work at times, but at the end my drinking was hell all the time, 24/7. The so called "fun times" were long gone, never to return, any more than I can become a care free 5 year old once again. Ain't gonna happen.

I have never regretted not drinking. I have regretted drinking lots.




nez is online now  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to nez For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 07:09 PM
  # 8 (permalink)  
Member
 
Evoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 587
Play back the tape. You know what’ll happen if you give in.

Your AV is out of control, but your rational mind is still in charge. You know that because you posted here before taking a drink.

Do you have any other outlets you can use to reset? Working out, a hobby, a good meal, a new book or show?
Evoo is offline  
The Following 9 Users Say Thank You to Evoo For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 07:24 PM
  # 9 (permalink)  
01-14-2019
 
tornrealization's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: Midwest
Posts: 1,216
I just hit 2.5 years as well. I don’t want to roll the dice with any drinking. Maybe tonight go to bed early. It’s ok to feel frustrated or overwhelmed and just work through those feelings. Think about how far you’ve come. Exercise is a good idea or a movie. Maybe a package of cookies. Play that tape. Read some some more on the boards to remind yourself how hard early days are…how easy you can end up back there. You got this! You can get through this crave.

Sometimes a milestone can be a trigger of its own. It will fade.
tornrealization is offline  
The Following 10 Users Say Thank You to tornrealization For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 07:47 PM
  # 10 (permalink)  
Member
 
Thrillhou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2015
Location: MN
Posts: 798
I relapsed a month and a half ago and it was a major mistake. I spent 20 days in hell. I was so hungover in the mornings I could barely muster the strength to take a shower. At night I had withdrawals was shaking so bad I could barely press a bottle against my lips. I had no appetite whatsoever and couldn't eat anything without throwing up. Eventually I wound up in the hospital. Hadn't had a drop since I got out, managed to pull myself out of the tailspin. 39 days sober and counting right now.
Thrillhou is offline  
The Following 12 Users Say Thank You to Thrillhou For This Useful Post:
advbike (07-19-2021), BackandScared (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Dee74 (07-19-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021), Scd619x (07-20-2021), SoberSteve (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 08:43 PM
  # 11 (permalink)  
Blue Belt
 
D122y's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2015
Location: Soberville, USA
Posts: 4,157
Blog Entries: 1
Reading your post was a bit of a trigger for me.

But, I am a non drinker. I hate the stuff. It is poison. It is a highly addictive, brain damaging, toxin.

Thanks.

D122y is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to D122y For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 08:49 PM
  # 12 (permalink)  
Forum Leader
 
ScottFromWI's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Wisconsin, USA
Posts: 16,945
I certainly still have occasional thoughts that it would be exciting/fun to go try out a new beer at my local brewpub, or that yes indeed i could certainly just go have a few beers with the guys after work, etc. Having said that I also sometimes have crazy thoughts like it might be a good idea to go just tell my boss how I really feel and walk out the door after a bad day too ;-)

Bottom line, life is hard and it's probably just human nature to want a break from it all somehow. Problem for us though is that we can't have our cake and eat it too. And I'm not sure about you SkyBird, but the fallout from getting drunk even just once would be colossal compared to the few fleeting moments of drunkenness. Like others have said...play the tape through and it's a great idea you had by coming here and sharing by the way.
ScottFromWI is offline  
The Following 8 Users Say Thank You to ScottFromWI For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), biminiblue (07-20-2021), D122y (07-23-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 08:57 PM
  # 13 (permalink)  
Samantha
 
Join Date: Sep 2017
Posts: 2,031
You're romanticising it for sure....being wine drunk (and wine hungover), is horrendous.
you aren't missing out on anything.
sober is the way to be.
anxiousrock is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to anxiousrock For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021), Patcha (07-19-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 09:22 PM
  # 14 (permalink)  
Member
 
Patcha's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2019
Posts: 1,172
Blog Entries: 1
If you're an alcoholic, thinking that drinking will relax you is like thinking you can put out a fire with gasoline. You've done a great job on TWO AND A HALF YEARS OF SOBRIETY!!!! That's wonderful!!!!

A daily meditaton practice has helped me to get a lot of insight into my own behaviour, why I do what I do, why I care too much and so forth. I don't fee like I need to switch off from those things any more, because my insight has helped me change my thoughts and behaviours. Maybe it could help you, too? It's worth a try. Let me know if you want some resources.
Patcha is offline  
The Following 7 Users Say Thank You to Patcha For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), biminiblue (07-20-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 09:38 PM
  # 15 (permalink)  
Member
 
Kaptn's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2020
Location: Cali
Posts: 523
Originally Posted by least View Post
I see it this way, I've been sober now for over 11 and a half years and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before. Don't drink. It's not worth it and it'll make you feel bad.
I am only just over a year but I agree. Not once.
Kaptn is offline  
The Following 6 Users Say Thank You to Kaptn For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Delilah1 (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021), mnjen (07-20-2021)
Old 07-19-2021, 09:40 PM
  # 16 (permalink)  
Member
 
Evoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2019
Location: The Midwest
Posts: 587
Originally Posted by least View Post
I see it this way, I've been sober now for over 11 and a half years and never once have I woken up and wished I had drank the night before. Don't drink. It's not worth it and it'll make you feel bad.
I’ve never thought of it this way before. So true.
Evoo is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Evoo For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-19-2021)
Old 07-20-2021, 12:29 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
Member
 
Delilah1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 12,890
I am really glad you came here and posted! 2.5 years is a substantial amount of sober time, what have you been doing to help you stay sober, what has been working? Can you think of something that may be missing lately that you need to add back into your recovery plan?

It is funny how we can romanticize wine. I was also a wine drinker, a d would envision how nice it would be to be sitting with a nice cold glass of white wine overlooking some lake, or the ocean, however the reality was I was pouring myself one too many glass of whatever large bottle of wine I had in my fridge and was drinking it alone on my couch when the kids went to s,eep, and occasionally the first glass when they were awake. Then The bargaining with myself would occur, “I can just have one more…” Well, there really isn’t much left in this bottle I may as well finish it,” then I would climb into bed and sleep miserably, and wake up feeling even more miserable, and need to function through the day. I can guarantee there was nothing romantic about how I looked stumbling to my room for bed, or when my alarm went off the next day.,

Mindfulness, going for walks in nature, journaling, gratitude, yoga, reading, reading and posting here these are all things that help me when I am stressed, or just want to let the day go.

You can do this! Keep working toward year three!
Delilah1 is offline  
The Following 4 Users Say Thank You to Delilah1 For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), eob (07-20-2021), Gabe1980 (07-20-2021), least (07-20-2021)
Old 07-20-2021, 12:44 AM
  # 18 (permalink)  
Member
 
Gabe1980's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2017
Location: Scotland
Posts: 3,837
Thank you for posting - I have found all the replies here really helpful.

All I can say is that I have been trying to get sober for four years now and it has been the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I imagine that it was extremely hard for you too and so have done so well. Remember that a few glasses of wine could really lead anywhere and I'm thinking that it is just not worth taking that chance and the chance that your whole world will be turned upside down.

Stay strong and work through it. Sending love and support x
Gabe1980 is online now  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Gabe1980 For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-20-2021)
Old 07-20-2021, 01:56 AM
  # 19 (permalink)  
Member
 
Introvrtd1's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Back in the USA
Posts: 2,506
Hi Sky, Congrats on 2.5 years…I know for me at only six months I’d be devastated after I had a single night of shutting down and getting high for a few hours….At this point it’s crossed my mind a few times over the last couple months…especially after feeling good on some days.

But playing it out in my mind, I saw how miserable and regretful I’d feel during the withdrawals and the paws symptoms that would re-haunt me thereafter….no thanks. Didn’t seem worth it.

Stay strong, and don’t let AV lie to you on this one…take care and thanks for posting first.


Introvrtd1 is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to Introvrtd1 For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-20-2021)
Old 07-20-2021, 02:10 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: casablanca
Posts: 280
There was always one more attempt and one more failure.
...then we wake up to face the hideous four horsmen, Terror, bewilderment, frustration and despair
shakeel is offline  
The Following 3 Users Say Thank You to shakeel For This Useful Post:
BackandScared (07-20-2021), Hevyn (07-20-2021), least (07-20-2021)

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:05 AM.