lessgravity

As many of us know and have discussed here before - getting sober is just the first step in doing the work of our lives. One of the remarkable, at times very difficult and wide-ranging discoveries I made during my sobriety is that much of the habits, mental loops and obstacles that I dealt with and created for myself during my drinking days are still here with me now! I sometimes wonder, in the chicken-egg mode, what came first - my addiction to booze or my mental habit of avoidance. They fueled each other for decades for me. And now that I am deep into my 4th year of sobriety I am very aware that the old habits of avoidance are still very present within me.

I have come to realize that the existential pain my drinking caused in my life - the disappointment I had for myself, the disappointment that others had for me - that terrible shame - is something I am also "addicted" to. Or at least I have habituated myself to it. It's a habit of sorts - this need or mode of being that results in me falling short of my potential. I procrastinate and avoid and then suffer the consequences. There's an anxiety this behavior produces that is similar if not the exact same feeling that I used to get drinking - the hiding, the self-sabotage, the shame, disappointment - all of it.

And therapy helps to define how so much goes back to family cycles, the chain we all are trying to break, in small and large ways. And action helps most of all. IMPERFECT action most of ALL.

Thanks for listening. Happy Friday.

novips

For me, it's important to remember that there is a big difference between the suffering I experience in active alcohol/drug addiction and the suffering I experience as a result of my on-going character defects in sobriety. Confusing the two sets me up for thinking things won't be that much worse if I drink/drug again.

ScottFromWI

Just like addiction, I believe that realization/acceptance of any issue we face is a crucial and important first step in overcoming it. For me the underlying issue was anxiety, but I could have written a similar post title like "Sober as a bird, but still anxious as a cat". And I could have very well written that even 2 years into being sober, so it took me a long time.

But to me it appears you have all the ingredients to succeed listed here in your post - Identify the problem, accept it, be self aware and put a plan in place ( your therapy & surrounding work ) to solve it.

advbike

You could be describing me LG. Especially the avoidance and procrastination. Throw some anxiety and perfectionism in there too, which makes it worse. Yeah, it's a lifetime of trying to figure ourselves out and become better people, but it's totally do-able and the discoveries we make along the way are quite something aren't they?

If "the unexamined life is not worth living" as someone famous once said, then mine must be very worthwhile by now, lol!

Evoo

Ahhh this is great <3.

There's such a "high" that comes with initial sobriety, isn't there? It's almost euphoric. But there's a crash. I was so disappointed when I realized I still had neck/back and joint pain, that I could wake up exhausted, that I could get sick, that I could have anxiety attacks even months into sobriety. Like WTF? I thought it quitting was supposed to cure all that?! haha. Somewhere in my addiction I had convinced myself that all of my problems, my anxieties, and health issues were alcohol related.

Nope.

In fact, a lot of stuff I'd been ignoring in addiction seems to be just staring me in face in sobriety. The good news is that that we're actually equipped to start addressing those things, not just drown them in booze and hope they go away. They won't . Thanks for the reminder.

ClearPath64

Love this. Spot on, as always LG. Thanks for sharing.

lessgravity

Ah herein lies the rub! Having the ingredients/tools is a crucial piece of the pain this behavior causes those of us who are habituated to it. Being able to solve the problem and then acting (or really non-acting and avoidance with the attendant shame/punishment cycle) in a way that thwarts the solving of the problem IS the addiction to that shame/punishment cycle manifested. So yes, completely agree with you - the tools and resources are there. And yes, it's a very different problem than the learned helplessness that develops in deep drunk life.

But what is hard, and what can be challenging to overcome, is the feeling that I'm just the same "avoider" that I was when I rushed to crack open the 1.5L of cheap pinot grigio. That addiction to falling short of potential and expectations, self-inflicted suffering, remains.

That said - here's to imperfect action. All day long, imperfect action.

ishallnotwant

You are so right, LG! My procrastination is a product of perfectionism and anxiety: what if I _______, and I mess it up? Or what if do it perfectly and things still suck? Can become a vicious cycle for sure!

DriGuy

This may or may not be you. We often encounter chaos in our lives that is not of our own making, but I firmly believe that this sort trauma can also be habitual. And the more chronic it is, the more likely that it's habitual. This is the same dynamic that creates the drama queens and the chaos junkies. I also think it's human nature to want to fill their lives with things, and chaos serves that purpose. Yes, it's negative, but it tells us we are alive, and creates problems we don't need to solve.

I don't know if this is true for you or not, but I've noticed it quite often in some people.

Scd619x

The victim cycle i know well, i always look to recreate it no matter how successful i am. Self sabotage, they call it too but that doesn't give it credit. It's the way i grew up and was treated and i learned it as a survival mechanism as a kid but i have found it very difficult to change a little bit in sobriety. My family beneath me doesn't have it but it was the gift to me from my f***ing useless caretakers! I wrote my mother and father an amend letter when i first got sober years ago in AA that i will never live down so be careful how much you blame yourself for being a child! I'm still in AA and is no reflection on the program, as it is great, but could have done a better job of choosing a sponsor the first time round lol

D122y

I am still a bit of a mess. But, I am a sober mess.

Nobody has it all figured out. Some folks handle it better. Like military training. When someone yells at you from 1 inch away, spitting on you, calling you names. It causes anxiety. So, after a while, you get used to it.

Being a sports competitor, a cop, a fireman. Being under pressure and being able to maintain rational thought.

I have an appointment with a mental health counselor to work through whatever.

I scheduled the appt. over a month ago and I requested virtual. I don't really see the need to drive anywhere to meet f2f if all we are doing is talking.

Personal choice.

Anyway, if I was really a mess, I couldn't wait a month for help. So there is that.

Happy Sunday.

Hope this helps someone.

Thanks.

BeABetterMan

You are not alone in the struggle. Mine is a little different but kind of similar. If you’ve followed my story at all you will know that since the age of about 16 I have truly believed I was cursed. I’m not exaggerating and even as I sit here now, there is a part of me that thinks that I might be in a second or third life and doomed to earth with an affliction. I am a decent looking guy, And I am smart. Not like kind of smart, but smart. Many years in my youth I scored at the very top of all national students on standardized tests. I aced the ASVAB, and I graduated number one in my class in mechanical engineering at the university. And my brother is smarter than me, my mom smarter than both of us. Why am I saying this? I say this because I truly have astronomical potential. But I I’m in a constant stage of sabotage. In relationships I look for the worst, most codependent most toxic women. At work, I will get to the precipice of taking a huge leap and then absolutely explode my standing and any opportunities for true achievement. I am addicted to the highs and lows of life. I like to look at life on a scale of 1 to 10 where 10 is absolutely happy, content, at peace. And 1 is waking up in jail (again), hungover. The opportunities that have been offered to me in life and in love bring the promise of living at basically between four and nine. Meaning I could live a very happy life with just some little dips, and some pretty good (natural) highs. But my “curse” will not allow me to adopt the manner of living that would deliver that. Something inside me thinks that I need to have the ten. But in order to get that ten, I have to
live a lot in the lower numbers. The ones and the twos. The thinking and behaviors that exist in me make that certain. Whether this always existed in me, or if it is a result of being drunk and using most of my life I do not know. It seems, that I am scared to succeed. That I am not allowed to be happy or content. It’s something inside me and I hate that part of me. Of course drinking exacerbates it. What’s we it is, it sucks. I’m rambling. I’ll stop here lol.

That aside, I actually have a good life that I’m greater up for today. And I’m sober.

enaiddes

What an insightful post. You have amazing clarity about yourself and that I bet goes a long way towards achieving the improvement you desire.

My mental habit is or addiction is ‘anger’. It is a knee jerk response that happens on the average every hour on the hour about one thing or another. And I may be also addicted to the aftermath of an anger episode - the shame, worthlessness and abysmal self image, the humiliation and embarrassment.

For me it’s a cycle - the melt down episode wherein I lose control of myself verbally and emotionally - followed by the shame and self blame, anxiety and even fear for myself. And then comes a strange period of peace and bliss like some kind of inner pressure has been released, leaving me in a serenity phase. Im going to try and remember to bring this aspect up with my therapist.