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Old 07-17-2021, 12:19 PM
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Made a mistake

I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday, but seriously wish I hadn’t. My Saturday is ruined because I feel horrible. I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up. I cannot drink ever again. Why is this so hard?
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Old 07-17-2021, 12:41 PM
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I’m sorry you drank Jillian.

I know I bang on about plans a lot but I needed to have some ideas about what to do, or who to talk to, when that urge to drink hit me.

I had to be ready for the sudden ambush because that’s the way our addiction often works?

D
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Old 07-17-2021, 01:03 PM
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For me, because my recovery has been hard at times, I appreciate more than if it were given to me on a silver platter. I have fought hard for it, so I am holding onto it tightly, for the hard earned treasure that it is.

I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up.
Where you messed up is that you drank. It starts and ends with you. Meetings are a helpful tool, but not a guarantee. It starts and ends with you.
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Old 07-17-2021, 01:22 PM
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As someone else told me... practice makes perfect.
It is so hard.
It is a DISEASE we all have.
Others do not understand that.
But I have been trying since 2008 and now I am coming back to these forums everyday to give me inspirataion. I blew it after almost 2 months because I went to a store I frequented that knew me. They automatically placed vodka on the counter. I did not resist it. I took it, then fell into black out mode. We all make mistakes. Over and over and over and I wish our families understood that this is a DISEASE like cancer. People wouldn't treat cancer patients they way they look at acholocis. I have blown it so many times I stopped coming here because I was embarrassed at how much I screwed up.

I am back now and ready to make a commitment. After 3 months of being sober I blew it because someone put it on the counter and I took it. They were used to me getting vodka regularly so they knew when I walked in to buy smokes... and I just took it. Then I couldn't stop. I blew it hard on the 10th and now that is my new sober date. I have 10s of sober dates that I screwed up.

I was angry because my sponsor and her husband humiliated me in a zoom meeting.
So I can't go back to those but I can come here and it keeps my sanitity.

Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday, but seriously wish I hadn’t. My Saturday is ruined because I feel horrible. I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up. I cannot drink ever again. Why is this so hard?
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Old 07-17-2021, 01:42 PM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday...
It seems you were setting yourself up for it. You wrote this just two days ago:

Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I’m on day 6 and feeling great and this is usually where I mess up! I don’t why know the feeling great equates to wanting to drink...
Drinking doesn't have to be a self-fulfilling prophecy

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Old 07-17-2021, 01:43 PM
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I was angry because my sponsor and her husband humiliated me in a zoom meeting.
So I can't go back to those
Whatever your sponsor and her husband said...shows on them and not you. We are all human and we all make mistakes. No one I know in recovery is perfect. A lot of us are better though and getting even better. Go back to that meeting. Go and get better. It will also show others how to handle adversity. Going back to that meeting is a win/win. It is the "we" of recovery.


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Old 07-17-2021, 01:45 PM
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I'm sorry that you decided to drink, Jillian. I agree with Dee about making a plan so you have something specificon paper when things get tough. For me, having a daily routine helped me get through the difficult days.
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Old 07-17-2021, 02:26 PM
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Most of us have been there, Jillian. I certainly have. We're tootling along just fine, and then, BAM! we drink for no apparent reason. It happens. Get right back on the horse and have a plan for next time it happens. You're rewiring your brain to do something new after years of the same habitual behaviour. It takes time. Dust yourself off and keep going.

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Old 07-17-2021, 02:28 PM
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The first few weeks are terribly hard.

The only way I stayed away from alcohol in the beginning is by solid structure. Each hour was accounted for.

No matter what happens in the day, good or bad, resorting to alcohol just keeps us stuck in addiction. Creating new pathways to deal with the good and the bad is crucial. It feels foreign at first but after awhile it is the new normal. You will look back on this struggle one day and be thankful that its over. I believe in you. Believe in yourself and put a plan in place that will keep you sober. You can do this. You were doing it. Just get back to doing!
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Old 07-17-2021, 05:17 PM
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Made it thru the day and going to bed. Also, got my blood work back today and surprisingly everything is normal except cholesterol.
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Old 07-17-2021, 05:27 PM
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When I was trying (and failing) to get sober, I kept drinking for one reason: I wanted to drink more than I wanted to be sober. When I turned that around, and wanted to be sober more than I wanted to drink, then I was able to stay sober.
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Old 07-17-2021, 05:50 PM
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Originally Posted by nez View Post

Where you messed up is that you drank. It starts and ends with you. Meetings are a helpful tool, but not a guarantee. It starts and ends with you.
you are absolutely right
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Old 07-17-2021, 09:08 PM
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I am glad you are back Jillian, and that your blood work turned out okay. That should be good motivation to kick start your sobriety again.

I definitely needed a plan, and in early days I spent a lot of time reading and posting on this site. I also used mindfulness, and exercise, I made sure to get outdoors each day for a walk (and still do.) I read lots of books about recovery, I spoke with a counselor, and found that walking and mindfulness were much healthier ways to deal with the daily stresses I was having.

You should join the Class Of July of 2021 thread, and also the 24 hour recovery thread, These are both great places to get daily support, and to give yourself a check in for accountability.

If meetings were working for you, then find a different online meeting if you do not feel comfortable going back to the same one. I know the early days are difficult, but you can do this.

Sending lots of love!
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Old 07-18-2021, 02:04 AM
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And the ridiculous thing is that nobody ever wakes up after a relapse and goes, 'Well, that went well. See? I can moderate!'
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Old 07-18-2021, 04:32 AM
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It's hard because it was our go to solution for our problems and the way we felt for most of our life, without the hangovers or consequences most of us would keep on going with the booze! But it costs too much!!! I think you've nailed the problem, it was the missing meetings. Have you got a sponsor as that will be useful too, to give them a call when you feel like crap. You won't call them if you've made your mind up to drink but if you can get support before that point, that's how to swerve the actual drinking part in early recovery and beyond. Treat yourself well today. It's good news bad news, bad news is you drank again, good news is you've got a brand new day to try again
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Old 07-18-2021, 06:07 AM
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Originally Posted by Delilah1 View Post

If meetings were working for you, then find a different online meeting if you do not feel comfortable going back to the same one. I know the early days are difficult, but you can do this.
The meetings are great. They are in person and I just couldn’t make it Thursday and Friday due to my schedule but I’m going definitely going back. Thank you.
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Old 07-18-2021, 06:45 AM
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Hi Jillian, how are you doing today?

Great to hear about the lab results.
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Old 07-18-2021, 07:12 AM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday, but seriously wish I hadn’t. My Saturday is ruined because I feel horrible. I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up. I cannot drink ever again. Why is this so hard?
One thing that helped was externalizing my “addiction voice” (something I learned about here).

My inner monologue when I was trying to “cut back” often fantasized about alcohol… it made plans (“well I can stay sober until my cousins come into town, then maybe I can do the whiskey tasting, but just because I love the taste. Not to get drunk. I mean, I’ve been so good. I deserve this. “ Etc., etc. etc.).

Suddenly, in my heart and soul, it wasn’t a question of “if” I would drink again, but of when and how much.

I’ve learned that the “relapse” actually happens well before you take a drink. If the voice giving fuel to your addiction is still primary (if you’re like me) it’s a ticking time bomb to “moderation” (however long that lasts) back into active dependence and functional alcoholism. Over time, that voice has become quieter and quieter… and when I hear it, I can say to myself, “that is my AV” and shut the door on it.

I should say I am still young in recovery (Feb 2019).
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Old 07-18-2021, 07:20 AM
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I know these feelings after slipping are very, very difficult to deal with. Unfortunately we have a lifetime illness and those slips are going to happen. I had one recently also and afterwards for the first couple days felt horrible but also felt a deep sense of how serious this disease is and how it has damaged my life.

Then I realized that the only thing to do was to ‘get back on the horse’, get back in the saddle, and resume the work of recovery.

For myself I know I have to go against that part of me that wants to give up and tells me things like “all that hard work down the drain” after I’ve had a slip. This defeatist attitude leads nowhere. My therapist tells me that slips will happen but that part of the work of recovery is learning how to think and feel afterwards and how to muster the strength to take up the recovery work again.
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Old 07-18-2021, 07:25 AM
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Originally Posted by Jillian2563 View Post
I don’t know what happened or how I got it in my brain I was going to drink yesterday, but seriously wish I hadn’t. My Saturday is ruined because I feel horrible. I missed my meetings Thursday and Friday so maybe that’s where I messed up. I cannot drink ever again. Why is this so hard?
Are you certain you don't know what happened Jillian? Below are the words you just wrote 7 days ago - pay attention particularly to the words in bold. If indeed you are wanting sobriety, you have to do the work. If AA is your chosen method, then you have to go to meetings, work the steps via your sponsor. If you don't like your sponsor, find a different one. If you can't get a ride, find a ride from someone else. If the online meeting isn't working out, find one that does. If nothing else, schedule time in your work calendar for sobriety - label it as such and make sure that you come here every single day prior to the end of the work day and read this post. This is all about the choices you make, not about external factors.

I don’t know if it’s because I fell on Friday night and my face is all banged up, which I guess you could call my rock bottom, but I feel different this time. I feel committed to my sobriety. As many of you know, I’ve been in and out of these rooms for lots of years now and haven’t been successfully sober for any long period of time. I pray that alcohol will never touch my lips again. I picked up my white chip yesterday at AA and went to a meeting today. I’ve been in touch with my sponsor although she’s on vacation. I really don’t want to mess this up. I think my whole issue was that I wasn’t fully committed. I wanted to be sober but also wanted to drink. I never really gave AA a chance before. And I want so badly what they have so I will keep going back.
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