Jillian2563

I disagree and this is why. If I were addicted to cocaine and my hubby was snorting lines in front of me while trying to get sober, it would be a huge problem. Same for me with alcohol. When I see my hubby sitting right next to me, doing what I was addicted to and also his “partner in crime” with, it makes it super difficult just to get past the first week. Now, once I’m past that stage I don’t think it’ll be an issue. I used to be a heavy pot smoker, and when I was trying to quit, I had to separate myself from every situation when pit may be involved. Now I don’t care who smokes around me, I do t have the desire to use it. Different strokes for different folks I guess. I just know that if the alcohol is still around me while I’m trying to initially detox/withdraw/learn then I will most likely fail.

Anna

Jillian, I agree that it's difficult to be around someone who is drinking when you are trying to stop drinking and in the early days. But, I think it's up to you to step away. Go for a walk, move to a different area in the house, call a friend, whatever it takes for you to stay sober at that moment. You don't need to continue sitting next to him if he is drinking and it bothers you. But, I don't think you can expect him to change. Yes, it would be nice if he stopped drinking to support you, but it's not necessary. It's definitely possible for you to get sober on your own, and in fact, it's important that you are doing it for yourself. It will make you stronger.

Jillian2563

If I could go to inpatient rehab or even just a vacation on my own alone I would do so. But I can’t. I’m married with children. I’m married to my business partner. I like spending time with my husband. I know it sounds like I’m being totally unreasonable or unrealistic, but I feel like he should be supportive and not drink, at least during my first week sober. He’s been completely sober before. He got the chance to go to rehab. I can’t because there’s no way he can handle everything I do, and he admits that.

When I first told him my plans to get sober, he wouldn’t even acknowledge what I said. I’m sure there’s lots of different reasons why. But finally he understood what I needed from him. When we said our vows, we committed to support each other no matter what 🙂

Anna

I know it would be nice if you could go to inpatient rehab or go away alone. And, I get that it's not realistic for you. It's not realistic for many of us, so we have to figure out how to manage anyways. Stopping drinking and getting through the early days is hard, really hard, no matter how we do it. It was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. Can you come up with some ideas that you could do that would help you? You can make this work.

Mizz

This road of getting sober when two people in a home drink and are each others drinking companions is a very hard road to walk.

I have been there many many times. You are not alone in this struggle. Your thoughts are similar to thoughts I had over the years and so I completely understand where you are coming from. I understand why you disagree and I understand how hard getting sober is. Getting sober and staying sober is real hard work!

I have a different perspective now about my spouse and drinking. It took me a lot of trial and error and more experimentation to get to a different perspective but it is different today. I was so desperate for change that I had to take everyone else and what they were doing out of the equation. Getting sober was strictly for me and to save my life.

Supporting you 100% no matter what! It sounds like your spouse is also being supportive. One day at a time.
Keep on moving forward.

Jillian2563

Anna, Yes - the plan I created. I went to AA again today. I’m not a huge fan of the indoctrination but it seems to help thousands of people so I decided to give it another try. Plus I do like the big group meetings and do find them helpful. Besides that and my plan? Just focus on healing and my family.

Jillian2563

Thank you Mizz

Berrybean

Hey. Great you've got a plan. Not sure what you mean by indoctrination though.

One of the things I included in my plan were strategies for avoiding / dealing with the common HALT triggers. HALT stands for Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. It's often just simple things like making sure to keep a snack in my bag, or phoning a friend and asking how they are. I just found it useful to have it written down as I got a lot of washing machine head in the first few months do once I was triggered those simple things didn't occur to me so easily.

Another thing I needed for my anxiety at that time was an exit strategy if in social situations. Haha. That's something I kinda kept up if I'm honest. It just feels safer being around people drinking if I've already given myself permission to take a break from it if I want / need to.

Anyway. Good luck on your journey.

BB

Atlast9999

100% this.

My husband and I were the best drinking buddies! Boy did we have fun! But I stopped having fun a long time ago and realized I had a problem many, many years before I quit. I thought about it for a long time and then made my move. I quit drinking! With zero support from my still drinking husband.

Like Mizz wrote, I made the choice to save myself. Everybody and everything else came right out of the equation. I was in this to save my life and only I could do it.

I’ve been sober 3 years. My husband is still an active alcoholic. Everyday I choose to continue to save myself: he’s not factored into my plans.

It’s a tough road. I’ve walked it and continue to walk it. This is a message of support and strength to you.

DriGuy

I can't tell you how much I admire your commitment and resolve. I think a drinking spouse would be one of the hardest obstacles to overcome in recovery.