TheAten

I made it the closest ever to that elusive 90 day mark and then fell off completely. The past two months have been endless drinking. Morning, noon, night. It didn’t seem to matter. I’m so lost. I started off this year without alcohol and I’ve drunk more than a normal persons perhaps one or two year supply. I’m genuinely confused about who I am. I’m sorry that this thread makes such little sense. I’m sorry that I can’t seem to stop the seemingly endless cycle. I’m back here again with tail firmly between legs.

Anna

TheAten, I'm sorry to hear that you're struggling and feeling so bad. You're back and that's what matters. You can do this. Can you figure out what made you decide to start drinking after almost 90 days? It might help you to avoid the same pitfall again. And, as far as being confused about who you are - that's what alcoholism does to us. It destroys our bodies, minds and souls. But, coming back here and starting again will help you to find yourself.

Steely

Your thread makes perfect sense TheAten. Does to me, at anyrate.

Ninety days is not as elusive as you might think. It's 'simply' 90 days of of being free from the insanity, learning as you go. You can do this TheAten.

Pick yourself up and get the show on the road.

We've all been there, and yes it sucks, but does not have to remain so.

Join us here.

TheAten

Anna, so nice to hear from you 🙂 I always feel a nice, warm feeling seeing your posts. I wasn’t going to return here because I just felt so ashamed and stupid but then I realised perhaps that line of thinking was stupid and I decided to return. The day I decided to drink again, my neighbours sat outside for the first sunny day here in the UK - well, first sunny day that it was warm enough to sit outside. I do not in any way blame them, but it is a trigger for me. They are drinkers and so after nearly 90 days of sobriety I just thought oh go for it. I feel many things trigger me tbh - I don’t need much stimuli to feel triggered.

I want to get better and I don’t want this to be my whole life story. I want to stop drinking. I want to be a man who gives to the world, not one who takes away. I feel lost today but I’m back. The candle of hope is dim within me right now but it still burns.

TheAten

Greatly appreciated, Steely, thank you. I have started to understand that I struggle to accept help even though I desperately want and need it. I fear being hurt, which is ironic as I constantly hurt myself with alcohol, but I need to allow myself to be vulnerable and trust people. And I know that people here genuinely want to help. Thank you for your words.

Dee74

I'm glad you made it back TheAten.
Very little made sense to me when I was drinking morning noon and night - the way back to sanity and clear thinking is clear.

D

least

In order to stay sober you must want to be sober more than you want to drink.

TheAten

I’ve seen and heard this many times, Least, but please excuse my ignorance, but - I’m not entirely sure what it means? Of course I understand the words, but something about then just doesn’t quite stick. Sometimes I desperately want that and others - it’s like I’m a dual person and I feel the opposite. I think there’s a question in here somewhere! Could I possibly start this and perhaps make it without fully understanding it right now? Or, just by asking that question, does something deep inside me really do want that? Of course you’re not in my mind but I suppose I’m asking just to get the thoughts out and try make sense of what I’m thinking - I’m very confused at the moment. Thank you for the reply. Much appreciated 🙂

TheAten

Thanks, D. It is clear. Tomorrow I’m going to try and eat something. Having not eaten for three days certainly isn’t helping the situation!

least

It's hard to describe, but when I stopped for good, I just knew in my soul that I wanted to be sober more than anything. Before, I had always left the door open to drink again, but this time, I knew deep down that I had to stop drinking or I'd drink myself to death, in one way or another.

The other thing I did to help me stay sober, and be comfortable in my sobriety, was to practice gratitude every day. At first it was hard, as I was early in recovery and had a lot of damage control to do. But I did it anyway and eventually it became a habit. And now I find things to be grateful for all the time, even the smallest things are worth my gratitude. And I notice I'm happier now that I'm grateful. Here's an article about the benefits of practicing gratitude.

https://www.nytimes.com/2015/11/22/o...pier.html?_r=0

Hevyn

Hi TheAten. The last time I fell off into the dirt it truly was the very last time. I was finally convinced I couldn't touch a drop of alcohol. No more insisting I could still drink if I used enough willpower or restraint. Once it was in my system, dangerous & unpredictable things would always happen. The terrible fall was worth it - it led me to SR and 13+ years of sobriety. Sounds like you're ready to get free - we know you can.

LadyBlue0527

TheAten, it's such a vicious circle isn't it? The best input I have is I worked really hard to not allow myself to stay inside my head. I invented situations that made it impossible for me to drink. Sometimes the only thing I could do was to crawl into my bed and go to sleep. Often times what was getting to me was the thought of never drinking. So I would say to myself that for today, JUST FOR TODAY I am not going to drink. Tomorrow I might. Who knows? Then, what I found was when I woke up the next morning the sense of relief was great. Then I would restart the process. I can tell you I never regretted not drinking.

You will not always feel this way. It does get better. Mind diversions are key!

You can do this! There's a life waiting for you that you deserve and are worthy to live. It takes some work to get there but stick close here. This place was monumental in helping me.

Again, you can do this!

sugarbear1

It took me 25 years of this to finally get to the point where I was totally done. And I still wanted to drink more. Somehow I made it through a few days sober because I literally had no money left, was about to be evicted, had bills due and no income, no vehicle, no me.

I worked the 12 steps of AA, which had a profound effect on me, and I haven't picked up in ten years. There is a way out.

I had to surrender.

Pick a program of recovery or create your own and work it like it's life or death.

I found out at about 8 years of sobriety that when I was getting sober, my ol' best party friend was in the hospital dying from alcoholism and her organs slowly shut down in July. I got sober in May. What's your choice? And a person can rebuild their life at the age of 50, pay back $10,000+ in old debts, and make a pretty nice life for themselves. Did I mention I just refinanced my home?

I know you can stay stopped. Are you ready to admit you are done fighting alcohol?

I know you can get past that 90 days again. For me, I have to know that I can't drink safely and that I want sobriety more than I want oblivion. I choose to live life today. You can, too!!!

Hugs,
~SB

ScottFromWI

In my opinion, I don't think we will ever "understand" why we are addicts - and many times the quest to understand itself is what leads us back to drinking because understanding equates to solving. AKA - if I could just figure out why, then I could learn to control it and drink moderately like others. But of course that is impossible for us.

That's why indeed you don't need to understand it to start living a sober life. But you do have to want it and make unquestionable pledge/promise/committment that drinking even one sip of alcohol is never an option, ever. For some people making that committment means aligning with a specific recovery method or group, for others that committment/pledge is a more personal one. But in an case, if you really truly do want to be sober - you need to treat it like any other goal you have that you really want - and do the work to get it. If you want to build a new house, you have to save up the money, plan it out and go through the process. If you want a new career, you have to learn new skills, apply them and prove yourself worthy to someone that will hire you.

D122y

I couldn't quit until I was ready.

Prayers that you are ready this time.

Recovery gets more difficult with each relapse.

Booze is poison.

Thanks.

advbike

Welcome back TheAten. I'm sorry you drank. I understand the desire to have a drink on a nice day. I have done it so many times I can't count them. But I'm not doing it again. It's not worth it. After so many years I can feel the physical damage, but it's the disappointment in myself that kills me the most. I refuse to disappoint myself like that any longer. Like the others said, you have to be ready, and that usually means reaching some point of saying "no more, I've had enough".

Once you reach that point it's simply a matter of willingness to do whatever it takes - Rehab, a program, SR, learning to sit through the discomfort of our emotions. Whatever it takes. I will never take a drink today.

I hope you're at that point TheAten. We all care about you and want you to break free of this. And I know you can.

Scd619x

Congratulations for getting to the 90 day mark, that is a real achievement regardless of whether you drank again or not. I've used a few things to help in recovery, one of them i used is AA, not that i am trying to convert you. In AA we have all sorts of people, the drinking ranges from once or twice a month to all day, everyday. In AA it's much easier to help someone who is drinking every other day in the evenings with general support, acceptance and friendship than someone who is drinking throughout the day, everyday. Your pattern of drinking would be what the original authors of the AA Big Book call REAL alcoholics, the ones who have really lost control and a good sense of themselves. The program outlined in the Book has helped many people and, although it is written for a 1950s audience in terms of vocabulary, it can still work today. I'd definitely advise sticking around here, and why not get yourself a copy of the Book and check out the stories in the back to see if you identify? Maybe a meeting too might help? Whatever helps to get you sober and staying sober, if i'd have thought that standing on my head for an hour a day singing humpty dumpty would have helped, i would have done it!!!

brighterday1234

All is not lost and in fact you may have gained valuable evidence; namely alcohol cannot be in your life if you want a life.

Once I learned this and truly accepted it then I was ready to recover from alcoholism. The rest as they say is history. Sobriety and recovery has given me a wonderful life with many blessings. The same can happen to you too if you get sober and truly want to recover and are willing to do what it takes 🙏

Mizz

Being sober more than wanting to drink......
Ya, that really hit home when I saw how out of control my mind and emotions were. Alcohol has a way of creating so much damage for those of us who are in active alcoholism. I wanted desperately to not rely on a substance to help me through the happy, sad, frustrating and mundane days.

You can get sober. You have done it before. We are supposed to be happy here. Not lost and confused about ourselves. I know that alcohol creates confusion and once its out of my system I feel much more grounded and able to tackle all that life is giving.

Stay close. Post often. I believe in you!

Surrendered19

We know who you are TheAten. You are a good person who happens to be an addict. Just the same as if you had a broken leg, asthma or irritable bowel syndrome. Just the same as you wouldn't question your identity if you had one of those maladies, you shouldn't personalize being an addict. It is a health condition and it can be treated and you can heal up. That 90 day mark is a bit tricky buy that is so much amazing sober time, so you absolutely know you can do it forever. Get back on the road with us TA. I hope you are feeling ok this morning. Is today Day 1?