Fusion

Icandothis, there is a certainly a way you can deal with the problem caused by your son. But first things first, it's Day 1, so I believe by Day 7, you'll have a brain free from alcohol, that will be more able to focus on the available solutions/plans for dealing with your 'son problem''. Then able to choose one and put it into action.

Could you switch off over having no plan for a week, concentrate on sobriety. And next week sit down and plan what action to take?

Icandothis2013

Yes, I have given myself the week off work to sober up and think things through.
Im wondering if I should contact a lawyer to write to him saying what a serious offence this is.

Fusion

Yes, Icandothis, I'm in the UK, not sure where you are, but it's called a 'cease and desist' letter, civil action can follow afterwards That is certainly one option, amongst others. There is mention of an 'order' in previous posts, has that expired and if so what type was it?

I'm glad you've taken a week off work to sober up. You see, there's a plan already! I know it's hard, I'm a Mum myself. This can be behind you one day, finally.

Icandothis2013

I have a Non Molestation Order out against him ( I’m in the UK too). The judge said he was specifically not to share images of me ‘in a vulnerable state’ via email, social media etc. It also says not to threaten or intimidate me ... so he’s breached it in a number of ways..

Gabe1980

I am sorry to hear about what you are going through.

I do feel the same as others have stated here - the situation is not going to change, if you keep doing the same thing, that is engaging in anyway in his horrible game.

Also, when you described the videos he has I was thinking about how I would feel if I saw them. I think mainly sad and sorry for the person in them. I suspect your friends and colleagues will feel the same. What about if you just take the chance? Block him and cut him off completely. If he shares the videos, he has nothing then and you will be free of it. The world wont end, I promise xx

Icandothis2013

It wouldn’t bother my friends ... they would feel sorry for me ! But if he shares them with colleagues, it would ruin my professional reputation !

Gabe1980

I understand that and I know it would be awful......but if this goes on the alcohol and stress will ruin your whole life, so maybe the work thing will be easier to recover from?

Fusion

Icandothis, so you already have a Non-molestation Order against him, a cease and desist letter from a lawyer is often a precursor to that. If he's ignoring the NMO, he must know the terms and that he's breached it. A cease and desist letter would only serve a purpose by reminding him of the order's terms and stating that you'll report him for another breach....but he's already breached the order, a red flag.

I'd still get a clear head, then decide on the best course of action at the weekend, it's a big decision, that could finally place this horror behind you.

Icandothis2013

Thank you Tatsy .. I just don’t know how to make it stop !! :-(
S

sobersophie

Unfortunately, you ultimately have no control over what your son chooses to do. You can only control your own actions, and if his behaviour is toxic and unhelpful for your recovery, perhaps some distance would help as others have suggested. You need to focus on healing.

Icandothis2013

When this money is used up, he’ll just come back for more and use the same threats ....but you’re right - it’s how I react to them that counts !

Steely

Go the police Ican. Talk to a lawyer. He's in breach, and that's the end of it.

It's not going to stop unless you do.

Received 90 phone calls from my daughter on Saturday. I'm not taking calls. She's been rehospitalised so I know she's safe. I can't jump to her gun any longer.

I'm still not drinking and don't intend to. It would be the finish of me.

Dee74

I’m not going to give you any more advice over your son...but you absolutely need to stop drinking over this ICDT.

It solves nothing, it breaks you down, and every time you drink over this cruel blackmail you give your son more and more power over you and your life.

Sorry to be blunt but the amount of time you’re taking off work is already compromising your professional reputation. If you’re going on benders, that behaviour may well one day get back to your employers or your customers.

The whole dynamic here is very very unhealthy, ICDT, and if you want any kind of future at all, you need to stop.

D

Steely

I'm actually taking 1 call a day on advice from mental health team. My health, and my daughter's.

All mental health team workers are being bombarded with calls too. It's horrible, and it's sad, and it's scary, but there is nothing more I can do until she stabilises. God help me.

Sorry if I sabotaged your thread Ican, but believe we are both in a similar situation. Learning to say No, even if it hurts.

Libby06

This is all so sad and unnecessary Ican. The more we tolerate, the more we can accept the same. Why should he change, when he continually gets what he wants? You are the one that needs to change in order to stop all of this madness. We truly do teach others how to treat us. It is being ingrained in him that this is acceptable behavior. Noone deserves this.

You are putting too much blame on him for YOUR drinking. If you really want to stop, you need a better plan. Have you considered AA? Just posting here of this drama is not keeping you sober, I'm sorry to say. Taking the advice given here is a great start, but you need to stop responding to his demands.

decchemist

You have two ways to deal with it as far as I can see.

1. Keep giving in to him and give him all the money you have at which point he will probably send the videos out anyway.

2. Do what Anna says and cut him out of your life now. Block his phone number - everything. He may then send the videos and if he does he has lost all of his 'ammo' and he will not be able to get at you anymore. The videos you describe don't sound that bad. Who hasn't cried in their bed at one point or another? Would your friends and colleagues even be that interested? If they are true friends they would support you.

So, will you choose 1 or 2?

Icandothis2013

2! Thanks for the good advice !

Steely

Make a video of you toasting your sobriety with sparkling mineral water. Add to it every day. One day at a time.

A beautifully crafted video, directed by your good self.

Icandothis2013

That’s a great idea Steely !

Steely

Do it Ican!

A Before and After

He will not have a leg to stand on. He'll be legless.

You could also write the storyline. Sort of like journaling.