BeABetterMan

Don't know why it happened. But I was thinking back about how much I liked waking up after drinking all night and was able to keep drinking. Sadly, that became a favorite activity. When normally I would wake with a ton of anxiety, on the days when I decided to keep drinking, usually early and then all day, I felt very fulfilled. So today, for a couple of minutes I started fantasizing about it...and almost letting myself start to plan a time for that. And how convenient is it that my mind placed aside the absolute misery attached to it. The shame, the risk, and the start-over.

That's how my last relapse started and I am very committed to let it happen again. I did not allow the planning to turn into real planning...i.e. looking ahead at the calendar and seeing where I had 5 days I could disappear from the world. I did not plan on stopping my Anatabuse. And I am sharing this toxic thinking event with others for accountability. I am not going to overreact, because thoughts are not actions. So I did not commit a foul, I've been able to avoid chasing that thought for several months now but today I indulged myself more than I liked.

Aellyce

I'm very familiar with that thought process, sometimes termed as "euphoric recall", part of what's also discussed as a manifestation of the Addictive Voice. Many people report that negative emotional states lead to the desire to drink and self-medicate - that was very rarely the case for me, my thing was more pretty pure pleasure-seeking and associated selective memory in those moments, whether we call it a sense of confidence, invincibility, or just plain euphoria. I could also maintain that during my binges, for me they never really lasted more than two days in one go, but pretty high during that time and sometimes even quazi psychotic. . It's actually quite amazing how reality can be altered even before touching alcohol, just during a craving. That's exactly what led to my failure to go without drinking for longer than max 10 days in the past (but more often only 2-3) and what led to my relapse more than a month ago after 3 months sober. I sometimes just get passing, weak thoughts of drinking and they only last a few seconds or minutes, but sometimes it evolves into these elaborate fantasies that can be quite persistent if I don't distract myself with something. It's better to recognize and forcefully change that mindset immediately, detach from it, and not allow it to turn into planning.

Steely

I once asked a homeless man in a park how come he didn't feel shite in the morning, he said, "I don't stop drinking." It was a serious question, thought I might get a pro tip. I liked that man 'cause he was honest. Saddest days.

Zencat

Hello 🅱🅰🅱🅰

"The American psychologist Albert Ellis is credited with coining the phrase 'stinking thinking' to describe the human tendency to persistently engage with thoughts that donot serve us."

I use stop thought to kill off that stinking thinking. Beware of 'romancing' the past. Sometimes we can use selective memories that ignore the harmful effects of alcohol and highlight the pleasures of getting high.

Perhaps when those using thoughts pop-up use stop thought and the pro/con mental measurement of drinking.
Just keep building sober living skills and know we (and myself) are rooting for (((you.)))

JustJohn

Man....drinking the next morning. I did it a few times. I recall once when I did it, after a night of hard partying. It felt really seductive and super pleasurable - and I could literally see the "line" in my minds eye that I was about to cross. I knew I might never come back from it - so I never did it again. Scared the hell out of me.

Dee74

Its great you have that self awareness BABM.
Get it before it gets you - good stuff

D

BeABetterMan

Thanks all. Thankfully it passed. I also need to edit my post a little. I said, "I'm committed to let it happen again." I mean, "..NOT let it happen again".

Yep, stinking thinking, romanticizing. All of that. I have some pretty decent sober muscles though today. I acknowledged the thoughts. I did not beat myself up for them. They are thoughts, not actions. I posted here. I am going to survive this stinking thinking. I didn't drink today and I didn't make any plans to drink in the future.

It's just a little frustrating to be humming along, living a very fulfilled life, doing it sober, building confidence and momentum. Practicing gratitude and then WHAM, that awful familiar thought. I will be fine though if I keep working my program. Thanks everyone for listening.