Icandothis2013

So it’s Day 17 (Yay!) but for the past 48 hours I’ve REALLY missed my son despite the fact he abused me physically, financially and emotionally and I had to take out a restraining order against him. In fact, it’s like alcohol, I miss the IDEA of him..I have a dream he would be loving and caring .. maybe he would be for five minutes but then he’d become toxic and demand money with menaces or worse. I don’t really miss alcohol, but if I did, I’d think of it as relaxing and fun ... when, for me at least, it’s also toxic and A BAD THING for me generally. So I have to put these two things out of my head and move forward and be comfortable in my own skin - which I’m not. I find myself very boring company and therein lies the problem !
Hey ho ! Onwards !

Anna

Keep reminding yourself that it's the 'idea' of him, of a mother/son relationship that you miss. It's not him, at least not the way he is now. There are bound to be tough days but you can get past this. We can do hard things.

Gabe1980

That is really insightful - to recognise that you miss the idea of him and you are maybe addicted to that idea, as opposed to him. You got this! If you can recognise and acknowledge that, then actively chose to put it to one side and carry on, then you are doing an amazing job! Well done x

Icandothis2013

Thanks Gabe ! Yes I. Is the idea of him but I know if I had contact with him, within 5 minutes he would start with threats and demands for money. I need to focus on the peace and tranquility I have now I’ve cut him off. It’s actually quite blissful ! (And no coincidence I’m sober for 17 days - my longest stint for ages ! )

Gabe1980

How you describe him is the same as I would describe my relationship with alcohol - five minutes and it all goes to hell. Congrats on your 17 days and on some much deserved bliss! x

Surrendered19

It is so great that you put that out there in such an honest fashion ICDT. The fact that you miss your horrid abusive son is indeed a sign of the disease we share. Our boundaries are poor or non-existent during our active addiction and in early recovery. But if you just name it like that, it loses much of its power. As you said - JUST like alcohol.

advbike

You're doing great ICDT. Lots of insights and emotional awareness in a short time.

By the way, sometimes sobriety IS boring, because real life is. So we have to learn to just be 'in the moment ', so to speak, and learn to accept it and enjoy the calm, not constantly seeking the highs, and charging off to "get something done".

Great work.. keep it up!

novips

In my experience, my alcoholism (AKA, the Devil) has a limitless rolodex of thoughts and feelings to throw at me to try to get me off my recovery path -- and all the time in the world to use and re-use them. These temptations are quite powerful, and without access to a Higher Power I always eventually succumb. Thankfully, I have found Alcoholics Anonymous, which has provided me with a program of action that allows me to tap into a Higher Power sufficient to overcome these temptations. This A.A. recovery plan of action boils down to (1) meetings, (2) step work, and (3) service work. It provides instructions for how to bookend my days with Higher Power both when I get up in the morning and before I go to bed at night. It also provides instructions for how to re-connect with that Higher Power when I get disturbed during the course of the day, because I will get disturbed during the course of the day. Importantly, once I get connected to this Higher Power, I discover that I intuitively know how to handle situations that used to baffle me (like setting healthy boundaries with toxic loved ones). Obviously, life still happens, and I still struggle and make mistakes -- but I don't have to drink over any of it.

Libby06

I think that its a natural to miss our children..good bad or indifferent 😐 But for you own health, safety and sobriety, its probably best to keep on saying it here, and not to him. I commend you for recognizing it.

All of these things are like touching a hot stove that has burned us time and time again. It wasn't until a good deal of time in recovery that I discovered that I enjoyed drama in my life. I'm not saying you do, thats just me. I was embarrassed when I discovered it. But today, I avoid it like a hot stove. I just can't stand it and have no desire to act on or interact with toxic people, and some of them are family!

You are doing great with 17 days. Just keep repeating it for the same results. No drama mama

Delilah1

17 days is something to be very proud of, each day you are getting. a little bit stronger. I am really proud of you. I agree with Anna that you are missing the idea of that mother/son relationship because you know the actual one was very unhealthy for you. Maybe one day in the future he will change and you will be able to decide if you would like to have a relationship with him, and by then you will have a few years of sobriety under your belt, which will bring with them a sense of clarity.

Steely

"Hey ho! Onwards."

I think it's pretty normal to miss your son ICDT. He is your son. The idea of son. You remember him as a bubba too.

Just dont let him cross the boundary of what is you. And in doing so you will teach your son well.