Lixie

Ambivalence is my enemy. I have been so reluctant to say goodbye to alcohol, always hoping that at some point, I will be able to drink again. But I've had it up to here. I don't like the person I become when I drink. The person that falls asleep at 8 pm, with no recollection of the night's events. The person that pushes their partner away, claiming to be unworthy of love. The person that doesn't see all the good things in their life, but prefers to numb themselves instead. Nope. No more. No more ambivalence, I am taking that step into sobriety. Not for one month or one year, but for life. I don't need alcohol, ever.

I have a plan. It includes gratitude, finding my higher power, and doing good things for myself. It includes adding meaningful activities to my life, things I can't do when I drink, like reading and writing. And, a loving, supportive partner is always helpful. But, the big difference this time is that I have come clean to my doctor, and I have started therapy with a psychologist specializing in addiction. I've had a pretty lousy childhood (I was abused by my grandfather), and my parents never saw how I changed. They have never seen me as a person, they only see the things that I do, and this emotional neglect has been almost as traumatic as the trauma itself. So, I'm saying goodbye to my past, it can't hurt me anymore. And I am taking the high road with my parents, I forgive them for what they have done and continue to do, I need to focus on me and my recovery, and I don't need toxic people in my life. They are still good at being grandparents, even though they don't know how to parent, and I want my kids to have them in their lives.

Therapy is going to be difficult, but I'm ready to do the work. I've hated myself for so many years, now it's time to turn that around. I want the rest of my years to be the best of my years, and I'm ready to walk that road. No more ambivalence. Sobriety, here I come. Will you walk with me?

Mizz

You can do this, Liz.
You are not alone and we are all here for you.

Trauma. It's a thing. I get it.
Lots of walls. Lots of pain there.
It is good you are speaking with a professional. Go easy on yourself. There are reasons for your coping mechanisms.

Congrats on getting sober and for walking this road.

Libby06

Liz, I'm so sory for what you endured as a child. I read somewhere that like 70 or 80% of alcoholics/addicts had some sort of childhood sexual abuse, so you are not alone. Therapy can help alot with so much childhood truama. I personally had 3 rounds myself, but it never cured my drinking. Getting honest did. Honest with myself, my doctor and people who had gotten sober. I went to AA, but that is not the only way to do it.

I admitted it to my doctor when I was almost 2 weeks sober and she asked me about AA. A lightbulb went off when she said it, even though my husband had been saying it for a few years. I didnt hear him, but I heard her. That little bit of honesty opened the door to a new life.

When I told myself "if I could just get a month, or a year" guess what? My subconscceince held onto that information! The day after the month or the year, I was drunk. Same with smoking..the day after my month..I was right back to it. I set myself up, and I didnt even know it. Only in hindsight can I see it now.

Today, I just stay in today. I will not drink today. Ill decide tomorrow, tomorrow. Six dang years of this and it is working! Gratitude is huge too. I am so grateful for this simple, sober, comfortable life. No more drama, or fighting and not remembering the night before. I'm hard wired that if I ever drink again, I will go right back there. No wishing to be a normal drinker. It cant happen for me.

You sound determined, and your plan sounds solid. I hope you will follow though. Your children and husband will be so happy. I forgave my parents, when my own child forgave me. Funny how that works.

Keep posting Liz. We get it.

Lixie

Thanks, Mizz.

Lixie

It is comforting to know I'm not alone, even if it means that other people have been through this hell too. I am finally honest, with myself and others. Thanks for warming words.

Anna

Liz, I think your post is amazing. It's full of good plans and insight and doing everything you can to help yourself get through this. You are worth it.

Devizes

Oh, Liz! Here's hoping that this time it works for you. I know how much you want and need this

You've already made a major step forward xxxx

Lixie

WOW, Anna, that post made me smile! Thank you!

Lixie

Thanks, sweetie.

RAL

Great post Liz. you can do this. You ARE doing this x

Hevyn

Liz - you're so self-aware & obviously very ready to do this. I'm so glad you're here where you can talk things through with people who understand.
I'm sorry for your past pain, but as you said - it can't hurt you anymore. I'm excited to share your new life with you - and we know you can get free.

Surrendered19

We will walk with you Liz. You can definitely do this. Trauma is tough, but it is all about putting it in its proper place in our life. It won't ever go away. So many trauma survivors try to get rid of the trauma and that is a fool's errand. It will always be with you, like a scar. But it doesn't need to rule your life. You can remember and still be in healthy, peaceful recovery from the trauma and the addiction. It is all about moving through those feelings when they come and knowing with certainty that you will always come out the other side of those times. You can do it.

Lixie

Thank you, RAL. So happy to have you here.

I'm glad I'm here too. I have many tools in my tool box, but SR is my favorite. Glad you are here with me.

Wise words, S. I have stopped picking that trauma scab, and it is healing. I won't let it control me anymore, nor the pain my parents have caused me over the years. I am free, I have found true love and there are so many wonderful things in my life. I choose life and sobriety, and I am grateful for all that I have.

Lixie

Day 2 for me, and I actually slept OK last night. Woke up feeling good, no hangover, no feeling of shame and regret. Loving it. It is snowing, which is kind of a bummer, yesterday was such a lovely spring day. On Saturday afternoon I started feeling unwell, and I had a slight fever for a few hours, so I'm off to be tested for Covid in a few minutes. There have been a few cases of a mutated virus here lately, but I hope my test is negative.

Will be writing more later. Happy to see you.

phoebe64

Great on day 2, Lixie! 💕. I hope you’re fever was hangover or withdrawal related and not covid.

ManInTheArena

Hey Liz,

I guess I wasn't fully aware of your past and all that trauma. That's terrible and terribly sad to hear.

It seems like you are making some great positive moves, and you know you have my support - 110%!!!

You deserve a beautiful life

Lixie

Thanks, MITA. You have been a valuable part of my SR life for so many years, it's good to see you here.

Anna

Fingers crossed that the Covid test comes back negative.

I'm glad you're feeling good today.

Lixie

Thanks, Anna. I am feeling good. I am at peace with myself.

Hevyn

Liz - Congrats on your Day 2. It's great that you could sleep - that was a problem for me early on. Things will keep looking up!