AwkwardKitty

It's been an extremely challenging week. My mental health has been very poor since January due to lockdown and everything else really, I've crashed. Sleeping awful, suicidal, depressed, no energy. Had medication changed which made me worse so stopped it. All of that. Been off work 4 weeks and got a letter from a senior manager basically saying my job is at risk because of my health so I'm now going through all that. I had a capability hearing yesterday and am waiting to find out the outcome. I'm terrified but I'm in limbo. I can't sleep, eat, wash, do anything until I know.
despite this being one of the worst times of my life (my job is EVERYTHING, employment has literally lifted me away from a very dysfunctional childhood) I'm still holding on to sobriety...sometimes it feels like only just, but here I am on 428 days alcohol free (and 7 weeks smoke free too!).
It feels very tempting to drink and smoke sometimes just to feel different but I know it won't make any of this better, in fact it could get a whole lot worse.

stickyone

I too am having a tough time this week. Is there anyone you can talk too. I say this because a hour long talk with a distance family member clear my head fog and help me level out. I can understand the work situation. Maybe try FMLA it will cover your job do to your current disability and your job will be protected. I've been. Working through out the entire covid19 lock down I was working with 3 doctors. Due to my insurance I could not go out on FMLA my doctor's informed me that it would be better for me to return to work and deal with my anxiety and depression head on. And I do every day. It will get better and pass it takes time. But time does go by faster keeping your self busy and focusing on self care and recovery. I hope the best. Don't give up you are stronger then you give yourself credit for.

advbike

Great job on not giving in AK! It has been really rough lately for all of us and I understand the temptation. You are very strong! I really hope you can get some assistance and also, can you exercise? It really helps to relieve my anxiety, as does turning things over to my higher power and trusting things will work out.

Hang in there! You're awesome!

RecklessDrunk

I think with me its a matter of how dialed I am into God at the moment.

When I was new in recovery i had a felony drug charge, a dwi, and a few other things hanging over my head. My relationship with God had become so strong though. I had been tormented by anxiety and depression for so long yet it felt like nothing was going to break my spirit. Whatever the fallout from court is will be God's will. I will deal with it as it comes. Life on life terms. The things I do have I only have because God made that possible. Sure we have to work for things but I think its God that has the final say.

Almost a year later I lost my job, totally unrelated to the legal issues. I near had a heart attack at first but turned back to God. I remember being unemployed with no real prospects of a job and the future so uncertain. Me, a guy that likes to try and plan every minute of the day. I remember just sitting on the beach on a perfect day and just enjoying everything around me, so at peace.

Fast foward a few years until now. Both of those situations worked out well. Occasionally I get sort of unplugged with God. I'm older now, once I got on the other side of 45 yo its been a bit of a sense of urgency. Urgency for what exactly I don't know. Sometimes I wonder now and then and laugh at myself for the stuff I worry about now when I was able to find serenity in bad situations.

I see my anxiety as not trusting in God. My depression is when God isn't carrying out my will the way that I want him to.

I have control over not taking a drink, doing my best at work, etc. There is so much though that I don't control. What I don't control i just have to leave to God and trust his will for me. Life is like the current of a river we are caught in. I think it goes best when we just back stroke and go with it. Ive wasted so much trying to swim against it.

Dee74

I'm sorry you're in tough times AK.
There are times when I have to rejig my work/play balance - maybe it's the same for you too?

I'm glad you're committed to staying sober tho - with recovery a bad day is just that - a bad day...not a bad week month or year.

You'll get through this.

D

Anna

AK, I'm sorry you're going through a rough time. I'm glad you're staying strong. I know it doesn't seem like it now, but things will out, no matter what happens with your job. You're sober and you can get through this. Please lean on us here.

least

Despite your circumstances, I am so glad you're staying sober. As you said, it wouldn't make anything better.

Sending you hugs and prayers for some peace of mind.

Runswithspoons

Please be sure to document everything, AK. When and how you have asked for help, and to whom. Is there anyone you could talk this through with?
And I echo what Adv bike says about exercise - even if just a little walk. And fresh air, if climate allows.

Steely

I'm so sorry AwkwardKitty.

You are doing magnificently. If 'money' is not the problem you can take this time to get well. It will pass.

Get up tomorrow and have a shower, eat something.

Having someone to talk to is a great idea. If you are feeling suicidal (maybe) you should talk with your doctor, or therapist? I'ts not good to feel that way. Talk with someone.

So very happy you're sober. Me too.

BackandScared

Go back and read your first posts or whatever you may have written in a diary or similar. It seems to work for me when I am feeling really low.
when you quit smoking depression and anxiety can become really bad too. After 7 weeks you should be about to turn a corner on the mental health impact of that one.

Very well done on all fronts!

It is a horrible time and you are holding on despite everything else. You have lots to feel proud of. You can do everything you put your head to. You will get over this one. Massive virtual hug.

AwkwardKitty

Just wanted to update you kind people that I am keeping my job! Such relief!
However, two weeks of worry about it has left me exhausted and burnt out so I've been struggling to eat and sleeping at weird times and struggling to function. But I am being kind to myself and this will pass.
I am so pleased I didn't drink through it, my sobriety gets stronger every day.

AwkwardKitty

Good advice, I read my old posts often especially if I'm wavering. I can feel the anguish and pain I felt at the time. It's a good reminder when you start to forget how bad it was and remember the past with rose tinted shades!

AwkwardKitty

I'm sorry you've been having a hard time too, how are things now?

Dee74

Hope things continue to improve AK.
D

DriGuy

Stick with it. Sobriety is partially about fighting these battles. There are also the positive benefits that come with sobriety. But winning these battles makes us stronger. It may also help to use the word "challenges" rather than "battles." Better yet, consider them "growth opportunities."

You've got what it takes. 400+ days speaks for itself. You didn't get there by accident. Things may be difficult right now, but the positive side is that you can be grateful for having found that strength inside yourself.

advbike

Glad things have turned out well, AK. Fantastic news! SO glad you held on and didn't drink.

Eating well and exercise really helps me.

Anna

I'm so glad you've kept your job, AK. I know that must be a huge relief for you.

Be especially kind to yourself today and allow yourself to heal from the stress.

m00t

Congrats on your job, AK! I had similar stress since last October. I've always had a fantastic job.. all of a sudden the Company owners decided it was time to sell the Company. I went for months with stress and anxiety of not knowing what would happen. I didn't just sit around and let it happen though.. I've been working in technology for nearly 20 years.. I dropped out of high school to take a fantastic job in tech at 17.. Got a couple of certifications to improve my position back in 2005. This was the first time I felt completely helpless.. But that feeling didn't last long. I am in my late 30's, and here I was during COVID getting my GED.. I set a goal to get three high end certifications in 3 months.. Which I did. Surprisingly, I was offered a full time position at the new Company, most money I've ever made in life. All of the worry and anxiety, and I had to let go, let God. On top of that, I had been sending out my resume left and right, and some of those places are reaching out to me now.. Not only do I have a great job, but I may have options soon too! Sometimes we just need to get out of our own head.. I know I did. Congrats on 428 days.