Tetrax

At least for me. When sober I guess I think and feel like a regular person - the past is something that's been and gone, occasionally reflected upon. When drinking it's like I'm intoxicated by the past, or as I imagine the possibilities of the past to be: messaging people from years prior, listening to nostalgic music, acting out the role I had gotten so accustomed to. I don't just get stuck not moving forward in my life; I actually regress.

The problem though is that this can be intoxicating: a place of comfort, a place where you know what's what, a place where you don't have to have any anxiety about the future. But of course the future is all we have waiting for us. The problem is not having the capability to imagine what it would look like if you took booze out of the equation long-term.

So in my sober present (and back in my sobriety of 2019-20) I do feel stuck not moving forward. No longer opening the dark door to the past but unable to see any other doors, just standing in and staring at a blank corridor.

Thanks for reading and if you've got any thoughts let me know, but basically I'm just thinking out loud here, introspective as one can easily get in early sobriety...

Surrendered19

"The problem though is that this can be intoxicating: a place of comfort, a place where you know what's what, a place where you don't have to have any anxiety about the future."

That are a few of the big AV lies though, right Tetrax? Drinking ultimately offers very little comfort other than momentary fake comfort, you don't know a gd thing and booze renders us riddled with anxiety about the future.

Be patient with yourself and stay sober Tetrax. There is absolutely nothing for you of substance at the bottom of the bottle. I think it takes time too, to remember what we were interested in and what motivated us. If you never examined those things, now you can.

Scott2295

I love this. “Nothing of substance at the bottom of the bottle.”

Mizz

I think its important to let ourselves be. Life has a way of presenting to us all that it needs too. I also lived in the past when drinking. I would think about all kinds of stuff that had nothing to do with my present. I found myself full of anxiety and full of all kinds of emotions. I was very saturated by alcohol emotionally and mentally. I do not think of my future so much right now. I am not thinking of the past either. Being in a pandemic has not allowed me to think outside of the box right now. I think I can reexamine my life and my time once all of this is over and we get back to some normalcy. For now, it is good to have a solid structure and to live in the here and now.

DriGuy

None of this sounds familiar to me. While my future did become immensely fulfilling when I quit, the only future goal I had in mind was not being drunk anymore. I believe that if that was the only thing that would have happened, I would have been as happy as a clam. But don't underestimate the importance of what that one single thing meant to me. It was huge, and I never looked back on the nightmare of my past and considered it nostalgia. It was a horror show, nothing more, and I wasn't going back for any reason.

You know, I heard in AA over and over, "You can't just put the plug in the jug and call that sobriety." Maybe that's true, I can't say because I did more than quit, but it was not part of my plan. It was just something that happened naturally. I forced myself to ignore resentments at one point, but I only did that because I was sick of ruining a good day being angry at the real or imagined transgressions of others. I got sick of resenting as much as I was sick of drinking. But that wasn't my plan, I just did it when I realized it was something I needed to do. And I made other adjustments like that when needed.

My plan was not lofty or grandiose. Everything in my plan centered around never picking up another drink, no matter what was happening in my life. Some of it involved:
avoiding drunk parties,
having and escape plan well detailed if I needed it,
understanding my alcoholic voice,
vigilance about signs that I may be ready to slip,
being grateful for being sober, and
not missing a nightly AA meeting for a year.

See, it was all about not drinking, nothing more. OK, OK, I glossed over the steps, modified those that were not meaningful, and even ignored some that had no value to me personally, but I did make it a point to understand the value of what they intended. Mostly I viewed them as a refresher course about using good sense.

Now about this empty corridor you are looking down. It's loaded with doors to open. You just don't know what those doors look like. I didn't either, although I never perceived a corridor. I was just in a big empty space that I was in no particular hurry to fill with junk, least of all the horrors of my past drunk life. I enjoyed the quiet and felt a freedom from the mayhem of alcohol. Not to say I just sat there. When it comes to life, there is always something to be done. Some of it is about dream fulfillment, and some of it is about doing stuff you don't want to do but you do it for no other reason than it needs to get done.

What you are looking for is going to take some sorting out. You may find it in the 12 steps, or you may find it on your own. For me it was embracing opportunities with a sense of adventure. It never felt like work, and it sure as heck didn't all come true in the first two years. In fact, 25 years later, I've become aware of how good my life has become while I wasn't even paying attention. Much of my growth was unexpected and not perceived because it happens so quietly and slowly. How did I do it? Hell, I'm not even sure. My first thought was that I just got off the merry-go-round of alcoholism. I "put the plug in the jug," and never looked back.

I'm pretty sure you need to give up on the idea that alcohol serves a worthwhile purpose in your life. That's not nostalgia. That is your alcoholic voice taking advantage of the person you could be. Don't forget that ugly past, not that you could if you wanted to. But a better future is not in your past. You need to leave all of that behind and enjoy the journey. It never ends Embrace it.

lessgravity

It's good to see you back here Tetrax, but I hear much of what I've heard from you for years in this post. In my opinion, this level of thinking about things is just a high-minded means to continue drinking. And I don't think it's served you well. I say that as someone who engaged in the same way of thinking about things before I finally accepted that I had to quit drinking for good to ever have the life that I truly wanted. I appreciate your introspection. I believe the examined life is the life that provides the most value. But the real work, the work to become the person you most want to be, to free your self of the habits and blocks that have accumulated over time, to achieve things, to find simple peace in things, all that stuff of great value and meaning = it can only be done by putting down the booze once and for all.

brighterday1234

Recovery from alcoholism can be as simple as stay sober today, have total faith that the best is yet to come, and follow the suggestions of people who have lots of sober time and are contented and at peace and thoroughly enjoying being alive. The way you think about things changes dramatically as you recover in my experience 🙏

silversky

I think I get what your saying Tetrax. The AV only knows our past and that's where it wants us to remain. It will always want to stave off the future (where it has no expertise, no control). Sobriety is another doorway, not to the future (the blank corridor) but to the very vivid present. It's an opening to the fullness and aliveness of Now, not the dead past, not the phantum future. There is plenty to do in the day and coming days that can help us build some better tomorrows. What else can we do but that?

I heard this line the other day on a podcast: "Stay where your feet are." A nice way to remember to keep our minds and focus on where we stand (or sit) right now. Spinning into past and future always throws me way off balance.

I'm reading the Addictive Voice book right now (Rational Recovery) and finding it greatly helpful in this early sobriety. I also adore the healthy voice and words of Eckhart Tolle.

ScottFromWI

Part of my recovery journey ( both from addiction and anxiety ) was exploration into the practice of Mindfulness and Meditation. I am by no means an expert in either area, but what I did learn is that while the past and the future do exist, spending too much time focusing on either is counterproductive. The past has happened, and there's nothing we can do to change it. We can learn from it but dwelling on it causes us to get "stuck" like you mention. Same thing with the future - It's definitely coming whether we like it or not, but most of what is coming is completely beyond our control.

So that's where Mindfulness comes in for me - first recognizing that the only thing I can really effect is the decisions I make right now, today. Adding meditation into the mix taught me a lot about self-awareness - and about the ability to allow a lot of the thoughts flying around my head to be just that - thoughts that I can acknowledge, but that I don't have to act on. That's where things would always go south for me - getting caught up arguing with myself about things that are completely beyond any sphere of control that I have.

I am not an active AA member, but the Serenity Prayer that is commonly used in AA circles is almost a mirror image metaphor of what I just described above too if you think about it - Change what I can, accept what I cant, wisdom to know the difference - makes a lot of sense to me.

It has taken me many years to get to where I am now, and even now I cannot say that I don't sometimes get caught up in that loop of self-talk, but I can recognize it much better with practice and cut it off before it gets way out of hand.

Anna

Tetrax, I understand what you mean. I have learned that I can't indulge myself to wander back through those memories very often. It's something that I obviously remember and get a glimpse of now and then. But I make every effort to stop those thoughts when they arise. Remind yourself to be kind to yourself.

TheAten

Tetrax, I think this is beautifully put and I can relate to this 100%. I often feel haunted by the past, but when I drink, it’s almost as though I time travel; it’s the strangest sensation. Strangely enough, I’ve always been this way, even when I was in my late teens and drinking; constantly wishing to revisit the past, bleeding nostalgia for things I’m not even sure have ever actually happened or that I myself have experienced. It led to both euphoria and hell, those trips back in time via the bottle.

I hear you and I relate to you completely. Thanks for posting this. Nice to know I’m not the only weirdo haha.

ThatWasTheOldMe

Drinking would take me for a trip down memory lane right back to the emergency room because I can't keep water down.
Here's a trick I use when I have a craving.
I give in - I tell myself I will drink in the future. I just won't drink today.

Steely

It's not so much the drinking memories, but the memories of that which underpinned the drinking.

The drinking memories are outrageos. Stupid. Don't think about them really, just all the other stuff.

Tetrax

Thanks for everyone's responses over here (I've got multiple threads going lol); I've just read them all. I guess I was wanting to just write how when I drink I dig up the past (or 'time travel' as @TheAten put it, which I liked) as if I'll find happiness there, which of course I never do. The seeing no doors thing, well, my afternoon actually got a lot brighter after writing that and I got to experience some nice things today; for a few hours it actually did feel as though I had not only found but was perhaps even peering through another door. I know it was just passing emotion but I definitely had one of those 'glimpses' of what value sober life could hold.

Also I have begun meditating, as @ScottFromWI wrote about, which I am determined to keep up. I've gotta stay grounded, basically, whatever it takes.

And finally, @lessgravity, I hear what you're saying. It's true I've gotta be careful with the overanalysing/intellectualising stuff, but I definitely feel this time that what I have is an addiction. Like I really know that that's what drinking is for me, pure and simple. Good to hear from you anyway.

lessgravity

Good to hear from you too. Btw have you checked out Sam Harris' meditation app Waking Up? I got trained in TM and have been on/off practicing for years and Waking Up has been a game changer for me in terms of making mediation practice a very regular thing in my life. That and, of course, sobriety.

Tetrax

No but I'll look into it, thanks. Of all things Netflix got me back onto it with the series Headspace Guide to Meditation. There's a good variety of guided meditations and now I'm used to the dude's voice (probably no accident, now I ought to buy the Headspace app etc. etc.) but I think I should be good to go solo soon anyway.