SmittyBittyBoo

So-I've been here before. Years ago. I did a year plus sober. It was great. I slowly started drinking again. I hesitate to call myself even a problem drinker. I can go days, weeks, but it isn't always easy. I don't feel like I can say I never want to drink again. But I don't want to drink right now.

So-for Lent, I decided I would give up the booze. I remembered this year BEFORE Ash Wednesday-so I didn't feel like I failed out of the door. I can do it for a finite time, hoping it's long enough to feel so good about it, that I will keep at it. I sleep better, my mood is better, I seem to have more motivation-all good things and good reasons to stay off the sauce.

I'm on day 6. The weekend was hard because I got bored and just wanted to chill in front of the TV and have a glass of wine or a beer. I did not. I puttered. I baked. I ate. I'll worry about the sugar and eating next week. I can't do too much at one time.

I cannot remember at what point I felt like a non-drinker? Or at what point I was truly happy with the decision last time. And I wonder if I'll ever be happy to be a non-drinker forever? Lots of people do it. Heck, I did it for over a year. I've done it for lengths of time otherwise. It doesn't change me. It probably makes me better.

My quitting buddy from last time has since passed-alcohol-related. She's been gone a long time now and she was the one many years ago that made me question if I had a problem. And back then, I think I did for sure. And she introduced me to this site years ago.

Anyway-my plan is lots of water. Lots of puttering. Mixing it up-seltzer with cranberry and a lime-which is like a cocktail to me without the booze and not a trigger. Makes me feel like I am still having something special (but not calorie loaded). I'm trying to journal and pray every night. That was also part of my Lenten goal.

I don't know what I'm looking for. I don't know if I even should be here since I'm not at rock bottom and right now my goal is for now, to not drink for now. I've just been lurking. I probably won't post much anyway. I wanted to introduce myself and if you'd all rather I not be here, please let me know and I'll go back to only lurking.

biminiblue

Of course we want you to be here. Welcome back.

I'm so glad you decided to try this again..

Your friend who passed would be glad, too. I didn't know her but I think I can say that pretty confidently.

It does take a little time to get in the rhythm and to really feel the benefits. You don't have to be a rock-bottom gutter drinker to benefit from an alcohol free life.

Surrendered19

Of course you should be here SBB. I'm not at rock bottom either but here I am. SR is for all of those questioning, drunk, sober, recovering, struggling, butcher, baker, candlestick maker. Feels good to be sober doesn't it?

During Lent I'll throw out a challenge to you to rethink "boredom". I think us addicts and self-medicators are so unaccustomed to peace and quiet, sometimes a quiet mind and body - something to be savored and enjoyed - gets mistakenly labeled as boredom. Just a thought.

Glad you are back on SR at least for Lent and hopefully longer.

aasharon90

Recovery never turn folks away that are looking to learn
how to get and stay sober. With willingness within themselves,
keeping and open mind to the messages of hope offered to
help and guide them and being truely honest with themselves
and other around them, then they have a good chance of
achieving continuous sobriety and putting their addiction
to rest once and for all.

Anna

Absolutely, you are welcome here and you don't need to be at rock bottom to post here.

It sounds like you have a good plan for how to move forward with sobriety. You've had long stretches of sobriety so you know how to do that. I would just suggest that you add things to your life that are fun and bring you joy. This helps with any issue of boredom and it helps to turn sobriety into recovery.

advbike

Welcome SBB. If you think there's a problem, there probably is. I hope you stick around.

I wasn't at rock bottom either. No DUI's lost jobs or homes, etc. Drank heavily in my youth but slowly cut it back as I got into my 30's and 40's due to responsibilities. I was proud of being able to control it, having just a few and enjoying that mild buzz, but even in "moderation" I knew I was dependent on it. Unless I had "quit" for a few days, weeks or months (a constant recurring event for the past coupe decades) I had to drink daily to sooth my constant frustration and anxiety. I often convinced myself I didn't really have a problem, had never suffered serious consequences, but the joke was on me.

The daily dependence on even just 3-4 drinks robs you of sleep, of clarity, of experiencing honest emotions, and especially the ability to make real life changes based on that awareness. Basically it is an addiction that precludes our ability to address other issues. So I stayed stuck in codependent relationships, settled for a career that wasn't meaningful to me, spent money on expensive toys, and went with the flow on a lot of stuff - all because my daily alcohol consumption smoothed out the edges that might have spurred me to make real change.

In 2013 I got sober and gained over 3 years of sobriety with the help of SR and it was amazing. I did all kinds of things without having to drink - international travel, a new relationship, crazy adventures.. UnfortunateIy, in 2017 I got complacent and slipped back into drinking after not dealing well with my overactive ego and relationship stress, and all the old behaviors came back. Sure enough, I became "stuck" again, in terms of personal growth and working on my issues.

After being unable to gain more than 60-90 days sobriety at a stretch, I finally came back here to SR last November, and quit for good. Already the clarity is coming back regarding my personal life and situations. Sleep is better, thinking is better, emotions are experienced and processed, etc. I have a lot more appreciation for the little things.. and gratitude. Slowly, it really starts to work.

Hope you stick around and experience the positive change also.

fini

welcome back, SBB.
nobody here will ask for a commitment from you, as that is a personal and internal thing.
of course we want you here while you explore this again!

Steely

Welcome back SBB. Of course you belong here.

Hope you continue to post.

Rella927

Welcome back SBB! The door is always open at SR!

I started here back in 2004 due to family and friends being A's in my life and the door has always swung open when I come back

Sorry about your friend but, I can bet she would be so happy to see you heading in the right direction!

Hevyn

Hi SBB - We're so glad to see you. I hope posting here will help you figure things out.

RUL23

I'm sorry to hear about your friend. I actually just found out about a mutual connection of mine that is likely dying within hours. Not someone I knew personally. But my family did. 38 years old. Alcoholic. Divorced because of it. He stopped. Then drank. Then stopped. Then said screw it, I'll drink for now then stop for good.

He didn't recover from his last binge. Liver failure. Pancreatitis. Now sepsis. The hospital just cooled his body temp to save other organs for donation.

38 years old.

Dee74

I remember you - welcome back SBB
For me just not drinking wasn't enough - I needed to build a sober life I loved,

For me that mean a life with purpose, balance between work and play. and a life where i deal with things rather than pishing them to one side.

A life you love is a life you never want to escape from.

what would your sober life you love look like?

D

RecklessDrunk

It seems like a good portion of alcoholics were not daily drinkers. The patterns of drinking and druggin can vary pretty widely. From my understanding of alcoholism I don't define it as an amount or frequency of consumption. I see 2 conditions in combination that make me an alcoholic:
1) Once I have alcohol in me I cannot control how much I will drink or what I will do. I have an abnormal, maybe even an allergic reaction to alcohol. I am a different person once I get the taste of alcohol. I crave more. Its not like instantly get crazy every time. I'm a nice guy drunk, but like the name I'm a reckless person many times. If I was a nasty drunk maybe I woulda quit sooner. As my drinking career went on it got to less and less good times and more and more disasters. More and more isolation. Even the physical effects, the hangovers got worse and worse.
2) If number 1 was the only issue i had with alcohol i could simply walk away. Generally when people have allergic reactions to something they just don't consume it. If someone is allergic to peanuts they don't go to meetings, they don't go to counseling, they just avoid peanuts. The second part is that I have an obsession to drink alcohol. The ease and comfort I get from taking a few drinks is so burned into my brain its hard to get rid of the cravings. I have an alcoholic voice in my head that doesn't stop trying to reason with me that its somehow a good idea to take a drink. Even after all the damage it has done. Even knowing in my right mind that the bad so far outweighs the good. The greatest trick of the AV in early recovery is that it creates an illusion that the craving is only going to get stronger as you get more sober time. It can be like being caught in a riptide. Its a temporary situation if you stay parallel with the shore but it can feel like its going to take you out to sea. In reality although the cravings can seem to be getting worse the obsession will weaken over time. As long as the alcoholic finds the right treatment or combination of treatments for them. Whether that's SR, AA, SMART, religion, exercise etc. I think for many its some combination. The solution isn't exactly the same for everyone.

The abnorml reaction or the allergy is what does the damage but the obsession is what brings us back to the allergy in the first place. At least for me that's how the cycle goes.

Most of us have tried to change up what we drink, how we drink it, how often we will drink it. Its like chasing some unicorn, some impossible idea that someday we will be able to control and enjoy our drinking. The further we pursue this dream the crazier we can get.

least

Of course you're welcome here! I thought I'd be bored if I didn't drink. I still am bored sometimes but it's not because I'm sober. Anyway, I'd rather be bored sober than drunk.

EndGameNYC

Be careful. It's been known to happen so quickly that we might not even remember how it started.

Confusion is often a sign of growth. And being certain about things is often dangerous.

No better time to jump in with both feet. I wouldn't even know what would be the worst thing that could happen if you were to get sober without conditions.

rainyengland

Welcome back !

I get what you mean about not sure if you should be here , I’ve had so many fails and posted drunk on here it’s embarrassing . It almost felt like I was letting a family member down

I hit rock bottom few weeks back , I didn’t post much but was welcomed back and offered support - that is what I needed , just knowing i have somewhere to turn too ..

stick with us 👍🏻

C0ntr0ls

I'm of the belief if you are talking/asking your self a question then there maybe something to it.

YMMV
Good Luck!

SmittyBittyBoo

I have been keeping this in my head since I read it. What does my best life look like? I will do lots of things I enjoy doing. But it won't be clouded in alcohol.

boreas

SBB,
I subscribe to the idea that alcoholism exists on a spectrum. Somewhere you move from “problem drinker” to “alcoholic”. Who knows exactly where that line is? I could look back on my drinking career, and see a steady escalation. There were a few embarrassing and scary events. In reading the devastating experiences of others, I could see my future.

In the end, the question of “Am I an alcoholic?” didn’t need an answer. I had a problem, so I made a change. It’s so worth it.

I lurked for years too. One of the water-in-your-face posts I read said, “Healthy drinkers don’t lurk recovery websites.”

Best wishes,
-bora