Icandothis2013

So I’m on Day 3 and have quite a lot of work to do as have a report due on Monday.
I have no idea where my son is or if he’s Ok.. I hope he is and would like to call him but it would end in abuse ( from him).
So I won’t, but it makes me sad ..I have a hunch that a hideous situation is brewing ( and my hunches with him eg about trouble with law, dreadful people he hangs out with, truanting, drugs etc are usually right ) no urge to drink though ..
Onwards !

Surrendered19

It might be a hunch, but it sounds like a very very educated hunch based on your lived experience with him ICDT. Keep yourself safe my friend. You don't have to shut him out of your life, but he needs to follow your rules. Don't go looking for him either. He'll pop up when he is desperate. When that happens, get some counseling on what those contacts should look like. I'm so happy you are gaurding your sobriety.

Mizz

You are dealing with two major life issues right now.

This "saving" of your son can be an addiction within itself. He gets in trouble and you reach in to help. You feel better after saving and he has his needs met. The verbal abuse and threats take place. You feel terrible and he goes on to do what he does. Rinse and repeat. (I could be totally off base and please correct me if I am)

A very intense dynamic and one that is not easily broken. You are breaking this cycle though. YAY!

This will become easier the more you are able to step away and not give in to the idea of "saving" him. It does hurt. Of course it hurts. Feel the hurt but keep that boundary. I am so glad you posted about it. Keep doing that.

Are you in Al-Anon? Have you heard of Al-Anon?

Icandothis2013

You are spot on ! That’s exactly what my therapist says ! Yes, I must stop the rinse and repeat !

sortofhomecomin

I have a friend from rehab in a similar situation. She had to get protection orders against both of her sons.

tornrealization

I don't think it's selfish in this situation to consider taking the time to work on your life and your sobriety first. I'm glad to see you have a therapist working with you and can help you through this situation. I'm wishing you all the strength.

Icandothis2013

Sortofhomecoming : And how did that work out eventually ? Did they ever reconcile ?

Obladi

My sponsor told me what she did in a similar situation. Once she got sober, she sent a text once/week that said, "Thinking of you today. I hope you are well." Something brief, positive that did not require a response from her son. She said she was sober for more than a year before he even responded. Several years down the road, and they are mending fences.

We spent a lot of time making a mess of our relationships when drinking, at least I did. And I made a worse mess trying to force it to be ok right away. I felt so desperate and needy chasing my child and obsessing over her, but I couldn't seem to help myself. I saw the wisdom in my sponsor's approach and though I have slipped away from the once/week approach (it's much less now), I have found that my anxiety about my relationship with that kid has lessened. There is nothing I can do to speed her healing or growth. Infuriatingly enough, that old saying 'Time takes time" turns out to be true.

O

sortofhomecomin

Not really as the protection orders are quite recent. They are 18 and 19 (the latter one will be 20 soon). They live with their father mostly. Every so often, she relents and invites one or other of them back to live with her (she has a nice house in a very good area, he has 'only' an apartment in an average area, so they would prefer to live with her)...and then predictably, trouble starts again. I don't have the energy to go into details, sorry, I will post more later. But maybe it's not the type of thing you need to be hearing.

Anna

You know that taking care of yourself involves you not contacting your son. You're still in very early recovery so use your energy to focus on you and what you can do to continue to stay sober.

RUL23

I am not a parent but I can only imagine. Must be so difficult. Hang in there. You'll come out of this soon and feel wonderful. Keep working hard.