usedtobesober

I had over 18 years sober, living in the Nashville area, and I started smoking pot in the past few months.
The people here where I live in AA don't care about me and they never did. I've lived here for 11 years.
I literally got 2 calls since I stopped going to meetings like 3 years ago.
Nobody calls me to check up on me or to even show they care.
Ever since my sponsor found out I voted for Trump, I was vilified by everyone.
Then I got in an argument with him and subsequently completely ostracized by the group of guys I thought actually gave a damn.
Everyone hates me everywhere now.
All I did was vote in 2016 for 'Cheeto-Hitler' and everyone hates me.
I will probably get banned here for even writing this.
I started smoking pot, well, to use as an anti-depressant.
Actual anti-depressants made me suicidal and I tried about 5 different ones.
So, since its okay for everyone to be taking anti-depressants, I guess I thought I should smoke pot.
What the hell.
When I'm 'under the influence,' I'm okay with myself and those around me.
When I'm not, everything is overwhelming and I just want to go hide and be alone.
I started to hate people.
I started to hate people in AA especially.
I trusted them.
And then they just threw me to the curb.
Those bastards hurt me and I want to hurt them back.
"Oh yeah, resentment, 4th step," you may say.
Did that with a guy on my resentments - actually did multiple 4th steps, but since everyone is involved in their stupid popularity contests, they didn't have time to actually L I S T E N to what I said.
They, "yeah-yeah'd," it and, "poo-poo'd," it because they tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal.
It was a big deal to me.
I couldn't get rid of the resentments, then these jerks just piled it on even higher, by adding around 30 lines to a new 4th step.
I knew how to do the work.
It just wouldn't take.
I also am unable to believe in your stupid Judeo-Christian 'god' - your Bibles, Korans, and Torahs. All that Abrahamic nonsense is for the birds. Why would I trust a punishing god that's going to send me to hell for being bad? Screw that.
I want forgiveness, not constant and unending criticism.
I hate this life.
You can have it.

Itstime4321

Alright man, you're in a bad place right now and I think it's a good idea to take a step back. I've been there buddy, stood on the bridge, picking my spot, the whole thing. I'm no expert and I can't fix your life, I can barely keep mine afloat, but I can say it seems to me like smoking weed is not doing your mental state any good. I think recognizing that no intoxicant will make this better is a good start.

Itstime4321

Whatever you want forgiveness for, it needs to start with yourself. And some people may think badly of you no matter what you do, that's just one of those things everyone has to accept.

advbike

Welcome UTBS. Glad you're here friend. Though some find the fellowship and program of AA helpful, some, such as myself did not. Many here, ultimately got sober with the help of the fine people here, and no other formal program. Just look around and see if there's something you find helpful. Oh and we don't do politics. I don't care who you voted for, just hope you make it through. I've found I don't do well holding onto resentments and anger.

Dee74

You sound like you're in a world of pain.
This is a good place to be - but yeah its best to lay off the politics here - we have a no politics rule.

How you voted is no ones business and nowhere near as important as what kind of future you want for yourself, and how we can help get you there.

I don't know much about AA but I'd imagine like anything its as good as it's best members and as bad as it=s worst ones.

Maybe a different group may be better, or even a different meeting based approach like SMART Recovery or lifering?

D

Itstime4321

I'd like you to enforce this rule in my everyday life thank you

Zencat

Welcome to SR usedtobesober

I feel where your coming from. Having the rug swept from under your feet. It hurts.

SR is a great place to start anew. No politics here, for the better that is.
More time to focus on what you are going do now?

I have found that 'letting go' of emotions that hinder my ability to have some peace of mind is life saving.
Holding onto anger only punishes you further than the unjust treatment you have already experienced.
Essentially your suffering is self-inflicted. I'm not being cruel or mean, Its my religion that informs me that:

“Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” When you think about it that way, it's going to hurt, but you are the one who's making the choice whether you're going to suffer or not. So choose to not suffer.
[Haruki Murakami]

It will hurt, a lot!. Then the hurt will pass.
Hope you stick around to show your progress as an inspiration for others.

Blessed be, Namaste

EndGameNYC

Wrong thread

DriGuy

Politics has absolutely nothing to do with sobriety. We understand that we need each other and the solidarity of mutual concern. We need to learn, to give, to receive, to ask for help, and offer a helping hand in friendship. Politics does none of that. Instead, it separates people into petty tribes, and the benefit of the individual is lost in the confusion of tribal warfare.

Mizz

Everyone has their own belief systems and we really try to respect that here. If you can refrain from calling other peoples gods stupid that would be beneficial. I don't believe as others do but there are members here who I highly respect and their belief system is what works for them........... I respect it. I value their words and so it works for me too!

Your sobriety has nothing to do with your politics.
You do sound like you are in a really bad head space.

Welcome!

Surrendered19

Hi UTBS and welcome to SR. We want you here with us and nobody here gives a rip who you voted for. That is not what we are here to talk about, and I'm going to hazard a guess that politics should take up less space in your head than it currently does. That is good advice for all of us.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad UTBS. My hope is that here on SR or in another group in your real life, you can find some support and understanding. This is a great forum and someone is always around to listen.

biminiblue

I hope you find your way.

That's a lot of anger and resentment.

There is a way out.

Hevyn

Usedtobe - Welcome to SR. I hope you'll post again & let us help if we can.
I remember how overwhelmed I felt when I first got sober. I'd been numb for a long time & my emotions were raw. Everything got better as I faced my problems & changed my attitude. You can do it.

anxiousrock

I have found the same in my AA group!
no one really calls, but I like to think they would if I disappeared? Who knows.
I dont think thats fair, there is no politics in AA.
I would be willing to help another alcoholic no matter whom they vote for, that's their business.

Surrendered19

How are you feeling about things UTBS? I hope your week improved and that you have a healthy sober weekend ahead of you.