I've tried many times....but this time it's PERMANENT.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 16
I've tried many times....but this time it's PERMANENT.
Hello everyone. I'm new here. First time I've actually joined a place like this....because I always knew deep down I had a problem but never wanted to admit outright. And because I didn't, I never sought out places like this to talk about things. Let me review what I've been through...
I've struggled with addiction since the age of 16. Once I was able to go out away from under parental supervision on my own, partying was the norm. And I'm not talking about a few friends sitting in our bedrooms drinking some beers. Im talking about full on house parties, sex was abundant all the time. Things you never thought a 16 year old would be doing...times that by 100. Well..things got worse at 17 when my mother passed away. She was murdered. Something most 17 yr olds wouldn't know how to cope with. But me, I'm a survivor. And though what happened to her is devastating, it made me stronger mentally and made me feel if I could handle that, then I could handle anything....in all but one aspect.
I became an alcoholic.. something I've dealt with ever since. Run ins with the law MULTIPLE times, abusive relationships torn apart by physical and emotional abuse from the other half, to the point where one of my exgfs purposely tried to kill us both in a car crash. Of which, ruined a future police career that i always wanted since the age of 5 years old. And again. I survive.
My alcoholism got extremely bad towards my mid to late 20s. I got married and of course, that went south. Alot was on her but me drinking didn't help at all. And I'll admit that. At this point I've tried, and failed, multiple times to get sober. But to no avail. We divorced after being together for 4 years. The divorce had me in the worst spot I've ever been in. I didnt care about anything at that point, and, at the age of 31, I caught my first (and only) DUI. I felt so embarassed. I sold my car because I felt I didn't deserve it. Paid for it all, went through outpatient rehab. Clean for 3 months...but still I wanted to drink. I did the rehab because the courts told me to. As soon as I was done...I started again. From there on out I felt bad drinking but I just did it out of habit. Wake up nearly every morning so hungover I couldn't even see. I was in and out of the bathroom because my body was now intolerant, from what doctors said. Again I tried to stop a few times but nope.
The dui happened in 2018. I woke up one day a few days ago and sat in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I've had enough. I wasted my 20s where I could've done something. No more. I've had it. This time IT'S PERMANENT. And this time I didn't feel bad or pissed off that I had to do it. That was a first and that's how I know it was the right time. Im gonna start going to AA on Monday...the first time ever in my life that I'm going willingly and not having the courts make me do it. My father, all I've had left in this world since my mom died, the man who's tried his best since I was 17 to make me see that there was so much more in this world than partying...is still here and 100% has my back, hasn't given up on me and still helps me whenever needed. And told me "you're my daughter...you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can beat this and you'll pull through i know it".
As I cry writing that last part, and I'm sorry for this being so long it's my first time ever trying to talk about things, i know it's gonna be a struggle to finally do this.. but I finally want it.. I'll be 5 days clean today WILLINGLY. And here's to just 5 more. And after that, just 5 more....I'm so lucky to have found this place. Thank you guys for reading
I've struggled with addiction since the age of 16. Once I was able to go out away from under parental supervision on my own, partying was the norm. And I'm not talking about a few friends sitting in our bedrooms drinking some beers. Im talking about full on house parties, sex was abundant all the time. Things you never thought a 16 year old would be doing...times that by 100. Well..things got worse at 17 when my mother passed away. She was murdered. Something most 17 yr olds wouldn't know how to cope with. But me, I'm a survivor. And though what happened to her is devastating, it made me stronger mentally and made me feel if I could handle that, then I could handle anything....in all but one aspect.
I became an alcoholic.. something I've dealt with ever since. Run ins with the law MULTIPLE times, abusive relationships torn apart by physical and emotional abuse from the other half, to the point where one of my exgfs purposely tried to kill us both in a car crash. Of which, ruined a future police career that i always wanted since the age of 5 years old. And again. I survive.
My alcoholism got extremely bad towards my mid to late 20s. I got married and of course, that went south. Alot was on her but me drinking didn't help at all. And I'll admit that. At this point I've tried, and failed, multiple times to get sober. But to no avail. We divorced after being together for 4 years. The divorce had me in the worst spot I've ever been in. I didnt care about anything at that point, and, at the age of 31, I caught my first (and only) DUI. I felt so embarassed. I sold my car because I felt I didn't deserve it. Paid for it all, went through outpatient rehab. Clean for 3 months...but still I wanted to drink. I did the rehab because the courts told me to. As soon as I was done...I started again. From there on out I felt bad drinking but I just did it out of habit. Wake up nearly every morning so hungover I couldn't even see. I was in and out of the bathroom because my body was now intolerant, from what doctors said. Again I tried to stop a few times but nope.
The dui happened in 2018. I woke up one day a few days ago and sat in the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I've had enough. I wasted my 20s where I could've done something. No more. I've had it. This time IT'S PERMANENT. And this time I didn't feel bad or pissed off that I had to do it. That was a first and that's how I know it was the right time. Im gonna start going to AA on Monday...the first time ever in my life that I'm going willingly and not having the courts make me do it. My father, all I've had left in this world since my mom died, the man who's tried his best since I was 17 to make me see that there was so much more in this world than partying...is still here and 100% has my back, hasn't given up on me and still helps me whenever needed. And told me "you're my daughter...you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. You can beat this and you'll pull through i know it".
As I cry writing that last part, and I'm sorry for this being so long it's my first time ever trying to talk about things, i know it's gonna be a struggle to finally do this.. but I finally want it.. I'll be 5 days clean today WILLINGLY. And here's to just 5 more. And after that, just 5 more....I'm so lucky to have found this place. Thank you guys for reading
Member
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Sonoran Desert & Southeast Asia
Posts: 6,561
Welcome Va2Mi87.. Glad to have you here with us, and so sorry to hear your story, and about your mom. Tragedy and trauma like that are a lot to deal with for a young person. May I ask if you have had any counseling? I know you are tough but sometimes we just bury it all inside and that's not good. Then we drink or use to take away the pain.
I hear real resolve in your words. That is really the key to making it happen. You are still young and can have a wonderful life ahead of you. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man. You are lucky in that respect. And congrats on 5 days - that is amazing, and means you've got it all out of your system by now. You're obviously very strong.
The most important thing to do right now is stay sober. Keep posting on here and reading. If you want, you can also join the February 2021 class - it's comprised of others who quit this month so you can all share and help each other. It's hard to do it alone, from my own experience. But you are also welcome to just keep posting here too.
There is an amazing amount of support here, I'm glad you found us!
I hear real resolve in your words. That is really the key to making it happen. You are still young and can have a wonderful life ahead of you. Your dad sounds like a wonderful man. You are lucky in that respect. And congrats on 5 days - that is amazing, and means you've got it all out of your system by now. You're obviously very strong.
The most important thing to do right now is stay sober. Keep posting on here and reading. If you want, you can also join the February 2021 class - it's comprised of others who quit this month so you can all share and help each other. It's hard to do it alone, from my own experience. But you are also welcome to just keep posting here too.
There is an amazing amount of support here, I'm glad you found us!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 16
Thank you guys so much. Honestly I've never really had anybody to talk to when it comes to this my entire life. My dad like I said extremely supportive, but once we took care of all my mo.s funeral stuff not too long after he was right back out to sea to support me and him. I basically raised myself into adulthood and beyond right after she passed. Once I hit my mid 20s he finally tried to stay closer to home and now he's mostly strictly homebound so that helps. And then I have a brother who's a heavy alcohol as well. So can't really talk to him either and he outright refuses to get the help im willing to. He's not a violent drunk but drinks fro. The time he gets up until around bedtime.
Not many I've been able to talk to until now, now that I truly want sobriety. You guys are a breath of fresh air.. AA is good but when you want many people with the same problem as you to talk to, where can you go? So this was a god send im so glad this forum exists!
I haven't nt gotten counseling but I've been thinking about that. I'll look into the 2021 class!
Not many I've been able to talk to until now, now that I truly want sobriety. You guys are a breath of fresh air.. AA is good but when you want many people with the same problem as you to talk to, where can you go? So this was a god send im so glad this forum exists!
I haven't nt gotten counseling but I've been thinking about that. I'll look into the 2021 class!
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,445
The February Support thread is here. All you need to do to join is post in it 
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pt-1-a-13.html
D
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...pt-1-a-13.html
D
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: California
Posts: 13,044
Welcome to SR! It took me a while to finally get sobriety right, but when I knew it was the time that was going to be different. I am now five years sober, and this site has been my greatest support.
Looking forward to seeing you on SR, and celebrating your sobriety milestones!
Looking forward to seeing you on SR, and celebrating your sobriety milestones!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2015
Location: NSW - Australia
Posts: 14,594
Welcome Va2mMi87.
Lots of loss and trauma in your life, and I'm so very sorry.
You'll find many of us here have suffered our own personal trauma, loss, so you are in good company.
I'm now 13 months sober, and it is so much better. I wish the same for you, and can tell from your post you want it.
I don't go to AA anymore, but when I did it helped enormously. The meeting and sharing with others who had similar problem to my own kept me focussed on sobriety. I felt understood.
I hope you continue to post with all of the ups ups and downs of your getting sober. I can say unreservedly that even the 'downs' when sober are far superior to any any of the ill conceived 'ups' of drinking.
Welcome to SR. It has been a godsend for me too.
Lots of loss and trauma in your life, and I'm so very sorry.
You'll find many of us here have suffered our own personal trauma, loss, so you are in good company.
I'm now 13 months sober, and it is so much better. I wish the same for you, and can tell from your post you want it.
I don't go to AA anymore, but when I did it helped enormously. The meeting and sharing with others who had similar problem to my own kept me focussed on sobriety. I felt understood.
I hope you continue to post with all of the ups ups and downs of your getting sober. I can say unreservedly that even the 'downs' when sober are far superior to any any of the ill conceived 'ups' of drinking.
Welcome to SR. It has been a godsend for me too.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Hi Va2Mi87. Welcome to SR. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Tough tough stuff but it sounds like you are rising above your past and the trauma that you have endured now. And screw your 20's. Most of us don't do anything to improve the world in our 20's. We're just casting about and figuring out who you are so you are in good company there. I will say that you are SO wise for taking your health and recovery seriously at such a young age. You have a full life ahead of you to fill any way you want. When I was your age, I drank hard for another 20+ years. Trust me - don't do that.
5 days is a fantastic start by the way!!! I worry about you younglings though. At your age you can still reclaim much, if not all, of your youthful energy and strength and then, what will the Alcoholic Voice in your head conclude??? "I can moderate and drink like a normal person now!!! Yaaayyyy!!" Don't fall for it my friend.
5 days is a fantastic start by the way!!! I worry about you younglings though. At your age you can still reclaim much, if not all, of your youthful energy and strength and then, what will the Alcoholic Voice in your head conclude??? "I can moderate and drink like a normal person now!!! Yaaayyyy!!" Don't fall for it my friend.
Erica375
Join Date: Aug 2020
Location: MA
Posts: 493
Welcome! Have you thought about attending a Zoom AA meeting? I haven't been to a meeting in years (I prefer other programs) but I am loving being able to get to a meeting without even having to get out of bed! 😃😁
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Welcome to SR!
I commend you for reaching out and for getting support for yourself. You have taken an amazing step here.
You have been through an immense amount of trauma. I am sure it was very difficult for you to share that part of your story. I am so glad you did.
First things first, right? Get sober. Learn to walk in sobriety and see what that is about. You can then tackle the past when it is time to do so. It sounds like you are on the right path and intuitively know what is best for you.
It was very touching to hear how your father is supportive. We all need IRL support. He sounds like he has done all that he could with what was presented to all of you. He loves you. That is something to cherish. He is right about you being strong. He is right about you pulling through this. I don't know you but I believe you will recover. I believe you are on the road to heal. I believe in you 100%.
Stay close. Post often. I look forward to hearing about your journey. I am really happy you are here now!
I commend you for reaching out and for getting support for yourself. You have taken an amazing step here.
You have been through an immense amount of trauma. I am sure it was very difficult for you to share that part of your story. I am so glad you did.
First things first, right? Get sober. Learn to walk in sobriety and see what that is about. You can then tackle the past when it is time to do so. It sounds like you are on the right path and intuitively know what is best for you.
It was very touching to hear how your father is supportive. We all need IRL support. He sounds like he has done all that he could with what was presented to all of you. He loves you. That is something to cherish. He is right about you being strong. He is right about you pulling through this. I don't know you but I believe you will recover. I believe you are on the road to heal. I believe in you 100%.
Stay close. Post often. I look forward to hearing about your journey. I am really happy you are here now!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 424
Welcome Va2Mi87. Great job on 5 days sober. This website is a great resource in your journey to sobriety.
I finally reached out to AA for this quit and it’s been a great resource in my journey so far. I absolutely resonate with just being done with drinking.
Remember to be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time and reach out when you need—support from others is immeasurable in this journey. Lean in and on us when you need to—someone is always here.
I finally reached out to AA for this quit and it’s been a great resource in my journey so far. I absolutely resonate with just being done with drinking.
Remember to be gentle with yourself, take it one day at a time and reach out when you need—support from others is immeasurable in this journey. Lean in and on us when you need to—someone is always here.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2019
Posts: 175
Thank you for the post! I'm inspired by the vulnerability you expressed here in your post. I resonate so much with what you are sharing. We all have varying backgrounds, but we all struggle with addiction in a similar way. The hope is that you can have this be a permanent solution. It will be one day at a time like the rest of us. Creating a whole new life will help you. I found that going to AA and diving into the program was the only way to keep me permanently stopped. Doing it my way didn't work the four previous times I attempted at long-term sobriety. I had to surrender to something greater than myself because as far as alcohol and drugs are concerned, I'm powerless. All the best, keep coming back!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,513
Welcome, Va, and I'm glad you found us. I'm very sorry for the violent loss of your mother.
I think the fact that you've chosen to stop drinking and are doing it for yourself is huge. I had to get to that point too, and it's so important to feel that way.
You will find lots of support here.
I think the fact that you've chosen to stop drinking and are doing it for yourself is huge. I had to get to that point too, and it's so important to feel that way.
You will find lots of support here.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2021
Location: Virginia Beach, Virginia
Posts: 16
Just hopped on for the first time today and man am I overcome by emotion!
I started crying so hard. Because besides my dad, never in my life have I seen so many people support me and say they're proud of me! All I've wanted in life was some motivation to go on and maybe, just maybe, thats why I kept failing when I tried. Because when one tries as many times as I have to stay sober, and then falls off again, it proves they want it they just don't have the right support.
Seriously I cant thank you guys enough! Again I've never really had people tell me to keep pushing and that they support me. It truly means alot. I cant wait to tell yall in a few short days that im one week sober! You most definitely will hear from me on Sunday! And I'll be checking in with you guys and replying throughout!
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. I love yall already <3
I started crying so hard. Because besides my dad, never in my life have I seen so many people support me and say they're proud of me! All I've wanted in life was some motivation to go on and maybe, just maybe, thats why I kept failing when I tried. Because when one tries as many times as I have to stay sober, and then falls off again, it proves they want it they just don't have the right support.
Seriously I cant thank you guys enough! Again I've never really had people tell me to keep pushing and that they support me. It truly means alot. I cant wait to tell yall in a few short days that im one week sober! You most definitely will hear from me on Sunday! And I'll be checking in with you guys and replying throughout!
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. I love yall already <3
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 729
Originally Posted by Va2Mi87 
Just hopped on for the first time today and man am I overcome by emotion!
I started crying so hard. Because besides my dad, never in my life have I seen so many people support me and say they're proud of me! All I've wanted in life was some motivation to go on and maybe, just maybe, thats why I kept failing when I tried. Because when one tries as many times as I have to stay sober, and then falls off again, it proves they want it they just don't have the right support.
Seriously I cant thank you guys enough! Again I've never really had people tell me to keep pushing and that they support me. It truly means alot. I cant wait to tell yall in a few short days that im one week sober! You most definitely will hear from me on Sunday! And I'll be checking in with you guys and replying throughout!
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. I love yall already <3
I started crying so hard. Because besides my dad, never in my life have I seen so many people support me and say they're proud of me! All I've wanted in life was some motivation to go on and maybe, just maybe, thats why I kept failing when I tried. Because when one tries as many times as I have to stay sober, and then falls off again, it proves they want it they just don't have the right support.
Seriously I cant thank you guys enough! Again I've never really had people tell me to keep pushing and that they support me. It truly means alot. I cant wait to tell yall in a few short days that im one week sober! You most definitely will hear from me on Sunday! And I'll be checking in with you guys and replying throughout!
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. I love yall already <3
And we have all been where you are now. I can feel your determination to find a road to recovery and know that you don’t have to ever go through this hard withdrawal phase again. You can live another way, a better way, without self-medicating with alcohol.
You have dealt with so much trauma in your life and I am so sorry you lost your mother in such a violent way when you were so young. The impact of this kind of trauma is enormous and will be something you may well need to seek professional help for , over time. But as others had said, this is much easier to do sober. Trauma and alcoholism definitely go hand in hand, and I also spent decades trying to deal with/manage trauma with alcohol. It didn’t work.
Is great to hear you have support from your dad and will embrace AA. I reluctantly started going to AA on zoom out of desperation and have found it to be an amazing fellowship.
Be kind to yourself as you walk unsteadily on your new sober legs and post here often. Especially if you are struggling. there is always someone here to respond.
xx
bona fido dog-lover
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: SF Bay area, CA
Posts: 99,784
Welcome to the family. 
Remember, you don't have to wait until you've got more sober time to post. Post any time you like.
SR has been my main source of support and I hope we can help you as much as SR has helped me.
Remember, you don't have to wait until you've got more sober time to post. Post any time you like. SR has been my main source of support and I hope we can help you as much as SR has helped me.
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