2muchpain

Why is it that I always seem to spend so much time beating up on myself on things that don't go well versus the things that do? Most of my days go well, but all it takes is one thing that screws that up and all I do is think about that. I know that all the things that go wrong aren't my fault, but I still think I could of done something to keep that from happening. For example; as a substitute teacher, I have to deal with a wide variety of issues. I had an assignment this Wednesday that went well except for several students that were extremely rude and noncomplient. Had to call the office for help. They were removed, but I still feel that maybe if I dealt with the problem differently, things might of turned out different. I know I am not responsible for others' behaviors. Another student did ask me for advice on dealing with a personal problem and I felt pretty good that he was comfortable talking to me about it, and that helped, but still I was a failure that day. I don't know; maybe it's the small subtle positive changes that really counts and not the major hurdles we have to endure. Maybe the little things that we see as not important are really the things that make the greatest difference. Putting this out there helps a lot. I really hope this helps others that are dealing with this. Maybe we need to realize we are not perfect and pat ourselves on the back for all the little things we do to make our lives and the lives of others better. John

WaterOx

Yes! Thank you for putting this out there. It DOES help!
I can't imagine I'd last a day as a teacher. It sounds to me like you dealt with it totally appropriately. In my view, a teacher's job is to teach, not to deal with people who don't want to be taught. Kids have two choices: either learn or go somewhere else. They chose the latter, did they not?

But I understand where you're coming from. For the first time in my life I've just become "the boss" of someone else and yesterday I made my first difficult decision. I'm still awaiting the reaction from my employee and hoping we won't have a confrontation. It's difficult to avoid all those hundreds of permutations that go through our head...how could we have handled it different? Could we have said something better?

When I get bogged down by these thoughts I ask myself whether I was being effective or not. If yes, then I did my job. If no, then how could I have done something that was more effective?

In your case it sounds like your were effective. You resolved the problem and did your job. Now you have just a little more experience for the next time.

Anna

John, I think if a student asks you for help with a personal problem, that's a big deal. Pat yourself on the back for being approachable.

I have to watch myself for not focusing enough on the good things that happen in a day. It doesn't come naturally to me. I think being aware of it is really important.

advbike

Great job man. You are a good and sincere teacher.

Of course we all make mistakes from time to time, the goal is simply to learn from them. But we alcoholics do beat ourselves up and it's great you were able to step back and see the whole picture, and acknowledge the good you are doing. Students like that need to be removed because they do not value your time and disrupt the learning of others. Many others benefited from your decision. Good job!

Thanks for posting that. You're doing great John.

aasharon90

Progress not perfection is a saying taught to me and try
to remember it when people, places or things don't go to
my according or expectations.

From what I read, I am in aw of you. That I think highly
of you and what you are doing and what you are accomplishing
with your career, job, and those little ones.

There will be times that as much as we try, we may never
be able reach some of those little minds. Remembering,
we many not know what all these little ones are going thru
possibly at home.

While I was in grade school and high school, the teachers
and many of the kids never knew of the abuse I was going
thru at home at the hand of a dr. jeckle/mr.hyde personality
mom.

Those kids I sat with in school made fun of me and never
knew i was physically, mentally, emotionally abused by a
bully of a parent.

So, i went to school, sucked it up, pretended I was okay
and feared to never let others know that horrible secret.

How many of those kids do you know personally?

Do you know what goes on behind closed doors once
they leave your sight and return home?

Im not saying those little ones you may not be reaching,
are being abused or having trouble at home.

Anyway, now a days, teachers have to learn how to be
more than just teachers to many kids. Like being a friend,
confidant, councilor etc.

There will be kids that will come to you and you listen to
them and give helpful advice, direction, suggestions and
then there will be those that will shut you out.

Anyway, continue to grow and learn and be the best person
you can possibly be to yourself but to those that look up to
you, like you already have.

Keep up the good work teach...!!!!!

novips

The Big Book says: "Continue to watch for selfishness, dishonesty, resentment, and fear. When these crop up, we ask God at once to remove them. We discuss them with someone immediately and make amends quickly if we have harmed anyone. Then we resolutely turn our thoughts to someone we can help."

I treat the temptation to beat myself up over things that I perceive to have gone badly as a form of resentment. Thus, I try to get on my knees and ask God to remove my disturbance as soon as I become aware of it.

I treat the "discuss with someone" instruction as a type of 5th Step. Thus, I run my "resentment" through the four columns as if I was writing a 4th Step. This often helps me get clarity on the issue and makes my subsequent discussion with my sponsor that much more effective.

Finally, sometimes I treat the "turn our thoughts" instruction as simply an instruction to pray for the perceived source of my disturbance. Perhaps in your situation that would take the form of a prayer for the unruly students.

Obviously, if it is revealed to me in the process of practicing this 10th Step that I owe an amend -- then I do my best to make it.

Anyway, that's just what popped into my head when I read your post. As they say, take what you can use; leave the rest.

Thanks for sharing. I hope you're feeling better.

2muchpain

After starting this thread, I thought about something I haven't thought about in a long time. I have to make sure my ego doesn't get in my way. I have been told that I'm arrogant and maybe there is something to that. It's a fine line between arrogance and confidence. Giving my best doesn't mean that things will always turn out the way I want. As I said before; little things make big changes. Not drinking today might be a little thing, but it can lead to big changes. Do not let your arrogance or ego keep you from having a better life. John

Dee74

I am sure there’s a long list of students you have helped John

D

2muchpain

aasharon, you are absolutely right about not knowing what the kids I deal with, especially the disruptive ones are going through at home or elsewhere. Kids act out for many reasons. It's usually a sign that something is not going well in their lives and that makes me very sad. I've also noticed over the years I've been working with kids is that sometimes it's the quiet ones that have it the worse. The student that asked my advice on a personal problem was sitting quietly in the back of the room. I subbed in that classroom several times so maybe that's why he felt comfortable talking to me. Sometimes kids will talk to a sub that they know well before they will talk to anybody else. Helps to keep me both humble and grateful. John

Mizz

I was the disruptive kid in class. In fact, I was the kid that was in a class with all the disruptive kids..... I truly have never thought about the "teacher" up until this moment and its good you have shared what you went through.

My disruption was solely based on my life circumstances. I was living home to home with strangers and had a parent who was abusing drugs and was homeless. I was unable to focus on the task of learning and unable to be respectful towards others. I was seriously troubled. I also was hanging with a group of young tweens/ teens that were also disruptive and we all seemed to influence each other in various bad ways. Not to say these young individuals you are working with have the same set of circumstances. They could. They also could be feeding off each others energy and acting in a manner that seems "cool" at the time.

I commend you for calling for backup. You did the right thing. There really is no way around it if the disruptive ones do not want to comply. The job is to teach and not to deal with all of the disruption and chaos that young people can bring to the table at times. The young person you did help will probably look back on your words of advice and be thankful you were there in their time of need.

When I was able to be open to others, as a young person, I received valuable advice from people that were there to teach me. The "openness" was not often, but there were moments.

I look back on my very young self and I have a lot of compassion for her. I also have a lot of compassion and empathy towards the adults who tried to teach me but made zero headway. As an adult now, in my 40's, I would apologize to those teachers I disrespected. It was never about them. Ever. I think they know. I hope they do.


Keep doing the next best thing. Call for backup when you need it. You get a GOLD STAR from me!

2muchpain

mizz, your post really helped me a lot!! I was raised in a very abusive home. The only reason I didn't act out in school was because if my father got a call from the school, I knew I'd be beaten. Not because he wanted me to do well in school. But because he got the call and made him look bad. I was one of those quiet ones that sat in the back of the class cause I didn't want to deal with that strap. It was one of those military belts with all the ridges. It hurt like hell. I can still feel the pain today. Nuff said. John
PS. You shouldn't feel guilty over the problems you caused when you were in school. You did the best you could under the circumstance you were dealing with. Everyone has a release valve to get rid of pain. Acting out at school was yours. Mine was internalizing it and abusing drugs. Frankly, your way was probably the healthiest way to deal with what you were going through. The next time I walk into a classroom, I'll think about your post. John

Mizz

John.
I am really sorry to hear of your experience.
I am sorry for both of us actually. I just cant even wrap my head around some of the abuse people have endured.

Even for myself, I feel like it is someone else's story entirely. You made it through....probably not without a few mental, emotional and possibly physical scars. Me too. We are killing it now! That is what matters.

Helping those youth is your calling, Man! I can feel it. Walk proudly and teach our young minds.

Surrendered19

You might want to avoid labels and the language of "failure" 2muchpain, especially when it comes to evaluating yourself and how you are making your way through this life. To your point, us addicts to tend to be VERY self-centered and let our egos get in the way of progress sometimes. Also, as a group we tend to be our own worst critics. I read and re-read your post above and I have to tell you it sounds like you did an amazing job in a really tough situation. Not at all a failure.

Maybe try to move through the day without so much self-criticism, labeling and misinterpreting the lack of perfection as "failure." You are obviously very far from that.

Obladi

In my experience, there is a fine line between arrogance and insecurity. When I finally learned that what other people do is almost always entirely about them, I was able to let myself off the hook. I think a lot of us were made to feel responsible (and guilty) for things that were wrong during our formative years. The people who did that to us were by no means unusual in their social habits, but it wounded us nonetheless. It gave me a sense of ownership for every bad thing that happened in my sphere, for every bad feeling I had about it, and even for feeling bad about feeling bad! What a cluster.

Today, if I do as well as I can, that's good enough. And if my emotional reaction to something is far out of proportion to what actually happened, I investigate the "why" of that in a fact-finding way. What is it within me that is so disturbed? How do I best take care of myself in this moment of vulnerability? Takes some practice, to be sure. But I've found it to be well worth the effort.

O