Wastinglife

I'm single and live alone. I've spent the entire pandemic alone. My drinking is why I'm alone and loneliness is one reason why I drink. Counterintuitive for sure. I have suicidal ideations from time to time. Never actually been suicidal or in a place where I am taking action but I get passing thoughts. It's more common than most people think.

I will probably not see a single person i know for the next year at least. l'm prepared for that. I need to be alone as i battle my alcoholism. Im sober now but i know that can change in an instant.

EndGameNYC

Hi John

Feeling lonely sucks. The word itself carries surplus meaning that usually places it in a pejorative light. (I was going to type "you're not alone" until I said it in my head two times.)

The fact that there are people who, by your perspective, are doing worse than you are, does not and is not a reason to diminish, dismiss, or invalidate whatever it is that you're feeling. (I know this because I went to Catholic School where, at that time and place, the only solution to this was to pray or go to confession. Maybe that's why there's writing on this page?)

Suffering is suffering. Censoring or otherwise editing my feelings, my emotional state at any given time, always ends badly. This boomerang comes back twice as hard. Analyzing my emotions contaminates the experience for me. It has never been worth the effort.

This time of year is historically difficult for me on an emotional level. I need to push myself to stay connected with the people in my life. I'm not fond of social media generally, but what would many of our lives have been without it since February of 2020?

I don't have any advice or suggestions. Besides walking around in the city and spending time in the cities' parks, I don't stray very far from home. I used to go to the movies a lot. At least once every weekend. I like foreign films, and I'm too distracted at home to follow the subtitles for more than a few minutes. Down to the the Village, Little Italy, and Chinatown, sometimes for dinner.

Life gets different when I allow myself to grieve the heartbreaking, the devastating, and the everyday losses. It's the only thing that helps me to move on.

EndGameNYC

I hadn't read this before I replied your first post in this thread.

It's good that you brought up your suicidal thoughts. It's a good way to interrupt a dangerous line of thought by getting feedback from other people, some of whom have been there. A strong part of you wants to be alive.

Fear eventually persuades us to make negative, sometimes catastrophic predictions about our future. It distorts our thinking, sometimes to confirm precisely what it is that we fear. Preparing for the worst doesn't include scaring ourselves to death. Talking about such things can help us to interrupt and partially/temporarily mitigate a painful state of being.

I don't know how you are with calling helplines/hotlines. There was a time during my relapse from 2008 through 2011 when I was trying to get sober while working in a near minimum-wage job. I'd call the hotlines from work. I didn't do much else but sit and watch. It made a very big difference for me, helped me to keep on going.

There are also offers of free therapy and counseling out there. Maybe it's worth a try?

I'm happy that you continue to reach out. It's impossible to help people who don't.

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entropy1964

Hi John

I relate very much to your posts about loneliness. And frankly, I don't always understand my own 'feelings' about being alone. I guess we just are, aren't we? I get the fear of being sick and having no one to help. Totally get that. When Covid first hit our reality I got all prepared. Medicine, thermometer, non perishable food (that's still in the pantry), lots of beverages blah blah. I stopped going to the gym, which I have been religious about for decades, last February. I bought masks and started wearing them long before anyone told me to. I made my own hand sanitizer. I guess I didn't need to be told what to do, seemed obvious. Remember when we were being told NOT to wear masks? Oh my, what a stupid mistake.

Anywho, I have family. But they don't call. Ever. I don't call them. Haha. So well, who's that on? Sometimes I think my feelings about loneliness or being alone get all jumbled up because I 'feel' like I should 'feel' badly. And if I'm honest, I like being alone. So am I lonely? Hell I don't know. I read an article the other day about how relationships can help stave off dementia. Oh dear. I'm doomed. Both parents have severe dementia so its always a topic I'm interested in.

I don't know where I'm going with any of this except to say I hear you. And your posts make me think about my own feelings about my loneliness. Or my being alone. And what that means to me. And I just don't know. I am starting a job next Thursday. Serious YIKES. I am working from home at first. Lots of zoom meetings. In some ways I think that will be good for me. Kind of sliiiiddddinggg back into all that human interaction. I go days without uttering word to anyone other than my dog or myself, sometimes just talking to someone can feel foreign. Like, wow, I'm uh communicating. Haha. That sounds crazy.

Sometimes I think that how I perceive societies expectations of how I should feel or should be living my life are harder for me than the reality. Like if the concept of loneliness didn't exist I wouldn't even ponder it. Ok wow. I'm going on.

I guess just know there are a lot of 'alone'-ers out that. Maybe I am a loner. I don't know. But I don't think so. We can be together in our alone-ness.

2muchpain

I just want to thank everyone for all your kind words and support. It always helps to put it out there and get it off my chest. I also learned that when I get in this mood, it's important to keep moving and not sit around brooding. Sometimes, I'll give myself a day to feel sorry for myself then get moving. But thinking about all the things I'm grateful for kept me from doing that. I credit all you people for that. Never would of done that without you. Just got back from the gym and feeling pretty good. Working out seems to help me to think clearly. It helps to unclutter my mind and dump negative thoughts. For once, I actually did everything I needed to do to get out of this mess. I was determined to not go into that black hole I've been before. I owe all of you for this. Thanks, John

fishkiller

That makes me happy!
Great job!