New here and day 1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 10
New here and day 1
I'm new to this forum and am back to day 1. So happy I found a place I feel like I can be honest without shame. I have been a binge drinker for years. I managed to keep myself together for most of this year through this pandemic. Last summer I was laid off due to Covid cuts and started drinking more heavily. I was able to land on my feet, found an even better job at the end of the summer and kept my drinking to what I thought was "manageable". Oh, the lies I was telling myself! A few months ago, for no apparent reason, I blacked out and told my best friend of over 25 years to F off. I don't even know why. I tried to apologize and rightfully so, she went off on me. That spiraled me into an even darker place these last two months of drinking even more to numb out the hurtful things I said and continued to send extremely hurtful, awful things to her when nothing was even her fault.
I have managed to start tapering off my alcohol use over the last two weeks. I didn't drink from New Years to yesterday and decided last night I would have a few drinks that were left in my house, wake up, and make a serious attempt at sobriety. I have felt a deep amount of shame, embarrassment and sense of loss. I destroyed one of the most important people in my life. I did call and tell her over the weekend that I was deeply sorry for my words and wanted to wish her a happy new year and that if she didn't want to get in touch with me that I would completely understand.
I know that I need to focus on me now but it is very difficult to face my shame and embarrassment. I will keep coming back here daily for support. I've read many of the posts and it helps to know there are others out there that can relate. I can no longer use alcohol as a way to block out my words and how badly I screwed up. I know all I can do is better myself and realize that alcohol has done nothing for me this year except ruin my relationships. I'm glad that this was what I decided was my rock bottom before something worse happened in my life.
I have managed to start tapering off my alcohol use over the last two weeks. I didn't drink from New Years to yesterday and decided last night I would have a few drinks that were left in my house, wake up, and make a serious attempt at sobriety. I have felt a deep amount of shame, embarrassment and sense of loss. I destroyed one of the most important people in my life. I did call and tell her over the weekend that I was deeply sorry for my words and wanted to wish her a happy new year and that if she didn't want to get in touch with me that I would completely understand.
I know that I need to focus on me now but it is very difficult to face my shame and embarrassment. I will keep coming back here daily for support. I've read many of the posts and it helps to know there are others out there that can relate. I can no longer use alcohol as a way to block out my words and how badly I screwed up. I know all I can do is better myself and realize that alcohol has done nothing for me this year except ruin my relationships. I'm glad that this was what I decided was my rock bottom before something worse happened in my life.
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Join Date: Sep 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 808
Originally Posted by mjenner2014 
I'm new to this forum and am back to day 1. So happy I found a place I feel like I can be honest without shame. I have been a binge drinker for years. I managed to keep myself together for most of this year through this pandemic. Last summer I was laid off due to Covid cuts and started drinking more heavily. I was able to land on my feet, found an even better job at the end of the summer and kept my drinking to what I thought was "manageable". Oh, the lies I was telling myself! A few months ago, for no apparent reason, I blacked out and told my best friend of over 25 years to F off. I don't even know why. I tried to apologize and rightfully so, she went off on me. That spiraled me into an even darker place these last two months of drinking even more to numb out the hurtful things I said and continued to send extremely hurtful, awful things to her when nothing was even her fault.
I have managed to start tapering off my alcohol use over the last two weeks. I didn't drink from New Years to yesterday and decided last night I would have a few drinks that were left in my house, wake up, and make a serious attempt at sobriety. I have felt a deep amount of shame, embarrassment and sense of loss. I destroyed one of the most important people in my life. I did call and tell her over the weekend that I was deeply sorry for my words and wanted to wish her a happy new year and that if she didn't want to get in touch with me that I would completely understand.
I know that I need to focus on me now but it is very difficult to face my shame and embarrassment. I will keep coming back here daily for support. I've read many of the posts and it helps to know there are others out there that can relate. I can no longer use alcohol as a way to block out my words and how badly I screwed up. I know all I can do is better myself and realize that alcohol has done nothing for me this year except ruin my relationships. I'm glad that this was what I decided was my rock bottom before something worse happened in my life.
I have managed to start tapering off my alcohol use over the last two weeks. I didn't drink from New Years to yesterday and decided last night I would have a few drinks that were left in my house, wake up, and make a serious attempt at sobriety. I have felt a deep amount of shame, embarrassment and sense of loss. I destroyed one of the most important people in my life. I did call and tell her over the weekend that I was deeply sorry for my words and wanted to wish her a happy new year and that if she didn't want to get in touch with me that I would completely understand.
I know that I need to focus on me now but it is very difficult to face my shame and embarrassment. I will keep coming back here daily for support. I've read many of the posts and it helps to know there are others out there that can relate. I can no longer use alcohol as a way to block out my words and how badly I screwed up. I know all I can do is better myself and realize that alcohol has done nothing for me this year except ruin my relationships. I'm glad that this was what I decided was my rock bottom before something worse happened in my life.
I destroyed a 25 year friendship with a friend of mine while I was intoxicated. He got sober. I didn't and I was bitter about it. I told him the only reason he got sober and was able to stay sober was because of his 2nd DUI where he was forced by the court to stay sober for 1 year. Well, he did not appreciate that and rightfully so. This was over 2 years ago now and I still have never heard from him again even after I apologized countless times. Sometimes we just can't take back the vile, stupid things we say when we're drunk.
Anyway, we can all relate. Please join us in the January class and let's make 2021 the year we get off the evil sauce and change our lives.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2014
Location: Midwest US
Posts: 157
Welcome mjenner! You should join us in the January Class! I know the shame can be awful but you never have to treat anyone close to you that way again. Being sober and having no regrets when I wake up in the morning is the best feeling!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 3,748
Welcome!
I am sorry for what you are dealing with in terms of your friend and all that has happened. It is really painful. I have gone through something similar last year and so I empathize and send compassion your way.
You are off to a great start here. I had an accountability thread for awhile and now I post on the sober bus (over in the alcoholism section)
There are numerous threads all over this forum you can join if you want. Stay close. Post often. Read around. We are here for you.
Congrats on your resolve. You can do this!
I am sorry for what you are dealing with in terms of your friend and all that has happened. It is really painful. I have gone through something similar last year and so I empathize and send compassion your way.
You are off to a great start here. I had an accountability thread for awhile and now I post on the sober bus (over in the alcoholism section)
There are numerous threads all over this forum you can join if you want. Stay close. Post often. Read around. We are here for you.
Congrats on your resolve. You can do this!
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
Welcome mjenner, It's so true that alcohol robs us of the things that are most important to us. I'm sorry for your situation with your friend. Maybe things will work out and maybe not, but either way, being sober is going to help you get through this.
And, yes, shame and embarrassment are two big things many of us experience in early recovery. I found that stopping drinking was easier than dealing with the messes I'd made in my life. There is no easy way through those early days and weeks, but to stick with it and know that things will get better.
And, yes, shame and embarrassment are two big things many of us experience in early recovery. I found that stopping drinking was easier than dealing with the messes I'd made in my life. There is no easy way through those early days and weeks, but to stick with it and know that things will get better.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2019
Posts: 2,426
Welcome to SR mjenner. This is a great place to find people who understand where you are and where you've been. At the end of my drinking career I had laid waste to the countryside and had spread chaos and misery far and wide. Nobody wanted to be around me and with good reason. I was nothing but an unpredictable ticking bomb. After some sober time, people have come back into my life slowly and cautiously and I am earning back lost trust. But guess what? None of it was due to words, promises or apologies. Apologies are important but the only thing that will make your people come back to you is what they see. Actions. Not words. So make your amends and then set about showing people who you are by what you do. If you are quiet, peaceful, approachable, predictable and accepting, the ones that truly love you will come back to you. The shame and regret will always be with you on some level but you can let those things eat you alive - and then drink again - or you can use those memories to govern your future behavior.
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
Your attitude, not your aptitude, will determine your altitude
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Oxnard (The Nard), CA, USA.
Posts: 13,955
Welcome to SR JennerThere are ways to work through shame and guilt. Just as there ways to recover from alcohol abuse/addiction.
I see you are willing to do just that.
Good on you! 
Work it because your worth itCommunity Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
Great to meet you, mjenner! I know just how you feel. I'm so glad you're taking action & talking about what's going on. You're never alone - we're here to encourage & help you on your journey. Be proud of yourself for recognizing what needs to happen & not letting the problem progress.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2020
Posts: 277
Hi mjenner - as others have said, you’re certainly not alone in having said extremely mean and hurtful things to people whilst intoxicated. I’ve damaged irreparably several relationships, including family, friends and partners due to my horrifying words whilst drunk. The deep burning shame and guilt I felt didn’t stop me drinking, though; I used those feelings to keep drinking, and thought oh well, I’ve lost them all anyway, as justification. I’m sorry your relationship with your friend is at a low right now, but focus right now on yourself, your sobriety and moving forward. Take care and we are all here for you and each other, always.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 10
Thank you all so much for your kind words. Your responses have almost made me cry. I'm still extremely upset with myself but your responses have made things a tad bit better today. I had ruined some romantic relationships in my past due to arguments while drinking but never a solid friend who has been there for me through everything in life in over this many years. I told another friend this morning that I got to the point where I realized one bad slip up could ruin my entire life, career, family, etc. I didn't trust myself anymore. I found the January 2021 group and look forward to all of us supporting each other!
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 51,569
It's so hard to explain to others what we go through. I don't even understand it myself - how it changed my personality & caused me to say out-of-character things.
My own mother, people I loved & respected - all have been hurt & confused by my words. That's why I made the decision to never risk it again. I couldn't predict where it would take me once it was in my system. Not a drop for me! You're not alone, mj.
My own mother, people I loved & respected - all have been hurt & confused by my words. That's why I made the decision to never risk it again. I couldn't predict where it would take me once it was in my system. Not a drop for me! You're not alone, mj.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
welcome mjenner
When I got sober I was advised to focus on me and my recovery first and mend fences later.
That was hard to do but it was the right way to do it. I'd said sorry so many times and gone right back to drinking so many times that my sorry was fast losing its value.
A positive change than can be seen by others will go a long way to showing them this time is different
D
When I got sober I was advised to focus on me and my recovery first and mend fences later.
That was hard to do but it was the right way to do it. I'd said sorry so many times and gone right back to drinking so many times that my sorry was fast losing its value.
A positive change than can be seen by others will go a long way to showing them this time is different
D
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: Australia
Posts: 1,499
Oh mjenner ... so many of us here can relate.
I blacked out once towards the end of my drinking and lashed out at a boyfriend. The things he told me I said, they were deep hidden things that I had thought but would never normally say but apparently they came out in a foul, disgusting stream of hurt and malignancy. I think I hurt him irreparably that night although we managed to keep going. But why didn't I stop then? I don't know.
What happened is a sign that your relationship with alcohol is damaging your life in ways you will soon not be able to repair.
You're doing the right thing by choosing to stop now and taking this warning seriously. Stay here and keep reading, soon you should make a plan to deal with the reality of choosing sobriety - identify your triggers and cravings, work out how you will deal with them, find your support networks and establish new sober goals - this is the work of sobriety. You are in the right place.
I blacked out once towards the end of my drinking and lashed out at a boyfriend. The things he told me I said, they were deep hidden things that I had thought but would never normally say but apparently they came out in a foul, disgusting stream of hurt and malignancy. I think I hurt him irreparably that night although we managed to keep going. But why didn't I stop then? I don't know.
What happened is a sign that your relationship with alcohol is damaging your life in ways you will soon not be able to repair.
You're doing the right thing by choosing to stop now and taking this warning seriously. Stay here and keep reading, soon you should make a plan to deal with the reality of choosing sobriety - identify your triggers and cravings, work out how you will deal with them, find your support networks and establish new sober goals - this is the work of sobriety. You are in the right place.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 10
Miss Perfumado, that is what has scared me. I realized that if I was capable of hurting someone who I care about this badly, that I was walking a thin line and going to destroy my life to the point of no return. I could screw up my job, my family, etc. I have too much more to lose.
The strange thing is that today towards the end of my work day, I received some really great news at work and instantly my brain thought "yay this is such great news, lets get some alcohol to celebrate!" I didn't do it nor did I have a strong craving to do so. It was just the first time that I realized how much I used alcohol for everything......to celebrate the good, to help when I was sad, angry, etc. It was scary. Like I said, I'm fine. I didn't do that and ended up having a great night at home but wow! That voice was instant.
The strange thing is that today towards the end of my work day, I received some really great news at work and instantly my brain thought "yay this is such great news, lets get some alcohol to celebrate!" I didn't do it nor did I have a strong craving to do so. It was just the first time that I realized how much I used alcohol for everything......to celebrate the good, to help when I was sad, angry, etc. It was scary. Like I said, I'm fine. I didn't do that and ended up having a great night at home but wow! That voice was instant.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: canada
Posts: 7,242
yes, it is the instant knee-jerk reaction.
with time, and with new habits you practice and repeat, and with (for me)interrogating my reaction to see what was behind it, these knee-jerk reactions have lessened and then stopped.
with time, and with new habits you practice and repeat, and with (for me)interrogating my reaction to see what was behind it, these knee-jerk reactions have lessened and then stopped.
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